Who Are We/You to Blame When Things Go Horribly Wrong?

*** Sorry for the delay in this post, as I was writing, more information became available, and so did my opinion ***

The shootings on Friday, 12/14/2012 at Sandy Hook Elementary School and all the mass shooting that have occurred leading to up to Friday, have been devastating, words can’t even explain the pain and evil. They have affected so many people, If not personally, then emotionally. It is unimaginable that someone could ever kill, especially innocent children and in some cases their own parents, or anyone for that matter.

In days after the shootings I have seen conversations, theories and new talk about what needs to be looked at and done to ensure this never happens again. I personally was involved in an emotional debate defending mental illness. Which seems to be a hot topic after a blog was posted from a mother perspective whose child suffers from a severe case that the doctors have been unable to diagnose. The blog post titled I am Adam Lanza's Mother, by Liza Long. 

After engaging in the thread, defending mental health and those who suffer from it (the conversation was actually was very civilized and we were both able to see where each side was coming from, it was educational on both ends). I received a lot of private messages that were extremely rude and hateful. Prior and after the conversation I was seeing a lot of conversations taking place everywhere and many people don’t understand why this issue is painful and close to my heart. It is frustrating for me to see all the misinformation, ignorance and stigmas that people still place on mental illness. Believing that people suffering from a mental illness are all placed under 1 umbrella - harmful, crazy, and just like the horrible people that committed these crimes.

Then of course there has been the gun debate. We see it every time something horrible happens. People from both sides getting in heated arguments, posting pictures and so on. I wanted to share what I saw when I opened my email, this was to my sent to my personal email, but I was still shocked at the bluntness of the first sentence -”After the shooter Adam Lanza, no one is more to blame for the massacre of 20 first graders and six adults (not including 2 others, the mother of Adam Lanza and Adam Lanza who shot himself) at the Sandy Hook Elementary School than the National Rifle Association. In order to stop the senseless killing we must first stop the NRA". Now I have heard similar words after Columbine, and the shootings at the Movie Theater in Denver and all the other shooting that have taken place, I have to admit I am a little dizzy! There is talk of guns, rifles, semi-automatic weapons and legislation going into place, then the President(s) getting up on national television talking about the senseless tragedy and vowing to put stricter gun laws into place. Yet Since the Columbine shooting there has been no Federal legislation passed, even after the 2011 shootings of AZ Rep Gabrielle Giffords. However Congress did pass a law tightening restrictions on gun ownership, in 2007 following the mass shooting at Virginia Tech, In addition the federal screening database would be expanded for potential gun purchasers to include more than 2 million individuals who are barred from owning them (guns) due to felonies or mental illness. (The down side there is not enough money to perform background checks…) Before this several mass shootings occurred in the 1980’s and early 90’ prompting congress to pass a ban on assault rifles in 1994, unfortunately that ban expired in 2004. Of course congress has been trying to get it re-instated, without success. Sen. Dianne Feinstein, D-Calif is working on a new version of the ban on assault rifles, with some extra provisions, it is planned to be introduced in January 2013. Will it pass? Maybe. With the recent shootings there is more hope that tighter restrictions on assault weapons will be put into place, thus far all legislation has failed to pass any new laws despite the promises of the Presidents and congress who have vowed to do so after every tragic shooting. People strongly believe that guns are the major factor in the mass shootings that have occurred. This brings me to something I would like to address next. 

The one thing I have not heard people say is - I blame Adam Lanza, James Holmes, Jared Loughner, Seung-Hui Cho, Eric Harris, and Dylan Kelbold.  Why Not, after all they were the shooters; they were the ones that committed the crimes. Why are we not holding them accountable? Why is there not more conversation about their guilt and their clear center role in pulling the trigger? No one talks about the person behind the gun, just the gun itself. Also, why is it that we don’t know much about the shooters past? Sure, the media reports they had issues, or how they obtained the guns – feeding into the frenzy of people’s emotions. After that little is revealed unless you do some research, or listen to more detailed accounts. So I would you think about this - Eric Harris and Dylan Kelbold (Columbine), had their massacre planned for a year, not a spontaneous act. They knew exactly what they were doing and how. They had made and tested bombs to ensure they would work, went target practice shooting and had a map of the school.  Eric had a diary he kept detailing his plans, and both made a videos to the countdown of April 20, 1999, the massacre. They had no intention of coming out of that school alive.  James Holmes (Aurora Theater) also had his shooting planed, his apartment was set up with so many bombs, and trip wires it took the police and bomb squad days to dismantle and get in. He had music playing that was timed to shut off at a certain time. He too had bought guns in advance. Police found letters indicating Jared Loughner had planned on shooting Arizona Rep. Gabrielle Giffords, he had met her in 2007, 4 years earlier! Seung-Hui Cho (Virginia Tech) started purchasing guns in February and March from gun dealers, then purchasing special bullets on-line. When police searched his dorm they found a note in which he criticized "rich kids", "debauchery" and "deceitful charlatans" and you stated they him to do this”. He also sent a photo of the hollow point bullets to NBC News with the caption "All the [shit] you've given me, right back at you with hollow points." He also made a video. Police concluded that he had planned this for months, after the shooting had happened in April.

