I have Contradicted Myself

After thinking all night and today about my last blog entry I have to say I have contradicted myself. I said the only thing missing in my life was that someone special. Well I have a lot of special people in my life including ME! But the fact of the matter is, I am not ready to commit to someone as I one day hope to. My life is to complicated as it is. And where I plan on taking myself, well I just don't see a foreseeable relationship in the near future.
Many people have asked my recently where I see myself in 10 or 15 years, especially some of my teachers and my boss. The truth is, I see me, in my career, me only. And as selfish as that may be, I want to make the most of my life and that for me means a great career. So I apoligize for my contradiction. I have many special people that I care about and that is all I can really handle right now.
xoxo

As we come Upon a New Year

I must start this off with how grateful I am for the things that have come into my life in the past year. I have never been this happy as far as I can remember. A lot of people ask me what has changed. Well so much has changed. I have finally come to the realization that I am who I am, and god gave me a purpose in life. I am learning from my mistakes and believe me there have been quite a few. I lost a great relationship over my selfishness and my immaturity. I can't take all the blame, it takes two, but a lot of regret lays on my shoulder. I have learned to move past that and accept me for who I am. I am not perfect but I am proud of my accomplishments in my life in the last year.
Nothing can change the past, but I can not let it dictate who I am today. That was the hardest lesson I have learned. I have to accept the fact that I have a disease that will be with me for the rest of my life, and with that being said I can not let that dictate my life either. I am proud to stand for my convictions and will live the life I was meant to live. Someday, I will find that special person who can share that part of my life. In essence that is the only thing I am missing from my life today, but I have to believe that one day I will find that someone who will accept me, no questions asked.
So with the start of the new year I promise myself that I will work hard on the things that matter to me, there is a lot to be said for the interpersonal self. You can not love another until you love yourself.
Happy New year!
xoxo

Is it Over Yet?

So I finally made it home, after shoveling out my parents driveway. Thank goodness. All in all it was not so bad, we did have one day where it was just unbearable, but looking back I am glad I was with my family. We didn't end up going to my parents friends house for Christmas like we always do, we were snowed in.... :( But on the bright side of things my brother and I got my dad an XBox 360 (he has been asking for years) and we played that all day and night. I never knew it could be so much fun!
Now I am ready for the weather to warm up and to go on with life before this storm wreaked havoc. I hope the weather warms up, its supposed to but like the weather people out here know anything. I hope everyone else had a Merry Christmas and Santa brought them everything they wanted :) Now we have to new year, a whole new year...... :)
Happy Holidays!
xoxo

SNOWED IN!!!!!!!!!! (Originally posted12-24-2008)

I have lost track of the days.... I know it's Christmas Eve, but I have been stuck at my parents house now for five, count em..... five whole days! I can't take it anymore...... Tensions are building. We are running out of movies (the cable went out) It's not my idea of a wonderful vacation or holiday. What to do, besides pull my hair out. All gloves were off last night as the tension built around the house. There was crying and fighting... Not good. Everyone is just so sick of being couped up here, it's unbearable. I am going crazy..... Good thing we have lots of alcohol...... MMMMMMM yeah alcohol....... OK it's not that bad, it could be worse, but why does the weather have to be like this for so long...... It plain sucks!!!!!! What day is it again? O well. Everyone have a Merry Christmas. I will try to entertain myself for a while longer. But it's getting bad. Hopefully I will get out of here by this weekend! Pray for me. just kidding :) Can you see how stir crazy I am going I am not even making sense.
xoxo

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

The snow is falling and the Christmas songs are playing. All I can do to stop myself from smiling. I am so fortunate to have the life that I do. My brother got into town last night, right before the storm. I am waiting for my parents to pick me up and I am spending most of the week up there, mostly due to weather. But I am excited. We are decorating the tree today and with the snow falling it couldn't be more perfect. This year has brought on so many special surprises and there have been some downs, but I have to say it has to be one of the better years I have had in my life, and it can only get better from here. So for all of you who are in Portland right now, STAY SAFE! Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
xoxo

Damn Weather

It is like 25 degrees outside, with snow and ice on the ground...... Yes they are predicting more. My brother is coming into town on Friday and I am scared the weather is going to delay that.... Did I mention we are supposed to have an Ice storm on Sunday....... Damn weather.... The one thing I absolutely hate about living out here is the ice. At least in Colorado you had dry snow and you could drive in it because there was traction.... Not out here, there has to be ice, Oh how I hate the ice. There is no way you can drive in it, so I maxed it this morning, yes I did.... Let me tell you it was not fun, not only was it like 25 degree's but the wind chill made it feel like 7 degrees. So I had to walk seven blocks in freezing cold weather because it was to icy to drive my warm car. O well I did get a awesome pair of feathery boots, so all is good. Anyways for all of you who are enjoying warm weather, I envy you right about now. I have lived here for almost 4 years and I don't think it has ever been this cold. I moved from Denver to get away from this weather, and here I am freezing my ass off. O well. Life goes on and at least I have a warm place to come home to. Did I mention my boots?
xoxo

Is that a Spring in your Step?

