Toxic Craziness

There comes a point in a relationship when it becomes toxic. A point where you just need to shut it down. At this point I can't say I am surprised, I mean you open up to someone after a long period of shutting people out, and at the end of the day it is you who ends up getting hurt. I take full responsibility for this happening. I allowed myself to trust, when there was a part of my mind that was giving red flags. But as time passes you by in life you allow yourself to hope. To want, to long for that someone who cares back.
I often think back to the only person I have ever loved and wonder if I will ever find that kind of passion and compatibility again. The kind of relationship where there was more than just love, but also a strong friendship, and bond. I am starting to wonder if that is something you only find once.
When things become toxic, a craziness comes out and this is not something I am proud of. I know that it is an indication that I care, but why should that have to come out if that person was good, if that person cared back. Things that were said by this person about me, were just to much and I lost it. I know it's time to shut it down, cut this person out of my life. I don't want to be that person who is crazy, but I also know that I don't deserve to be treated that way either. Again I take responsibility for my behavior, and it takes a lot to get me to that point. Now once again my walls are going up and I think that maybe I prefer it that way. At least for right now.
For three years I did not allow myself to care about anyone in a romantic way, I avoided dating, of even having to deal with the fact that I might get hurt. But in those three years, I also learned some things about myself and understood that the right thing to do is take care of yourself first. I have let my last two relationships become toxic, to the point where it was emotionally draining, I allowed both of those people to walk all over me, treat me with disrespect, and I didn't do a damn thing about it, but sit there and take it. I felt that being with that person was more important than my self respect. But that is not me anymore, and I started to see that person coming back and it scared me. The toxic craziness, I will never allow myself to be put in that situation again.
I can not allow a person dictate my feelings or allow myself to get so upset that it throws me off. If that other person is not good for me, there is no point in wasting my time in developing feelings for that person.
Tonight I am sitting here writing this, and I have this tiny ache in my heart. I let my emotions get crazy for a person who hurt me, and had no qualms about doing it. He tossed my feelings aside and said hurtful things that I would not even say to my enemy.
Love for me is going to be a challenge, even after the three years I spent alone, learning to love myself, building my self esteem up and preparing to allow myself to trust. I still have a lot to learn and after what happened my heart is hurt. I am not sure where to put myself out there. As for now, I just want to sit on the sidelines and allow myself to heal.
Craziness and Love should they go together? Yes, if your crazy in love.