I had a mission, some might say it is quite weird, but my mission was simple..... I needed a book, a very specific book if you will. The book..... Oh, the places you will go by Dr. Suess!
Laugh all you want! For a 26 year old to be obsessing over such a book is quite abnormal, and my friend asked me if I was buying it for a child. When I told him it was for me, he gave me a look that basically said you are wierd.... hhhmmm. He obliviously did not understand the importance.
This book was read to me a long time ago and even though I was just graduating high school I did not fully understand the meaning that was behind the book, lately I have been thinking about it quite often, so often I decided I needed it RIGHT NOW!!!!!
So off to Powell's I went (for those of you who don't know what Powell's is, well it's only the BEST BOOKSTORE EVER!) As most of you know I am a avid reader so I had to be quick I only have an hour for lunch, and well I could spend a lifetime in that store..... So my mission was simple, find the book and get out as soon as possible!
Alas find the book I did, I read it again and I cried.... For those of you who haven't read it, READ IT! The message is simple, the message is life.
Oh, the places you'll go! My boss at work, was a little amused by my purchase so I encouraged him to read it, and he too found it to be very profound. My friends this book is a must read, read it from time to time, and think of all the places you have been and the places you will go.
Yes it's simple, yes it is a child's book, but the lesson it gives, you can take with you for a lifetime!
Laugh all you want, I know I am a nerd, but hey these things have a affect on me, and I am very big on learning life lessons right now!
So if you have one book you are going to read, read this one! I promise you will get it, unless you have no desire or no curiosity for life.
xoxo
Thursday, December 6, 2007
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Bittersweet Emotion
As I am driving home from class tonight I turn on my CD player because nothing good was on the radio, as I am sitting there thinking about the lecture or rather the movie we watched tonight, a song comes on, a song I have listened to so many time before a song I never really put much thought into. For the first time in a few days I smiled. I smiled so big and I felt so incredibly happy, I was beyond myself. The song was Bittersweet Symphony by The Verve.
WOW I thought to myself, I have this immense wave of emotion hit me like a ton of bricks. Listening to the words, I mean really listening to the words tonight had an effect on me I didn't think possible at this time. My stress level has been high recently, new job, and school, personal issues all rolled into one. Smiling is not something that is in my facial structure right now, or so I thought. This had to have been one of the most bittersweet moments in my life. Funny how emotions can change and reality can set in, in just one flick of an instant.
I start driving 90MPH on the road by my house (it is all country so no worries), Blasting the music and smiling from ear to ear… I finished 2 major papers this week, and managed to get top grades, I have a new job that I love, I am working on my first book. I am happy. I can be happy. For the first time in a long time I felt free, exhilarated, accomplished. I feel like everything is going to be ok. I can do it, I know I can.
Life changes from one moment to the next; your path is where it takes you, your journey, and your life. Bad times come and they go, when they are bad them seem so bad, but when you wake up and look at life in a new angle it can be good, so very good.
Why I had this sudden realization I have no idea, why this particular song put me in this grove, I don't know. I don't need to know, I just need to keep moving forward.
With all of the positive changes that I have done in my life, there had to be some sacrifices, hence bittersweet emotion……
xoxo
Here are the lyrics....
Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Trying to make ends meet
You're a slave to money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places
where all the veins meet yeah
No change, I can't change
I can't change, I can't change
But I'm here in my mind
I am here in my mind
But I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mind
No, no, no, no, no, no, no,no,no,no,no,no(fading away)
Well I never pray
But tonight I'm on my knees yeah
I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah
I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now
But the airways are clean and there's nobody singing to me now
No change, I can't change
I can't change, I can't change
But I'm here in my mind
I am here in my mind
And I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mind
No, no, no, no, no, no, no
I can't change
I can't change it
'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Trying to make ends meet
Trying to find some money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places
where all the veins meet yeah
You know I can't change, I can't change
I can't change, I can't change
But I'm here in my mind
I am here in my mind
And I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mind
No, no, no, no, no
I can't change my mind
no, no, no, no, no,
I can't change
Can't change my body,
no, no, no
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
Been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
That you've ever been down
That you've ever been down
WOW I thought to myself, I have this immense wave of emotion hit me like a ton of bricks. Listening to the words, I mean really listening to the words tonight had an effect on me I didn't think possible at this time. My stress level has been high recently, new job, and school, personal issues all rolled into one. Smiling is not something that is in my facial structure right now, or so I thought. This had to have been one of the most bittersweet moments in my life. Funny how emotions can change and reality can set in, in just one flick of an instant.
I start driving 90MPH on the road by my house (it is all country so no worries), Blasting the music and smiling from ear to ear… I finished 2 major papers this week, and managed to get top grades, I have a new job that I love, I am working on my first book. I am happy. I can be happy. For the first time in a long time I felt free, exhilarated, accomplished. I feel like everything is going to be ok. I can do it, I know I can.
Life changes from one moment to the next; your path is where it takes you, your journey, and your life. Bad times come and they go, when they are bad them seem so bad, but when you wake up and look at life in a new angle it can be good, so very good.
Why I had this sudden realization I have no idea, why this particular song put me in this grove, I don't know. I don't need to know, I just need to keep moving forward.
With all of the positive changes that I have done in my life, there had to be some sacrifices, hence bittersweet emotion……
xoxo
Here are the lyrics....
Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Trying to make ends meet
You're a slave to money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places
where all the veins meet yeah
No change, I can't change
I can't change, I can't change
But I'm here in my mind
I am here in my mind
But I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mind
No, no, no, no, no, no, no,no,no,no,no,no(fading away)
Well I never pray
But tonight I'm on my knees yeah
I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah
I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now
But the airways are clean and there's nobody singing to me now
No change, I can't change
I can't change, I can't change
But I'm here in my mind
I am here in my mind
And I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mind
No, no, no, no, no, no, no
I can't change
I can't change it
'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Trying to make ends meet
Trying to find some money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places
where all the veins meet yeah
You know I can't change, I can't change
I can't change, I can't change
But I'm here in my mind
I am here in my mind
And I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mind
No, no, no, no, no
I can't change my mind
no, no, no, no, no,
I can't change
Can't change my body,
no, no, no
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
Been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
That you've ever been down
That you've ever been down
Thursday, October 4, 2007
Question from the Heart
We ask ourselves questions everyday. What could I have done to make things better? How could I have altered the situation? Why didn’t I spend more time with that person, why didn’t I try harder? If we ask ourselves these questions they tend to make us crazy, make us feel worse than we already do.
I ask myself all the time, what is wrong with me? Why can’t I be the person that everyone wants me to be? Why can’t I make it work? You know it is driving me crazy. I can’t help who I am, and I can’t help what my past has done to me. Unfortunately it has made me a harder person, yes I say harder. I close people off, don’t let them in, and shy away from closeness and love, even though it’s one of things that I want more than anything.
Why you might ask. It’s because I am scared, plain and simple. There is no way to simply understand this and there is no simple way for me to explain it. Experiences tend to take on a toll on a person, and how we choose to unitize them is our choice. Some of us take them and learn, others take them and run. Some of us hide behind the pain and close ourselves off from the one’s that care. I have to admit I am this way. So I write. I let people read, sometimes. My therapy is my writing. For me it is the only to look at my issues with an open mind, to heal my heart and to understand why I may be feeling this way.
I am scared everyday, I feel pain everyday, and I feel my life is not fair everyday. Then I look deep inside and know that I am a good person and I deserve only the best. That many people out there have it much worse than I do, and there is someone out there going through something that is going to completely alter their life.
My life is not so bad, my choices have not been the best, but I am trying to change that. I try to surround myself with people who genuinely care and don’t use me as a convenience. It is hard for me to trust and it is even harder for me to keep that trust in a person. I am trying and that is all I can do for now. As for the questions that I continue to ask myself everyday, the questions that make me feel bad, I just have to remember the good that is inside of me, the good that comes out everyday, even if I don’t always show it. There is a person, buried deep in my heart that is yearning to be born again. I am just not sure when I will be ready to let that person come to life. My heart is still healing and my confidence is still trying… For now all I can do is hope and pray. One day, I will be whole again.
© 2007 The Random Writings Of Me... Kates
I ask myself all the time, what is wrong with me? Why can’t I be the person that everyone wants me to be? Why can’t I make it work? You know it is driving me crazy. I can’t help who I am, and I can’t help what my past has done to me. Unfortunately it has made me a harder person, yes I say harder. I close people off, don’t let them in, and shy away from closeness and love, even though it’s one of things that I want more than anything.
Why you might ask. It’s because I am scared, plain and simple. There is no way to simply understand this and there is no simple way for me to explain it. Experiences tend to take on a toll on a person, and how we choose to unitize them is our choice. Some of us take them and learn, others take them and run. Some of us hide behind the pain and close ourselves off from the one’s that care. I have to admit I am this way. So I write. I let people read, sometimes. My therapy is my writing. For me it is the only to look at my issues with an open mind, to heal my heart and to understand why I may be feeling this way.
I am scared everyday, I feel pain everyday, and I feel my life is not fair everyday. Then I look deep inside and know that I am a good person and I deserve only the best. That many people out there have it much worse than I do, and there is someone out there going through something that is going to completely alter their life.
My life is not so bad, my choices have not been the best, but I am trying to change that. I try to surround myself with people who genuinely care and don’t use me as a convenience. It is hard for me to trust and it is even harder for me to keep that trust in a person. I am trying and that is all I can do for now. As for the questions that I continue to ask myself everyday, the questions that make me feel bad, I just have to remember the good that is inside of me, the good that comes out everyday, even if I don’t always show it. There is a person, buried deep in my heart that is yearning to be born again. I am just not sure when I will be ready to let that person come to life. My heart is still healing and my confidence is still trying… For now all I can do is hope and pray. One day, I will be whole again.
© 2007 The Random Writings Of Me... Kates
Monday, October 1, 2007
Once again Thoughts, NO Baby MADNESS!!!
I have one question..... When the hell did we grow up and what happened to my youth??? Did I miss something along the way? When did I leave Never, Never land? It is going around, it is contagious, many people are catching it... YES... DA DA DUN.... It's the BABY BUG!!!!! AAAAWWWWWEEEE....... WHOOOO.... DO NOT GET THE WRONG idea, I am in no way ready to be a mom. However all my friends around me are all expecting..... When did this happen? Are we really growing up, getting married and having kids? What happened to being a kid... I think that time has passed..... I am sad, really I am. I am not ready to grow up, I am not ready to settle down, I am really not ready to be a mommy...
So I am not going to be, at least not for a long while. I do wish all my friends the best, and I love them dearly, but I think I will stick to being Aunt Katy for a while.
Need a baby sitter I am all about it, need to take the kiddies to the Zoo, call me up! Want to go baby shopping, I love to shop, but then at the end of the day I will go back to my single life and pursue my dream, my true love, my writing....
At this time I am too selfish to be in the land of soccer mom's and play dates, bottles and diapers. I DO NOT WANT AN SUV! I want a sporty car and a condo downtown, I do not want a yard or a white picket fence..... Not yet anyway... I want to travel (when I get over my fear of flying, which needs to be soon as my brother and I are talking about a trip to Europe next summer) I want to live on the East coast, at least for a year, Hell I still haven't been to Vegas..... and I AM 26!!!! I need to fix that...
So you see, I am just not ready.
I love my sexy red headed soccer mom to be, and my little dizzle and you girls know I am here for you ALWAYS!!!!
For right now, I think I will stick to my life of the unknown, I kinda like it that way. I like being able to plan things spur of the moment and not ask permission, I like to think that I can pick up and move at anytime, and hell if I feel like staying out all night I CAN!!!
This has been on my mind, as the baby bug is going around.... I have not caught the bug. Therefore I am no longer drinking the water at work, I really think it has something to do with all the new mommy's to be :) No really I do.
