So the birthday has come and gone, and I have to say I am not disappointed. I was able to spend it with the people I care most about, My family, my best friend, and yes the boy. Again I am thinking I am eating my words here with him. We are so different, but maybe that's what makes us good. I truly know he cares about me, and there is a big part of me that tends to distance myself from love, due to my past experiences.
However, when it comes down to it, he is there, and it's the little things he remembers. the little things that make me happy that he tries to do for me. You see he comes from money, I don't. I think sometimes I use that as an excuse as to why it won't work. But I may be ignorant here. Yes we are very different, but he does so much for me, he makes me feel good about myself, he tries so hard to make me understand that. My concern, as stupid as this may sound, I feel sometimes I am not good enough for him....... In my heart I know that's not true, I think we teach each other so many things about life that the other person was never exposed to.
The truth I miss him when he's not there. His emotional level is different than mine, but he is getting better, why? because I told him I needed this. So yes, this is me being a little selfish.
So why? Why am I pushing this person away, when everything he does, he does for me, and when we are together, I feel nothing but him.
Again I am eating my words from my previous posts. I have been through so much in my life and I can not blame, or compare him to past experiences. He has done everything to make me happy.
Now when I say he comes from money and he does everything for me, I feel I have to clarify. I feel bad because I don't want him to take care of me financially, I am very independent, but I don't have the money he does, and was not given the opportunities he has been given. Yes he takes me out a lot, but it's the little things I appreciate from him, not the money. However growing up with money and growing up in middle class is very different. Again sometimes I feel will I ever be good enough for him? The answer is in my heart somewhere.
The truth of the matter is, he cares, and I care. No matter how different we may be, and no matter what backgrounds we come from, we met each other for a reason. It may be a short lesson, or a life time love. What ever the reason, right now I need him, and I can not let my past dictate my feelings for him.
This year has been a hard year, but I am ready for a new year, a new beginning.... I still have so much more to learn, and so much more to experience.
So yes as emotional as it may be my 26 years on this earth has made me who I am, but its also who I am going to become.
I know dealing with the "upper crust" can be a little difficult because if you're from the middle class you know you're dealing with a kettle of fish so different from your own that he might as well be from another planet.
ReplyDeleteBut don't forget that money isn't everything - certainly not the measure of a person and certainly your financial and social status does not reflect your true value.
And plus, despite his immense social disadvantages in being a toff, the boy sounds like he may be a find...
Suze x