The air is clear, The day is right, everything is going your way. Do you ever just have one of those days? When everything just feels right. You sing at the top of your lungs even though you can't carry a tune, you skip across the street even though you look completely stupid, you smile...... Yes you smile. What is there to smile about? Nothing, everything..... It's in the air... Maybe it's the holiday's, maybe it's just me, but for once nothing is getting me down. I have had many allergic reactions in the last two weeks (they are still going) but I don't care, I think it's funny.... not to funny, but funny. I have the stress of school and work, but I don't care.... There is absolutely a spring in my step. Nothing is getting in my way. It feels good to smile, I need to do it more often and lately in the last few months I can't seem to quit smiling. I have eliminated some negative energy in my life, and I feel so relieved, bad energy if you will, now surrounding myself with good energy. Nothing in particular happened, nothing comes to mind, but suddenly everything is just as is should be. Happy!
xoxo

Take 2 Apples and Call me in the Morning

For many of you who don't know I have one allergy and that would be apples. Weird I know, not peanuts, not fish, nothing else..... Just apples. You would be surprised at how many foods and fruit drinks have apples in them. You wouldn't think that because there is no advertisement about it, but many concentrates and smoothies have apple juice in them. So needless to say I always have to ask. I found out that by not asking it could get me in trouble, I found out the other day and now I'm paying.
The other day I was so hungry I had just got out of training that went to lunch, so it's safe to say that I was starving.... I am eating healthy and wanted something fast, so I go to the restaurant downstairs that sells chicken, rice bowls and things like that. I eat it so fast that I feel sick to my stomach. Well I was hungry what can I say? Anyways, apparently they started cooking their sauces and chicken in assorted fruit juices. There is a sign that specifically states that, but do you think I saw that? NO! So I eat there, later that afternoon my face has little red bumps and I am having a hard time sallowing, I think nothing of it, then Wednesday it gets worse, I literally have to spit out my food because I physically can't sallow. So I think I am coming down with strep throat, the funny thing is I feel OK. Well today I look like I have chicken pocks, all over my cheeks and neck..... Not good, I still can't sallow, but I am feeling fine. So I call my friend Mrs. Google and she tells me I am having an allergic reaction.... OH fricking GREAT! Why didn't I think of that? DUH, Katy..... So yeah one of my favorite places to eat now cooks their food in fruit juices, which unfortunately contains apple juice.... See what I mean. So right now I look like I have chicken pocks and I can't eat and it's Thanksgiving!!!!!! Just my luck! Moral of the story ALWAYS read the signs and NEVER assume that just because it's a food that you would NEVER think apples are in, well guess again....

Friend or Foe?

You meet people in your life that you think are true, genuine people, then you find out differently...... And that just sucks, people who are there for you at their convenience, friends when it's on their time, not yours. They juggle you around, thank you only sometimes, smile to your face, then talk behind your back. Friend or Foe? Then there are those people who think they are looking out for your best interest, but really only care about themselves...... Boss you around, try to control your well being, but really it's all in their game, their thoughts, not in your best interest. There is a difference between being rude and blunt, there is a difference between right and wrong.
Friends should be there to listen, not judge, care, not boss. And if you make a mistake oh well that's how you learn. Friends take time out when you really need them, they check on you when your in trouble and they don't get pissy if for some reason you are having a bad day.
Friendship should be an equal partnership, not a one sided affair. The sad thing is you really don't find out who your true friends are until you need them the most. When you find out that they are just not who you thought they were then distance is the only answer. When you finally come to that realization that the person is not genuine you are most likely already hurt, so put the distance there to cushion your fall.

UUUMMMM YEAH

So today was a great day, feeling good, a little stressed because I fucked around all weekend and didn't finish my video presentation that is due for my final on Tuesday. No problem I will do it tonight...... So I get off work, get to my car and shit I have a flat tire. Why of all days, does it have to be today, when I NEED to get home to finish my final. Well it did. So I had to call roadside assistance wait for like an hour 1/2 and hope that they could just fix my tire. My string of bad luck with things going out has been on a streak lately, first my TV went out and had to spend $500 for a new one, then my CD/DVD player won't open on my PC, now my frickin tire... What a joke :) So the guys FINALLY comes and he asks me for the key to my tires... I am like "what key?" He says "the key that unlocks your rims." I was like "I didn't even know I had a key"...... HHHHMMMM.... Yeah, so another 1/2 hour trying to find that, finally found it in my glove box. So he changes the tire. GREAT! So then I start driving and my alignment is all off. GREAT, just what I need to fuck up my alignment on my car. So I drag my ass to Les Schwab and tell them I need a new tire. So they look at it, and wouldn't you know my lovely dealership uses Les Schwab, soooooooo, not only did they fix it, they fixed it for FREE!!!!! Love it! So I get home and it takes my like 2 hours to do my video presentation because I am so critical of myself, I finally get it done..... What a day... Thank goodness it's over...

