Alone

I sit alone, night after night,convincing myself that I have to study and that I am absorbed in work. But the truth is I am alone. I have friends but I find reasons not to see them, or they turn out to be psycho. One or the other. The ones I care about hurt me and I have to cut them out of my life instead of letting them know that they hurt me. But isn't that the best way? Push everyone away so you don't get hurt? That's how I have been for the last 4 years. I had a few good friends in there at one time, but in one way or another they hurt me. One in particular. Just recently I wrote a paper on this person and how they have inspired me, but it was just a dream, more like how I wished they had inspired me. I live in a fantasy land, wanting what I can't have, wishing I had more. People tell me I have such potential that I am going places, that I am so smart,and pretty. So why can't I see that? Why can't I be that person that so many people see? What I have done to be hurt so many times that I am numb to the pain, that I can just cut someone off and not even think about it anymore? I have become someone that I never wanted to be. alone. Alone to the world and to myself. I don't know the meaning of true friendship anymore, I don't know what it's like to have someone to talk to about my feelings and I don't know who to go to when I am scared. Alone.... thats what I am

To Me

You meet someone you date pretty seriously for about 2 years then they move, and you are crushed. They helped you through a few hard spots in your life and were your best friend for a long time. Then they get a great job offer somewhere south and off they go. You cry, you feel miserable, but day by day the pain eases and you move back into the real world. You even start dating again. Wow it seems as if you are finally moving on. Wait...... just kidding...... That person won't stop calling you and now all the sudden it's I love you and I miss you and I hate it here where I live. They keep coming back and back and BACK.... the cycle is never ending. They pull you along, enough to make you just not get over them and then they say stuff that makes you think..... One Day Maybe.....Then they tell you the weekend they are supposed to come out to visit (a visit that you two have had planned for a long time) that they are dating someone.... Again you are crushed..... But you get over it. You move on, you even meet someone yourself. Then once again, guess what...... THEY'RE BACK!!!!!! The same old shit. No longer dating someone, missing you, missing Portland, missing everything that they can no longer have. So what do you do? Isn't enough, enough.... How much longer can you take this bullshit, this leading by a leash, the maybe's the I don't knows, the I love u one day and the next I am out.... WHAT THE FUCK EVER. You should be over it, how much heartbreak can one person take? I'll tell you, enough that you'll still keep putting up with it. Until you put a stop to it, it's going to continue. ON and ON and ON. When one person cannot make up their mind the other person suffers for it, of course they are stupid for sticking around long enough to deal with it. But what ever. I guess you'll never get over it until your ready and that just may mean to push that person out of your life, maybe not forever but for a while. Give your heart some time to heal. Move on......
Food for thought.

Fast Lane

At this very moment in time I don't think I have ever been this stressed out in my life. I am moving this weekend, I have a class that is incredibly hard I have a new class I was accepted into on Monday nights (kinda a psychology class) and I have been up every night until 12am just to get my homework done. Midnight might not seem late to you but I get up at 3:30am to be to work at 5, so midnight is very late for me. I try to sleep on my lunch breaks, and that's most of the sleep I get. I write because I feel like I can't talk to anyone about this, they just don't understand. But my life just might run over me right now. I do not think I can keep up. At the rate I am going I am going to go off the deep end. Then there is that small problem I am having wit my meds. They are making my body out of whack. So there is a possibility I may have to go off of them. That would not be good. I wouldn't be able to work or finish school....... SCARY THOUGHT! I still don't feel better after writing this, but I am sure a bottle of jack and a bunch of sleeping pills will clear it up for tonight. Good Thought!

Your Opinion Please

So I have a friend who will go nameless, for privacy reasons, but my friend is confused. You see he met a girl about a year ago and they kinda had a thing going on, but this girl has so much drama and shit going on in her life he decided that he didn't need that in his life right now. Not to mention the girl was much younger, still into the whole party till 4am every night kinda thing, anyways you get my point. As my friend tells me the sex was great, but not enough to put up with all the bullshit, so he distanced himself from her. Let me say one other thing, she was famous for calling at all hours of the night, 12, 2, even 4 am, very annoying.
So a year goes by and they run into each other again, she tells him the drama is not as bad and she seems interested again. (she was very interested before until my friend cut her off) So he thinks why not? Maybe she has changed after all it's been a year, a lot can change in a year. Yeah not really in my opinion. They had the one fun night and now it's back to the same old shit. Calling at all hours of the night (booty call I suspect) luckily he doesn't answer.(who is up that late, I mean really?) Drama is still there, no ex drama but some other drama that is pretty serious. OK so can you handle that? Maybe if the person called when they said they were going to call and maybe if they made time for him other than at 1230 at night. Maybe just maybe...... My advice..... FORGET HER! It is quite obvious she has not changed and my friend is a really nice guy, good looking and has a lot going for himself. Why should he waste his time on her? It quite obvious in my mind that partying is all she cares about, of course she is young. I partied when I was young so did my friend, in fact we partied together, many times. But my thing is if you really like someone would you not make time for them other than 3 in the morning? Would you not want to hang out when your not working.... If you not to hungover that is. Maybe I am jumping the gun here, but I don't want to see my friend get hurt.
We all have things going on in our life some more serious than others, but wouldn't you want someone to lean on if that be the case? Maybe this person is a really good person and wants to help. But maybe to this other person it's not what they want in their life right now. Who knows. But I did tell my friend that if this shit keeps up MOVE ON! who cares how good the sex is, you can always find it with someone who actually cares. Now please what is your opinion?