I am by no means saying that gun control and mental illness are not issues we need to ignore or have a serious discussion about; it is obvious that each of these individuals had problems. But each of them also gave off clear warning signs and no one did anything until it was too late. I am not going to go into a debate about gun control or mental illness or other factors in this blog, I will say this, it is time to start placing BLAME on the PERSONS who commit this acts, and to stop with Complete and all of the blame on guns, mental illness and other factors, these people clearly knew what they were doing. When I saw the threads the last few days there were more conversations and pictures about - guns killing more people, protecting our 2nd amendment rights, mental illness, blaming parents and so on, and here and there were picture’s about the victims and remembering them.  It’s the victims we need to remember.  If we must talk about the issues that are behind the persons that commit these crimes, let’s talk about the education of gun control and mental illness. I hate to say it but none of these issues are going away, and as much as we don’t want this, it is likely this will happen again. The best we can do is start educating people, on both gun control and mental illness. Yes some stricter laws are needed, but guns will be around regardless, people will still get guns.  We as a society need to educate those around us on gun control and safety and then we need start helping people understand mental illness so people can get over their ignorance and stigma’s and realize not everyone suffering from a mental health issues are a danger to society. It’s not about taking guns away or locking people up with mental illness, it’s about helping those with problems and learning to recognize the signs of danger, reporting it, and taking the reports seriously. Regardless of the report, it is better to be safe than sorry. This is what failed in almost every situation in all of the shooters talked about above. 

As of this morning 12/23/2012, the NRA has re-affirmed their statement from Friday. Wayne LaPierre, CEO of the NRA spoke stating that arming schools and placing guards at schools was going to cut down on shootings. I am still not sure how I feel about arming teachers. LaPierre did also state that it is the criminals we need to look at, and we need to keep them off the street, also repeating getting the mentally unstable the help they need. The NRA will not support any new gun legislation, stating that the laws we have now are being enforced - Which I have to agree on that one. However, I would like to see the assaults weapons ban go back into force that expired back in 2004. Why there is an expiration on a law such as that is beyond me.... So in the New Year I am curious to see how congress and the NRA will work together. We all know that the NRA is in the politicians pockets.. If you didn't know that, it's time you woke up!

.  

You should NEVER have to defend who you are and your beliefs because of the acts of someone whose has crossed a threshold that most of us have never imagined (to commit these heinous crimes) and lose your friends in the process.

xoxo

~ Walking in the Rain, is Nothing Compared to Standing in the Eye of the Storm ~

December 14, 2012

It has been a bittersweet week for me, my 1st fantasy piece was chosen for my literary writing group. It was chosen not only for the group session review but also for publication. I put my heart and soul into writing this piece - working late, sacrificing sleep, editing and re-working to meet the deadline. It was one of the most challenging pieces of writing I have ever written. Not sure I was going to be able to do this, I confided this to a trusted adult on Monday, knowing writing was a big part of my life and I had not written anything in a while. She said to me “I heard the great writers go to their pencils, or computers and just start writing, even if they have nothing to write about. Are you giving up something you love and have a talent for? If so, what was it all for?” I responded that I still wrote in my journal. She laughed (I was a little taken aback). She looked at me again, and responded “everyone writes in a journal, those are your personal thoughts, not your talent, or are you settling for ordinary? I am disappointed in you Katy; I have never known you to give up, or settle. This is your passion, you were blessed with this, giving up would be giving in to someone you’re not.” I left angry. The more I thought about what she said, the angrier I became. Ordinary, disappointed, settle, is she serious? So I went home looking at my notebook seeing my character outline and I started writing. I didn’t stop. Soon I had over 1700 words and I wasn’t finished – guidelines clearly stated – Fantasy Story in 1000 words or less. So came the editing and re-working. But the amazing part, she was right, I just needed that push. I was not expecting anything from the group; considering I cut out so many things. As the session went up, and I received the email, it was what I needed to start writing again. At the advice and help of another friend I am working to take this to level where I can develop all of the characters and storyline. I am writing out of my element, and I am excited about it.