Friends

What is considered a friend? Some one who is there when you need them..... Why yes, that is my definition. But what about when it's only convenient for them, is that a true friend? I have gone through many friends in my life and maybe it' me, but I have a hard time trusting, again and again I seemed to get burned..... DO you see a pattern here? I do. Maybe I need to come to the realization that it is me, being to picky, not trusting enough, jumping to conclusions. That's me.... But if your only, no one can hurt but yourself. Isn't that the truth? It has been so long since I have had a good group of friends that I trust.... One of them is in Denver, so it's not like I can exactly go out and talk to her anytime I want. I crave that companionship of a good close girl friend, who I can go out with, cry too and just hang out. Since moving to Portland I have no been able to find that. Sure I have friends but no one that I feel I can completely confide in. O well, like I said maybe it's me. So why don't i get out there and do something about it..... No courage..... sad but true.

XOXO

Vote, Vote, Vote.

So I mailed in my ballot today and as a registered republican, the natural way would have to have voted for McCain, Well after giving it a lot of though, and I do mean deep thought I changed my vote and went for Obama. I mean it's time for a change for this country and I think Obama will be that positive change that we need. And I have to say I have absolutley no respect for Sarah Palin, I mean what was McCain thinking when he picked her? She is uneducated when it comes to big time politics. I am sick of her main campaign for the PTA and Hockey mom's. What oh what does that have to do with being a politician. There is a big chance that something may happen to either candidate when in office, McCain and his health and the possibility of Oboma being assassinated (because we still have some bigot assholes out there) So my choice was heavily weighed on the VP pick. Well when you think about it Biden is more qualified to handle being the big man rather than small time Palin being the BIG woman. This was a hard election for me and I had to really give it some deep thought and in the end I believe that I went for the one who will bring the most positive change. Now I have to say that I DO NOT agree with all of the democrats choices and votes, but on the other hand I also strongly agree with some very important issues that they stand for. When Obama came to town it was an all person event free of charge, great experience. Now when McCain came to town it was a sit down dinner at 2k a head. Now how is that working for the middle to lower class, how are YOU showing us that you will give us breaks and not just the rich. Set a very bad taste in my mouth that one did. In addition Mrs. Palin has to be coached on all her interviews and debates, why is that? Shouldn't she know what is going on in our country? Shouldn't she know enough to have her own opinion? No she doesn't because she has NO EXPERIENCE! I am glad she is a PTA mom and a family woman, and even a hockey mom, but I have news for you lady that will do nothing to solve our economy, our budget deficit, and our war on terror. So please go back to your ho dunk town and shut the F up. I am not interested in your coached views nor am I interested in your ignorant attitude. You have absolutley no business being a vice president of the United States of America! So people we need to see some change in our country, we are in a lot of trouble and no matter who you vote for, just get out there and do it. Let's hope the next four years are better than the last.

XOXO

My so Called Life

My so called life is an adventure, I live day by day, hoping for the best expecting the worst. I try, I try, but sometimes things just don't work out the way I want them too. Life as I know it is a complicated controversy. One day it's great, then something else hits me with a big bang and everything changes. I learn everyday, and try to grow from my mistakes. How many mistake are we allowed to make a difference? How many times can we loose the things that mean the most? Why does it hurt so bad when the bad is the bad? What makes us stronger? What makes us tick. Food for thought. My so called life is not ordinary, my struggles are no less than than the next, but why do I feel so alone? Is anyone out there? I know the answer to my own question. Everyone is out there, even though I feel alone I am not the only one with struggles in my life, I am not the only one suffering. At this very moment I am succeeding at so many things, but I lost something that meant so much, so I have to learn not to depend on something that will eventually go away. You find a rock, a person who makes you solid, pushed you to be the best you can be, then they decide to take a detour and not make the effort anymore. Things as they are and we live to the day. We take it one step at a time, one day at a time. We will get through it, we will survive. That is what is life os all about, one struggle after another and then growing from the experience, making the most of what we have and being grateful of what is. All you can do is cherish the moments that were once there, but a distant memory of the past, but my friend in order to move on we need to accept the past for what it is. We need to take those experiences and live the life that god gave us to live. There is a reason for everything that happens, we grow, we learn, we give and we take. Some more than others, some less than others. But we get through it. We learn to move on and we wait for those experiences that are around the corner. Someday, we will see what is waiting for us and we will grab it for all that it is worth. That is my so called life at the moment.