I hope my mommy's to be do not take offense to this blog, because I really do love you dearly and I am here for you.
Just wanted to post my personal thoughts on the matter concerning ME! Just so we are clear, I do not want to be sent home with a gift basket of KY Jelly and Pregnancy tests, I think a box of condoms and birth control is more my style, RIGHT MEL..... lol
I am not next, not for a while. In the mean time I will love watching you guys raise your precious one's and when the time comes (if ever) I will need your help and advice.... First I want my sports car and condo in Seattle or my Flat in New York....
Xoxo
So I am not going to be, at least not for a long while. I do wish all my friends the best, and I love them dearly, but I think I will stick to being Aunt Katy for a while.
Need a baby sitter I am all about it, need to take the kiddies to the Zoo, call me up! Want to go baby shopping, I love to shop, but then at the end of the day I will go back to my single life and pursue my dream, my true love, my writing....
At this time I am too selfish to be in the land of soccer mom's and play dates, bottles and diapers. I DO NOT WANT AN SUV! I want a sporty car and a condo downtown, I do not want a yard or a white picket fence..... Not yet anyway... I want to travel (when I get over my fear of flying, which needs to be soon as my brother and I are talking about a trip to Europe next summer) I want to live on the East coast, at least for a year, Hell I still haven't been to Vegas..... and I AM 26!!!! I need to fix that...
So you see, I am just not ready.
I love my sexy red headed soccer mom to be, and my little dizzle and you girls know I am here for you ALWAYS!!!!
For right now, I think I will stick to my life of the unknown, I kinda like it that way. I like being able to plan things spur of the moment and not ask permission, I like to think that I can pick up and move at anytime, and hell if I feel like staying out all night I CAN!!!
This has been on my mind, as the baby bug is going around.... I have not caught the bug. Therefore I am no longer drinking the water at work, I really think it has something to do with all the new mommy's to be :) No really I do.
I hope my mommy's to be do not take offense to this blog, because I really do love you dearly and I am here for you.
Just wanted to post my personal thoughts on the matter concerning ME! Just so we are clear, I do not want to be sent home with a gift basket of KY Jelly and Pregnancy tests, I think a box of condoms and birth control is more my style, RIGHT MEL..... lol
I am not next, not for a while. In the mean time I will love watching you guys raise your precious one's and when the time comes (if ever) I will need your help and advice.... First I want my sports car and condo in Seattle or my Flat in New York....
Xoxo
Saturday, September 29, 2007
I ROCK!!!
OK so for all of you dumb assholes who think that I can't do things on my own, you have another thing coming. I know that I depend on the men in my life for all the stuff that men typically do such as, checking my oil, fixing things that need to be fixed, or killing spiders, lol...
I will fully admit that I am not the greatest when it comes to putting things together or fixing things. Lets just say I generally mess it up somehow. That has all changed!
Yesterday, seeing as I had the day off, I thought that I would do something productive, makes some changes, get organized. One of the things I needed to organize the most is my books. I have so many books, no joke! They are stacking up along all my walls, by the piles... I am not kidding... I got my laptop out, went straight to IKEA and BINGO, found some shelves for 20 bucks... YAY! I got in my car and headed straight there.
Now I have never been to IKEA, but my brother swears by it, and hey $20 bookshelves, who can beat that? So why not check it out.
OMG! That is all I can say... I LOVE IKEA!!!! I spent about 2 hours in there, just looking, yes looking. Finally I get to the area that had the bookshelves and spent another half hour deciding what shelf to get. I finally decided on the one that I wanted, $50 over budget, but hey I LOVE IT!!!! Now.... how to get it home. HHHMMMM....
I have an Acura RSX2, a very small car, in case you didn't know. But I was determined to get it home. I was going to fit it into my car... Somehow.....
Now I am a little person, and the shelves were bigger than me. So I had two problems.... How was I going to carry it, and how was it going to fit in my car?
If you had been there that day in the parking lot by the loading zone watching me, I am sure you would have gotten your laugh of the day.
Here I was trying to pick it up, slide it a car that was to small, but DETERMINED to make it fit, Oh, yeah I forgot to mention, it was hailing...... BAD!!!! (I have the bruises on my leg, and a knot on my head to prove it).
Well, finally an older man helped me and we made it fit!!! Mission accomplished!
So I drive home with my shelves in my car, the box is literally right between the two front seats, and yes I drive a stick, so shifting was difficult. Non the less I made it home....
Now to get it to my room. I was determined to do this by myself, No help, just me and my book shelf.
Carefully I maneuver the box that is taller than me, and weighs over half of what I weigh out of my car, in the house and down two flights of stairs. SUPER! I did it!
Now the hard part.... Assembly.... Now as I mentioned before this is not my strong suit. I am not good at this part, but again I was determined to do this by myself.
So I ripped open the box, got the instructions, pulled out my girlie tool kit my dad got me for Christmas, counted the parts according to the instructions and I was on my way.
So far so good.
After about an hour I was proudly looking at my new book shelf, completely assembled by yours truly! I was so excited, I don't think you can even imagine! Laugh all you want this is a big accomplishment for me. For once everything turned out right. I had no extra parts, and everything looked just right!
Now I can proudly look at my project and know I did it on my own. So you see I am not completely inefficient, I can do it, yes I can! I know most of you might be laughing, and hey that's ok, I am proud of myself, I am proud that I was able to do it on my own.
So yes in a nutshell I ROCK!!!!
I will fully admit that I am not the greatest when it comes to putting things together or fixing things. Lets just say I generally mess it up somehow. That has all changed!
Yesterday, seeing as I had the day off, I thought that I would do something productive, makes some changes, get organized. One of the things I needed to organize the most is my books. I have so many books, no joke! They are stacking up along all my walls, by the piles... I am not kidding... I got my laptop out, went straight to IKEA and BINGO, found some shelves for 20 bucks... YAY! I got in my car and headed straight there.
Now I have never been to IKEA, but my brother swears by it, and hey $20 bookshelves, who can beat that? So why not check it out.
OMG! That is all I can say... I LOVE IKEA!!!! I spent about 2 hours in there, just looking, yes looking. Finally I get to the area that had the bookshelves and spent another half hour deciding what shelf to get. I finally decided on the one that I wanted, $50 over budget, but hey I LOVE IT!!!! Now.... how to get it home. HHHMMMM....
I have an Acura RSX2, a very small car, in case you didn't know. But I was determined to get it home. I was going to fit it into my car... Somehow.....
Now I am a little person, and the shelves were bigger than me. So I had two problems.... How was I going to carry it, and how was it going to fit in my car?
If you had been there that day in the parking lot by the loading zone watching me, I am sure you would have gotten your laugh of the day.
Here I was trying to pick it up, slide it a car that was to small, but DETERMINED to make it fit, Oh, yeah I forgot to mention, it was hailing...... BAD!!!! (I have the bruises on my leg, and a knot on my head to prove it).
Well, finally an older man helped me and we made it fit!!! Mission accomplished!
So I drive home with my shelves in my car, the box is literally right between the two front seats, and yes I drive a stick, so shifting was difficult. Non the less I made it home....
Now to get it to my room. I was determined to do this by myself, No help, just me and my book shelf.
Carefully I maneuver the box that is taller than me, and weighs over half of what I weigh out of my car, in the house and down two flights of stairs. SUPER! I did it!
Now the hard part.... Assembly.... Now as I mentioned before this is not my strong suit. I am not good at this part, but again I was determined to do this by myself.
So I ripped open the box, got the instructions, pulled out my girlie tool kit my dad got me for Christmas, counted the parts according to the instructions and I was on my way.
So far so good.
After about an hour I was proudly looking at my new book shelf, completely assembled by yours truly! I was so excited, I don't think you can even imagine! Laugh all you want this is a big accomplishment for me. For once everything turned out right. I had no extra parts, and everything looked just right!
Now I can proudly look at my project and know I did it on my own. So you see I am not completely inefficient, I can do it, yes I can! I know most of you might be laughing, and hey that's ok, I am proud of myself, I am proud that I was able to do it on my own.
So yes in a nutshell I ROCK!!!!
Friday, September 21, 2007
Mentally Exhausted…..Or just checking out????
A little bit of both… I think… Time to prioritize my life, get back into gear, leave all the bullshit behind…. YUP, that is exactly what I need to do. So that is exactly what I am doing.
After a long and tedious summer, not one of the best might I add… I wrecked my car, didn’t get my dream job, procrastinated about going back to school, and had some not so great health problems. So I sulked for a while, felt sorry for myself, cried, and then realized I am being a baby…. Ok so everyone has their moments, this was defiantly one of mine. So I asked myself, what am I going to do about it?
I hate my current job, I hate it so much that I despise going to work everyday, and come home a complete bitch because of all the stupid shit I have to put up with all day. I have realized that my anxiety is solely related to my job…. HHHMMMM, change of pace I think so….
So what am I going to do about it? I am checking out, that is what I am going to do about it. I am so exhausted that I can’t even think. I should not be exhausted, I am young, I should be happy, content, experiencing life, or at least getting on with life.
I have some big changes ahead of me. I have been looking for a new job, so what if I didn’t get the job I really wanted, it just wasn’t meant to be. That perfect job is out there waiting, and if I don’t look I am never going to find it… I am however becoming an expert at interviewing
Next thing I registered for school, I start next month. I am really excited about this because I can get my teaching certificate and move out of the financial industry, not for a few years, but hey I am working on it, that is the important thing. They are taking all of my previous college credits, so that means I have almost 2 years to go before I get my bachelors degree… YAY for me… I think that this will keep me busy for a while, and give me something to look forward to…
Another thing I have been concentrating on is my writing, after all, my dream is to have at least one book published. Writing keeps me sane; it gets me going and is my true love, corny I know… Hey it is the truth. I may not become a famous writer, and that’s ok. I love to write more than anything, so making this a priority everyday is important. So far so good.
So in the next few months these are my goals and my priorities, so I may check out from time to time. I need to concentrate on me for a while, and get my mind and life in gear. I know I am taking the right steps in doing so and I feel good about it. People that hold me back or don’t support me, well you are not my friends and you can peace out…. Really you can…
I am probably going to be more exhausted than I am now, but bring it on… I am so ready for a change in pace….
After a long and tedious summer, not one of the best might I add… I wrecked my car, didn’t get my dream job, procrastinated about going back to school, and had some not so great health problems. So I sulked for a while, felt sorry for myself, cried, and then realized I am being a baby…. Ok so everyone has their moments, this was defiantly one of mine. So I asked myself, what am I going to do about it?
I hate my current job, I hate it so much that I despise going to work everyday, and come home a complete bitch because of all the stupid shit I have to put up with all day. I have realized that my anxiety is solely related to my job…. HHHMMMM, change of pace I think so….
So what am I going to do about it? I am checking out, that is what I am going to do about it. I am so exhausted that I can’t even think. I should not be exhausted, I am young, I should be happy, content, experiencing life, or at least getting on with life.
I have some big changes ahead of me. I have been looking for a new job, so what if I didn’t get the job I really wanted, it just wasn’t meant to be. That perfect job is out there waiting, and if I don’t look I am never going to find it… I am however becoming an expert at interviewing
Next thing I registered for school, I start next month. I am really excited about this because I can get my teaching certificate and move out of the financial industry, not for a few years, but hey I am working on it, that is the important thing. They are taking all of my previous college credits, so that means I have almost 2 years to go before I get my bachelors degree… YAY for me… I think that this will keep me busy for a while, and give me something to look forward to…
Another thing I have been concentrating on is my writing, after all, my dream is to have at least one book published. Writing keeps me sane; it gets me going and is my true love, corny I know… Hey it is the truth. I may not become a famous writer, and that’s ok. I love to write more than anything, so making this a priority everyday is important. So far so good.
