In Crisis Mode, Learning Acceptance ~ Waiting to Heal, My Journey

Crisis refines life. In them you find out who you are. 

                                                                                                                ~ Allen K. Chalmers

This piece I am sharing is a little different, I am writing from a more personal side of myself,  I am writing from my perspective. Sharing the tribulations of my life for others to see has never been on my writing agenda. That doesn't mean that when I write it doesn't come from my heart (it does) and  I take so much from my emotions and personal experience when writing.  I just don't write about life events. Everything I write is very personal, and this piece is no exception. This journey is far from over but it is the first step I need to take in healing, as far as my writing goes. 

I realize I have been absent for quiet for some time; it’s not on purpose, if only I was too busy or on vacation. I wish . . .  

I just didn't realize that one flash is all it takes for everything to turn around. Some people don't realize that one second, minute, hour, or day can refine you, it can also define you if you allow it. For me I had my moment on the night of December 18, 2012, that night changed my life dramatically, and for a while I did let it define me along with all of my other problems.

As I drove home that December night I was hit by a car who I later learned failed to stop at a stop sign, the car was going approximately 50 mph. At first I had no idea what happened, I was facing oncoming traffic looking at flashing lights – confused, as people beside me kept asking me if I was alright.

I didn't say anything, I couldn't. I couldn't move, talk, or blink. Somewhere or sometime  I apparently turned off my car, lights and took my keys out of the ignition. Or maybe my car stopped on its own.  I see police, fireman, and a paramedic truck - why were they here? And a lady was screaming, "she didn't have her lights on, she could have killed my daughter, what was she thinking". Still I didn't move. I just sat there not talking, not blinking, and not moving. I didn't understand what happened. Why was I facing oncoming traffic? Why was she screaming? Why was everyone making a big deal about trying to get me to move, asking me if I could stand?  Asking if I could take my seat belt off?  The flashing red and blue lights were almost mesmerizing to look at in the dark wet night.  I close my eyes, trying to tune out the lady screaming . . . 

I cringe as I imagine the sound of medal crunching; it's not my imagination as I start to grasp that the crunching sound was something that had just happened, slowly images start coming to me. It happened so fast,  I don't think it was my fault - I was driving on a busy street, 164th - no stop signs or red lights the direction I was going. Where did it come from? I didn't even see it, where was the car now? There was a nice man next to me (I am not sure why, but I knew he was nice); he was talking to that other man next to me that kept asking me if I could take my seat belt off. Is that an officer? I could hear them talking, was he going to tell the other man what happened, they were talking about me.  I try to listen - that lady was still screaming . . .  GOD SHUT UP!  They are talking about the accident now, (it was an officer), earlier - he (the nice man) was outside taking out the trash, he notices her immediately because she was speeding down the street, when she didn't stop and ran right through the stop sign, he ran and looked . . . They stop talking, again the lady . . .   SHE WON'T SHUT UP!!!! I can hear a woman telling her to shut up. A man is trying to take her away, I think it's an officer too . . . Yes, that woman said officer something, and “she is yelling at the woman she hit, who still is unable to get out of the car, please, you need to take her away!"  I realize the lady that hit me, was yelling at me! I can hear people clapping as the officer takes her away, a lot of people are clapping and I can still hear her yelling that "I could have killed her daughter, it was my fault . . ." More people are yelling at her to shut up. I feel nothing towards her. 

Please don't be finished, the nice man is holding onto my hand, I can feel that, this is good right? After a few seconds the officer asks the nice man to continue, the nice man picks up, he sounds angry - telling the officer that when the lady went to turn left she didn't even look, running right through the stop sign as if it wasn't there and hitting me hard. When he saw me coming he yelled and tried to flag her down, but she didn't look. He estimated she was going about 50 mph, the officer asked how he knew this and he explained that when she turned her tires squealed and the impact was so loud the neighbors 6 houses down heard it, he had to watch as my car spun around once and then into oncoming traffic. hoping no cars would come from the other direction and hit me again. He told the officer I was wearing my seat belt,  yeah . . . They keep asking me if I could remove it. I can hear him telling the officer that I was jerked hard and when I stopped I was not conscious.  Interesting, must be why I am so confused. My head doesn't hurt. He watched and waited with what seemed like forever but was actually less than 1 minute for me to stop so he could help me.  Wow it was all so fast, just like that – less than one minute, the officer tells the nice man it took the police six minutes to get there, the paramedics were there in four. Wow how long was I out? All I remember was hearing the crunch . . .