You be the Judge

Do you ever wake up and think this is the first day of your life..... or the last? Do you ever dream of the future and wonder what might be? Does one thing change your whole perspective on life. You thought about something you didn't want and all the sudden it turned into something different. Suddenly you have feelings about something, something so unreal. You are at the wrong place at the right time, or maybe the right place. In any event it's something that took you by surprise. Something that knocked you out of whack. What do you have to say about it? Nothing, why because it's there. It's already out there and there is no turning back, Life is so surreal sometimes, you never know the ball it's going to throw your way. You have decisions you have to make, you have a path you have to take. Who knows if it's right or wrong, you learn. You get hurt. You move on. But the curve balls they can be so intense and how do you know how to hit them. Life. you take it for what it is and live it for what it's worth. but in the mean time how do you cope? How do you know the unknown? you don't you just keep moving.
xoxo

Change

We all hate change yet it is an inevitable part of life. As we grow we change, as we learn we change, we change through our relationships, friendships, sorrows, happiness and everything else. Yet why do we resist it so much? Most of the time the change is for the better. Yes we were in a relationship that was great that ended, so why can't that be the door to something even better? Yes maybe our job description changed a little bit, but isn't that an opportunity to learn new things? OK so my class schedule changed - Oh well it's just on a different night. Things change constantly and if we don't go with the flow we will fall behind. It is hard however to tell the ones we love we things are changing especially if it effects them. But in the long run you have to do what is right for you. Life is full of surprises and change, sometimes those changes are surprises in disguise. I am just going to leave it at that.

Entitlement

I have posted a couple of very irate blogs in the last few weeks, there has been some hard core drama going on at work, which unfortunately I happen to be right smack in the middle of. I am not going to name names, those of you who really know what is going on know the truth. But my question is, if the drama that is happening is not work related why should it be brought into the workplace? It should not, period, end of story. Awe but that is not the case in this story. My boss and I had a one on one this morning and he brought up the fact that I was involved in some personal problems at work..... OK I KNOW WHO!!!!!!! Why this was escalated to my manager level is beyond me, but it was and I had to tell my boss everything. For those of you who don't know I am an executive asst. to the Chief Credit Officer of the SBLC. Trust me I did not want to involve him, but because of this persons actions I was forced to tell the tale (which had ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with work!) So here I am in a conference room trying to not let the tears start to flow and explaining to him a situation that did not need to come to this level. This person said things that could jepordize my job, how this person knew is beyond me. I sure as hell would never say anything about what goes on behind closed doors. I love my job way to much!
So my second question is this, what gives the right to someone to bring up information to slander the other, is this a sense of entitlement? Do they feel that they can just go around and ruin people's lives? For retaliation maybe? Even after I stuck up to her in regards to the information that I was involved in, and it did not really end on a good note, she proceeded to tell me what I said and that basically I was lying, hell she almost had me convinced I was lying. But I stood my ground, because I know what I said and I know what I did not say. Well she did not like that to much and eventually it came to this, going to my boss about a problem that did not need to be brought into the workplace. It has gotten way out of hand..... And I am scared. Am I going to loose my job because of some crazy bullshit that this person said? She literally put a question in all my managers mind about my trust. What gives people this right? What makes them decide... "oh by the way I am going to ruin your life today". I just don't get it. Can someone please explain this to me? What fucking sense of entitlement does that give you? YOU FUCKING BITCH! Are you really happy with yourself.... most likely you are because you think you are going to get your way this time.... Not this time honey I will fight this with all my heart and no matter what I have to do to get my managers trust back I will do it. I am not bowing down to you and your selfish, childish ways. You can literally GO TO HE:LL! If you ever have an inkling that our friendship might be one day, think again.I will NEVER be your friend again, I don't even want to act civil to you at work. I want to fucking punch you and ask what the hell gives you this right..... But I am not going to stoop to your level. I am going to be an adult about this and I am going to move on. This is going to get ugly in the next few weeks and I don't know the outcome, but I will say this again, I will fight for my job, my integrity and I will earn the trust back of my team. You can do whatever you want to make yourself feel better, go right ahead. You watch and see one day this is going to come back to you, one day you are going to tell one to many lies and IT WILL come back to you. You tell so many lies now you don't even know what the truth is. So good luck with everything in your life, good luck, because one day you will be alone and I won't.