So in the next few months these are my goals and my priorities, so I may check out from time to time. I need to concentrate on me for a while, and get my mind and life in gear. I know I am taking the right steps in doing so and I feel good about it. People that hold me back or don’t support me, well you are not my friends and you can peace out…. Really you can…
I am probably going to be more exhausted than I am now, but bring it on… I am so ready for a change in pace….
Monday, September 10, 2007
Thought for Today
So when life is not going the way you want it to, job, friends, social life whatever... It should never make you crazy.... You just need to get over it move on and figure out the parts that are driving you insane and eliminate it.... Ok so this is just my thought for today as I have been pondering a few things lately.... :)
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
The Other Side of Me
Why is it that life can be rolling around all la-te-da, then BAM…..The whole earth shatters at your feet? One minute you are walking along, thinking “wow everything is finally falling into place” Then you are hit incredibly hard with a rock straight to your head…. Yeah… I guess that is life….
I know, I know I seem to be complaining a lot, and really I have no need to. I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, and food on my table. For me it’s just a personal thing. I am sure it has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that my emotions are a freaking roller coaster, or the fact that I have hardly accomplished any of my personal goals in life….Ok, Ok I know whoa is me…… I guess it has just been one of those days, weeks, years maybe????
Well whatever it is I need to step out of this funk and get a hold of myself…. My god… What a little baby I am being… Ok not really, but maybe…..
Sometimes I feel that so much has happened in my life and it’s hard for me to let people in, then when I do, it’s even harder for me to trust. Along with trust comes revealing my dark side, not something I really want to do. I am not going to go into great detail here, but I guess I am trying to vent…. I can not shake this case of the blues that has been hanging over my head for way to long… Do something about it! I know, I know…..
I am trying….. But what do I do????
Life has thrown me way too many curve balls and they are getting a little harder to dodge now days… I have a great feeling of dissatisfaction with myself and I am having a hard time turning that around.
Build your self up…. Then break yourself down, the true story of my life… What doesn’t kill us only makes us stronger….. Fight…….
I write everyday to keep myself sane, I try even harder to please the one’s I love, yet nothing ever seems to pan out. Maybe this is just my thoughts.
Ok, Ok enough already…. My eyes are tired, my thoughts are blurred. This is the ther side of me.
I know, I know I seem to be complaining a lot, and really I have no need to. I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, and food on my table. For me it’s just a personal thing. I am sure it has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that my emotions are a freaking roller coaster, or the fact that I have hardly accomplished any of my personal goals in life….Ok, Ok I know whoa is me…… I guess it has just been one of those days, weeks, years maybe????
Well whatever it is I need to step out of this funk and get a hold of myself…. My god… What a little baby I am being… Ok not really, but maybe…..
Sometimes I feel that so much has happened in my life and it’s hard for me to let people in, then when I do, it’s even harder for me to trust. Along with trust comes revealing my dark side, not something I really want to do. I am not going to go into great detail here, but I guess I am trying to vent…. I can not shake this case of the blues that has been hanging over my head for way to long… Do something about it! I know, I know…..
I am trying….. But what do I do????
Life has thrown me way too many curve balls and they are getting a little harder to dodge now days… I have a great feeling of dissatisfaction with myself and I am having a hard time turning that around.
Build your self up…. Then break yourself down, the true story of my life… What doesn’t kill us only makes us stronger….. Fight…….
I write everyday to keep myself sane, I try even harder to please the one’s I love, yet nothing ever seems to pan out. Maybe this is just my thoughts.
Ok, Ok enough already…. My eyes are tired, my thoughts are blurred. This is the ther side of me.
Monday, July 23, 2007
Struggles and Such
Sometimes life takes us down a path that was not intended upon. It takes us down a road less traveled, rocky, jagged, and unknown. The thought of not knowing what is going to happen is something that digs deep inside of me and comes out like a scream not yet heard by others.
Looking back at my life I have come to realize that I am lucky, lucky to be here, alive. My life has not been easy, and I blame no one, it is a road that I chose to take, a road that lead me into places I wish upon no one. At times I think it made me stronger, other times I feel it has made me weaker. The choices I made have put me in a position that I wish not to be in. I am still here existing, living, I have a roof over my head, a family who loves and supports me and a handful of friends that I adore.
Then there is the other side of me, the side that is afraid of everything, trusting, loving and finding me. There is the side that has been hurt so many times I can’t bear to let my heart be exposed, the side that questions everything and everyone around me, wondering is there an ulterior motive behind your kindness. My poor friends never know what side of me to expect. Happy today, sad tomorrow. How can I make you understand it’s not you? I can’t, I am sorry for that. This is the part of my life where I feel weakest.
I guess I am writing this because I need to look back and read, understand, know why I am. Life sets off so many challenges, so many obstacles, which do you, choose? Which do you turn away from? Why is it so hard to exist, when all around goes about their merry little way? Why do some people live a charmed life, when others have to work so hard? Why do people judge and hate, when others love and give? I had a friend tell me the other day that he felt so lucky that he had his life; this was after meeting my friends. Now the comment angered me, one he has never made me feel small before, and now after meeting some people I work with, his life is so charmed? What makes him lucky and the others not? He has been given everything and worked harder for what he has, but some of us are not that lucky, some of us have not had a handful of money thrown at us growing up, we have not had the luxury of our college education paid for and not having to work. This is a very good friend that I have never felt threatened by his wealth, he has never made me feel inferior before and he has been there for me so much in the last few months that I honestly don’t know what I would have done had he not been there. The remark, it cut deep, almost too deep……
Maybe that is why I am writing this. As I said before I am not where I pictured myself at this age, I had hoped to accomplish many things, with the struggles in my past I still feel I have come a long way, but now I feel nothing. I feel hurt, hurt by a remark that I would have never expected from a friend who has been there through so much. I am trying, I am trying to clean up my mistakes and move forward. I am trying to recover from an abusive relationship, a past that was so painful, so why when I am starting to feel stronger did this little remark cut so deep? Maybe because he see’s my friends as inferior to him, that maybe he sees’s me that way as well? I don’t know.
Writing this makes me feel a little better, but I am still hurt. This is the part where I seclude myself in my room wrapped up with a book, or feeling sad, trying to think of the positive, but knowing I have to deal with my emotions right now. I will get over it, just needed to write it down I guess. Sort it out; maybe I am looking a little too deep, maybe not.
One thing I know for sure is that I am me, I have been through a lot, but that does not make me less of a person than anyone, it does not make me inferior to you or anyone. I still struggle day to day and I live day to day. I may not have accomplished as much as some people my age, but I am here still living and one day I will be the strong person I know I can be.
Peace
Looking back at my life I have come to realize that I am lucky, lucky to be here, alive. My life has not been easy, and I blame no one, it is a road that I chose to take, a road that lead me into places I wish upon no one. At times I think it made me stronger, other times I feel it has made me weaker. The choices I made have put me in a position that I wish not to be in. I am still here existing, living, I have a roof over my head, a family who loves and supports me and a handful of friends that I adore.
Then there is the other side of me, the side that is afraid of everything, trusting, loving and finding me. There is the side that has been hurt so many times I can’t bear to let my heart be exposed, the side that questions everything and everyone around me, wondering is there an ulterior motive behind your kindness. My poor friends never know what side of me to expect. Happy today, sad tomorrow. How can I make you understand it’s not you? I can’t, I am sorry for that. This is the part of my life where I feel weakest.
I guess I am writing this because I need to look back and read, understand, know why I am. Life sets off so many challenges, so many obstacles, which do you, choose? Which do you turn away from? Why is it so hard to exist, when all around goes about their merry little way? Why do some people live a charmed life, when others have to work so hard? Why do people judge and hate, when others love and give? I had a friend tell me the other day that he felt so lucky that he had his life; this was after meeting my friends. Now the comment angered me, one he has never made me feel small before, and now after meeting some people I work with, his life is so charmed? What makes him lucky and the others not? He has been given everything and worked harder for what he has, but some of us are not that lucky, some of us have not had a handful of money thrown at us growing up, we have not had the luxury of our college education paid for and not having to work. This is a very good friend that I have never felt threatened by his wealth, he has never made me feel inferior before and he has been there for me so much in the last few months that I honestly don’t know what I would have done had he not been there. The remark, it cut deep, almost too deep……
Maybe that is why I am writing this. As I said before I am not where I pictured myself at this age, I had hoped to accomplish many things, with the struggles in my past I still feel I have come a long way, but now I feel nothing. I feel hurt, hurt by a remark that I would have never expected from a friend who has been there through so much. I am trying, I am trying to clean up my mistakes and move forward. I am trying to recover from an abusive relationship, a past that was so painful, so why when I am starting to feel stronger did this little remark cut so deep? Maybe because he see’s my friends as inferior to him, that maybe he sees’s me that way as well? I don’t know.
Writing this makes me feel a little better, but I am still hurt. This is the part where I seclude myself in my room wrapped up with a book, or feeling sad, trying to think of the positive, but knowing I have to deal with my emotions right now. I will get over it, just needed to write it down I guess. Sort it out; maybe I am looking a little too deep, maybe not.
One thing I know for sure is that I am me, I have been through a lot, but that does not make me less of a person than anyone, it does not make me inferior to you or anyone. I still struggle day to day and I live day to day. I may not have accomplished as much as some people my age, but I am here still living and one day I will be the strong person I know I can be.
Peace
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Sometimes
Lately in life it seems like things are moving in the fast lane. Everything seems to be going great, Life as I know it is starting to come together.
Sometimes things change for the good, sometimes for the bad, but I am learning you just have to roll with the punches. Since I have left Denver I feel like I have become so much more, I have grown as a person and am completely different than when I left Denver. These last two years since I moved here has been a complete roller coaster. I almost lost my mind, no seriously. lol But I have learned so much about myself.
The things that happen in life no matter good or bad, shape us to be who we are, you can either take that and learn from it, or waste it away. One thing I have learned is that you can't plan your future. It is what is it, and the more you try to plan the more you are going to miss out on. I believe that everything happens for a reason, and if it's meant to be it will be.
Now don't get me wrong I have goals for myself but they are always changing. I thought at the age of sixteen that I would be married and have kids by this time. Well, that is not where I'm at now, and I am glad that I didn't settle for someone who might have been the one, because now I realize they were not the one. I also thought that I would become a doctor or nurse, but that was before I discovered my passion for writing.
So you see it's ok to have goals and dreams, but it's also ok to have different goals as you discover life. It doesn't make you a failure, things change it's inevitable and there is nothing you can do about it, except, accept it.
I have no idea why I am writing this, just something I have been pondering lately. I guess since it's been 2 years since I have moved here I have been thinking a lot about what has changed in my life, and I can honestly say it is for the better. I could get really personal and go into my changes but I think I will save that for another day, another blog.
Ok well I will leave it at that. :)
Sometimes things change for the good, sometimes for the bad, but I am learning you just have to roll with the punches. Since I have left Denver I feel like I have become so much more, I have grown as a person and am completely different than when I left Denver. These last two years since I moved here has been a complete roller coaster. I almost lost my mind, no seriously. lol But I have learned so much about myself.
The things that happen in life no matter good or bad, shape us to be who we are, you can either take that and learn from it, or waste it away. One thing I have learned is that you can't plan your future. It is what is it, and the more you try to plan the more you are going to miss out on. I believe that everything happens for a reason, and if it's meant to be it will be.
Now don't get me wrong I have goals for myself but they are always changing. I thought at the age of sixteen that I would be married and have kids by this time. Well, that is not where I'm at now, and I am glad that I didn't settle for someone who might have been the one, because now I realize they were not the one. I also thought that I would become a doctor or nurse, but that was before I discovered my passion for writing.
So you see it's ok to have goals and dreams, but it's also ok to have different goals as you discover life. It doesn't make you a failure, things change it's inevitable and there is nothing you can do about it, except, accept it.