Since that night it has been an uphill battle with both my physical and mental health. I was diagnosed with trauma to my brain, a fracture in my neck, scoliosis is my back and chronic pain. I suffer from constant tingling and numbness, pin and needles on my right side and in my left hand and foot. In addition to surgery and have been hospitalized numerous times, one being for depression. Currently I am unable to work. The hardest obstacle I have had to face is not being able to read and write at the levels I was able to before the accident. Mainly due to my concentration, focus and ability to retain information all in relation to my brain injury. Everything comes across as scrambled making it harder for me to make sense of my writing, others writing and simple items. This is frustrating as I was reading and writing at academic levels and now I am at elementary levels. This in addition to my chronic pain and injuries make it nearly impossible to work, and make it even more difficult to do many of the things I did before. There is a point where enough was enough and it was time to get creative, after all I had a lot to be grateful for, it could have been a lot worse. I will not lie, I will always wonder if I will be able to achieve the same satisfaction as I did from two things I loved the most. For me reading was a way to relieve stress, but my writing was a gateway to release my emotions.  I have other obstacles that I deal with; my injuries led my doctors to many restrictions – which of course is in my best interest, and not a good idea for me to engage in at this time now anyway. It is still difficult to know that what you were capable of something one day and the next day it was gone. Change, I have been a advocate for, but you truly don't know change unless you are forced to change. This was my first lesson.  

When I was 18 I was diagnosed with bi-polar. I have lived with bi-polar most of my adulthood, and have lived a very productive life. However since my accident my mental health has taken a hit, for the first time since I was diagnosed with my mental illness I was hospitalized. During my “extended stay” at the hospital I had to first learn acceptance, which is to accept what was and what is. I wasn't ready to forgive and that was ok, but I had to accept that it happened. Then I had to learn how to deal with my pain, or a better way of looking at it would be getting it under control. Which was a little more challenging and is still challenging, but just getting out of bed each day is the first step. I had to map out a plan, and my goal – simple to be able to write again. I had and have to want it, not just say it. Acceptance and Change are big factors in the healing process. And some days with my pain I did not want to get out of bed. But I do, and each day I write a little more and read and it is ok that I am reading children’s books, it’s even fun. I cannot change what happened to me, it happened but I change what my future holds. And this piece one stone on my path.

That is why this piece is so very personal to me, it has taken me a few days and with a little help I am able to share a little bit of my journey with you. I still have a long way to go, the difference between then and now, I am no longer allowing my challenges to define me, but to refine me and in the process I am rediscovering a new me. Going from a crisis that changed my life to searching within my soul has taught me that life is about the small things, yet they are not so small, they are the moments in our lives that express our greatest fears, hopes and dreams. If we do not take advantage of what we have before us, we may not have it tomorrow.

I still had to deal negativity and the impact it had on my life. I had a few friends that dominated our friendships by their attitude if their needs were not met it was an automatic drama. It was a very one sided and controlling friendship. My goal was to distance and eventually remove myself from these two friendships. I found more than once I ended up getting hurt. Although there was some drama in the beginning I no longer speak to either person and I can say I am much happier without the drama and constant negative atmosphere that surrounded it. Regardless, maybe the universe was trying to tell me something . . .

After my accident my social life stopped, (well my social life outside of the dr’s office) but I didn't expect my close friendships to stop as well. In the months directly after my accident and my surgery I really found out who my true friends where and who was not. There is that saying that a true friend may not like to get wet but will accompany you through the storm. I was honestly surprised to see who cared and who didn't. It was a big wake up call, and maybe I thought Karma for me shunning the negative people in my life. However, I was not going to allow people like that back into my life. I would be lying if I say it didn't hurt, and it took some time to digest. It was one more item I had to place under my acceptance belt in order to heal.

