December 14, 2012
It has been a bittersweet week for me,
my 1st fantasy piece was chosen for my literary writing group. It was chosen
not only for the group session review but also for publication. I put my heart
and soul into writing this piece - working late, sacrificing sleep, editing and
re-working to meet the deadline. It was one of the most challenging pieces of
writing I have ever written. Not sure I was going to be able to do this, I
confided this to a trusted adult on Monday, knowing writing was a big part of
my life and I had not written anything in a while. She said to me “I heard the
great writers go to their pencils, or computers and just start writing, even if
they have nothing to write about. Are you giving up something you love and have
a talent for? If so, what was it all for?” I responded that I still wrote in my
journal. She laughed (I was a little taken aback). She looked at me again, and
responded “everyone writes in a journal, those are your personal thoughts, not
your talent, or are you settling for ordinary? I am disappointed in you Katy; I
have never known you to give up, or settle. This is your passion, you were
blessed with this, giving up would be giving in to someone you’re not.” I left
angry. The more I thought about what she said, the angrier I became. Ordinary,
disappointed, settle, is she serious? So I went home looking at my notebook
seeing my character outline and I started writing. I didn’t stop. Soon I had
over 1700 words and I wasn’t finished – guidelines clearly stated – Fantasy
Story in 1000 words or less. So came the editing and re-working. But the
amazing part, she was right, I just needed that push. I was not expecting
anything from the group; considering I cut out so many things. As the session
went up, and I received the email, it was what I needed to start writing again.
At the advice and help of another friend I am working to take this to level
where I can develop all of the characters and storyline. I am writing out of my
element, and I am excited about it.
December 11, 2012
I went to see yet another Dr, one I
had seen before (Thankfully!) One thing I like about specialists is that they
take the time to listen to you, and are not pushing you out of the office in 20
minutes. After a long discussion of all the options we had exhausted to relieve
one of my pain sources, I knew there was only one option left. I was not
excited about the option, but we had discussed this over a year ago. I told my
Dr. I had to think about it. After emailing my Dr. a dozen times, doing a ton
of research and talking to a family member who had gone through the same thing.
I made the decision to give the green light. Although I am not looking forward
to this, it will help me in more than one way.
After getting out of the Dr. and
getting in my car turning on the radio, I hear the news. As people were
Christmas shopping at Clackamas Mall in Portland, OR, a man with an assault
rifle opened fire, shooting over 60 rounds, killing 2 people and sending one
girl to the hospital (thankfully she survived) before turning the gun on
himself. All the while Christmas music was playing in the background and not
far children were still telling Santa what they wanted for Christmas as the
shots rang out, people were running, screaming. Employees were hiding shoppers
in the back of their stores, as others ran past. There was no specific pattern;
he just seemed to be shooting.
You tell me, how horrible that many of
those people now associate Christmas shopping and the beautiful sounds of
Christmas music with mayhem and fear? What about those children who were on
Santa’s lap telling Santa their Christmas lists, and those anxiously awaiting,
waiting all year, hoping they are on the nice list. Can you imagine the fear
they felt when Santa jumped to the ground and their parents pulled them
forcefully trying to get them to safety? People came to the mall, trying
to get their shopping done, go to work, see Santa, and meet friends. Now you
have to wonder will Christmas ever be the same, because so many innocent people
happened to be at the mall that day and witness an act of evil.
December 14, 2012
Yesterday morning we turned on our
televisions and listened to our radios on our way to work, or maybe we got a
phone telling us to turn on the TV. We watch in horror as information flooded
our airwaves about the horrific, unimaginable massacre of 6 innocent adults
(including the principal) and 20 children (grades k-4) at Sandy Hook Elementary
School in Connecticut took place. I can't even imagine what parents all over
must be feeling. Furthermore, I can't even begin to conceive what the
families who live in this community are going through. As more information
comes forward in the coming days, the families, community and world will
grieve for their children, and loved ones. There is nothing worse than losing a
loved one, especially a child. That’s what breaks my heart the most, innocent
children. What did they do? Go to school; look forward to the weekend as
children do, and Christmas. These poor families will spend this holiday and
every milestone going forward without their precious children and loving wives,
husbands, sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles, because why? What exactly was their
crime?,What did these 6 adults and 20 children do to deserve this? My heart is
absolutely devastated, and I cannot express the overwhelming emotions I am
feeling, my heart breaks for the children and their families. I truly hope they
are in a better place and I pray the families and community can find peace, as
well as all the parents, grandparents and the entire world that is so affected
by this tragedy who took so many innocent lives.
Here is a poem written for the victims
that was posted on the FB page RIP Sandy
Hook Elementary School Children, Written by M.H.
"The world starts to fear and the
tears begin to shed, the days are coming to a near, the love is dead.
I know the pain you feel, the
anger you once repelled. The hurt you wish to expel and the sorrow you adhere.
One man, two guns, and 27 lives.
Today America weeps, Tomorrow we
fear, Soon everything is for keeps And everyone seem to be a creep.