I have no idea why I am writing this, just something I have been pondering lately. I guess since it's been 2 years since I have moved here I have been thinking a lot about what has changed in my life, and I can honestly say it is for the better. I could get really personal and go into my changes but I think I will save that for another day, another blog.
Ok well I will leave it at that. :)
Saturday, June 23, 2007
A Mighty Heart
The avid reader that I am, I have been reading a book called "A Mighty Heart". For those of you who have been following the events taking place over in the middle east, you may have heard of a journalist by the name of Daniel Pearl.
He was kidnapped in Pakistan shortly after 9/11. His wife Mariane Pearl wrote this book in his memory.
I remember when the news of his kidnapping first hit the news, it was devastating, and as I learn more about his life, it breaks my heart even more. The terrorists that kidnapped him accused him of being a spy of some sort, and demanded things that were impossible to deliver. He was a journalist, a man trying to bridge the gap between worlds so differently lived. Yet he was murdered for the senseless act of terrorism.
I guess the reason why I am writing about this is, I think you should read this book. I have learned so much of a culture that I would never, and still don't understand. A world in which you don't know who to trust, or where to turn. A world in which the people who are supposed to help, only pretend to help, only to later learn knew more about the whereabouts and the kidnapping then they would ever let on.
To me the pain his family endured, and the hardship that they went through is unimaginable. Just think about loosing a person whom you love so much, only to see his face on images that show the torture that he had to endure, imagine the pain you would feel as your husband is beheaded on TV, in front of the world and his body discovered in 10 different pieces buried in a shallow grave.
You can't. Simple as that. Why? Because we live in a country that doesn't understand the lives of the people we are fighting. We only see what is in front of us, not the picture at whole.
I have been following the tragic events that have unfolded since the beginning of the war, this person, Daniel Pearl and his wife Mariane have touched me deeply.
I still do not understand the faceless acts of hatred that are committed in this country and abroad, but this story has enlightened me on a world that is so very different form which I know.
If you have a chance please pick up the book, it is a sad read, but an honesty put forth that makes you see things that maybe you wouldn't normally see. It touches on the events leading up to and following his murder. It shows the love and compassion of his family and the people of Pakistan, but mostly his brave wife.
Remember that we have soldiers over there fighting for our country, but is this a war we can win? This question I can not answer, but pray that we can make peace. Peace between worlds that are so very different.
I support our troops 100%, and pray for their safe return. I hope for the best, yet expect the worst.
We are fighting a war that makes no sense, that involves a hatred on a level that is so deep.
All I ask is that you don't forget, the families, friends, brother and sisters. The people over there trying to make a difference.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Baby Talk
So just another day..... another day gone, another day to look forward too.
Yet so many things are going on. One of my dear friends found out she is pregnant. Which is absolutely fantastic! However, it makes for all this baby talk.
It seems to me that all my friends are having babies, getting married, ect, ect. And then the lovely questions come at me.
When are you going to settle down?
When are you going to having kids?
Well, the answer is....
I DON"T KNOW!!!!
I have so many things in my life that I want to do, and well getting married and having kids are just not in the picture right now.
What is wrong with that? Well apparently I am weird or something, because I am not ready to settle down and have babies...... Yeah OK. :(
HHHHHMMMMMMM. What happened to living your life, having your dreams, your goals?
Just because mine are not about getting married and having children I don't think that makes me any less successful. Right?
I am just not sure if it's in the cards for me. My goals and dreams are different. I want to write, and travel, finish school. Not to mention maybe, a good man :) lol
Bringing me to another point. How am I going to have kids, if I can't even find the right guy to settle down with? Yeah well that's my thinking... I am not ready for that either, and even then, I am still not sure about kids.
Ok so this is my rant, just under a little pressure, from things I shouldn't even be getting pressured about. But well that's why I have my blog. I can write what I feel and what I know.
Yet so many things are going on. One of my dear friends found out she is pregnant. Which is absolutely fantastic! However, it makes for all this baby talk.
It seems to me that all my friends are having babies, getting married, ect, ect. And then the lovely questions come at me.
When are you going to settle down?
When are you going to having kids?
Well, the answer is....
I DON"T KNOW!!!!
I have so many things in my life that I want to do, and well getting married and having kids are just not in the picture right now.
What is wrong with that? Well apparently I am weird or something, because I am not ready to settle down and have babies...... Yeah OK. :(
HHHHHMMMMMMM. What happened to living your life, having your dreams, your goals?
Just because mine are not about getting married and having children I don't think that makes me any less successful. Right?
I am just not sure if it's in the cards for me. My goals and dreams are different. I want to write, and travel, finish school. Not to mention maybe, a good man :) lol
Bringing me to another point. How am I going to have kids, if I can't even find the right guy to settle down with? Yeah well that's my thinking... I am not ready for that either, and even then, I am still not sure about kids.
Ok so this is my rant, just under a little pressure, from things I shouldn't even be getting pressured about. But well that's why I have my blog. I can write what I feel and what I know.
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
Good day.
Hello World.
Well I am sorry I have not kept this blog as up to date I would have hoped. Not to say that I don't want to, I have been crazy busy. Life seems to get that way sometimes.
Life has been a little complicated lately. The boy and I decided friends is the best thing right now, considering what an emotional mess I am, I think it may be for the best. He feels he can't handle my ups and downs. Well ok, guess what. YOU ARE NOT WORTH IT and please don't feed me anymore of your bull crap. So yes that's that.
Now then Work has been stressful, I am applying for a new position and I truley hope I get it. It would be a wonderful opportunity for me and diminish some of my current stress, not to mention I would kick ass.
So yes in a nut shell that is what is going on.
More updates to come.
Peace and
Much love,
Kates
Well I am sorry I have not kept this blog as up to date I would have hoped. Not to say that I don't want to, I have been crazy busy. Life seems to get that way sometimes.
Life has been a little complicated lately. The boy and I decided friends is the best thing right now, considering what an emotional mess I am, I think it may be for the best. He feels he can't handle my ups and downs. Well ok, guess what. YOU ARE NOT WORTH IT and please don't feed me anymore of your bull crap. So yes that's that.
Now then Work has been stressful, I am applying for a new position and I truley hope I get it. It would be a wonderful opportunity for me and diminish some of my current stress, not to mention I would kick ass.
So yes in a nut shell that is what is going on.
More updates to come.
Peace and
Much love,
Kates
Sunday, May 27, 2007
Memorial Day
On this day let's all take the time out to say thank you! Thank you to those who are over seas, fighting for our freedom.
Now we may not all agree on why we are over there or if it's right or wrong. But we do have our troops over there fighting for us. So this weekend as we are having our bar-b-ques, playing golf, or enjoying the day.
Take a Minute, just one minute to say thank you, and maybe a little prayer. Remember over there fighting is someone's brother, son, daughter, wife, husband, Over there is someone that somebody loves.
Pray for their safe return, pray for their dedication, pray for their families.
I am saying thank you! THANK YOU! Happy Memorial Day!
Now we may not all agree on why we are over there or if it's right or wrong. But we do have our troops over there fighting for us. So this weekend as we are having our bar-b-ques, playing golf, or enjoying the day.
Take a Minute, just one minute to say thank you, and maybe a little prayer. Remember over there fighting is someone's brother, son, daughter, wife, husband, Over there is someone that somebody loves.
Pray for their safe return, pray for their dedication, pray for their families.
I am saying thank you! THANK YOU! Happy Memorial Day!
Monday, May 21, 2007
Well my last post seemed a but depressing. Sorry, sometimes I am just not in the zone. However I am picking myself up again, and feeling much better. I have updated my other blog http://outoflifeoutofmind.blogspot.com/ quite a bit lately.
I have been in what you may call MY ZONE.. Sometimes all I want to do is write, write, write.
Not only that but I have had a lot of other things going on. I did the heart walk this last weekend with my dad who suffered a heart attack a little over two years ago, and I have been on a major hiking frenzy. Since the weather has become warmer I have been out enjoying the beautiful days.
So yes, things have been a little tangled, but things are also positive. I just have to remember the sadness will pass, and there is always that next beautiful adventure out there just waiting to be conquered!
I am just checking in, even if no one is reading, I feel better just getting it out!
Everyone have a FAB week!
I have been in what you may call MY ZONE.. Sometimes all I want to do is write, write, write.
Not only that but I have had a lot of other things going on. I did the heart walk this last weekend with my dad who suffered a heart attack a little over two years ago, and I have been on a major hiking frenzy. Since the weather has become warmer I have been out enjoying the beautiful days.
So yes, things have been a little tangled, but things are also positive. I just have to remember the sadness will pass, and there is always that next beautiful adventure out there just waiting to be conquered!
I am just checking in, even if no one is reading, I feel better just getting it out!
Everyone have a FAB week!
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Just checking in
Hi,
I know it been a little touch and go here on this blog.
Things have been a little tangled to say the least. If you have read my previous posts, you know I suffer from bi-polar disorder, and lately I have been in a not so good place.
I hate it when life gets complicated and people have a hard time understanding me for me. I try so very hard to let things go and not get so emotional.
Some day's I am on top of the world, while others, I can't even bring myself to get out of bed.
My therapist is wonderful, and I am on all the meds, but it's still hard to overcome me. I wonder everyday, why I have to suffer this, and some days I pray to let it all end.
However, I know that is not the answer. I am a special person, one of a kind. Yes it takes me longer to let people in, to trust, but that is just me.
Someday I will get control over my life. I know I am taking steps in the right direction, it's just gonna take me a minute to get there.
When I get there I will blow the world away.
There is a part of me just waiting to be discovered.
I know it been a little touch and go here on this blog.
Things have been a little tangled to say the least. If you have read my previous posts, you know I suffer from bi-polar disorder, and lately I have been in a not so good place.
I hate it when life gets complicated and people have a hard time understanding me for me. I try so very hard to let things go and not get so emotional.
Some day's I am on top of the world, while others, I can't even bring myself to get out of bed.
My therapist is wonderful, and I am on all the meds, but it's still hard to overcome me. I wonder everyday, why I have to suffer this, and some days I pray to let it all end.
However, I know that is not the answer. I am a special person, one of a kind. Yes it takes me longer to let people in, to trust, but that is just me.
Someday I will get control over my life. I know I am taking steps in the right direction, it's just gonna take me a minute to get there.
When I get there I will blow the world away.
There is a part of me just waiting to be discovered.
Sunday, May 6, 2007
My Sunday
Awe the weekend has once again come to a close, and as much as I like to sit around and do nothing (mostly trying to recover from the past week, or to psych myself up for the week to come)It is getting warmer, and I absolutely can not sit and do nothing!
The rain let up and I loaded up my hiking gear and I was off. The day was to nice to pass up. I have been itching to go hiking for a while now, and every time I have planned on going, yes it started to rain. So when I looked outside and saw the beautiful sun, I did not hesitate to get out there.
All I can say is, I am so glad that I did. We have some of the most beautiful trails up here in the northwest, and I am always taken with the beauty that stands in front of me everyday. Today my mission was simple. I was going to conquer the waterfalls!
The beauty was breathtaking. As I hiked and explored I felt a peace that I only feel when I am hiking.
So today I would like to share a few of the beautiful things I was fortunate enough to see I hope you enjoy.
Do I really have to go back to work?
The rain let up and I loaded up my hiking gear and I was off. The day was to nice to pass up. I have been itching to go hiking for a while now, and every time I have planned on going, yes it started to rain. So when I looked outside and saw the beautiful sun, I did not hesitate to get out there.
All I can say is, I am so glad that I did. We have some of the most beautiful trails up here in the northwest, and I am always taken with the beauty that stands in front of me everyday. Today my mission was simple. I was going to conquer the waterfalls!
The beauty was breathtaking. As I hiked and explored I felt a peace that I only feel when I am hiking.