My doctors don’t know what the future holds; they tell me I will most likely be in pain for the rest of my life. As for my brain injury, I will have to work every day at improving my memory and function. I am lucky and I am grateful. It’s the little things, the moments that we should never take for granted. Though I lost friends I have made some new ones as well. Crossing paths with people that I would have never come across had this not happened, and for this I am grateful. I am a different person than I was last year at this time, and the people I surrounded myself with no longer share the same interests. Which is ok, another part of acceptance of what was, and what is. Now I live for those moments, those memories, and wait for those life lessons and I know what we should allow to define us, not the bad. The bad we learn and grow from. It’s the good that defines us.

~ My Journey 

      Kates

I will leave you with the Serenity Prayer it has helped me and given me peace. 

Grant me the

Serenity

To accept the things I cannot

Change

The Courage

To change the things I can

And the

Wisdom

To know the Difference 

Happy Valentines Day and Burn in Hell

I have to admit I am not the biggest fan of Valentine's Day, it absolutely depresses me. In this (hopefully small) chapter in my life I don't like being reminded that I am 31 and single. Not to mention the overpriced candy, flowers and never ending hype from my friends up to the day - Blah! Maybe this year it was a little harder to swallow because I am 31, and in the last year I have seen so many of my friends get engaged and settle down. Don't get me wrong I am happy for each and every one of them, but on this one day on February 14, I would rather not think about my non-existent love life. I will however be the first to admit that if the day comes when and if I meet Mr. Right, or Mr. Right then and I get a dozen red roses, or a romantic evening out on Valentine's Day I will enjoy every single moment of it, like every other romantic sap. Hypocritical right? Maybe, maybe not, but I think that every single person tells themselves that when they are single on Valentines day . . .
Regardless of how I feel now or if I was in a relationship - or how much I gagged when I had to listen to my friends talk about their plans this last year, one thing I did not think was Burn in Hell Sinners! So Valentines say may not be the most appealing to some, but it is meant to be romantic and the whole purpose of this day is to show the one you love, how much you love them. Not according to an Egyptian Salafi preacher, who believes love and Valentines day is un-Islamic. Wow imagine that! Ahmad Mahmoud Abdullah who is known as  “Abu Islam” and owns a private television channel “al-Ummah,” posted an online video Wednesday urging all Muslims and those who fear God not to use anything "tinted in red" and also made a statement saying "those celebrating Valentine’s Day or selling items related to the event (Valentine's Day) are “committing a sin and will burn in hell”. Abu Islam went as far as to say those woman who celebrate this day are considered ‘adultery and prostitution’. Apparently he celebrates February 14th as "adultery' day.
I have to say this seems a little extreme. I know us singles can get a little bitter on Valentine's Day, but I would never think to wish any ill will on my fellow romantics. I don't mean to get all politically correct (actually I do, it is my blog), but why would it be anyone's business - especially that of Abu Islam on how we as Americans spend February 14th? I get the fact that Abu Islam does not celebrate this day, but who is he to make these kinds of remarks on the romantics of the world?
On another online video Abu Islam posted on his private television channel he said that the raping and sexually harassing of woman protesters in Cairo’s Tahrir Square is justified, calling them “crusaders” who “have no shame, no fear and not even feminism.” He went on to say “They tell you women are a red line. They tell you that naked women -- who are going to Tahrir Square because they want to be raped -- are a red line! And they ask Mursi and the Brotherhood to leave power!” Abu Islam may call himself a preacher, but he is a man of hate, who describes these brave woman of Egypt as "devils," monsters and Muslimix (liberal Muslims who he gives the name “Muslimix.”)
The Westboro Baptist Church of Egypt? Unquestionably the same sick thinking of this so called "preachers" thinking. It should be noted that The Westboro Baptist Church believes that Muhammad is a child molester . . . Hmm I think they are both sick.
Although when it comes to Valentine's Day I think it is Abu Islam who is the Sinner who should Burn in Hell! 