Life's Little Road Bumps

The truth of the matter is we don't alway get what we want, we don't always succeed at what we set out to do. We take a path that seems right and the time and ends up hurting us even more. We try to climb to new heights, then we fall. Sometimes we fall hard and it takes everything in us to pull ourselves up and try again. You give your heart to the task you set out to accomplish and all that happens is a broken soul. So what do you do? You get up and try again. Isn't that what life is all about, trying new things, climbing to new heights. Then why so many times do we seek what we are unable to seek? You set a goal you give it your all and then you fall. Sometimes we fall harder than other times, and sometimes we succeed. Then why oh why does it hurt so much when we fail? Why does it hurt to loose a battle you worked so hard for? When does the pain go away and when do you pick your self up.... One day, one week, maybe a year will go by when you finally decide to move on. But only you can decide to move on, only you can decide to pick up the pieces that broke your heart in the first place. Life is full of challenges, life is a rocky road, unfortunately it is a life we must live, a life we have to make the most out of. The hurt will come, as will the happiness. When you least expect it the mood will change and the stars will once again shine. The place you want to be will come into perspective and for once everything will make sense. But it may take sometime to get there, it may be a long road, but someday I have to believe that we will get there. I have to believe that my dreams will come true. Not just for me but also for you. One day at a time that is all I can handle right now, one day.....not two. I try to to look at what may or may not happen. I look to the future often, but I try not to envision what may or may not be. God has a plan for me and one day, maybe not today or next week or maybe not fr a year will I be where I want to be. There is someone out there waiting for me, waiting to see the accomplishments I am set out to accomplish. Maybe not today, nor tomrorrow, but some day, I will be as I was meant to be..... Me.

XOXO

Then Emotional Rollercoaster

So I saw my ex, and it was not what I expected. The wrath cam out and feeling diminished. I saw him in a new light, a light that said NO!. We are not what we once were and things have changes. I no longer felt the the chemistry that was once there, but for a moment wanted to sleep with him once last time. It did not happen which is good. We are going in different directions we have our lives to live and unfortunately he is not willing to wait, even though he pushed me in the direction that needed the push. Is that fair? I don't know. We are two different people and I will never be good enough for him. The realization came last night, the realization of reality. A star to be wished upon but that wish will never come true. Once again my heart has been broken, my feelings left to shambles. I will over some, it may just take some time. I write what I feel because there is no other outlet. My feelings are left on the table and one day, someday soon, I will pick up the pieces and move on. My heart will heal, my soul will be one. I wish him the bet, but hope he feels the pain that I do. Somehow I doubt that. Life will go on and so will I. But in the realm of things my heart is at a loss.
Much Love,
xoxo

What to Do

My ex is coming to town this weekend, and I am not entirely sure how I feel about that. Two things could potentially happen..... I am going to punch him in the face or I am going to give it to his charm. What to do..... I have the determination to let it be, but I am afraid that if I see him the feelings will coming flooding back at a unbelievable rate. We have plans to go to dinner and I want to keep it at that, no more. I have agreed to MEET him somewhere and then decide. What will I do. Only time will tell. I have come so far in getting over him and I am so mad that he has taken the trips to see everyone else, but me. If he really wanted to see me he could have... for goodness sakes it has been 3 months and he has made every effort to see his other friends, so I am a little pissed. What about me I want to scream, what about the promises he made to me? What about them???? out the window that what is going on. So only time will tell. Please give me the strength to say what I have to say, please give me the strength to walk away. Let me be strong for once in my life, let me go in the direction that I was meant to go. Time has started to heal my heart and I want to keep it that way. I want to continue to heal, I want to continue to be strong. So much in my life is going so well, and I do not need a distraction that will disturb that good vibe that is flowing through me. All is ask is for the courage to stand for my convictions to stand up to what is right, at least for me I leave you hanging. This is a test of what is to come, a test to see if I can stand up for myself. Please let me do the right thing for me. More to come and we shall see.

Much love,

XOXO

What the Fuck do you Stand For?

So the debates tonight posed an interesting concept. As a register republican I have to ask myself what is going on. Where is Palin going with her PTA and hockey mom image. Now I have to say she did better tonight than I thought, and a pride rised up in me to say you go girl, but really does she have to talk about her personal life so much? Were is the part that is going to help our falling economy, where is the part that is going to help out troops? We have to ask ourselves, if the running presidential candidate runs into bad health do we really want her as president? Let's face it he is not in the best of health and chances are something is going to happen to him in office, can we really deal with a governor that has virtually no experience in running and making big decisions in the world today? As I said before she surprised me that she actually has her head out of her ass and could answer the questions that came her way, but was that the best choice for a VP candidate? I guess we will see. My prediction is Obama will win the race, but were will we been then? None of them have experience, and I am so tired of hearing about PTA moms, and Hockey moms, Pow's and what is what. What the hell are we going to do to bail ourselves out of this mess that we are in? Who the hell is going to make a difference. Any thoughts? I am disgusted at the nominees that we have a choice of no experience, no agreement.... Are we not supposed to work together? Well maybe but it seems that is not the way of the political world. We are in a financial crises people, we need to get out of it. Maybe to rich people there is no worry but I worry every month how I am going to pay my rent. What the hell are you going to do about it? I don't give a damn if you are a PTA member or a hockey mom. I care about what the hell you are going to do to bail us out of this mess.

