Alone

I sit alone, night after night,convincing myself that I have to study and that I am absorbed in work. But the truth is I am alone. I have friends but I find reasons not to see them, or they turn out to be psycho. One or the other. The ones I care about hurt me and I have to cut them out of my life instead of letting them know that they hurt me. But isn't that the best way? Push everyone away so you don't get hurt? That's how I have been for the last 4 years. I had a few good friends in there at one time, but in one way or another they hurt me. One in particular. Just recently I wrote a paper on this person and how they have inspired me, but it was just a dream, more like how I wished they had inspired me. I live in a fantasy land, wanting what I can't have, wishing I had more. People tell me I have such potential that I am going places, that I am so smart,and pretty. So why can't I see that? Why can't I be that person that so many people see? What I have done to be hurt so many times that I am numb to the pain, that I can just cut someone off and not even think about it anymore? I have become someone that I never wanted to be. alone. Alone to the world and to myself. I don't know the meaning of true friendship anymore, I don't know what it's like to have someone to talk to about my feelings and I don't know who to go to when I am scared. Alone.... thats what I am