So today I would like to share a few of the beautiful things I was fortunate enough to see I hope you enjoy.
Do I really have to go back to work?
Tuesday, May 1, 2007
And your Priorities are Where?
When do you say enough is enough? Move on, Throw in the towel, Get you priorities in order NOW! With that in mind, I have had a friend going through a pretty tough time recently. The news he received this week, is pretty major and completely unexpected. You might say, well, this will change his life.
First a little back round.....
We dated a long time ago, and since have become very good friends. He is a doll, his looks could kill and he has a kick-ass personality to go along with that beautiful face. After we had stopped dating, he met someone he fell hard for, and I mean hard. They only dated for three months, and still he can not get over her. (keep in mind the breakup happened almost 10 months ago) Now I understand that getting your heart broken can be hard, trust me when my five year relationship ended, I never thought I would get over it. However hard it was I knew that there is life after a failed relationship. So anyways, I have been trying to help him see that there are other girls out there for him, I advised him he doesn't have to get serious, but having a little fun can be good for the bruised heart.
This went on for a while, and I was beginning to worry, he continuously mentioned her. "Should I call her?", "Do you think I should stop by her work?" Well my advise was no. Let me explain, he sent her roses, and she became very upset, changed her number & blocked him off of her myspace. So I think that was a pretty good indicator that he was achieving stocker status in her eyes. I hate to see him hurt, but at the same time he is hurting more by holding on to someone who has no love back.
The hardest thing for me to understand about this is, he is so good looking, and such a sweet person. But I also understand it can take time to heal a broken heart.
Moving forward to a few weeks ago, we were working out and he tells me he has a date! I was so excited, finally he was taking that step to moving forward. He was also thinking about moving back to Arizona, which is also awesome, because I know he loves it there. So the conversation was good upbeat, happy even. He told me that he was moving on, he didn't need her anymore..... What a relief!
So this week, I get several texts and missed calls from him.... I call back thinking, O my gosh I hope he is OK. So he tells me he has news that will effect his relationship with the girl, (ok I am thinking HHHMMM I thought we had moved on) So he is beating around the bush, and I had to practically beat it out of him... Finally, he tells me, the girl I had a date with is pregnant.... WHAT? WHAT? I said..... Did you not use protection? "Well he tells me, She said she couldn't get pregnant". I was in shock, 3 times, yes 3 times they went out, and now he is tied to her forever...
Well he is pretty calm about the situation, and I am panicking more than him. I mean this is a big deal, and I can not understand how he can be so poised. He is more worried about how the girl will feel about this, Yes the girl he has not spoken to in almost 10 months! WHAT, I mean WHAT????? This is something that will forever change your life, and not to mention, you hardly know the girl who is going to be your baby's momma!
So this week, we talk again, I am concerned about how he is doing. Once again he is a mess. Instantly I am thinking that it has to do with the baby, and the girl.... Wrong, wrong again. He saw on someone's myspace, that the girl called him a stalker... Well are you really surprised? I mean really where the hell are your priorities? He is one of my good friends, but I just don't understand his way of thinking. It makes no sense! He was just given news that will change his life forever, and he is more worried about a girl he doesn't even talk to anymore.
Well I have no idea how to be there for him anymore. I have tried to help him move on, and tried to be as gentle as possible, but how much is enough? I am dumbfounded, there is no other way to describe it.
Well this is me venting, hit me up with any advice. PLEASE!
Happy May Day!
The first day of May always brings so much promise of the summer that is just around the corner. Finally the flowers are blooming, the tree's are budding, and the days are getting longer and warmer. AWE..
Last night as I was browsing blogs I came across a challenge for May, it called the Every Day in May. My everyday in May will be to write, and do some photography that I have been putting off. I will update my blog either on this site or My other site Outoflifeoutofmind. The challenge here is to do something you love, even if it's not your best work, give it a go. What will your Everyday in May be?
I encourage you to join me :)
Happy May Day!
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Wine and Crab Galore...
I decided to take off this weekend and check out an event that I have heard so much about, but did not get around to seeing yet.
So I packed my bags, filled my car up, and hit the road. I was on my way to the Annual Crab Festival in Astoria, OR. What an adventure it was! Not only did I get to eat some of the best crab I have ever tasted, I also got the privilege of tasting some of the best wine right here in the Northwest. Now I have heard that there are many winery's up here, (I must admit I have been a little slacking on exploring that avenue), but I never imaged there were this many. Now by no means am I a wino, as a matter of fact, I know next to nothing about wine tasting. I do however know that I prefer white, to red. Sad it is, that is where my knowledge stops.
This weekend I got a introductory education on wine tasting. Not only were the wine's incredible, but I was in absolute shock at how many different white wines there are. Now I know I may sound a bit uneducated here, but like I said I know next to nothing about this subject.
With that in mind, I was able to experience many different kinds of my all time favorite, Pinot Gris, then there was the Pinot Noir, and I think I may have found a new favorite taste in Riesling wine. Being that it was pretty early, I was able to have another favorite, Mimosa.
Well By 11 am it was time to hit the crab lunch. Yes it was 11am and already I had a buzz. If I was to survive the rest of the day I needed some food in my stomach.
So I made my way to the area where we ate the famous crab dinner. I got the half crab, and halfway through that I was wishing I had the full crab, it was that good! As I was sitting there trying to figure out how I was going to break this crab open with just a plastic fork, the lady next to me took this block of wood and just starting beating the crab with it. I had to giggle. This was definitely a first time experience I would never forget. So I joined in, and I will have to admit..... IT WAS FUN!
After eating my wonderful crab lunch, I decided to go do some more tasting. My stomach was full, and I was ready. The festival started to get pretty crowded, and walking with a wine glass became a little harder. Many people had these little wine glass holders, that you wear like a necklace, and your wine glass fits in there. Not only did it free my hands, but I was able to keep my glass from spilling, and I looked like I was supposed to be there. haha. So more wine tasting I did. I have never experienced anything like this before. The people were amazing, and friendly ( I am sure it had nothing to do with the fact that everyone was feeling a little happy!) and the food was incredible.
It was so hard to choose which wines I wanted to buy. I didn't have a lot of money to spend, so I had to choose carefully, but in the end I was happy with the wine's I purchased. All in all I have to say it as a fantastic time, and I will be doing this again next year!
Cheers!
So I packed my bags, filled my car up, and hit the road. I was on my way to the Annual Crab Festival in Astoria, OR. What an adventure it was! Not only did I get to eat some of the best crab I have ever tasted, I also got the privilege of tasting some of the best wine right here in the Northwest. Now I have heard that there are many winery's up here, (I must admit I have been a little slacking on exploring that avenue), but I never imaged there were this many. Now by no means am I a wino, as a matter of fact, I know next to nothing about wine tasting. I do however know that I prefer white, to red. Sad it is, that is where my knowledge stops.
This weekend I got a introductory education on wine tasting. Not only were the wine's incredible, but I was in absolute shock at how many different white wines there are. Now I know I may sound a bit uneducated here, but like I said I know next to nothing about this subject.
With that in mind, I was able to experience many different kinds of my all time favorite, Pinot Gris, then there was the Pinot Noir, and I think I may have found a new favorite taste in Riesling wine. Being that it was pretty early, I was able to have another favorite, Mimosa.
Well By 11 am it was time to hit the crab lunch. Yes it was 11am and already I had a buzz. If I was to survive the rest of the day I needed some food in my stomach.
So I made my way to the area where we ate the famous crab dinner. I got the half crab, and halfway through that I was wishing I had the full crab, it was that good! As I was sitting there trying to figure out how I was going to break this crab open with just a plastic fork, the lady next to me took this block of wood and just starting beating the crab with it. I had to giggle. This was definitely a first time experience I would never forget. So I joined in, and I will have to admit..... IT WAS FUN!
After eating my wonderful crab lunch, I decided to go do some more tasting. My stomach was full, and I was ready. The festival started to get pretty crowded, and walking with a wine glass became a little harder. Many people had these little wine glass holders, that you wear like a necklace, and your wine glass fits in there. Not only did it free my hands, but I was able to keep my glass from spilling, and I looked like I was supposed to be there. haha. So more wine tasting I did. I have never experienced anything like this before. The people were amazing, and friendly ( I am sure it had nothing to do with the fact that everyone was feeling a little happy!) and the food was incredible.
It was so hard to choose which wines I wanted to buy. I didn't have a lot of money to spend, so I had to choose carefully, but in the end I was happy with the wine's I purchased. All in all I have to say it as a fantastic time, and I will be doing this again next year!
Cheers!
Sunday, April 22, 2007
A Beautiful Kind Of Silent.
So despite the events of the past week and feeling so emotional all week, the end of my week ended beautifully.
The boy, knowing how bad I was feeling this week decided what I needed was a night away, so we went up to Seattle. Now I understand it may be hard to understand me, I can be very emotional and shut off sometimes especially when I am dealing with emotional stress. For so long it was so much easier to deal by myself then to say I need help. The school shootings this week brought back many bad memories, feelings and a sadness I haven't felt in a long time. There were a few moments this last week when I just broke down.
I have been working very hard at communicating my feelings, especially with the boy. You can not build a relationship without communication right? So knowing how sad I was feeling, he was completely understanding. We didn't talk much about the sadness, but that's not what I needed. I needed him to be there. And he was. He understands that I will talk about things when I am ready, and he knew why I was feeling like this. The best thing about this weekend was, he was there. When I didn't feel like talking he just held me and let me be silent.
I am starting to feel comfort with him, it's ok to be silent, and there is no awkwardnesses. When I fall asleep next to him, his breathing puts me at ease.
Getting away this weekend, was just what I needed, a weekend to not think about all that is wrong in this world. There is no-one that I would have wanted to spend it with, and there are no words that I can say to him to let him know how much i appreciate him. For letting me be sad, and making me happy all at once.
So yes Seattle was great. There is something about that city that brings so much out. For me that is he where he first said the words that made me think of our future, where he brought me again, so I would forget about all that is wrong.
So yes, Seattle has a magic.
The boy, knowing how bad I was feeling this week decided what I needed was a night away, so we went up to Seattle. Now I understand it may be hard to understand me, I can be very emotional and shut off sometimes especially when I am dealing with emotional stress. For so long it was so much easier to deal by myself then to say I need help. The school shootings this week brought back many bad memories, feelings and a sadness I haven't felt in a long time. There were a few moments this last week when I just broke down.
I have been working very hard at communicating my feelings, especially with the boy. You can not build a relationship without communication right? So knowing how sad I was feeling, he was completely understanding. We didn't talk much about the sadness, but that's not what I needed. I needed him to be there. And he was. He understands that I will talk about things when I am ready, and he knew why I was feeling like this. The best thing about this weekend was, he was there. When I didn't feel like talking he just held me and let me be silent.
I am starting to feel comfort with him, it's ok to be silent, and there is no awkwardnesses. When I fall asleep next to him, his breathing puts me at ease.
Getting away this weekend, was just what I needed, a weekend to not think about all that is wrong in this world. There is no-one that I would have wanted to spend it with, and there are no words that I can say to him to let him know how much i appreciate him. For letting me be sad, and making me happy all at once.
So yes Seattle was great. There is something about that city that brings so much out. For me that is he where he first said the words that made me think of our future, where he brought me again, so I would forget about all that is wrong.
So yes, Seattle has a magic.
Monday, April 16, 2007
Feeling Emotional
So I don't even know how to start this post. I am so emotional today, I am sure everyone has heard about the school massacre today at the Virginia Tech Campus. So very sad, my heart truley goes out to all of those poor innocent people that lost their lives today, and the many more who were injured in the shooting. Also to the families who are grieving for their loss.
I find myself glued to the t.v. tonight, and I can't help but remember two similar times, when again I was unable to pull myself away form the t.v. The Columbine massacre and 9-11.
