My Life Lessons

~ Important lessons I have learned that have made me who I am ~

1) My parents were/are right about 95% of the time in the advice they have given me and continue to give me. 

2) I justly believe you can count your true friends on one hand. My Dad has been telling me this all my life and the more I grow in life, the more I realize this is true. Because true friends are not only real to your face, but also stand up for you when you’re not there to defend yourself.. Time does not exist between true friends, no matter how much time has passed when you see them it's like you saw them yesterday. Judgments and lies are non-existent between each other; because there is no reason to lie. Most importantly True friends are there when things are tough; they ride the storm right beside you.

3) True friends will NEVER ask you to choose, manipulate, intentionally hurt, or make demands from you (this goes for a partner/significant other as well). Partnerships and Friendships are about communication between each other. When a person makes demands on you, gets angry at you for petty situations, treats you badly and disappears when things get tough ~ that person is not a true friend.

4) You can't make a person change, they will only change if they want too - no matter how hard you try, or stay. Same goes for you. You have to want to change. (Drugs will ALWAYS or 90% of the time overpowers the relationship). Is this harsh, yes - but I have seen this too many times and lost friends because of this. If a person does not want help, there is not much you can do. The best thing you can do for them is try to get them help, or remove yourself completely. No matter how hard it is for you or them. This also goes for physical and emotional abuse. I know it is easier said than done, I have been in both situations before and it takes a lot of courage. One Step at a time. 

5) Life happens; it won't stop for you or anyone. It will run you over if you let it. You do have a choice; you can make the best of it or waste it away. One chance is all we get to live on this earth, choose wisely. If you should get a second chance with someone, don’t ruin or waste it.

6) If you are honest with yourself and accept what is, it doesn't matter what other's think. The truth always has a way of coming out. It is true what they say about the truth setting you free. All you need is to trust that and you can survive, it’s not easy, but if you believe in yourself, and are honest, happiness has a way of finding you.

7) “Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions” This is by far one of the most important lessons I have learned this past year. NEVER let ANYONE make you feel less than what you are. If they can't accept you for you, they are not worth your time. Trust me on this.

8) The little things? The moments? They aren't little. – Jon Kabat-Zinn
Don't EVER take them for granted, you never know when they won't be there. In a blink you could lose what is most precious. It happens, I know. You may think material things are important, until you lose what's inside. This I can't fully explain, the best way I can explain is to say appreciate what you have been given naturally and take in all the little things around you, appreciate your talents and use what you have and live, live everyday as if it is your last.

Lastly ~
                                    

~ Healing begins when you allow it too ~

K@tes

In Crisis Mode, Learning Acceptance ~ Waiting to Heal, My Journey

Crisis refines life. In them you find out who you are. 

                                                                                                                ~ Allen K. Chalmers

This piece I am sharing is a little different, I am writing from a more personal side of myself,  I am writing from my perspective. Sharing the tribulations of my life for others to see has never been on my writing agenda. That doesn't mean that when I write it doesn't come from my heart (it does) and  I take so much from my emotions and personal experience when writing.  I just don't write about life events. Everything I write is very personal, and this piece is no exception. This journey is far from over but it is the first step I need to take in healing, as far as my writing goes. 

I realize I have been absent for quiet for some time; it’s not on purpose, if only I was too busy or on vacation. I wish . . .  

I just didn't realize that one flash is all it takes for everything to turn around. Some people don't realize that one second, minute, hour, or day can refine you, it can also define you if you allow it. For me I had my moment on the night of December 18, 2012, that night changed my life dramatically, and for a while I did let it define me along with all of my other problems.

As I drove home that December night I was hit by a car who I later learned failed to stop at a stop sign, the car was going approximately 50 mph. At first I had no idea what happened, I was facing oncoming traffic looking at flashing lights – confused, as people beside me kept asking me if I was alright.