December 11, 2012

I went to see yet another Dr, one I had seen before (Thankfully!) One thing I like about specialists is that they take the time to listen to you, and are not pushing you out of the office in 20 minutes. After a long discussion of all the options we had exhausted to relieve one of my pain sources, I knew there was only one option left. I was not excited about the option, but we had discussed this over a year ago. I told my Dr. I had to think about it. After emailing my Dr. a dozen times, doing a ton of research and talking to a family member who had gone through the same thing. I made the decision to give the green light. Although I am not looking forward to this, it will help me in more than one way.

After getting out of the Dr. and getting in my car turning on the radio, I hear the news. As people were Christmas shopping at Clackamas Mall in Portland, OR, a man with an assault rifle opened fire, shooting over 60 rounds, killing 2 people and sending one girl to the hospital (thankfully she survived) before turning the gun on himself. All the while Christmas music was playing in the background and not far children were still telling Santa what they wanted for Christmas as the shots rang out, people were running, screaming. Employees were hiding shoppers in the back of their stores, as others ran past. There was no specific pattern; he just seemed to be shooting.

You tell me, how horrible that many of those people now associate Christmas shopping and the beautiful sounds of Christmas music with mayhem and fear? What about those children who were on Santa’s lap telling Santa their Christmas lists, and those anxiously awaiting, waiting all year, hoping they are on the nice list. Can you imagine the fear they felt when Santa jumped to the ground and their parents pulled them forcefully trying to get them to safety?  People came to the mall, trying to get their shopping done, go to work, see Santa, and meet friends. Now you have to wonder will Christmas ever be the same, because so many innocent people happened to be at the mall that day and witness an act of evil.

December 14, 2012

Yesterday morning we turned on our televisions and listened to our radios on our way to work, or maybe we got a phone telling us to turn on the TV. We watch in horror as information flooded our airwaves about the horrific, unimaginable massacre of 6 innocent adults (including the principal) and 20 children (grades k-4) at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Connecticut took place. I can't even imagine what parents all over must be feeling. Furthermore, I can't even begin to conceive what the families who live in this community are going through. As more information comes forward in the coming days, the families, community and world will grieve for their children, and loved ones. There is nothing worse than losing a loved one, especially a child. That’s what breaks my heart the most, innocent children. What did they do? Go to school; look forward to the weekend as children do, and Christmas. These poor families will spend this holiday and every milestone going forward without their precious children and loving wives, husbands, sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles, because why? What exactly was their crime?,What did these 6 adults and 20 children do to deserve this? My heart is absolutely devastated, and I cannot express the overwhelming emotions I am feeling, my heart breaks for the children and their families. I truly hope they are in a better place and I pray the families and community can find peace, as well as all the parents, grandparents and the entire world that is so affected by this tragedy who took so many innocent lives.

Here is a poem written for the victims that was posted on the FB page RIP Sandy Hook Elementary School Children, Written by M.H. 

"The world starts to fear and the tears begin to shed, the days are coming to a near, the love is dead.

 I know the pain you feel, the anger you once repelled. The hurt you wish to expel and the sorrow you adhere.

One man, two guns, and 27 lives.

 Today America weeps, Tomorrow we fear, Soon everything is for keeps And everyone seem to be a creep.

 The amount of tears that were shed today is nothing to the amount of fear that was installed in us today.

 One man, two guns, and 27 lives.

As the world starts to fear and the tears begin to shed, the days are coming to a near, the love is dead.

I feel the pain you feel. I know the love you lost. I feel the fear you gained, And the tears that we all share."

December 14, 2012 – Later

As I was working, trying to get my mind elsewhere,

My Dad came downstairs to deliver some more bad news; I lost someone very close to my Mom and me. A strong, loving woman who had a sense of humor until the end went to sleep and never woke up. She was a 3rd Grandma to my brother and I and a second Mom to my Mom. When my Mom decided to leave her parents in her small town in LeMars, Iowa and move to the big city of Denver, CO she took care of her, and was there for her and supported her unconditionally in all the decisions she made. When my Mom met my Dad, who was a bad boy from the city (my mom was a good girl from a small town), she accepted them.

She has been a tremendous influence in my life, and lead life herself that was not wasted. She has so many stories and was an independent woman. She didn’t follow society’s rules and marry young, she waited until her 30’s and believe me in her time that was unusual. Maybe I am little like her in that way. Growing up we spent a lot of time at her house and I experienced all of my first adventures and dramatic moments in life when staying with her. Being our 3rd Grandma I never knew how she would handle these “precious” moments in my life, but I was surprised, she was quite modern, maybe it was because of her independence. She even taught me a thing or two about makeup. I could talk to her about lot things I couldn’t talk to my other Grandma about who also lived in Denver (my other Grandma - her sister lived in Iowa). She alongside my Mom and Dad played a big role in helping raise my brother and me. Some of my best memories as a child were spent with her. My biggest regret is not spending more time with her before she left us to be with my Great Uncle Si.