And we Move On

After the dramatic week I have had I am happy to say IT'S OVER! My gosh it most emotional and ridiculous! But non the less I have learned from it and feel that a large piece of whatever has been lifted off my chest. It's funny how you find out who your true friends are when things get really bad! You become closer to those you were played against and learn to keep your mouth shut.
Today was great, I actually got to sleep in (I had school last night), I had a short day and found out I am going to be doing several project with HR, the area I eventually want to go into. So for all the bad that happened this week it ended off on a really good note! So Happy Friday
XOXO

Right and Wrong

Everyone should know the difference between right and wrong, left and right, up and down, you get my point. Some people have no concept of the matter, and do what is wrong when they think it's right, and much to our dismay it causes more pain, or hurt. Even when it is clear that person is wrong and they still insist they are right and it's clear one person is hurt, no one wins, except the person who is in control. What they see is not what the rest of us see, and what they think is not logical. Sure it may be logical in their mind, but in simple minds it's not. There is a fine line between doing what is right and when you do something that is right it's a good feeling. But there are others out there, that have no concept of right. They go through their motions of always having to be right, inflicting pain on others and never taking blame when clearly they are in the wrong. And when that person takes it a step further to tell others what the destruction is, that's not right either. But we live and we learn. Most of us learn the difference between right and wrong early on in life and we grasp the concept well, while others either choose to not believe or choose to take a path that leads them to wrong. It's very simple. Keep your business to yourself, keep others business to yourself. ALWAYS follow the golden rule. Do unto yourself as you would to others. Remember life is short and by taking the way that is not right is only going to get you no where eventually. It can't make you feel good about yourself, and it can't make you a good person. But by doing what is right by others will only win you points. Think about it.
xoxo

Un Fucking Believable!

Everyone has that someone in their life that is controlling, domineering and just out right gossipy. That person who tells everyone and I mean EVERYONE'S business including your own. That person who always has to control a conversation and be in control of the friendship regardless. When they loose control, they find a way to regain it through drastic measures. OK, maybe not everyone knows some one like this, but I have had the pleasure of knowing someone like this for the last year, and finally everything came to a head. It's OVER! the domineering attitude, the I ALWAYS AM RIGHT NO MATTER WHAT, the pointing out of all the flaws that I might have, the Control, OH GOD THE CONTROL!!!!!! friendship should NEVER be like this! Friendship is something you cherish, something that you hold close to your heart. When you tell a friend something that is personal, you expect that that person will keep it to themselves, and when you find out to late that is not the case, it's devastating... I finally had the courage to stick up for myself in this situation and let me tell you it has been no picnic, and I still don't know what the repercussions are going to be. But I know that what I did was right and I feel good about it. I don't deserve any of that, and neither does anyone else. You should never be in a situation like that. It's not fair, and when the person plays the victim you just feel sick to your stomach. Because you know how fake that person is. All I am saying is be careful you might be next. Watch what you say, your business may already be out there. Just think about it for a minute and you might realize what I am saying is true. I found out to late.
On that note. I feel much better, I am no longer in a controlling relationship that is dictating my life. I know this person will seek some type of revenge, but I have taken the right way out and as long as I know what I did was right that's all that matters.
xoxo

The Shack

I am not sure how a lot of you feel about religion. I myself am a believer and have been for quite some time, but I won't go into my story. I will however tell you about the book I just read "The Shack". It was one of the most emotional, eye opening books I have ever read and it confirmed my faith even more. If you are going to read a book read this book, even if you are not a believer. It gives a perspective on religion that I myself have never experienced. The theme in the book is pretty complex, although you don't have to know the bible or God to relate to it, You just have to be human. The Shack dives into a lot of questions I have in life, and I am sure a lot of you have as well. It gives a spin on how things should be (this is not religiously speaking). I don't want to give away the book, I think you should read it right now, it took me only 5 hours! But to give you an understanding it's about a family who's daughter is abducted by a serial killer. The father deals with issues in relation to God and good vs evil and such. Then the book focuses on God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit, it goes into a whole new prescriptive of what God thinks and feels about human kind.
I know this may not appeal to some of you, but if you do decide to read the book I guarantee you will not be disappointed. It is about religion, but in a way that is not common knowledge. So that's why I say even if you are a non believer this is a good book. It defiantly changed the way I look at things. You can go to http://www.theshackbook.com to find out a little bit more and then decide if you want to read it. I highly recommend it. And for those of you that know me well know I am a total book worm, and would never tell you to read a book I didn't think was worthy, let alone blog about it. In fact this is the first book I have blogged about, so it must be worthy. READ IT!
Again find it at http://www.theshackbook.com
xoxo