I didn't say anything, I couldn't. I couldn't move, talk, or blink. Somewhere or sometime  I apparently turned off my car, lights and took my keys out of the ignition. Or maybe my car stopped on its own.  I see police, fireman, and a paramedic truck - why were they here? And a lady was screaming, "she didn't have her lights on, she could have killed my daughter, what was she thinking". Still I didn't move. I just sat there not talking, not blinking, and not moving. I didn't understand what happened. Why was I facing oncoming traffic? Why was she screaming? Why was everyone making a big deal about trying to get me to move, asking me if I could stand?  Asking if I could take my seat belt off?  The flashing red and blue lights were almost mesmerizing to look at in the dark wet night.  I close my eyes, trying to tune out the lady screaming . . . 

I cringe as I imagine the sound of medal crunching; it's not my imagination as I start to grasp that the crunching sound was something that had just happened, slowly images start coming to me. It happened so fast,  I don't think it was my fault - I was driving on a busy street, 164th - no stop signs or red lights the direction I was going. Where did it come from? I didn't even see it, where was the car now? There was a nice man next to me (I am not sure why, but I knew he was nice); he was talking to that other man next to me that kept asking me if I could take my seat belt off. Is that an officer? I could hear them talking, was he going to tell the other man what happened, they were talking about me.  I try to listen - that lady was still screaming . . .  GOD SHUT UP!  They are talking about the accident now, (it was an officer), earlier - he (the nice man) was outside taking out the trash, he notices her immediately because she was speeding down the street, when she didn't stop and ran right through the stop sign, he ran and looked . . . They stop talking, again the lady . . .   SHE WON'T SHUT UP!!!! I can hear a woman telling her to shut up. A man is trying to take her away, I think it's an officer too . . . Yes, that woman said officer something, and “she is yelling at the woman she hit, who still is unable to get out of the car, please, you need to take her away!"  I realize the lady that hit me, was yelling at me! I can hear people clapping as the officer takes her away, a lot of people are clapping and I can still hear her yelling that "I could have killed her daughter, it was my fault . . ." More people are yelling at her to shut up. I feel nothing towards her. 

Please don't be finished, the nice man is holding onto my hand, I can feel that, this is good right? After a few seconds the officer asks the nice man to continue, the nice man picks up, he sounds angry - telling the officer that when the lady went to turn left she didn't even look, running right through the stop sign as if it wasn't there and hitting me hard. When he saw me coming he yelled and tried to flag her down, but she didn't look. He estimated she was going about 50 mph, the officer asked how he knew this and he explained that when she turned her tires squealed and the impact was so loud the neighbors 6 houses down heard it, he had to watch as my car spun around once and then into oncoming traffic. hoping no cars would come from the other direction and hit me again. He told the officer I was wearing my seat belt,  yeah . . . They keep asking me if I could remove it. I can hear him telling the officer that I was jerked hard and when I stopped I was not conscious.  Interesting, must be why I am so confused. My head doesn't hurt. He watched and waited with what seemed like forever but was actually less than 1 minute for me to stop so he could help me.  Wow it was all so fast, just like that – less than one minute, the officer tells the nice man it took the police six minutes to get there, the paramedics were there in four. Wow how long was I out? All I remember was hearing the crunch . . .

Since that night it has been an uphill battle with both my physical and mental health. I was diagnosed with trauma to my brain, a fracture in my neck, scoliosis is my back and chronic pain. I suffer from constant tingling and numbness, pin and needles on my right side and in my left hand and foot. In addition to surgery and have been hospitalized numerous times, one being for depression. Currently I am unable to work. The hardest obstacle I have had to face is not being able to read and write at the levels I was able to before the accident. Mainly due to my concentration, focus and ability to retain information all in relation to my brain injury. Everything comes across as scrambled making it harder for me to make sense of my writing, others writing and simple items. This is frustrating as I was reading and writing at academic levels and now I am at elementary levels. This in addition to my chronic pain and injuries make it nearly impossible to work, and make it even more difficult to do many of the things I did before. There is a point where enough was enough and it was time to get creative, after all I had a lot to be grateful for, it could have been a lot worse. I will not lie, I will always wonder if I will be able to achieve the same satisfaction as I did from two things I loved the most. For me reading was a way to relieve stress, but my writing was a gateway to release my emotions.  I have other obstacles that I deal with; my injuries led my doctors to many restrictions – which of course is in my best interest, and not a good idea for me to engage in at this time now anyway. It is still difficult to know that what you were capable of something one day and the next day it was gone. Change, I have been a advocate for, but you truly don't know change unless you are forced to change. This was my first lesson.  