~ Happy Valentine's Day Abu Islam! ~ 



*** I did try to obtain the video, however because the video was posted on Abu Islam PRIVATE television channel, it was not available. The words in pink are links to the articles containing the information***

After Sex Comments

Aries ~ OK Let’s do it again!!!! I am so ready . . .

Taurus ~ I'M HUNGRY!! - Pass that Pizza over here will you babe? Thanks! 

Gemini ~ Have you see the remote? I need to catch the news, come on, please - give me the remote …???

Cancer ~ When are we getting married? (Oh God was that too soon? The last one didn't call again, changed the number….)

Leo ~ Wasn't I Fantastic?!?! Of Course I Was.. J Why the hell am I asking you?

Virgo- Need to wash the sheets ... Oh God!  PLEASE leave so I can to wash MY damn sheets!!!

Libra – I liked it, if YOU liked it. Did you like it?  (What if they didn't like it…?)

Scorpio ~ Perhaps I should UNTIE you? Hmm, NEXT TIME we will use the hand cuffs or MAYBE the whip?  

Sagittarius ~ Don't call me, I'll call you…. (Yeah . . . when I get around to it)

Capricorn ~ Do you have a business card?!?! – We can do Business and hook up later.

Aquarius ~ Let’s try it with our cloths off ! It’s hot in here right, hit the lights too. 

Pisces ~ What was your name again??  (God I have to stop doing that, this is the last time I swear!)   

Now look at your hookup or your significant other and see if this true?

Was yours true? Mine was right on! 

GOODBYE 2012, You made me cry, You made Me laugh, But it’s time to MOVE ON!

It’s almost midnight – 2013, and by the time I finish writing this it will be officially be January 1, 2013! (I started this last night 12/30/2012 and now it’s the next afternoon ok the next night…) It has been a crazy year, and I tend to say that almost every year. Let me start out by saying I had an EPIC summer; one of the best summers I have had in a long time, the kind you will look back on and remember forever - THE EPIC SUMMER OF 2012! J  Starting with that In a nutshell and in no particular order:

I believe it all started with F’s b-day, technically it was March, and it was snowing pretty hard that night, but from there it was ON! American Reunion!!! LOVED IT! Florence and the Machine (HIGHLIGHT), The Clark County Fair on to Out of Bounds, headed to B’s apt where we went drunk swimming in the pool and decided to shave B’s chest (THAT WAS AWESOME!)- the same night a security wanna be cop comes up to us and asks if we were in the pool, All of us shaking our heads no - as we are ALL soaking wet, some of the boys in swimming trunks, and then drunk, stupid me showing him my wrist bracelet and telling him “we were at the fair officer” as Eli (a boy we met) is brushing my wet hair! The wanna be security cop told us to have a good night and left. THE BEACH BOYS – Wouldn't it Be Nice!!! Going Bat Shit Crazy on UMM!?!?!,  MAGIC MIKE – YEAH BUDDY – CAN WE SAY CHANNING TATUM!!!!, J Punching some boy outside the Atrium, CHICAGO – If You Leave Me Now you’ll take away the very heart of me, NOOO BAAAABY, PLEASE DON’T GO!!!!  Alabama Boy, Seattle Boy, The son of a preacher buying  J drinks, Getting X’d at the bar before I got in, Mystery Boy in the Car (where the hell did he come from?!?!?), Levi & Eli and The missing tooth, 80’s night at Dixies, and the boys – STIFFLER AND PAULY-D, Harvey’s Comedy Club – The Benson, Beer run Over the Bridge, WTF?!?!?, WAIT -actually many beer runs (or races) after the club closed – to get the cheapest, most horrible beer available for whatever we were doing afterwards, Fun Run to some house in the middle of Where?!?! Huh? Me deciding to go to the beach with J@%&* at a drunk moment and then actually doing it, (this consisted of leaving at 6am the next morning), Sex Party, sorry Pure Romance?? Party, Oh so MANY fun things there…. Too bad I haven’t gotten to use them! – Energy drink with Alcohol that turned your mouth completely BLUE (that was a bitch trying to get your mouth clean), A Pick up line that I not going to repeat here, but it is ABSOLUTELY worth a mention ,Girl + Boy talking shit to me and J – saying not very nice things AT ALL! END OF SUMMER BEACH TRIP! So much Fun, Drunkenness, MR peeing in the bushes, j & MR REFLECTING ON THE WATER, MR freaking out about the water, then AD doing the same… AD TEACHING US CARDS GAMES COMPLETELY WASTED. If you asked me now I couldn't tell you how to play or what the name of the card games were. Half the time I had no idea what I was doing when I was playing. You’ll have to ask J about my sleeping habits…There are some things left out. Some of you know exactly what they are, but let’s not tell! that’s why they were left out!