God Bless her baked Chicken, brownies, egg salad sandwiches, scrambled eggs, and well just about anything she cooked. But that baked chicken – it died with her. I love you and will miss you always.

~Final Thoughts~

My senior year in high school, I learned about life and death, reality and petty things in life are just that, petty. I also learned that a day can start out beautiful and almost perfect and then you’re walking up the stairs laughing with your friends going to your sociology class and then everyone is in a sudden panic. You learn that there was a shooting at Columbine high school. Just like that in one instant everything changes. No one knows if their friends are dead or alive, we watched as everything unfolded that day. Waiting to hear news of people we knew. Some of did, some of us didn’t. It was one of the worst days of my life, a day I will never forget as long as I live.  

Then there are other days, realities or moments that shaped my life -

The day I found out my dad had a heart attack, and had to have to a Quadruple bypass heart surgery. I had no idea if he would make it out of surgery. Before he went in, he told me “take care of Mom and Michael”, and repeated it. Even he didn’t believe he was going to make it out. I have never been that scared, the surgery took longer than expected and then this became the worst day of my life.  

A close friend Robert committed suicide over a girl, who he was dating. She treated him like shit and got him hooked on meth. Jose and I tried to get him away from her, but meth is funny like that. I don’t it was her, I think it was Meth. One night they got in a fight and he went out to his car and shot himself. His family knew what she was and tried to get him away from her too. What really pissed me off - she had the audacity to show up at Robert’s funeral, high on meth.

Then there is Jose, my first and only love, my best friend, “my person”, the only person who knew everything about me, and never judged me. He killed himself with heroin and eventually over dosed.

No one can replace him and his death has been harder on me than anything I have ever dealt with. It’s hard to find someone who accepts you for you. Who can be both a best friend and be in love with. I am not saying everything was perfect, we had some pretty intense fights, and we had a rule to always tell each other the truth no matter how hard it was to hear. And believe me during “breaks” there was a lot of stuff that was hard to hear, but that’s what made us closer, stronger and best friends. Losing him was like losing a part of me.

My point in all of this is that any day can start out beautiful, normal, or be just a day. Every single day above that I talk about in this post started out a good day, in fact most of them were pretty damn good days. And just like that everything came crashing down.

I have been learning and practicing about living in the present, and not concentrating as much on the past or the future. Sure there are many things I will never forget, but I have to learn to accept them, a big thing called "radical acceptance". But we don’t know about tomorrow, or the next day or beyond that. 

In going through all of this I have also learned a great deal about friendship, and it is amazing to find out who will walk with you in the rain, and ride out the storm by your side. Who calls to make sure you are OK, and calls again just to be sure. It truly is people like that, who you want by your side. 

Horrible things happen in life, and most of the time we never get an answer why. And many times it’s the innocent or people that are truly good that get hurt. We can sit here and blame everyone and everything, but does that really make you feel better? Blame should be placed where blame is due, and nowhere else. As for the loved ones we lose, we can hope they are in a better place.

As for the people who are still here hurting we can be there and comfort them, be a friend. Some storms take longer to pass than others.    

xoxo

Searching

The true love of your life, does it come once in a life time? Do we know, and if we feel so inside do we try to fight for it at any cost? Your soul mate, some believe, some do not... You get one chance on this earth do you leave yourself open, or close? So many complications in love, to stay single, or live in love. Can anyone honestly answer me if they are happy in love? Is this just a fairy tail, like in the movies?
I chose once to believe in love, and he died. Everyone tells me I can't dwell on that, but how can anyone be who he was? A friend, lover, soul mate, best friend. That's hard to beat. How can you be so in love like that twice?
The weight of passion on your heart, our hearts, the heat, the feelings of never wanting to let go......... And knowing you will never hear or see that person again, my person. Do you take the chance of being alone, or do you open up to something new? The hurt deep down inside a feeling I can't express through my words knowing, only a dream in my mind of the passionate times, the fights, everything we experienced........together. All I have is my feelings, memories, letters, pictures, and thoughts.
The true love of your life, do you find it again? Right now that is only a question answered by a higher power.  Do I believe in a soul mate? I believe, he held a apart of my soul. Is there another out there that can hold another piece of my soul? Maybe. I have to admit, there is a lot to live up to. Friendship, Love, Trust, Unity. Open, close a mind set, damaged - controlled - loved - peace. Will we find the piece that we are looking for?