Ok my two cents.....

Your Mountain is waiting so get on your way

Sometimes you go out of your way to please people, especially the ones you love you never think about yourself, you try to do everything to make it work, you do all you can to make yourself a better person, but it's never enough. Nothing is good enough if it's not meant to be. So why not think of yourself? Why not do the things you know you need to better yourself? You try, you make the effort. The person made a difference in your life, made you achieve the goals you were meant to achieve and sure you are bettering yourself but in the mean time you scarified the one thing that meant the most to you, even though that person pushed you to be the best you can be. It's a catch twenty two. You make the effort you try your hardest, but it's never good enough and it never will be. Why because it wasn't meant to be. People grow apart they move on to bigger and better things and those bigger and better things shape us as person, but you still sacrificed the one that meant the most. But what can you do, what's meant to be is meant to be, but it doesn't make it hurt any less, it doesn't make the pain go away. The pain that hurts and for so long it's takes time to go away. How long does it take? How long before we realize that what may be good for you is standing right in front of your eyes, but you miss the opportunity because you are blind to what once was, but will never be again. Sure you keep in touch, but soon days turn into weeks, weeks into months, then eventually it's gone. You don't forget, but you move on. And so do they. That's the way the world works. You meet that person that makes an impact in your life and that's all it is an impact. The memories you share the times that once were, they are the times of the past, and someday, maybe not today but someday those dreams will be a distant memory, a memory that will always be in your heart, but distant non the less. The experiences we learn in life make us stronger they shape us into who we are. As Dr. Suess would say " your mountain is waiting so get on your way" Move .. about, life is a game of Russian Roulette, you take your chances, sometimes they work out, sometimes they don't. But we get through it, we somehow make it to the next day, so I will wave you with that thought, Go get your mountain it's waiting for you you can climb it, it may take a few times, but eventually you will get there.

Much Love,
xoxo

Out of Life out of Mind

Do you ever just have those days when one little thing pushes you over the edge, and you feel like you can't breath? Everything in your life is going so well, jobs are opening up, your getting good grades in school, social and personal life are OK to good, them BAM you get hit by a curve ball upside the head and everything is thrown out of whack...... You try to get back on base but it's to far to reach. Yeah it's been one of those weeks. A week when there isn't enough hours in the day to get accomplished what you need to get accomplished, sleep becomes a luxury, and eating is out of the question. By eating or sleeping you might miss something...... Feeling overloaded and out of control. Out of life Out of Mind, that's exactly what it is. Your existing but everything is happening to fast for you to even absorb it in, everything is a blur, surreal, life changing. You can't even remember what day it is let alone the hour. Someone please give me a reality check. Bring me back to the world and let me absorb it all in, time to think to get straight in my head what is actually happening and not what I am watching. That is exactly what I need.... a reality check.

No Name for this Blog, A letter, an addiction, a lost loved one

Sometimes we feel that we need to take the easy road, it just somehow seems simpler. We hope and we pray that tomorrow will bring a new day turn over a new leaf, turn your life around. Then it gets too hard and one day turns into weeks, then into months, and we find ourselves addicted. We can't get out of it, the alcohol, and the drugs become an escape from reality. The foreclosure on the house, the death of a spouse, turning off your phone, having your family and friends turn away from you. The only reality is getting high, getting drunk and at least for a while all the pain goes away. Then you wake up and it all comes crashing down, and you start the cycle all over again.
Your selfish, thinking your the only one in pain, you forget about the one's that care, we all lost some one that we loved, someone close to our hearts. You are too high to even notice that the people around you exist. You forget that they love and care about you. The feeling of getting high takes away all the pain, it makes you forget, you wake up everyday doing the same thing, downing the liquor, taking the pills.... forgetting, forgetting.
Life just got too hard dammit, at least that is your excuse, life isn't worth living at least that is what you tell yourself. Did you forget about the ones that care? The ones that love you? Could you honestly be so god damn selfish that you can't even think about your kids, your brother, your grandchild, your friends?
What in life made you choose this path and why can't you see the pain we are all in because of you? You who used to be my Aunt, you who helped raise me, you who were there through every cut, every pain, heartache and thrill. Where did you go? What happened to you?
I know this seems like it is the easy way out, I know it's seems to solve all of your problems, at least for the time being. I know it's easier to take a drink or pop a pill to make it go away, trust me I know. I also know that there are people who care, just like people care about you.
But doing this, wasting away, taking your life before it's your time, living for the dead, not seeing the present, wasting your days drinking, slowing, slowing wasting away. Your body so frail and thin, your eyes so void of reality, your touch, the touch of a skeleton, you exist, but your are not living. I know it's hard I know your in pain, but this is not the way to solve it, this is not the way to happiness, if you shall ever see the day. The way you are going now, that day will never come.
I want the person I had some much love for back, I want the person who I grew up with. The memories, the good times. Yes it is true we lost someone we love and it will never be the same, but we all lost him, we are all hurting. Not just you. Sometimes I think about my uncle and remember him the way he was, always taking care of us, always watching out, that is the way I want to remember him, that is the way I still see him.
Don't you think he is watching down on you now? Do you really think he would want this of you? What about Grandma, do you think she would want her only daughter to go out like this? What about your children, your grandchild. What about them? WHAT ABOUT THEM?
We all go through hard times and each of us deal with it in different ways, but you choose to waste away, all for something, something you can never get back if your not sober enough to see the truth.
Drinking and drugs are not the answer, they will ruin you, they are ruining you. This is the easy way out, the easy way to cope, the easy way to forget about the truth, but the truth will be there when you sober up, it will be there when you finally realize that's it's not all about you. We have lost someone we loved very dearly, please don't let us loose someone else we love. You have so much to live for. you have so much in life that is still out there waiting, please don't give that up for a bottle of liquor and a bottle of pills.