The Columbine massacre happened my senior year in high school, and at the time I was living in Colorado, and had many friends at Columbine. I will never forget that day in my life.
Today I am feeling the same emotions, anger, hurt, and a sadness that I can not explain. Again there are just two times before this that I have felt like this.
I do not understand how people can be so heartless. Why? Why is this happening? Can life be so bad that you have to take the lives of innocent people? Can there truley be a meaning to all this madness?
People go to school to learn, never in my wildest dreams, would I think that my life could end there. People went to work on 9-11, never imaging that today would be their last day on earth.
It is so tragic, that we can not do the things in life that we have worked so hard for, or are working hard to become.
Today I am overcome with a sadness and I ask that you please take a moment of your time to say a prayer for the people who so innocently lost their lives today, and the families who are grieving.
We will never get an answer as to why this happened, we will never have closure to many of the massacres that have happened in the recent years.
Please don't ever forget.
I find myself glued to the t.v. tonight, and I can't help but remember two similar times, when again I was unable to pull myself away form the t.v. The Columbine massacre and 9-11.
The Columbine massacre happened my senior year in high school, and at the time I was living in Colorado, and had many friends at Columbine. I will never forget that day in my life.
Today I am feeling the same emotions, anger, hurt, and a sadness that I can not explain. Again there are just two times before this that I have felt like this.
I do not understand how people can be so heartless. Why? Why is this happening? Can life be so bad that you have to take the lives of innocent people? Can there truley be a meaning to all this madness?
People go to school to learn, never in my wildest dreams, would I think that my life could end there. People went to work on 9-11, never imaging that today would be their last day on earth.
It is so tragic, that we can not do the things in life that we have worked so hard for, or are working hard to become.
Today I am overcome with a sadness and I ask that you please take a moment of your time to say a prayer for the people who so innocently lost their lives today, and the families who are grieving.
We will never get an answer as to why this happened, we will never have closure to many of the massacres that have happened in the recent years.
Please don't ever forget.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
New Lessons.
So the birthday has come and gone, and I have to say I am not disappointed. I was able to spend it with the people I care most about, My family, my best friend, and yes the boy. Again I am thinking I am eating my words here with him. We are so different, but maybe that's what makes us good. I truly know he cares about me, and there is a big part of me that tends to distance myself from love, due to my past experiences.
However, when it comes down to it, he is there, and it's the little things he remembers. the little things that make me happy that he tries to do for me. You see he comes from money, I don't. I think sometimes I use that as an excuse as to why it won't work. But I may be ignorant here. Yes we are very different, but he does so much for me, he makes me feel good about myself, he tries so hard to make me understand that. My concern, as stupid as this may sound, I feel sometimes I am not good enough for him....... In my heart I know that's not true, I think we teach each other so many things about life that the other person was never exposed to.
The truth I miss him when he's not there. His emotional level is different than mine, but he is getting better, why? because I told him I needed this. So yes, this is me being a little selfish.
So why? Why am I pushing this person away, when everything he does, he does for me, and when we are together, I feel nothing but him.
Again I am eating my words from my previous posts. I have been through so much in my life and I can not blame, or compare him to past experiences. He has done everything to make me happy.
Now when I say he comes from money and he does everything for me, I feel I have to clarify. I feel bad because I don't want him to take care of me financially, I am very independent, but I don't have the money he does, and was not given the opportunities he has been given. Yes he takes me out a lot, but it's the little things I appreciate from him, not the money. However growing up with money and growing up in middle class is very different. Again sometimes I feel will I ever be good enough for him? The answer is in my heart somewhere.
The truth of the matter is, he cares, and I care. No matter how different we may be, and no matter what backgrounds we come from, we met each other for a reason. It may be a short lesson, or a life time love. What ever the reason, right now I need him, and I can not let my past dictate my feelings for him.
This year has been a hard year, but I am ready for a new year, a new beginning.... I still have so much more to learn, and so much more to experience.
So yes as emotional as it may be my 26 years on this earth has made me who I am, but its also who I am going to become.
However, when it comes down to it, he is there, and it's the little things he remembers. the little things that make me happy that he tries to do for me. You see he comes from money, I don't. I think sometimes I use that as an excuse as to why it won't work. But I may be ignorant here. Yes we are very different, but he does so much for me, he makes me feel good about myself, he tries so hard to make me understand that. My concern, as stupid as this may sound, I feel sometimes I am not good enough for him....... In my heart I know that's not true, I think we teach each other so many things about life that the other person was never exposed to.
The truth I miss him when he's not there. His emotional level is different than mine, but he is getting better, why? because I told him I needed this. So yes, this is me being a little selfish.
So why? Why am I pushing this person away, when everything he does, he does for me, and when we are together, I feel nothing but him.
Again I am eating my words from my previous posts. I have been through so much in my life and I can not blame, or compare him to past experiences. He has done everything to make me happy.
Now when I say he comes from money and he does everything for me, I feel I have to clarify. I feel bad because I don't want him to take care of me financially, I am very independent, but I don't have the money he does, and was not given the opportunities he has been given. Yes he takes me out a lot, but it's the little things I appreciate from him, not the money. However growing up with money and growing up in middle class is very different. Again sometimes I feel will I ever be good enough for him? The answer is in my heart somewhere.
The truth of the matter is, he cares, and I care. No matter how different we may be, and no matter what backgrounds we come from, we met each other for a reason. It may be a short lesson, or a life time love. What ever the reason, right now I need him, and I can not let my past dictate my feelings for him.
This year has been a hard year, but I am ready for a new year, a new beginning.... I still have so much more to learn, and so much more to experience.
So yes as emotional as it may be my 26 years on this earth has made me who I am, but its also who I am going to become.
Monday, April 9, 2007
Another Year....
Yet another year has passed and on the eve of my 26th birthday I am feeling a little emotional. So many memories, so much pain, so much laughter and yet another person emerges. I have to reflect a little bit on so many changes that have overcome me in the last year. This year, more than ever has had a major impact on my life as a whole.
I have dealt with things that I have never dealt with before. So many painful memories that for so long were so very much a part of me, but now I am putting behind me. For the first time in a long time I am looking at these things as being in my past. I understand that they are a part of me, and this is what shaped me in some way or another, but I also realize that they are in my past, and I can not base my future on my past, or let my past dictate my life as a whole.
Now I am moving forward in a direction that is right, a direction that will better me as a whole. Today I went and finished what I need to do to go back to school. This is very important to me, I want to fulfill my dream of becoming a writer. For so long I had someone in my shadow, holding me back, telling me I was not smart enough or good enough, and why did I want to finish school when that was not my place in this world. For so long I had someone belittling me and making me feel as if I was not a whole person, someone who at the drop of a hat, made no hesitation to make me feel like the worst person in the world.
Yes now I can look back at that and say "you know what? It did happen to me, but thanks to you I am now better and stronger, and I will fulfill my dreams". No one, no one will ever hold me back again.
So you see this may seem like a little thing to so many people, but to me this is everything. One of the things I am learning this year is that no matter how things have played out for you in the past, you can always make them better for your future. I still have a very long road ahead of me, and some days are harder than others, but each day brings a new challenge, and a new promise. At least I have my dignity and my freedom back, knowing that some days are hard but I have the support I need to get through each day. This blog is one of my biggest support systems, if not only through my writings, but also through others.
So yet another year has gone, but a much more promising lays just ahead. So yes Happy Birthday to me! So much to be thankful, and grateful for.
I have dealt with things that I have never dealt with before. So many painful memories that for so long were so very much a part of me, but now I am putting behind me. For the first time in a long time I am looking at these things as being in my past. I understand that they are a part of me, and this is what shaped me in some way or another, but I also realize that they are in my past, and I can not base my future on my past, or let my past dictate my life as a whole.
Now I am moving forward in a direction that is right, a direction that will better me as a whole. Today I went and finished what I need to do to go back to school. This is very important to me, I want to fulfill my dream of becoming a writer. For so long I had someone in my shadow, holding me back, telling me I was not smart enough or good enough, and why did I want to finish school when that was not my place in this world. For so long I had someone belittling me and making me feel as if I was not a whole person, someone who at the drop of a hat, made no hesitation to make me feel like the worst person in the world.
Yes now I can look back at that and say "you know what? It did happen to me, but thanks to you I am now better and stronger, and I will fulfill my dreams". No one, no one will ever hold me back again.
So you see this may seem like a little thing to so many people, but to me this is everything. One of the things I am learning this year is that no matter how things have played out for you in the past, you can always make them better for your future. I still have a very long road ahead of me, and some days are harder than others, but each day brings a new challenge, and a new promise. At least I have my dignity and my freedom back, knowing that some days are hard but I have the support I need to get through each day. This blog is one of my biggest support systems, if not only through my writings, but also through others.
So yet another year has gone, but a much more promising lays just ahead. So yes Happy Birthday to me! So much to be thankful, and grateful for.
Wednesday, April 4, 2007
Spring Fever
This week is almost over! Thank goodness! Why is it that the beginning of the month is always so hectic? Or maybe its just at my job.
So this week besides being busy is going pretty well, I have some vacation next week and let me just say I am so looking forward to it. I have been hitting the gym pretty hard, summer is just around the corner. Not to mention its a great way to clear my head.
Last week seemed to be a bit of a downer for me, and maybe thats in part to the rain. I am so over the gloomy weather and rain, I am waiting for Mr. Sunshine to show his beautiful face. This week he has! There is something about this time of year that is so promising, spring is like a new beginning. All the beautiful flowers start to pop up, not to mention the aroma they put in the air. There is just something in the air that makes me want to jump up and scream. Ok maybe not that dramatic, but you get my point. The days start getting longer and you know bar-b-que season is just around the corner. Sitting out on the porch watching the sunset, listening the crickets chirruping, feeling that breeze that is just right, just enough to cool you off from the hot day that lies behind you. Ah yes, summer is almost here, and it sounds as if I have a bit of spring fever.
I am sure that many will agree we just can't wait for that warm weather that is just around the corner. Well I do hope everyone is having a fantastic week! I need to get some shut eye, tomorrow is another busy day.
So this week besides being busy is going pretty well, I have some vacation next week and let me just say I am so looking forward to it. I have been hitting the gym pretty hard, summer is just around the corner. Not to mention its a great way to clear my head.
Last week seemed to be a bit of a downer for me, and maybe thats in part to the rain. I am so over the gloomy weather and rain, I am waiting for Mr. Sunshine to show his beautiful face. This week he has! There is something about this time of year that is so promising, spring is like a new beginning. All the beautiful flowers start to pop up, not to mention the aroma they put in the air. There is just something in the air that makes me want to jump up and scream. Ok maybe not that dramatic, but you get my point. The days start getting longer and you know bar-b-que season is just around the corner. Sitting out on the porch watching the sunset, listening the crickets chirruping, feeling that breeze that is just right, just enough to cool you off from the hot day that lies behind you. Ah yes, summer is almost here, and it sounds as if I have a bit of spring fever.
I am sure that many will agree we just can't wait for that warm weather that is just around the corner. Well I do hope everyone is having a fantastic week! I need to get some shut eye, tomorrow is another busy day.
Sunday, April 1, 2007
Now Then
Well last night I decided to go out with the boy, and we had a great time, as we always do.... So yes if you read my blog, I think I am eating my words here. Anyhow we went to this place that has everything, blowing, pool, an arcade, food, you name it they have it. Its a little like an adult playground.
So we are getting some more tokens, because we are totally kicking some ass on this game, and there are all these little kids standing around us. I am thinking they are also waiting to get more tokens, but no.... They are wanting ours! No please, just " can I have your tokens". I mean WHAT? Who taught you manners???? If I ever would have done that my mom would have kicked my butt into tomorrow. Now me, I am a little soft, so I was kinda standing there dumbfounded, still in disbelief that these sweet little kids could be such brats, and my boy laughs and tells them no, go ask your mom. Then the little brat calls us a name and walks off.