Friend/Enemies

Where do you draw the line? What is a good friend and a bad friend? Is there not some rule about not hooking up with the others hookup? Especially if they were dating? WOW! Small town - small people, gossip, and a lot of fucked up! You leave the big city to try to start over and it's all the same drama TIMES 10, because in a small town EVERYTHING is dramatized! I am over it! I have some job offers down south and I considering it. I just want out. I need to get out of here.  FRESH START-NEW............... We all feel that way. My friends are back in Denver, here they are all friend-enemies. I don't know if I will ever find the friends I have in Denver.   Maybe it's my fault. trust. damaged. so out of here. When the time is right I will put myself out there again. And I did twice. Well............ 3 times Once the guy fucked up, 2nd time he's moving (no fault) -3rd friend hooking up with fucked up guy after she told me how fucked up he was.............. OK my peace is said............. trust is done! It's complicated, and frankly my dear I don't have time for complicated!
xoxo

Crazy Days of the Single Life

When you go out with your girls, you get all dolled up, ready to hit the town, and you would think that some (most) guys would have respect. OK I am speaking from a point of view here of not being a slutty, so when I say getting all dolled up, I mean classy - not trashy :). There is a point of flirty and to far. But how far is to far? Guy meets girl - girl meets guy.... You know the rest. You sit down and a guy comes up to you, you are expecting a "Hi my name is.... What are you up to tonight?" No instead you get a "Do want to put your hand on my D*%*"... WTF??? Is that even appropriate? Out of the blue HELLO!!!! Again case in point - to far.
So on to the next, your on the dance floor dancing with your girl and a guy comes up to you and is ALL over you. PDA to the MAX... NOT OK! I mean come on are we in high school? I am in my 30's, as is my friend (well close), and I am not your girlfriend. So if your want to dance with me, cool, but don't put your hands on me like your petting a dog. Seriously, who taught you manners? Would you treat your mom like that? Next time  you see me and wonder why I gave you a wrong number you will know. I'm not your girlfriend, so if we dance once and your all over me, and then act like i'm yours for the rest of the night - um NO! Get over it!
Another hint, if you see me making up excuses to get away, let it go - NOT interested!
Then must I mention all the assholes out there, that think they are just to good for their own good. I mean really, do you honestly think that sitting in a corner looking out at the rest of the world with this look that says "Hey I'm the shit" - when ya, your really not. Try getting a different hair cut, oh yeah and a different shirt. And did I mention that the crowd you run with is not intimidating. I'm from Denver bitch, believe me my friends back home are more intimidating. Asshole will be assholes, no matter which way you swing it. In a small town it's funny how many I have met, but I guess with it being such a small town the chances are that much greater.
The games are played, the players are playing and I don't speak guy :). I just love it how they think they are the only ones that are in control. Yet do they speak girl?
There are so many situations that play out in the singles crowd, and it's better not to get emotions involved. Why hate a player, when you play the game yourself?
<3

On Cloud Nine :)

Feelings in life change like hot and cold. One minute you see yourself on the sidelines and the next minute someone walks into your life that changes everything. It's a scary thought to think that one moment can send a tingle down your spine, send you into thoughts that fog your mind. You can relish in the moment, because you have not felt this way in a long time. Or do you put your wall up? A little bit of both maybe? 

When you have butterflies in your stomach and you find yourself daydreaming, it’s hard to keep your mind in check and balance your heart at the same time.

You will never know what will happen in the future, and not taking a risk is the wrong thing to do. I mean two weeks ago I had a completely different outlook on dating, and putting myself out there, and I am still a little hesitant, but you cannot control the way you feel. You cannot control when someone just walks right in and sweeps you off your feet. Life tends to happen that way.

Right now I think I am going to go with the flow, I am in a great place in my life and I think that this may be a turning point. Complete turnaround in two weeks. <3 