The amount of tears that were shed today is nothing to the
amount of fear that was installed in us today.
One man, two guns, and 27 lives.
As the world starts to fear and the tears begin to shed, the days
are coming to a near, the love is dead.
I feel the pain you feel. I know the
love you lost. I feel the fear you gained, And the tears that we all
share."
December 14, 2012 – Later
As I was working, trying to get my
mind elsewhere,
My Dad came downstairs to deliver some
more bad news; I lost someone very close to my Mom and me. A strong, loving
woman who had a sense of humor until the end went to sleep and never woke up.
She was a 3rd Grandma to my brother and I and a second Mom to my Mom. When my
Mom decided to leave her parents in her small town in LeMars, Iowa and move to
the big city of Denver, CO she took care of her, and was there for her and
supported her unconditionally in all the decisions she made. When my Mom met my
Dad, who was a bad boy from the city (my mom was a good girl from a small
town), she accepted them.
She has been a tremendous influence in
my life, and lead life herself that was not wasted. She has so many stories and
was an independent woman. She didn’t follow society’s rules and marry young,
she waited until her 30’s and believe me in her time that was unusual. Maybe I
am little like her in that way. Growing up we spent a lot of time at her house
and I experienced all of my first adventures and dramatic moments in life when
staying with her. Being our 3rd Grandma I never knew how she would handle these
“precious” moments in my life, but I was surprised, she was quite modern, maybe
it was because of her independence. She even taught me a thing or two about
makeup. I could talk to her about lot things I couldn’t talk to my other
Grandma about who also lived in Denver (my other Grandma - her sister lived in
Iowa). She alongside my Mom and Dad played a big role in helping raise my
brother and me. Some of my best memories as a child were spent with her. My
biggest regret is not spending more time with her before she left us to be with
my Great Uncle Si.
God Bless her baked Chicken, brownies,
egg salad sandwiches, scrambled eggs, and well just about anything she cooked.
But that baked chicken – it died with her. I love you and will miss you always.
~Final Thoughts~
My senior year in high school, I
learned about life and death, reality and petty things in life are just that,
petty. I also learned that a day can start out beautiful and almost perfect and
then you’re walking up the stairs laughing with your friends going to your
sociology class and then everyone is in a sudden panic. You learn that there
was a shooting at Columbine high school. Just like that in
one instant everything changes. No one knows if their friends are
dead or alive, we watched
as everything unfolded that day. Waiting to hear news of people we knew. Some
of did, some of us didn’t. It was one of the worst days of my life, a day I
will never forget as long as I live.
Then there are other days, realities
or moments that shaped my life -
The day I found out my dad had a heart
attack, and had to have to a Quadruple bypass heart surgery. I had no idea if
he would make it out of surgery. Before he went in, he told me “take care of Mom and Michael”, and
repeated it. Even he didn’t believe he was going to make it out. I have never
been that scared, the surgery took longer than expected and then this became
the worst day of my life.
A close friend Robert committed suicide
over a girl, who he was dating. She treated him like shit and got him hooked on
meth. Jose and I tried to get him away from her, but meth is funny like that. I
don’t it was her, I think it was Meth. One night they got in a fight and he
went out to his car and shot himself. His family knew what she was and tried to
get him away from her too. What really pissed me off - she had the audacity to
show up at Robert’s funeral, high on meth.
Then there is Jose, my first and only
love, my best friend, “my person”, the only person who knew everything about
me, and never judged me. He killed himself with heroin and eventually over
dosed.
No one can replace him and his death
has been harder on me than anything I have ever dealt with. It’s hard to find
someone who accepts you for you. Who can be both a best friend and be in love
with. I am not saying everything was perfect, we had some pretty intense
fights, and we had a rule to always tell each other the truth no matter how
hard it was to hear. And believe me during “breaks” there was a lot of stuff
that was hard to hear, but that’s what made us closer, stronger and best
friends. Losing him was like losing a part of me.
My point in all of this is that any
day can start out beautiful, normal, or be just a day. Every single day above
that I talk about in this post started out a good day, in fact most of them
were pretty damn good days. And just like that everything came crashing down.
I have been learning and practicing about living in
the present, and not concentrating as much on the past or the future. Sure there are many things I will
never forget, but I have to learn to accept them, a big thing called "radical acceptance". But we don’t know about tomorrow, or
the next day or beyond that.
In going through all of this I have also learned a great deal about friendship, and it is amazing to find out who will walk with you in the rain,
and ride out the storm by your side. Who calls to make sure you are OK, and
calls again just to be sure. It truly is people like that, who you want by your side.
Horrible things happen in life, and
most of the time we never get an answer why. And many times it’s the innocent
or people that are truly good that get hurt. We can sit here and blame everyone
and everything, but does that really make you feel better? Blame should be
placed where blame is due, and nowhere else. As for the loved ones we lose, we
can hope they are in a better place.
As for the people who are still here
hurting we can be there and comfort them, be a friend. Some storms take longer
to pass than others.
xoxo
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