~EPIC SUMMER OF 2012~

2012 has given me an amazing opportunity; my writing has finally received some recognition! I first was asked for some of my work to be featured on a website that was showcasing “promising” writers. I had two of my “darker” pieces featured there (a non-fiction short story about an event earlier in my life, and a piece about Jose).  From there I was asked by a literary online magazine to submit some of my work, they published two of my poems and another short story (the poems were a love piece that I was inspired to write and the other was the same piece I wrote about Jose, the short story was a fictional piece about abuse). The day I found out they would be publishing my work, was one the best days in my life. To write all your life and to have a professional tell you, that not only are you a good writer but you also have a natural talent is a feeling I will never be able to explain. It’s almost like having an awesome dream, waking up and realizing he is lying right next to you. (If you have ever been lucky enough to be in love to have experienced that.)The domino effect was luck maybe? Now I am currently working with a publishing company (honestly I have no idea where this is going, and there have been some hiccups with this). I have a lot of work to do for my work to be published in my own book. So I joined a writing group run by a publisher who, herself has eight published books, her last one a #1 best seller. This group has helped me grow tremendously as a writer. Meeting in person with a group is very different as opposed to meeting by phone, or online, the constructive criticism on your work is harder to take in person. Also getting the opportunity to work with a publisher who reads and critiques our work is a chance that doesn't come around often. Working with this group has given me the support I need to make that final step happen to get my book published. Finally, the literary magazine that published my poems and short story offered me a spot in their “elite” writing group for the magazine. The amazing part of this group is I get to expand on my creative writing skills by writing completely out of my genre. For different writing sessions every month, the writing sessions can be anything – from Shakespearians sonnets to a monostich to a story, i.e. fantasy, science fiction, non-fiction – you get the idea. After your work is submitted at the deadline, the best pieces are chosen, critiqued by other writers and then published in the magazine. It is an honor to be chosen to be in this group, for exposure and talent alone as there are talented writers in the group. The process for entry is like applying for college (after you are asked) and spaces are limited you are still not guaranteed a spot!

Though there were good things that happened in 2012, having my writing recognized is the most amazing thing that has happened to me, not only this year, but maybe so far in my life. But my writing is what kept me going and got me through this year. I have no idea if my writing is going to end up as a career or if it stays more of a hobby - but at least I can say that I had a few pieces published. One thing I always dreamed for!  Starting me out in 2013 my fantasy short story will be published in the February Edition.

2012 also brought some new struggles for me (what year doesn't have challenges and struggles). There have been those pesky medical issues that just don’t seem to want to go away. Focusing on the good, I am not going to go into them here. If you know me well enough you know about 95% of it all. My friends I love you dearly but there are some things that are just not your business, therefore I don’t tell you EVERYTHING! Imagine that, I know how to keep my mouth shut!

And then there is a decision I have been struggling with for a while…. 

Do I stay or Do I go?

I have gotten to a point in living here that I feel stuck, claustrophobic, and I realized that no matter where I was nothing would have changed. That will make sense to some of you. I began to question my move out here in the first place. Being the irrational person I am, I ALMOST moved to San Diego this summer - but reality kicked in. For reasons that are a big part of my life San Diego would not be a practical place for me to live at this time in my life. (I am actually OK being out of my comfort zone. I moved out here leaving all of my friends and starting over. So the fear of moving somewhere and not knowing anyone was not enough of a reason to keep me back)

I don’t believe in fate anymore, but I do believe that everything happens for a reason. (Maybe that’s the same thing). I do think that we sometimes cross paths with certain people or hear/see something that opens ours eyes. Or maybe we just don’t forget who we really are inside.