When I was 18 I was diagnosed with bi-polar. I have lived with bi-polar most of my adulthood, and have lived a very productive life. However since my accident my mental health has taken a hit, for the first time since I was diagnosed with my mental illness I was hospitalized. During my “extended stay” at the hospital I had to first learn acceptance, which is to accept what was and what is. I wasn't ready to forgive and that was ok, but I had to accept that it happened. Then I had to learn how to deal with my pain, or a better way of looking at it would be getting it under control. Which was a little more challenging and is still challenging, but just getting out of bed each day is the first step. I had to map out a plan, and my goal – simple to be able to write again. I had and have to want it, not just say it. Acceptance and Change are big factors in the healing process. And some days with my pain I did not want to get out of bed. But I do, and each day I write a little more and read and it is ok that I am reading children’s books, it’s even fun. I cannot change what happened to me, it happened but I change what my future holds. And this piece one stone on my path.

That is why this piece is so very personal to me, it has taken me a few days and with a little help I am able to share a little bit of my journey with you. I still have a long way to go, the difference between then and now, I am no longer allowing my challenges to define me, but to refine me and in the process I am rediscovering a new me. Going from a crisis that changed my life to searching within my soul has taught me that life is about the small things, yet they are not so small, they are the moments in our lives that express our greatest fears, hopes and dreams. If we do not take advantage of what we have before us, we may not have it tomorrow.

I still had to deal negativity and the impact it had on my life. I had a few friends that dominated our friendships by their attitude if their needs were not met it was an automatic drama. It was a very one sided and controlling friendship. My goal was to distance and eventually remove myself from these two friendships. I found more than once I ended up getting hurt. Although there was some drama in the beginning I no longer speak to either person and I can say I am much happier without the drama and constant negative atmosphere that surrounded it. Regardless, maybe the universe was trying to tell me something . . .

After my accident my social life stopped, (well my social life outside of the dr’s office) but I didn't expect my close friendships to stop as well. In the months directly after my accident and my surgery I really found out who my true friends where and who was not. There is that saying that a true friend may not like to get wet but will accompany you through the storm. I was honestly surprised to see who cared and who didn't. It was a big wake up call, and maybe I thought Karma for me shunning the negative people in my life. However, I was not going to allow people like that back into my life. I would be lying if I say it didn't hurt, and it took some time to digest. It was one more item I had to place under my acceptance belt in order to heal.

My doctors don’t know what the future holds; they tell me I will most likely be in pain for the rest of my life. As for my brain injury, I will have to work every day at improving my memory and function. I am lucky and I am grateful. It’s the little things, the moments that we should never take for granted. Though I lost friends I have made some new ones as well. Crossing paths with people that I would have never come across had this not happened, and for this I am grateful. I am a different person than I was last year at this time, and the people I surrounded myself with no longer share the same interests. Which is ok, another part of acceptance of what was, and what is. Now I live for those moments, those memories, and wait for those life lessons and I know what we should allow to define us, not the bad. The bad we learn and grow from. It’s the good that defines us.

~ My Journey 

      Kates

I will leave you with the Serenity Prayer it has helped me and given me peace. 