When Life Changes

Sometimes I sit and wonder where did all the time go? Before I could even take a breath I turned 27 and it seems like one change after another is taking place. Friends I once loved are no longer there, people are moving away, getting married, having babies, moving on. Yes I think that what that is........ Moving on. Where did the time go and where did I leave off?
Often times I dream about the past thinking of what might have been, if I had stayed in Denver or if I had done this or acted this way. Would it have changed anything? Would my life have been better?
I have pondered this question many times and I have to say no. I believe that there is a path set for you and people come and go in and out of our lives to help us grow, to help us learn and they impact us in a way that was set out to happen.
Many times I wonder why me? But I am just being unrealistic. I have it good and have made some incredible changes in my life in the last six months.
I still wonder where the time has gone and often forget that nothing will ever stay the same no matter how hard you pray or hope for it.
Life changes and so do we. I am a completely different person than I was six months ago, there has been some hard lessons learned and I know I will only grow from here. I lost some good friends along the way, but have also made some great new ones.
I know six months may not sound like a lot but in my world everything has changed, from my job, to my schooling, to my living situation, my personal relationships to my integrity. I feel like I have gained my independence back, I have not felt that way in a long time.
Everything I am doing right now is for me........ It's all about change. Positive change.

Sorry for being so insightful on this post, but I felt the need to write.

xoxo

After Every Storm there is a Rainbow

So you have a bad day, you think when will it ever end, and then it does.

Tonight was the final night of my English class and I submitted a few pieces of writing for the literary Journal at school. I OFFICIALLY found out tonight I am going to be published. My teacher had hinted it a few weeks ago, but officially gave me my acceptance tonight.

I am so happy I cried. One of my pieces is getting published for sure the other is still under discussion, but I submitted four pieces and one was picked and the other is a strong maybe, I will find out for sure tomorrow, there were over 400 submissions.

My English teacher also told me what an incredible writer I am and that I am going to make it as a writer, I have the content down and I have the heart, experience, and deep emotions it takes to get there. I have never in my life had a compliment given to me that meant so much or that has so much impact on my writing.

I have a few things to work on as far as grammatical, but he said he will work with me on that to become a better writer. That is all stuff I can learn, I have what it takes inside.

So I had to share, I am bouncing off the walls. I AM GETTING PUBLISHED!!!!!! Yes I have to rub it in just a little :)

xoxo

So you had a Bad Day

Everyone has bad days, and when I have a bad day it’s a bad day.
Spring is supposed to be here, I am moving and doing great in school and work, but I just can’t seem to shake this feeling off. So many good things are happening, yet i feel like absolute crap.

I am not trying to complain, just vent. I need a vacation, far far away. School is good but it has me so stressed, I have to wonder am I taking on to much? Maybe it’s just the weather, once the rain stops and the temperature warms up and the sun shows its face more I will feel better, as for now I just want to curl up and sleep until then.

Mondays are always hard for me, and maybe it’s because I have back to back classes this week or I am turning 27 on Thursday, maybe it’s because I am starting to realize who my real friends are. I have no idea but I want to get out of here, and say fuck responsibilities.......

Yeah it has been a bad day. Nothing is what it seems and it seems like I am walking through the motions of a day, if that makes any sense. I am here, but I am not. Today seems so surreal. Nothing extraordinary happened, nothing set me off at least not today.

But today, I am not myself, I am anxious, I am nervous and I am sad......
It’s a bad day...........

It's my business Saty the F Out

Awe friends who care are not a bad thing, but don’t tell me how to live my life, it is my life and I do what I want. If I make a mistake that is how I learn.

I understand that some people may not agree with some of my decisions in life, but when you don’t know the whole story or I keep it to myself, that means I don’t care what you or anyone else thinks.

I love my friends and I know they are looking out for me, but I am a big girl and I know right from wrong, I know how I feel and I know what is going on in my life, and I choose to go the route I want.