Toxic Craziness

There comes a point in a relationship when it becomes toxic. A point where you just need to shut it down. At this point I can't say I am surprised, I mean you open up to someone after a long period of shutting people out, and at the end of the day it is you who ends up getting hurt. I take full responsibility for this happening. I allowed myself to trust, when there was a part of my mind that was giving red flags. But as time passes you by in life you allow yourself to hope. To want, to long for that someone who cares back.
I often think back to the only person I have ever loved and wonder if I will ever find that kind of passion and compatibility again. The kind of relationship where there was more than just love, but also a strong friendship, and bond. I am starting to wonder if that is something you only find once.
When things become toxic, a craziness comes out and this is not something I am proud of. I know that it is an indication that I care, but why should that have to come out if that person was good, if that person cared back. Things that were said by this person about me, were just to much and I lost it. I know it's time to shut it down, cut this person out of my life. I don't want to be that person who is crazy, but I also know that I don't deserve to be treated that way either. Again I take responsibility for my behavior, and it takes a lot to get me to that point. Now once again my walls are going up and I think that maybe I prefer it that way. At least for right now.
For three years I did not allow myself to care about anyone in a romantic way, I avoided dating, of even having to deal with the fact that I might get hurt. But in those three years, I also learned some things about myself and understood that the right thing to do is take care of yourself first. I have let my last two relationships become toxic, to the point where it was emotionally draining, I allowed both of those people to walk all over me, treat me with disrespect, and I didn't do a damn thing about it, but sit there and take it. I felt that being with that person was more important than my self respect. But that is not me anymore, and I started to see that person coming back and it scared me. The toxic craziness, I will never allow myself to be put in that situation again.
I can not allow a person dictate my feelings or allow myself to get so upset that it throws me off. If that other person is not good for me, there is no point in wasting my time in developing feelings for that person.
Tonight I am sitting here writing this, and I have this tiny ache in my heart. I let my emotions get crazy for a person who hurt me, and had no qualms about doing it. He tossed my feelings aside and said hurtful things that I would not even say to my enemy.
Love for me is going to be a challenge, even after the three years I spent alone, learning to love myself, building my self esteem up and preparing to allow myself to trust. I still have a lot to learn and after what happened my heart is hurt. I am not sure where to put myself out there. As for now, I just want to sit on the sidelines and allow myself to heal.
Craziness and Love should they go together? Yes, if your crazy in love.

Going from One to the Other

So I wrote about this subject back in January, and have a few more thoughts on the subject. As I was re-reading the "rules" I have to think to myself about feelings not getting involved. Hypothetical situation here, if two people have been "hooking up" for some time now and words are being said here and there that indicate feelings for one another, when does this no longer become "hooking up", "booty call", or whatever it is? One person tries to bring the conversation up, the other avoids, yet it is the other who is showing signs of jealousy and signs that they care more that what it is. The other person cares as well. But this is a situation where things become "hazy".
Do you end things, before emotions become more than what they are now, if one person won't have the conversation, even though it's apparent that they care. I think I may have answered the question myself. Of course you do. Why stay in a situation (although both have feelings for one another) where one cannot talk about the relationship. It's almost heartbreaking to put a person in a situation like that, it's a set up for destruction for both persons, and their hearts. But what do you do, stay there, and wait to see what happens? I think you have to move forward. Wow, life sure is full of complications, getting though them keeps you up, gives you a headache, and makes you wonder what you would do if you didn't have your friends :)
xoxo

Scrabble

My mind as of late seems to be going in a million different directions. I have butterflies that keep me up at night and I am not sure where to go. At the same time, I have so many dreams and it seems like they just keep changing. I know this is OK, because that's what we do right? But when do you throw in the towel and just say, this is what I am going to do with the rest of my life? And what about happiness? This is what has been keeping me up at night. I just want to be happy. I do not want to end up like my cousin, or some of my friends who have all settled down, have kids and they tell me they wished they had done more with their life. Alright so here is my chance right? I have the time, and although 12 years ago I started something and I quit and now I am realizing it may be what I wanted, is it to late to go back?
I am currently in a committed program and am realizing that although I love the aspect of helping people, it may not be the direction I want to go. It's better I find that out now right? I know that there may be some disappointment from others, but it's my life, and right now I am living with this dread in my stomach, like I don't know if I want this. I hate making decisions, and I hate people looking at me like "really again?"  I mean it took me 10 years to get through college because I couldn't decide on my major, and now I am seriously considering going back and starting at the beginning. I don't even know. Everything is just really foggy right now, and I need it to be clear, but when has it ever been clear. I don't want to settle, I want to be happy, and I want to do what's best for me. I love taking care of others, and I believe I know the path I need to go, it's just a matter of getting the courage to realign myself again and do it. I can't stand the thought of not being happy, and not living a life that is fulfilling to me. But I just need to pick up my courage and do it.
xoxo

And Where has the Time Gone.....

So my last post was about Valentines Day, and Love - La-Te-DA! I still have no opinion on that. In the past 2 months I have had my past come back into my life, and it did absolutely no good. In my experience (NOT everyone's, just mine) I need to quit letting the past overwhelm me. And also take a stand in my personal feelings. I know what I want, and what I don't want. If that's not OK, then get the f*&;% out! I am sick of games, midnight calls, and run around's. I am better than that, and I have realized that MAYBE I have been letting myself settle for less, and allowing the bullshit to be OK.
What get's me is that when I do voice my opinion I am a bitch. OK I can deal with that. I would rather be a bitch than get stepped on like I have been in the past (taking the blame here! ).
All I am saying is I have a goal, many goals, and in the last five years my goals have been my life, yes I have put them before many things (not including my parents), and I want to achieve them, live, thrive, be me! Not live for  someone else, or what they think I should be, or better yet apologize for who I am.
Goodbye games, assholes, and guys that just don't know what they want. I am not saying I know what I want in the long term, but I know what I don't want. And if you can't be honest - well...
xoxo

My post's suck! - I am sorry - I am in the middle of studying for some serious exams now! much love!