Grant me the

Serenity

To accept the things I cannot

Change

The Courage

To change the things I can

And the

Wisdom

To know the Difference 

Happy Valentines Day and Burn in Hell

I have to admit I am not the biggest fan of Valentine's Day, it absolutely depresses me. In this (hopefully small) chapter in my life I don't like being reminded that I am 31 and single. Not to mention the overpriced candy, flowers and never ending hype from my friends up to the day - Blah! Maybe this year it was a little harder to swallow because I am 31, and in the last year I have seen so many of my friends get engaged and settle down. Don't get me wrong I am happy for each and every one of them, but on this one day on February 14, I would rather not think about my non-existent love life. I will however be the first to admit that if the day comes when and if I meet Mr. Right, or Mr. Right then and I get a dozen red roses, or a romantic evening out on Valentine's Day I will enjoy every single moment of it, like every other romantic sap. Hypocritical right? Maybe, maybe not, but I think that every single person tells themselves that when they are single on Valentines day . . .
Regardless of how I feel now or if I was in a relationship - or how much I gagged when I had to listen to my friends talk about their plans this last year, one thing I did not think was Burn in Hell Sinners! So Valentines say may not be the most appealing to some, but it is meant to be romantic and the whole purpose of this day is to show the one you love, how much you love them. Not according to an Egyptian Salafi preacher, who believes love and Valentines day is un-Islamic. Wow imagine that! Ahmad Mahmoud Abdullah who is known as  “Abu Islam” and owns a private television channel “al-Ummah,” posted an online video Wednesday urging all Muslims and those who fear God not to use anything "tinted in red" and also made a statement saying "those celebrating Valentine’s Day or selling items related to the event (Valentine's Day) are “committing a sin and will burn in hell”. Abu Islam went as far as to say those woman who celebrate this day are considered ‘adultery and prostitution’. Apparently he celebrates February 14th as "adultery' day.
I have to say this seems a little extreme. I know us singles can get a little bitter on Valentine's Day, but I would never think to wish any ill will on my fellow romantics. I don't mean to get all politically correct (actually I do, it is my blog), but why would it be anyone's business - especially that of Abu Islam on how we as Americans spend February 14th? I get the fact that Abu Islam does not celebrate this day, but who is he to make these kinds of remarks on the romantics of the world?
On another online video Abu Islam posted on his private television channel he said that the raping and sexually harassing of woman protesters in Cairo’s Tahrir Square is justified, calling them “crusaders” who “have no shame, no fear and not even feminism.” He went on to say “They tell you women are a red line. They tell you that naked women -- who are going to Tahrir Square because they want to be raped -- are a red line! And they ask Mursi and the Brotherhood to leave power!” Abu Islam may call himself a preacher, but he is a man of hate, who describes these brave woman of Egypt as "devils," monsters and Muslimix (liberal Muslims who he gives the name “Muslimix.”)
The Westboro Baptist Church of Egypt? Unquestionably the same sick thinking of this so called "preachers" thinking. It should be noted that The Westboro Baptist Church believes that Muhammad is a child molester . . . Hmm I think they are both sick.
Although when it comes to Valentine's Day I think it is Abu Islam who is the Sinner who should Burn in Hell! 

~ Happy Valentine's Day Abu Islam! ~ 



*** I did try to obtain the video, however because the video was posted on Abu Islam PRIVATE television channel, it was not available. The words in pink are links to the articles containing the information***

After Sex Comments

Aries ~ OK Let’s do it again!!!! I am so ready . . .

Taurus ~ I'M HUNGRY!! - Pass that Pizza over here will you babe? Thanks! 

Gemini ~ Have you see the remote? I need to catch the news, come on, please - give me the remote …???

Cancer ~ When are we getting married? (Oh God was that too soon? The last one didn't call again, changed the number….)

Leo ~ Wasn't I Fantastic?!?! Of Course I Was.. J Why the hell am I asking you?

Virgo- Need to wash the sheets ... Oh God!  PLEASE leave so I can to wash MY damn sheets!!!

Libra – I liked it, if YOU liked it. Did you like it?  (What if they didn't like it…?)

Scorpio ~ Perhaps I should UNTIE you? Hmm, NEXT TIME we will use the hand cuffs or MAYBE the whip?  

Sagittarius ~ Don't call me, I'll call you…. (Yeah . . . when I get around to it)

Capricorn ~ Do you have a business card?!?! – We can do Business and hook up later.

Aquarius ~ Let’s try it with our cloths off ! It’s hot in here right, hit the lights too. 

Pisces ~ What was your name again??  (God I have to stop doing that, this is the last time I swear!)   

Now look at your hookup or your significant other and see if this true?

Was yours true? Mine was right on! 