So please if I choose to keep the subject at hand quiet that means I am not looking for advice nor am I looking for your opinion on the matter.

If you choose not to see the entire picture but only what you want to see that is your choice. You can judge all you want and think what ever you want, I don’t care.

I am not trying to stir the pot here with anyone, but am frustrated at the situation at hand, and I feel that my business is my business and no one has the right to tell me what do do, or that they no longer want anything to do with it when I haven’t brought you into the current situation.

Thank you for being there in the past and than you for being there now. Like I said I love my friends dearly and I have no idea what I would do without them, but some things I want to keep to myself.

Never Forget

Life is full of changes, and sometimes we have to go with the flow. Change can always be hard and it can be harder when the change is about someone you care about.
My advice, Never forget.

Never forget the good times that were shared, the memories that have been created and the times that are priceless that only you and that other person will never forget.

Never forget the bad, the times you said or did something you wish you hadn’t, the mistakes that you can never take back and will always be in the memories of both of you.

Never forget what a true friend is, someone who is there when no one else is, never forget that person because one day that person could be gone.

Never forget.........
One day it might be to late to say the things you wish you could have said.

Overload

Do you ever why things happen? They always happen for a reason, weather it be good or bad. Things do happen to make you wake up, and sometimes those things are not good.

Life for me took a turn for the worst this weekend and it was a wake up call. I am not saying that that the bad will continue, but it makes you into a different person.

There are certain people who bring you down no matter how much they care for you or how much you care for them, they are circumstances that change you forever.

I guess what I am trying to say is that life is precious and no matter what is happening in your life it will never be perfect, and you can't make it perfect. Things will come and they will go.

YOU HAVE TO LIVE YOUR LIFE AS IF EVERYDAY IS YOUR LAST.
You never know when it will end. Life is never a guarantee and there is nothing you can do about it.

To say you are happy, things will change, to say you are sad, things will change. You have to ask yourself one question, will this matter a year from now?
Probably not.

Sometimes life can overload you and only you can take control, only you can realax.

I will leave this blog on this note.

xoxo

Delusional

Have you ever been tired, so tired that sleep is considered a luxury? Being a full time student and working full time, sleep and food have become something of a non-necessity for me, well they should not be, but if I have to choose between doing my homework and sleeping, I choose homework, and at work, I get so busy I forget to eat. I know my body is being worn down, but hey, I have a little less than 2 years to finish school and so far, I have a 4.0 average.
I take the max most mornings to work and usually catch up on sleep, or homework. Last week I was so tired that I decided to sleep. I hear over the intercom that the next stop is the Convention Center, so I think to myself, a few more stops to go and catch a few more moments of sleep. SWEET! Next thing I know I wake up in a tunnel and in BEAVERTON!!!!!! I look back and everyone is gone, I am the only one left on the Max. I look at my phone to see what time it is and it is almost 8:15, I have to be to work at 7:30. Oh Shit!
I start freaking out, of course. First off, I have no idea where I am and second I am so late to work, and no one knows where I am. My phone starts ringing, it is one of my bosses, I explain what happened, and she starts laughing. Then I call my mom and she starts laughing. Looking back it was damn funny.
I get off the Max, wait for the next one to come, and then go back to downtown, so far so good. I get off at Pioneer Square, which I have walked to many times, Nordstrom’s, Macy’s and Victoria Secret are all up there, so I know I am not far. I see Qudoba, a restaurant that I have walked to many times; ok I know where I am. Therefore, I start walking, IN THE WRONG DIRECTION! I was so disoriented and tired that I ended up walking in the complete opposite direction. I call Didi, I tell her I am lost, she can tell I am getting upset. Breath she tells me “remember don’t sweat the small stuff and this is small stuff.” (a book everyone got me because I tend to sweat the small stuff). She asks me where I am and I give her the cross streets, she asks me, how the heck did you get there, I told I just started walking. I was so far away from work it was not even funny. I was looking frantically for the tall pink building in which I work. I could not even see it. Didi tells me to find Burnside and walk North, I had to ask people where Burnside was, and of course, they looked at me weird. I do not look like a tourist; it is obvious that I worked downtown. How is it possible that I could get that lost? I even got off at a stop that I recognized, and had been too many time. Well as one of my friends tells me, I get lost in a paper bag, which is true.
Finally, I made it to work, I walked about thirty blocks that day, and I definitely got my exercise. As I walked in the door, everyone asked how my nap was and they all laughed. At the time, it was not so funny, but it is so funny. This would only happen to me, only I could ride the max, fall asleep, wake up 40 minutes after my stop, and then get lost in a city in which I work.
After this fiasco, I decided that this was never going to happen again. I got phone with a GPS and a navigation system that talks to me, and not matter how tired I am, I WILL NEVER SLEEP ON THE MAX AGAIN!!
LESSON LEARNED!