Love Actually

What is love? Is it really something you truly feel, an emotion that just passes the time with the person your with. When do you truly know you love someone. There is a difference between being in love and loving someone. Are you willing to give up everything for that person? Do you compromise yourself for that person? It is a one sided lane? To many things to think about, but I have thought about them a lot in the last few weeks. I don't know if I have ever been in love, true deep love. I have loved people and I have had deep intense feelings for people, but to love someone so whole heartily that I would give anything for them, I don't think I have experienced that yet.
I believe that there is one person out there for you, waiting somewhere in this big crazy world, and maybe I'll know it when I see it, but I have never experienced Love actually. This is kinda a sad thing at my age. I have thought I have been in love, true love, but then I realized that love doesn't make you hurt in certain ways. After the relationship ends I look at things objectively and know in my heart it was not true love. There is that song "Love Hurts" which can be true for some that are naive. How can you love someone who inflicts pain on your heart, plays with your emotions and screws with your mind. Some people do, and they put up with a lot of crap form their significant other. Is that Love? Maybe, I don't know I have never experienced it.
Sure I have put up with a lot of crap particularly from one ex of mine, but I was never in love with him, and I told him, he moved out soon after..... After being in so many relationships I have to put in my 2 cents. I have been out there, it's not like I have been single my whole life, in fact at this time this is the longest I have ever been single. But I have learned a lot about myself in that time. I know what I want and am not willing to settle for anything less as I did in the past. When I find love I want it to be forever and not just some convenience that is taking up both our times.
So speaking in love terms I don't know that much, I just hope that when it happens I will know it and appreciate it and not take it for granted as so many do.
xoxo

So It Goes

Once you say something you can't just take it back, the words are always out there, no matter how you spin the come off you already put those words into play.When someone tells you something great and makes you feel like you are on top of the world it's a great feeling, but then they take it back. Like they didn't mean to say all those wonderful things to you and then act like a complete jerk. What to make of this? Words can go a long way, so can emotions and when people play with your emotions it's not a good thing.
The way I see it is they have to get their kicks somehow and then making you feel like shit is the only way they feel they have the power. I have written about power in people and how they can abuse that power, now I am talking about words.
Words can mean everything, one word can make your day, it can also break your day. One word can mean everything, and take away everything. Words are a powerful thing and some may not look to deeply into this.
I on the other hand have a great memory and remember many words spoken to me, lately it seems the words are more broken than promising. How can you just take back something that can mean so much and treat it like nothing, how can you live with yourself and your games? It must be shitty being you, because you have no feelings or remorse for what you say or do. It's never a straight talk with you, it's always yes, then no, maybe, I don't know. You are all gray and I mean that in the worst sense you could possibly take it.
I have absolutley no more patience for you or your games. So go play them on someone else. You don't realize how much pain you inflict with your condensing words, but than again it's really no concern for you, you have no heart. Plain and simple.
Words mean a lot to a lot of people, be careful of your choice of words for one day they may hurt someone more than you know, they may already have.
xoxo

Drunken Mess

You always have that one person in the crowd that can not handle their alcohol, the one who gets to emotional, wants to fight, or just plain doesn't know when to stop.Yup there is one in every situation, not group, just situation.
I have been one of those drunks, shamed to say, but I think we have all been there at one time or another. But when you reach a certain age, you should be able to say enough is enough. If you are one of those people that likes to cause drama when drinking, seriously grow up. We are all adults here. Now I can attest to the fact that alcohol intensifies your feelings, I even had a guy tell me he loved me while drunk, but leave all the caddy bullshit at home.
For one you are not smarter when you are drunk, your certainly not stronger when your drunk and when your friends embarrassingly pull you out of the bar.....Honey go home. Drinking more and crying more are not going to make you feel better tomorrow. In fact I can pretty much guarantee your going to wake up and think "what the fuck did I do last night?" And then your going to feel pretty shitty. So learn a lesson, when your vision starts to blur and you start doing the bobbling thing, then your emotions suddenly come pouring out, it's a sign! STOP DRINKING AND GO HOME!!!!!!!! Do not let it fester into a clusterfuck of a night that your friends have to pick up behind you. Grow up, learn your limits and tame your drama, trust me it's better for everyone!
xoxo