Single What....

So I guess I should say something about Valentines Day..... Yes I am single, do I really like the day? No... It was awesome that my dad got me a card and candy, but that was from my dad (I am a daddy's girl). I appreciate the fact that many people out there have loved one's or are in love and need "a day" to celebrate that fact. However what about those of us that really are not looking, or have not found the one? I mean, I have just started a new career and I am really not looking to settle down, but all I hear is "what are you doing for Valentines Day?" When I tell my friends I am studying for my exams they laugh at me... OK Whatever.... What I am trying to say is that in this point in my life there is so much more that I want to achieve than being in a relationship. To me that is not the point of success. It would be nice, but not necessary. 

OK and right now that is all I have to add to this post because I have to think some things over... that can happen some times...

xoxo

 Still not a big fan a Valentines Day :)

What If

There is little lost in life except the dreams you had when you were little. Sometimes I find myself wondering what if. But I guess don't we all. I know at my age there is nothing I can really do about my dreams because I am to old to become professionally what it is I dreamed when I was little. 

But I gave it up for something new, and I succeeded, and it made me happy for a while, then on to the next. But I have never really regretted anything like I regret this. Now I am in a new profession that is both challenging and rewarding but I would give anything to go back in time and do over the past. Not give up the passion that I felt when I was on stage dancing. I feel that way about writing too. Writing is also something I have done since I was little. But there is so much in life you want to experience when you are young, how do you  know what you will regret until you are older? I guess that is the risks we take for the fun or experiences we choose to have. The places that we have been or the people we have become. When it all comes down to it can you say it was worth it? 

I think all the time about what might have been, what if. But that is life, it can go in a million different paths. I might not have fallen in love here, or moved, or graduated college, I might still be in my home town. I have no idea. It is crazy to think of where life may have taken you if..... 

xoxo

Friends With Benefits - Booty Call - One Night

Are you ever to old to be making "booty calls"? Do guys/girls (I am going to add in girls here so not to be sexist) really think that the other person is not on to them? You would think that by the time a guy/girl reaches a certain age that they would understand that calling after a certain time is obliviously a calling for a little more than just "hanging out". I am way past my staying up until 3am and partying phase, so why would you call me when you are at work, knowing you do not get off until 2am and want to hang out afterward? NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. (Not personal here)

Although a person may not be looking for anything serious, that does not mean you have to be a doormat either. As Carrie stated in Sex in the City a text after 11pm is a booty call. 
So what causes a guy/girl to drive towards this behavior? Is it the person is leading them on, or is it just because they thinks they can? Awe the long history between men and women..... 

In my experience, the one night - booty call - friend with benefits thing does not work out well in the long run. It is only human nature that emotions eventually come into play. When that happens usually the booty call/friend with benefits becomes a nightmare. I am not saying it is always the woman who is the bonded one either, the male can be just as capable as "falling" as the woman. So I really write this from two perspectives.  

1) - my best friend who is a female - the ultimate player (I actually have a second in mind as well, but she has since settled down). She picks them up and drops them like flies. A little remorse the next day but she moves on pretty quickly. The emotion does not come into play here, my theory - they are just one night stands. 

2) My male best friend from high school - he was pretty much with every girl that he laid eyes on (I was NOT included in that). Same as my best friend, no emotional bond, again I think it may have been the one night stand here. However, he was known to have dated a few girls at once and really have no feelings towards any of them (really used to piss me off). Here I don't understand, maybe this is a guy thing, but to me I could see no bond. He would date these girls, as I said a few at a time (sometimes sleeping with 2 in one night) and not care about their feelings. When he was done with them, he was done. Just like that. Moving forward. 

However, I also know some really incredible guys who would never do that, but have admitted to the behavior in the past. I myself have been in serious relationships since high school, (OK, there was a brief period where I did have a little fun, but it was brief and in that time I met my ex which lasted 2 years). 

My experience with my ex, he moved and we tried or so I thought, anyway it got complicated. Like I said it does not work, to many emotions. I myself feel like I am always the one getting hurt, so I put my foot down, and now I am the bitch. i.e friends with benefits does not work. Especially long distance! 

Now lets move on to the famous booty call, There is a specific difference between a booty call and friends with benefits situation. A definition I found for booty call - A 'Booty Call' is when someone specifically calls someone late in the evening for a date,and the whole point in this is for sexual intercourse to end the night.

Whereas with a benefits situation relates to someone you have some type of a relationship with. 