The Rainbow

You know that saying when it rains it pours, but there is always a rainbow at the end of the storm.
Lately things have been good, then bad, then really bad, now they went to fantasitic.

First I found a condo to rent from one of my co-workers, so yes I am moving, and I am living by myself. I look at the condo on Monday, and hopefully everything will go through as planned!

Next, I finally got the phone I wanted, ok, I know not so exciting, but I had the worst phone before and was ready to throw it against the wall. Yes I hated it! So I went and got a Blackberry Pearl...... and oh I love it!!! I have everything I need right on my phone.

Third I have narrowed down a few pieces I am summiting to my colleges new paper, and I am still a little nervous about it, but am excited at the same time...

So yes, this week has been great, except for the fact that I had a root canal and it hurts like hell, it had a really bad infection so I have had to go to my dentist about 5 times in the last three weeks, but let me tell you the Nitrous is wonderful :)

So it has been a good week to say the least. I am so excited about moving and my writing.

See there is a rainbow after every storm :)
xoxo

Why we say the things we do

Why we say the things we do?

Over emotional stress, anger and selfness. Words come out of your mouth that you don't always mean and can end up hurting people that we don't mean to hurt.

Why? Are we trying to get a reaction, are we trying to say something deep inside that we may or may not feel?

Does it ever make sense?
Most of the time not.

Can it change everything?
Absolutely.

Can you take it back?
Unfortunately not.

Pick your battles, pick them wisely, don't hurt the ones that care, and push away the ones you love.

The things you say can change the entire element of a friendship.

xoxo

When Will it End?

Why waste your tears? Why cry? Why let the pain tear at you inside? Life is what we make of it, and I wish to more extent I had control over my emotions.
Why did god give me this disorder that I have to struggle with everyday of my life? How many times in a day do I have to say "it's not fair?" How many relationships, friendships am I going to lose because I can't deal with the real world?
I struggle on a daily basis and try to keep up with my life, it is getting to hard. It is getting to the point that I feel it is not worth fighting for anymore.
When a person whom you care a great deal about tells you that you are incapable of friendship and treating others well I have to wonder is this how I really am? Am I such a horrible person that I am incapable of friendship and love?
I have others tell me I have so much going for me and to focus on the good not the bad, that I am a strong person, but how well do they really know me? How much do they really care? When you have people whom you love and trust tell you things that hurt you, they are the ones that know, isn't it the truth?
For the most part I try to stay positive, however it is so hard sometimes when I feel like my world is crashing for no reason. In reality there is nothing wrong, but in my mind something is not right.
It's a constant struggle and battle. When is enough, enough? When do you let go? When do you say life has not been good and it's time to move on?
Dark thoughts I know, A lot of tears.
I am in no way perfect, I need to control my words when I get emotional, I need to learn to live, but I also need help. When a person who was your support system gives up on you it can crush you.
My mind is fuzzy and my heart is crushed, there is not a damn thing I can do about it except cry. Yes I am crying, I am feeling bad, it's not fair. There I said it..... Yes, I am feeling sorry for myself. Writing is my biggest outlet and thats why I am writing this.
My only question is when? When does it all end?

Everything Happens for a Reason

Weeks come and go, you go to work, you go to school or do whatever it is you do on a daily basis. Good things happen, bad too. Things look great, sometimes not so great. I have to say that the year 2007 was the most exhausting year, so many changes took place in my life. I applied for my ideal job, which I didn't get, started back to school and then got a job that I wasn't to sure about but ended up loving.
My personal life has been just as exhausting. I have dealt with issues that I have never dealt with before and have to come to accept them as part of my past. I have discovered the two things that make me happy on a personal level (reading and writing) and am working on my first book.

I have a person in my life that has been behind me all the way, through the ups and downs (and believe me there have been some downs) but that person has been there, and still is. I have met some great friends that I wouldn't exchange for anyone else.
It has been one hell of a ride. Finally it is coming all together. My past is my past, my future is bright, and I have all the support and love that I could ever ask for.

2008 is going to be great, it is the beginning, the beginning to a new chapter that I am so grateful to start, the last I am ready to end.

Everything happens to us for some reason or another, you meet people who make a hugh impact on your life, they touch you in ways that are unforgettable, they leave a mark on your heart that will never go away.

This last week has been especially hard for me, my boss lost his job and for a minute I thought my job was in limbo too. It was such a shock to see him go and nothing has ever affected me like this before. I admired my boss and looked up to him a great deal. It was a hard time. I did benefit from the situation, in the sense that my responsibilities went up and my job became more essential, however at that price I am not sure how I feel about it.

One thing I have learned is that life goes on, business as usual, the world still turns, the clock still ticks and the days become nights. It is life, everything happens for a reason.

Life is funny like that, it happens, but people still go about there daily lives.
Make it count, your life that is.

Save your tears, share your smiles and lean on the ones that will be there.

Everything happens for a reason.

xoxo