Everything Happens for A Reason

You work to pay the bills, you go to school to get ahead in life, and then it all comes crumbling down. I have a belief that everything and I do mean everything happens for a reason. You messed up that relationship because it was practice for the big one, the one that will count one day. You go to school to better yourself so one day, you'll have to job of your dreams. You work really hard and even though your company screws you, you work harder because one day you'll get ahead. You miss the bus one day and guess what it breaks down that afternoon (thank god you drove). You miss that car by an second and the one behind you crashes. Yes, everything happens for a reason. Whether it's good at the time or bad, we all have something we have done that we regret, but will we ever make that mistake again? We learn to become smarter, we learn to grow.
This is stemming from the bad week I have had at work, I got really bad news yesterday at work and had to keep it to myself and let it pick at me all night (which I did not sleep much) Now today everyone got the news I was so lucky to learn last night while sitting in a parking lot on a conference call. Some took it OK, but I left early today to avoid the percussion of it all. I am grateful to still have a job, but the outlook for some is not so good. My boss called me this morning and cushioned the fall for me, so I am very fortunate that this will not effect me as much. Thank god I work for such a great man! All last night I tossed and turned trying to figure out my next step and I just kept thinking why now? When everything is going so well, some very important advances in my career have been taken away from me at least temporarily. But it still SUCKS! There is no better word for it. I just keep telling myself that there are many people out there that have it way worse that me, but when it happens to you it's hard to think about the others. But I try. But in the end everything happens for a reason and I am glad to know my value with the company and one day I have to hope that more good will come out of this than bad. But we live in the now, and that's all we can do.
xoxo

Can things Get Any Worse?

I have been pretty fortunate to have a job in the economy that we are struggling with today, but right now I am having a hard time writing this because I am shaking so bad. I can't indulge all the information today, because of certain readers, Sorry you'll find out tomorrow. This week started off with a mandatory meeting explaining a %5 cut within the company. No big deal %5 we can cut that alone in travel and entertainment, not really, so my job says. We need to cut personal losses as well. I still have a job, but it's not looking good. Things have gone from OK to REALLY bad. I feel sick to my stomach.I have no idea what to do. Things are really shaky now. My question is can things can any worse.... Of course they can, and they will before they get better. Damn economy.... Mr President please come up with something quick, because my integrity is at stake, as are many others that are suffering. I never thought I would live to see things so bad, but here I am suffering with everyone else. At a loss literally. OK I am not going to go any further until tomorrow, because that's when the news will break to everyone in the company. Hang in there, that's all I can do.

Control

In my class we are learning about a form of communication that rolls along the same lines as control. There are several different types of control in a conversation and relationship, some is good and needs to be there others are not so good and can be taken out of context. Where am I going with this? Well it's funny how you learn something and then you can see it all over your life. You see people that always have to be in control, whether it's them always having to be right, or talking over you, not calling when they say they will, and even controlling the way the conversation goes. It's interesting to see this in your friends. Me, myself I have never been a controlling person, I am actually very shy, but I have several friends that always need to be right, need to control everything we are talking about. It really bothers me, especially since I know it's wrong. Why do people have to be like that? Why can't you let things just go, why do you always have to get the last word in? In some cases why do you say you are going to do something and then never come through and then give a dumb ass excuse? You are controlling my feelings in regards to the situation. I guess this blog stems from my last blog. I am sick of being the one who doesn't speak up and when I do I am reprimanded by you. Why is that? Doesn't everyone have a right to their own opinion? Doesn't everyone have the right to think other than what you think? :woah: My question I guess is why do people so willing give into people like this? I have for years and now that I am more aware of it, I try not to let it get to me. But it does. It bothers me when you talk over me, and it bothers me that YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO BE RIGHT, and it really bothers me that your opinion is the only one that matters. Obviously you have no concern for what others are feeling and thinking. You are so involved in your life that you really have no concern for your friends. What else bothers me is the fact that you are friends with whoever is your project at the time, and you so willing push others away, just at the moment when others think that a true friendship is forming. But maybe you don't push them away, maybe they push themselves away from you. Did you ever think of that, maybe that's why you go through friends like most people go through socks. But I guess that really isn't your concern is it? YOU have control over who you choose at that moment to be friends with, when you start to see that the other person is sicking up for themselves guess what, you move on to the next victim. So classy. But where would you be if you couldn't control the person you were friends with, because that's all you know how to do.
Food for thought.......