GOODBYE 2012, You made me cry, You made Me laugh, But it’s time to MOVE ON!

It’s almost midnight – 2013, and by the time I finish writing this it will be officially be January 1, 2013! (I started this last night 12/30/2012 and now it’s the next afternoon ok the next night…) It has been a crazy year, and I tend to say that almost every year. Let me start out by saying I had an EPIC summer; one of the best summers I have had in a long time, the kind you will look back on and remember forever - THE EPIC SUMMER OF 2012! J  Starting with that In a nutshell and in no particular order:

I believe it all started with F’s b-day, technically it was March, and it was snowing pretty hard that night, but from there it was ON! American Reunion!!! LOVED IT! Florence and the Machine (HIGHLIGHT), The Clark County Fair on to Out of Bounds, headed to B’s apt where we went drunk swimming in the pool and decided to shave B’s chest (THAT WAS AWESOME!)- the same night a security wanna be cop comes up to us and asks if we were in the pool, All of us shaking our heads no - as we are ALL soaking wet, some of the boys in swimming trunks, and then drunk, stupid me showing him my wrist bracelet and telling him “we were at the fair officer” as Eli (a boy we met) is brushing my wet hair! The wanna be security cop told us to have a good night and left. THE BEACH BOYS – Wouldn't it Be Nice!!! Going Bat Shit Crazy on UMM!?!?!,  MAGIC MIKE – YEAH BUDDY – CAN WE SAY CHANNING TATUM!!!!, J Punching some boy outside the Atrium, CHICAGO – If You Leave Me Now you’ll take away the very heart of me, NOOO BAAAABY, PLEASE DON’T GO!!!!  Alabama Boy, Seattle Boy, The son of a preacher buying  J drinks, Getting X’d at the bar before I got in, Mystery Boy in the Car (where the hell did he come from?!?!?), Levi & Eli and The missing tooth, 80’s night at Dixies, and the boys – STIFFLER AND PAULY-D, Harvey’s Comedy Club – The Benson, Beer run Over the Bridge, WTF?!?!?, WAIT -actually many beer runs (or races) after the club closed – to get the cheapest, most horrible beer available for whatever we were doing afterwards, Fun Run to some house in the middle of Where?!?! Huh? Me deciding to go to the beach with J@%&* at a drunk moment and then actually doing it, (this consisted of leaving at 6am the next morning), Sex Party, sorry Pure Romance?? Party, Oh so MANY fun things there…. Too bad I haven’t gotten to use them! – Energy drink with Alcohol that turned your mouth completely BLUE (that was a bitch trying to get your mouth clean), A Pick up line that I not going to repeat here, but it is ABSOLUTELY worth a mention ,Girl + Boy talking shit to me and J – saying not very nice things AT ALL! END OF SUMMER BEACH TRIP! So much Fun, Drunkenness, MR peeing in the bushes, j & MR REFLECTING ON THE WATER, MR freaking out about the water, then AD doing the same… AD TEACHING US CARDS GAMES COMPLETELY WASTED. If you asked me now I couldn't tell you how to play or what the name of the card games were. Half the time I had no idea what I was doing when I was playing. You’ll have to ask J about my sleeping habits…There are some things left out. Some of you know exactly what they are, but let’s not tell! that’s why they were left out!

