We ask ourselves questions everyday. What could I have done to make things better? How could I have altered the situation? Why didn’t I spend more time with that person, why didn’t I try harder? If we ask ourselves these questions they tend to make us crazy, make us feel worse than we already do.
I ask myself all the time, what is wrong with me? Why can’t I be the person that everyone wants me to be? Why can’t I make it work? You know it is driving me crazy. I can’t help who I am, and I can’t help what my past has done to me. Unfortunately it has made me a harder person, yes I say harder. I close people off, don’t let them in, and shy away from closeness and love, even though it’s one of things that I want more than anything.
Why you might ask. It’s because I am scared, plain and simple. There is no way to simply understand this and there is no simple way for me to explain it. Experiences tend to take on a toll on a person, and how we choose to unitize them is our choice. Some of us take them and learn, others take them and run. Some of us hide behind the pain and close ourselves off from the one’s that care. I have to admit I am this way. So I write. I let people read, sometimes. My therapy is my writing. For me it is the only to look at my issues with an open mind, to heal my heart and to understand why I may be feeling this way.
I am scared everyday, I feel pain everyday, and I feel my life is not fair everyday. Then I look deep inside and know that I am a good person and I deserve only the best. That many people out there have it much worse than I do, and there is someone out there going through something that is going to completely alter their life.
My life is not so bad, my choices have not been the best, but I am trying to change that. I try to surround myself with people who genuinely care and don’t use me as a convenience. It is hard for me to trust and it is even harder for me to keep that trust in a person. I am trying and that is all I can do for now. As for the questions that I continue to ask myself everyday, the questions that make me feel bad, I just have to remember the good that is inside of me, the good that comes out everyday, even if I don’t always show it. There is a person, buried deep in my heart that is yearning to be born again. I am just not sure when I will be ready to let that person come to life. My heart is still healing and my confidence is still trying… For now all I can do is hope and pray. One day, I will be whole again.
© 2007 The Random Writings Of Me... Kates
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