Anyways so I think that it is established that the Booty Call lives in a attractive grey area somewhere between the one-night-stand and the relationship and serves to stream consenting adults with a high-energy sexual release without the baggage and time involved in dating.  Believe it or not here are the rules......

1. Brunch is the Enemy of the Booty Call 

This may seem a little harsh, Once you're done, get up, get dressed and go home. If you're having a Booty Call because you don't want to sleep alone, you're in dangerous territory and emotional involvement is lurking somewhere around the corner. If you end up sleeping over, there's only one place for things to go and that's brunch. Brunch is the enemy of the Booty Call. You didn't make the call because you wanted to chat over a cup of coffee. Your friends can supply you with that.

2. No Timetables 

Do not call your Booty Call and make solid plans. Bad move! The key to successful Booty Calling is to keep things uncomplicated, relaxed and elastic. If you make the call on a schedule, things are going to get very stale very fast. And if you wanted stale sex, you would just go ahead and get married . DO NOT THINK RELATIONSHIP!

3. No Meeting in Public 

Again, this may seem a little harsh, but this rule is definitely a good one to follow. Remember this: meeting in public is called "a date." You should only live in an erotic fantasy world that doesn't exist outside of the bedroom.

4. Look Good 
Just because it's not a date you're still going to have to make an effort to look and smell good. Make sure your Booty Calls get accepted by staying on top of your appearance. After all, letting things slide with the way you present yourself is for those people in long-term relationships.

5. Expect Nothing 
If your Booty call stops calling you or stops accepting your calls, don't take it personally. Remember, it was never a personal relationship to begin with.

 6. Be Open & Honest 
I know this sounds dangerously like "relationship talk" but trust me, as long as you know where things stand right off the top, and then you won't have to deal with any real relationship talks later on. Just be tactful and make sure that you're both on the same page.  

7. Be Safe 
It's the 21^st century: should I really have to go into this? Just remember to protect yourself so you can enjoy Booty Calls well into your golden years. Seriously people be on top of this one!

8. Timing 
No calls before 9:30 pm. No calls after 1:30 am. The Booty Call is definitely not for everyone. You have to be able to draw a distinction between the emotional and the sexual. But if you do it right, the good times are guaranteed. Just remember: don't call collect.

So who would have ever thought there would be rules to the whole subject matter, but there you go! 

I will end on this note, for all - don't be a doormat, don't let anyone take advantage of you. People can be asses. Make sure you are on the same page with the person with whom you are involved with. The most important person is you and if you are going to do any of the one nighters - friends with benefits - or be a booty call or be the caller remember the rules. 

xoxo

Guilty or Innocent

I have to wonder why is it that people always say that the justice system will work for you. If you are innocent you will be proven so, and if not, well, off you go. I have had a little trouble recently with a little trouble I got into a long time ago. The thing is I didn't really get into trouble if this makes any sense at all. I was arrested and let go because I was innocent, end of story. At the time the police were trying to make an example out of kids caught doing ecstasy, and fortunately for me, I was not. I just happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time. However the arrest as I found out is on my record for life.

What I don't understand is, why put the arrest on your record but not the outcome? I mean I haven't been in trouble since, nor was I prosecuted then and all charges were dropped. But does my record show that? Not a chance. So what have I had to do? Go back to a state that I no longer live in and try to get a letter from the courts where there is no record of me because the case never went to court. A BIG HASSLE! Not to mention an embarrassment for me in having to explain all of this to my new boss.
So my question is this, why do they not put this information on your record? And why do they treat you so horribly when you try to get something stating you are in fact innocent when those people can clearly see that you are? I mean people are always saying how criminals are repeat offenders and "will they make it out in society". So why do you make it so hard for any of us, those who are innocent, and even those who are not.
I can absolutely see now why criminals repeat their offences, it is much easier for them to go back then to face the ridicule. I was treated like crap and I didn't even do anything, I can only imagine what it is like for those that actually did commit a crime.
If you want people to be productive in life shouldn't you be the ones helping them, and if you don't like your job, then get a new one, instead of acting like a complete ass to those of us that are trying to make something out of  our lives. I have worked very hard to get where I am today, and for you to treat me like a complete idiot is wrong.
If you choose to work in the court systems or for the police and I understand that you may know the statistics better than me, but to stereo type all individuals is biased, especially in your line of work. You people of all people should know innocence until proven guilty, or be able to weed the bad from the good. If you have gotten to the point where you hate your job, and you see all people as bad, it is time to retire or find a new job (I will add this is the case in any profession).
I believe that our systems should be better, if you have the time to make an arrest record for someone, then you should have the time to complete that record to show the outcome, guilty or innocent. It would save a lot of time, money and maybe some peoples sanity.