WTF???? You know if the kid would have been half way decent I would have considered giving him a few tokens, I have a soft spot, but you can at least say please, and the name calling. I was in shock!
So we go play the game we were winning at, and I mean really winning, we had tickets galore. Once again all these little kids were standing around us. Ok fine, I like to watch when people are winning too, but again every 5 seconds, "you should give me your tickets, I want your tickets" No please or WOW that's really cool that you are winning.... Just "give me your tickets".
I am in complete shock that kids act this way, not just one kid but several. Again you taught you manners???
Eventually I did give some of our tickets to two little boys, they were the only ones not begging. And yes, they even said thank you! I have no problem giving my tickets away, I mean the things you can get for them looked way better as a kid anyway. And really we were just having fun. But I do have a problem with the way that some people can act.
All in all it was a fun night, we won and had a great time!
So we are getting some more tokens, because we are totally kicking some ass on this game, and there are all these little kids standing around us. I am thinking they are also waiting to get more tokens, but no.... They are wanting ours! No please, just " can I have your tokens". I mean WHAT? Who taught you manners???? If I ever would have done that my mom would have kicked my butt into tomorrow. Now me, I am a little soft, so I was kinda standing there dumbfounded, still in disbelief that these sweet little kids could be such brats, and my boy laughs and tells them no, go ask your mom. Then the little brat calls us a name and walks off.
WTF???? You know if the kid would have been half way decent I would have considered giving him a few tokens, I have a soft spot, but you can at least say please, and the name calling. I was in shock!
So we go play the game we were winning at, and I mean really winning, we had tickets galore. Once again all these little kids were standing around us. Ok fine, I like to watch when people are winning too, but again every 5 seconds, "you should give me your tickets, I want your tickets" No please or WOW that's really cool that you are winning.... Just "give me your tickets".
I am in complete shock that kids act this way, not just one kid but several. Again you taught you manners???
Eventually I did give some of our tickets to two little boys, they were the only ones not begging. And yes, they even said thank you! I have no problem giving my tickets away, I mean the things you can get for them looked way better as a kid anyway. And really we were just having fun. But I do have a problem with the way that some people can act.
All in all it was a fun night, we won and had a great time!
Thursday, March 29, 2007
A Bit of a Downer
Some days I feel as if I have the inspiration to do so much, but others, such as lately I feel so lost. Everything seemed to be going so well, and now I am starting to feel down again. I have not been keeping up with my blog much lately, and this is my outlet. My writing is what keeps me sane most of the time and lately I just don't know how to put anything in words.
I hate feeling like this, and I do apologize for my down mood, I just can't seem to get it together this week. I don't know maybe I am expecting to much to soon, taking on more than I can handle, being just a little disappointed in a newly rekindled relationship. I just don't know.
I can feel the start of the anxiety starting to come back, and this is a feeling I am not too comfortable with. Most of it I need to take my own blame for, I mean I was doing just fine, letting my heart heal, and the I got caught up in the emotion again.
Why is it that I can function so much better with just myself. I have been trying so very hard to be more open with people, let people in a little more than I normally do, but my heart just ends up hurting even more. I am so vulnerable to my emotions it scares me. Maybe this is why I feel safe to be myself, with myself. I am not sure if this is making any sense. Right now I feel just like rambling. I can feel myself starting to loose control again.
There is so much in my life that I am trying to conquer and move forward with and lately i feel that I have made in creditable progress , but then I feel like I may be taking two steps back. But as I have said before , life is a path we choose and one we grow and learn from. So why is it so hard to accept this?
Well just something to chew on for a bit.
I hate feeling like this, and I do apologize for my down mood, I just can't seem to get it together this week. I don't know maybe I am expecting to much to soon, taking on more than I can handle, being just a little disappointed in a newly rekindled relationship. I just don't know.
I can feel the start of the anxiety starting to come back, and this is a feeling I am not too comfortable with. Most of it I need to take my own blame for, I mean I was doing just fine, letting my heart heal, and the I got caught up in the emotion again.
Why is it that I can function so much better with just myself. I have been trying so very hard to be more open with people, let people in a little more than I normally do, but my heart just ends up hurting even more. I am so vulnerable to my emotions it scares me. Maybe this is why I feel safe to be myself, with myself. I am not sure if this is making any sense. Right now I feel just like rambling. I can feel myself starting to loose control again.
There is so much in my life that I am trying to conquer and move forward with and lately i feel that I have made in creditable progress , but then I feel like I may be taking two steps back. But as I have said before , life is a path we choose and one we grow and learn from. So why is it so hard to accept this?
Well just something to chew on for a bit.
Monday, March 26, 2007
A little less enthused.......
I realize it has been a little bit since my last post.... Very sorry, I have been crazy busy!
Well Spring is in the air, life is moving as usual..... Things are not going to good with the boy, but I guess I didn't expect anything less.
I going to say it, why must people be so confusing, why do we say one thing but act a completely different way? I know in my heart that what I am feeling is what it is.... I guess sometimes I get my hopes up, and expect something that isn't there, and it will never be there. I hope that I don't look back at this and eat my words.
I was having a conversation with one of my friends the other day, and we were talking about dating. How do you know when to call it quits? I mean we have been dating for a while, and I just don't feel it. I mean shouldn't I feel something by now? I do care for him, but I don't love him, and I don't think I ever will.
So much is happening in my life right now and I just don't have the time, or maybe I am just not willing to make the time for him. Which is a big RED LIGHT! I think it's time to throw in the towel, move on.....
We are two very different people, our emotions are different, and I don't think that I can ever feel or be with someone who is the way he is.
I am really not asking for anything here, I really just need to vent, and read this so I can think more clearly. I really need to think about this, but it sounds like I have already made up my mind........
Sometimes I wonder if I am cut out to settle down. It's not so much that I want to experience the dating world, It's more like I can't make up my mind. At any moment I can pick up and leave. Now how am I going to fit a relationship in my life? I have so many plans and goals in my life, and lately I feel as if I am just beginning. Maybe not a positive outlook on my love life, but I am excited about my future.
Life can be so complicated at times, it makes my head spin, but I guess that is what living is about. Growing, finding yourself, and not having regrets. So With that being said, I guess I will have to see what these next fews days have in store for me!
Happy Monday! :)
Well Spring is in the air, life is moving as usual..... Things are not going to good with the boy, but I guess I didn't expect anything less.
I going to say it, why must people be so confusing, why do we say one thing but act a completely different way? I know in my heart that what I am feeling is what it is.... I guess sometimes I get my hopes up, and expect something that isn't there, and it will never be there. I hope that I don't look back at this and eat my words.
I was having a conversation with one of my friends the other day, and we were talking about dating. How do you know when to call it quits? I mean we have been dating for a while, and I just don't feel it. I mean shouldn't I feel something by now? I do care for him, but I don't love him, and I don't think I ever will.
So much is happening in my life right now and I just don't have the time, or maybe I am just not willing to make the time for him. Which is a big RED LIGHT! I think it's time to throw in the towel, move on.....
We are two very different people, our emotions are different, and I don't think that I can ever feel or be with someone who is the way he is.
I am really not asking for anything here, I really just need to vent, and read this so I can think more clearly. I really need to think about this, but it sounds like I have already made up my mind........
Sometimes I wonder if I am cut out to settle down. It's not so much that I want to experience the dating world, It's more like I can't make up my mind. At any moment I can pick up and leave. Now how am I going to fit a relationship in my life? I have so many plans and goals in my life, and lately I feel as if I am just beginning. Maybe not a positive outlook on my love life, but I am excited about my future.
Life can be so complicated at times, it makes my head spin, but I guess that is what living is about. Growing, finding yourself, and not having regrets. So With that being said, I guess I will have to see what these next fews days have in store for me!
Happy Monday! :)
Monday, March 12, 2007
The L Word.....
Well I'm back from my fabulous weekend in Seattle.. I have to say, I am completely amazed. I went up there with someone I have been dating on and off for the last couple months. Recently we have started dating again.. Well he threw that word out, Yes the L word.... L O V E.....
I have no idea how I feel about this, I mean, yes I like you, but love... Now I have to admit that when threw this word, my mouth dropped and I said "WHAT"? Maybe not the reaction he was hoping for, and well he quickly changed his tune. "Well I love you as a friend, but I am not in love with you...." OK WHATEVER!
First of all you don't throw that word out, not if you don't mean it. Now really, this was the last thing I expected.
Then he tells me, " well I was feeling emotional, I was caught up in the moment.." I don't care!!!! NEVER, EVER does that word need to be spoken unless you truley mean it.
I tell my friends I love them all the time, but i would never say it to someone I was dating, unless I meant it...... I am really not sure how to feel about this. Now I feel things to be a little weird. No matter how he tries to play it, it was said, and now I have to wonder in the back of my head, did he really mean, or was he just caught up in the moment...
Any advice you can give me on this would be most appreciated. I mean can you just throw that on the table and then take it back? I have no idea... But non the less this has been on my mind......
I have no idea how I feel about this, I mean, yes I like you, but love... Now I have to admit that when threw this word, my mouth dropped and I said "WHAT"? Maybe not the reaction he was hoping for, and well he quickly changed his tune. "Well I love you as a friend, but I am not in love with you...." OK WHATEVER!
First of all you don't throw that word out, not if you don't mean it. Now really, this was the last thing I expected.
Then he tells me, " well I was feeling emotional, I was caught up in the moment.." I don't care!!!! NEVER, EVER does that word need to be spoken unless you truley mean it.
I tell my friends I love them all the time, but i would never say it to someone I was dating, unless I meant it...... I am really not sure how to feel about this. Now I feel things to be a little weird. No matter how he tries to play it, it was said, and now I have to wonder in the back of my head, did he really mean, or was he just caught up in the moment...
Any advice you can give me on this would be most appreciated. I mean can you just throw that on the table and then take it back? I have no idea... But non the less this has been on my mind......
Tuesday, March 6, 2007
HHHMMM.....
Sometimes I have to wonder what is going on in my head. Recently I have decided to give a person I was previously dating a second chance, and I am starting to remember why I let him go.
When we first stated dating I was going through an emotional time and I thought that I was maybe not seeing things in a clear way, but now maybe I think I was right...... I have to trust my gut feeling, and I remember why I used to get so frustrated with him. You see I am all about emotions and I need someone who at least can be a little sensitive to me. Now I am not asking for attention, but a little understanding would be nice...
We are going away this weekend so I guess I will see how this goes, but I am not getting my hopes up. I know nothing is perfect, but if it's not there, it's not there right?
Well I am off to bed so hope everyone is having a good week so far!
When we first stated dating I was going through an emotional time and I thought that I was maybe not seeing things in a clear way, but now maybe I think I was right...... I have to trust my gut feeling, and I remember why I used to get so frustrated with him. You see I am all about emotions and I need someone who at least can be a little sensitive to me. Now I am not asking for attention, but a little understanding would be nice...
We are going away this weekend so I guess I will see how this goes, but I am not getting my hopes up. I know nothing is perfect, but if it's not there, it's not there right?
Well I am off to bed so hope everyone is having a good week so far!
Sunday, March 4, 2007
The weekend is Over!
It would be Sunday night, and I have to admit that I am a little sad to see the weekend end. I had a four day weekend and IT WAS FABULOUS! Now tomorrow is boring Monday! Monday should not be apart of the week, Mondays are always bad, I don't think that is has anything to do with the fact that the weekend is 5, yes count them 5 days away! YUCK! But if we were to get rid of Mondays all together then I guess Tuesday would be just as bad.
However, I am excited about the week to come it's supposed to be gorgeous all week! I am so over the cold rainy days that we have up here in the Great North West, I am about to go crazy! I miss the sun and the long days! So the weather being nice all week is only going to add to my good mood!