~EPIC SUMMER OF 2012~

2012 has given me an amazing opportunity; my writing has finally received some recognition! I first was asked for some of my work to be featured on a website that was showcasing “promising” writers. I had two of my “darker” pieces featured there (a non-fiction short story about an event earlier in my life, and a piece about Jose).  From there I was asked by a literary online magazine to submit some of my work, they published two of my poems and another short story (the poems were a love piece that I was inspired to write and the other was the same piece I wrote about Jose, the short story was a fictional piece about abuse). The day I found out they would be publishing my work, was one the best days in my life. To write all your life and to have a professional tell you, that not only are you a good writer but you also have a natural talent is a feeling I will never be able to explain. It’s almost like having an awesome dream, waking up and realizing he is lying right next to you. (If you have ever been lucky enough to be in love to have experienced that.)The domino effect was luck maybe? Now I am currently working with a publishing company (honestly I have no idea where this is going, and there have been some hiccups with this). I have a lot of work to do for my work to be published in my own book. So I joined a writing group run by a publisher who, herself has eight published books, her last one a #1 best seller. This group has helped me grow tremendously as a writer. Meeting in person with a group is very different as opposed to meeting by phone, or online, the constructive criticism on your work is harder to take in person. Also getting the opportunity to work with a publisher who reads and critiques our work is a chance that doesn't come around often. Working with this group has given me the support I need to make that final step happen to get my book published. Finally, the literary magazine that published my poems and short story offered me a spot in their “elite” writing group for the magazine. The amazing part of this group is I get to expand on my creative writing skills by writing completely out of my genre. For different writing sessions every month, the writing sessions can be anything – from Shakespearians sonnets to a monostich to a story, i.e. fantasy, science fiction, non-fiction – you get the idea. After your work is submitted at the deadline, the best pieces are chosen, critiqued by other writers and then published in the magazine. It is an honor to be chosen to be in this group, for exposure and talent alone as there are talented writers in the group. The process for entry is like applying for college (after you are asked) and spaces are limited you are still not guaranteed a spot!

Though there were good things that happened in 2012, having my writing recognized is the most amazing thing that has happened to me, not only this year, but maybe so far in my life. But my writing is what kept me going and got me through this year. I have no idea if my writing is going to end up as a career or if it stays more of a hobby - but at least I can say that I had a few pieces published. One thing I always dreamed for!  Starting me out in 2013 my fantasy short story will be published in the February Edition.

2012 also brought some new struggles for me (what year doesn't have challenges and struggles). There have been those pesky medical issues that just don’t seem to want to go away. Focusing on the good, I am not going to go into them here. If you know me well enough you know about 95% of it all. My friends I love you dearly but there are some things that are just not your business, therefore I don’t tell you EVERYTHING! Imagine that, I know how to keep my mouth shut!

And then there is a decision I have been struggling with for a while…. 

Do I stay or Do I go?

I have gotten to a point in living here that I feel stuck, claustrophobic, and I realized that no matter where I was nothing would have changed. That will make sense to some of you. I began to question my move out here in the first place. Being the irrational person I am, I ALMOST moved to San Diego this summer - but reality kicked in. For reasons that are a big part of my life San Diego would not be a practical place for me to live at this time in my life. (I am actually OK being out of my comfort zone. I moved out here leaving all of my friends and starting over. So the fear of moving somewhere and not knowing anyone was not enough of a reason to keep me back)

I don’t believe in fate anymore, but I do believe that everything happens for a reason. (Maybe that’s the same thing). I do think that we sometimes cross paths with certain people or hear/see something that opens ours eyes. Or maybe we just don’t forget who we really are inside.

My friend M said something to me yesterday, she said, well demanded  - To start living for me, and stop caring what everyone (a few people, in particular) else thought. And that I SHOULD be selfish, and take care of myself first. What exactly was I still doing here?

I had to laugh; she knew exactly what she was saying and why she was saying it. Again making me think, what am I still doing here?

~ GOODBYE 2012 ~

You made me cry, You made

Me laugh, But it’s time to

MOVE ON

I need to be practical in my decisions; I also need to think practical. I need to live in the present – not the past, and not worry about the future, but planning the future.

I want to go back to Grad School and I AM going back, it has ALWAYS been my priority to do so.

I know that things change, I am not 24, neither are any of my friends.

In 7 ½ years, I have grown and changed, I need to accept that my friends have too.  

Now that I have accepted the fact that I am not happy, I am the only person who can change the situation I am in.

My biggest priority is me, M is right, regardless of who thinks I am selfish, I need to take care of ME first. If I can be happy, then everything else will fall into place.

I gave it my best shot! I have no regrets; there is a lesson in everything that life hands you.

Lastly - What am I still doing here?

I am a little scared/nervous and I am curious how the next few months are going to play out. There is one other thing I also believe . . . You get what you truly want, so 2013 bring it on!

~~~ HAPPY 2013 ~~~