The other thing I am so looking forward to is my weekend trip up to Seattle this coming weekend! I am going with a really good friend and we are going to see the Bodies exhibit! I am sure this is going to be pretty interesting. I love Seattle also, so I am guessing this weekend is going to be great!
Well Hope everyone has a great Monday, Friday is not so far away!
However, I am excited about the week to come it's supposed to be gorgeous all week! I am so over the cold rainy days that we have up here in the Great North West, I am about to go crazy! I miss the sun and the long days! So the weather being nice all week is only going to add to my good mood!
The other thing I am so looking forward to is my weekend trip up to Seattle this coming weekend! I am going with a really good friend and we are going to see the Bodies exhibit! I am sure this is going to be pretty interesting. I love Seattle also, so I am guessing this weekend is going to be great!
Well Hope everyone has a great Monday, Friday is not so far away!
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Advice Anyone????
In my last blog I mentioned meeting someone, someone who finally broke down my barrier. I dated this person for a little while and then broke things off to get my-self together. Hey what can I say I was going through an emotional time and he was not making things easy for me. To be fair here my judgment may have been a little clouded by my emotional mind-frame at the time.
As great as he may be sometimes, his immaturity got to me, and some of his comments were just mean. I guess I can't understand why, if you care about someone so much do you have to be disrespectful at times? So I will have to put him at 90% great, 10% asshole. Even as I read this I am thinking, was it really the right thing to push him away? I mean, everyone has their faults right? I know I am in no way perfect. So then why do I insist on dating the perfect person?
Well , cutting him out of my life at that time was the right thing to do, how was I going to deal with problems I had with him if I couldn't even deal with my own problems. As much as it hurt to not have him there I had to get my thoughts and priority's straight.
Well he has been pretty persistent in not being cut out of my life, which makes me think, that hey he does care. We have recently been talking and trying things out again. I am scared, scared of my feelings and getting hurt, but i suppose that I will never know unless I try. We had a long talk and I was honest with him about my concerns and feelings, and I have to admit I was a little surprised buy his as well. He was honest in telling me that I hurt him buy shutting him out the way I did, however he does understand why I had to do what I did.
Seeing him again brought back so many feelings and emotions, and I realized how much I missed him. At the same time I remember why I got so angry at him. Many of my friends are not so happy about me talking to him again, but what can I say, I have to follow my heart. He is not a bad guy, just a little emotionally turned off at times. Again everyone has their faults. My decision here has to be, Do I want to deal with them and except them? More importantly can he do the same for me.
I think to myself that enough time has passed, we both have had some time to think about things and possibly try to work this out. I am having a hard time deciding what to do here, and maybe I am over analyzing the situation. I truley know he cares, but is this what I want? I guess this is something I am going to have to figure out for myself here.
As great as he may be sometimes, his immaturity got to me, and some of his comments were just mean. I guess I can't understand why, if you care about someone so much do you have to be disrespectful at times? So I will have to put him at 90% great, 10% asshole. Even as I read this I am thinking, was it really the right thing to push him away? I mean, everyone has their faults right? I know I am in no way perfect. So then why do I insist on dating the perfect person?
Well , cutting him out of my life at that time was the right thing to do, how was I going to deal with problems I had with him if I couldn't even deal with my own problems. As much as it hurt to not have him there I had to get my thoughts and priority's straight.
Well he has been pretty persistent in not being cut out of my life, which makes me think, that hey he does care. We have recently been talking and trying things out again. I am scared, scared of my feelings and getting hurt, but i suppose that I will never know unless I try. We had a long talk and I was honest with him about my concerns and feelings, and I have to admit I was a little surprised buy his as well. He was honest in telling me that I hurt him buy shutting him out the way I did, however he does understand why I had to do what I did.
Seeing him again brought back so many feelings and emotions, and I realized how much I missed him. At the same time I remember why I got so angry at him. Many of my friends are not so happy about me talking to him again, but what can I say, I have to follow my heart. He is not a bad guy, just a little emotionally turned off at times. Again everyone has their faults. My decision here has to be, Do I want to deal with them and except them? More importantly can he do the same for me.
I think to myself that enough time has passed, we both have had some time to think about things and possibly try to work this out. I am having a hard time deciding what to do here, and maybe I am over analyzing the situation. I truley know he cares, but is this what I want? I guess this is something I am going to have to figure out for myself here.
Emotional Outburst
Lately everything seems to be going good for me, I have decided to go back to school, I am volunteering and writing a lot. All things I love to do! For quite a long time I felt like I had lost my direction in life. I moved here to Washington from Denver about 2 years ago, it was time to start anew. I needed to re-group and get myself together. I was born and raised in Denver, but there were too many painful and bad memories there.
I have told myself a million times, you can not run from your problems, you have to face them head on. Well I thought that by moving I could clear my head and force myself to look at my life in a different light. I would have time to heal and focus on what was important to me. I felt that getting away would solve everything.
When I first moved here, I did a whole lot of nothing. I became a different person. I was suddenly not comfortable in my skin anymore, I was no longer the confident person that I once saw myself as. I closed myself off to people and became comfortable in doing so, I put up a barrier that was almost impossible to break down. It took me a very long time to make 1 friend and then trusting them, well that was out of the question. I came to the conclusion that it was easier this way. Why let someone in if they will just hurt you.
I know, I know, this was not a healthy was of thinking, and I will admit I did demonstrate some destructive behaviors during this time. Now looking back I realize I was in no way dealing with my problems, I was pushing them down. pretending they didn't exist, denial..... My whole thought process was, no one here knows me, they have no idea, so I can be anyone I want to be. Yeah not so much.....
Well as I was going through this phase I happened to meet someone, someone who did finally break down my barrier. Someone who cared enough about me to stay around and get to know me. Well let me be the first to admit, I was not sure how I felt about this. It had been so long since I have let someone in, i wasn't exactly sure how to do it. As I said before, I was a different person. Opening up to someone suddenly was so difficult for me. I had become a very to myself person, and communicating was not something I was great at. So once again I had to re-evaluate my self.
This was the hardest thing for me. Not only am I a different person, but I suddenly realized I am not the person I want to be. So yes, I had a nervous breakdown (almost) haha. I was so emotional, crying, not sleeping, i have never been that uncomfortable in my life. I decided it was time to deal with what was going on in my head. I had to deal with it myself.
It has been 6 months since I have started down my new path, slowly I am becoming the person that I know I am capable of being. I have learned that denying your problems will only make things worse, and that is no way to go through life. I still have a lot to work on, but then again dealing with issues that have affected your life for almost 15 years is not something you are going to get over in 6 months. Lately I do feel as if I have cleared my head, and am looking at life in a different light. I see a future and am excited about this!
I have told myself a million times, you can not run from your problems, you have to face them head on. Well I thought that by moving I could clear my head and force myself to look at my life in a different light. I would have time to heal and focus on what was important to me. I felt that getting away would solve everything.
When I first moved here, I did a whole lot of nothing. I became a different person. I was suddenly not comfortable in my skin anymore, I was no longer the confident person that I once saw myself as. I closed myself off to people and became comfortable in doing so, I put up a barrier that was almost impossible to break down. It took me a very long time to make 1 friend and then trusting them, well that was out of the question. I came to the conclusion that it was easier this way. Why let someone in if they will just hurt you.
I know, I know, this was not a healthy was of thinking, and I will admit I did demonstrate some destructive behaviors during this time. Now looking back I realize I was in no way dealing with my problems, I was pushing them down. pretending they didn't exist, denial..... My whole thought process was, no one here knows me, they have no idea, so I can be anyone I want to be. Yeah not so much.....
Well as I was going through this phase I happened to meet someone, someone who did finally break down my barrier. Someone who cared enough about me to stay around and get to know me. Well let me be the first to admit, I was not sure how I felt about this. It had been so long since I have let someone in, i wasn't exactly sure how to do it. As I said before, I was a different person. Opening up to someone suddenly was so difficult for me. I had become a very to myself person, and communicating was not something I was great at. So once again I had to re-evaluate my self.
This was the hardest thing for me. Not only am I a different person, but I suddenly realized I am not the person I want to be. So yes, I had a nervous breakdown (almost) haha. I was so emotional, crying, not sleeping, i have never been that uncomfortable in my life. I decided it was time to deal with what was going on in my head. I had to deal with it myself.
It has been 6 months since I have started down my new path, slowly I am becoming the person that I know I am capable of being. I have learned that denying your problems will only make things worse, and that is no way to go through life. I still have a lot to work on, but then again dealing with issues that have affected your life for almost 15 years is not something you are going to get over in 6 months. Lately I do feel as if I have cleared my head, and am looking at life in a different light. I see a future and am excited about this!
Where The Side Walk Ends
There is a place where the sidewalk ends
And before the street begins,
And there the grass grows soft and white,
And there the sun burns crimson bright,
And there the moon-bird rests from his flight
To cool in the peppermint wind.
Let us leave this place where the smoke blows black
And the dark street winds and bends.
Past the pits where the asphalt flowers grow
We shall walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And watch where the chalk white arrows go
To the place where the sidewalk ends.
Yes we'll walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And we'll go where the chalk white arrows go,
For the children, they mark, and the children, they know
The place where the sidewalk ends.
- Shel Silverstein
This one of my favorite poems, just wanted to share!
And before the street begins,
And there the grass grows soft and white,
And there the sun burns crimson bright,
And there the moon-bird rests from his flight
To cool in the peppermint wind.
Let us leave this place where the smoke blows black
And the dark street winds and bends.
Past the pits where the asphalt flowers grow
We shall walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And watch where the chalk white arrows go
To the place where the sidewalk ends.
Yes we'll walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And we'll go where the chalk white arrows go,
For the children, they mark, and the children, they know
The place where the sidewalk ends.
- Shel Silverstein
This one of my favorite poems, just wanted to share!
Welcome to My World!
Hello! I recently engaged myself in this whole new world of blogging and have found it quite theraputic, so yes, I decided to add a second blog! There are so many things I enjoy writing about that I am starting to realize that I have to seperate what I am writing about! Crazy as this may sound I am going to use this second blog as kind of a journal for myself. However don't be surprised if I throw in something totally off the wall..... Sometimes this is what I do best!
So a little about me, I am almost 26, female and about to embark on a new beginning in my life! I am a late bloomer as they might say. I just recently figured out, or at least narrowed it down to what I am going to make of my life. Yes I know I hear it all the time, I am so young, I have time. Well lately I feel that I am running out of time. But then again I don't regret any thing in my life so far. It has been one hell of a ride, a ride that I believe has made me grow up a lot faster than I would have liked. But as they say "what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger"
So on to my discovery about my future, i have decided to finish school, and do what I want to do! Yes I am going to try my hand at writing. Now I don't really have an interest in writing for a newspaper or be a reporter. I would like to do research writing, like for National Geographic or Time Magazine. I know that it may not make me a lot of money, but I know it will make me happy! To me that is more important than anything else!
So this is my beginning to my second blog. I am planning random writings here!
So a little about me, I am almost 26, female and about to embark on a new beginning in my life! I am a late bloomer as they might say. I just recently figured out, or at least narrowed it down to what I am going to make of my life. Yes I know I hear it all the time, I am so young, I have time. Well lately I feel that I am running out of time. But then again I don't regret any thing in my life so far. It has been one hell of a ride, a ride that I believe has made me grow up a lot faster than I would have liked. But as they say "what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger"
So on to my discovery about my future, i have decided to finish school, and do what I want to do! Yes I am going to try my hand at writing. Now I don't really have an interest in writing for a newspaper or be a reporter. I would like to do research writing, like for National Geographic or Time Magazine. I know that it may not make me a lot of money, but I know it will make me happy! To me that is more important than anything else!
So this is my beginning to my second blog. I am planning random writings here!
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