My friend M said something to me yesterday, she said, well demanded  - To start living for me, and stop caring what everyone (a few people, in particular) else thought. And that I SHOULD be selfish, and take care of myself first. What exactly was I still doing here?

I had to laugh; she knew exactly what she was saying and why she was saying it. Again making me think, what am I still doing here?

~ GOODBYE 2012 ~

You made me cry, You made

Me laugh, But it’s time to

MOVE ON

I need to be practical in my decisions; I also need to think practical. I need to live in the present – not the past, and not worry about the future, but planning the future.

I want to go back to Grad School and I AM going back, it has ALWAYS been my priority to do so.

I know that things change, I am not 24, neither are any of my friends.

In 7 ½ years, I have grown and changed, I need to accept that my friends have too.  

Now that I have accepted the fact that I am not happy, I am the only person who can change the situation I am in.

My biggest priority is me, M is right, regardless of who thinks I am selfish, I need to take care of ME first. If I can be happy, then everything else will fall into place.

I gave it my best shot! I have no regrets; there is a lesson in everything that life hands you.

Lastly - What am I still doing here?

I am a little scared/nervous and I am curious how the next few months are going to play out. There is one other thing I also believe . . . You get what you truly want, so 2013 bring it on!

~~~ HAPPY 2013 ~~~

  

Who Are We/You to Blame When Things Go Horribly Wrong?

*** Sorry for the delay in this post, as I was writing, more information became available, and so did my opinion ***

The shootings on Friday, 12/14/2012 at Sandy Hook Elementary School and all the mass shooting that have occurred leading to up to Friday, have been devastating, words can’t even explain the pain and evil. They have affected so many people, If not personally, then emotionally. It is unimaginable that someone could ever kill, especially innocent children and in some cases their own parents, or anyone for that matter.

In days after the shootings I have seen conversations, theories and new talk about what needs to be looked at and done to ensure this never happens again. I personally was involved in an emotional debate defending mental illness. Which seems to be a hot topic after a blog was posted from a mother perspective whose child suffers from a severe case that the doctors have been unable to diagnose. The blog post titled I am Adam Lanza's Mother, by Liza Long. 

After engaging in the thread, defending mental health and those who suffer from it (the conversation was actually was very civilized and we were both able to see where each side was coming from, it was educational on both ends). I received a lot of private messages that were extremely rude and hateful. Prior and after the conversation I was seeing a lot of conversations taking place everywhere and many people don’t understand why this issue is painful and close to my heart. It is frustrating for me to see all the misinformation, ignorance and stigmas that people still place on mental illness. Believing that people suffering from a mental illness are all placed under 1 umbrella - harmful, crazy, and just like the horrible people that committed these crimes.

Then of course there has been the gun debate. We see it every time something horrible happens. People from both sides getting in heated arguments, posting pictures and so on. I wanted to share what I saw when I opened my email, this was to my sent to my personal email, but I was still shocked at the bluntness of the first sentence -”After the shooter Adam Lanza, no one is more to blame for the massacre of 20 first graders and six adults (not including 2 others, the mother of Adam Lanza and Adam Lanza who shot himself) at the Sandy Hook Elementary School than the National Rifle Association. In order to stop the senseless killing we must first stop the NRA". Now I have heard similar words after Columbine, and the shootings at the Movie Theater in Denver and all the other shooting that have taken place, I have to admit I am a little dizzy! There is talk of guns, rifles, semi-automatic weapons and legislation going into place, then the President(s) getting up on national television talking about the senseless tragedy and vowing to put stricter gun laws into place. Yet Since the Columbine shooting there has been no Federal legislation passed, even after the 2011 shootings of AZ Rep Gabrielle Giffords. However Congress did pass a law tightening restrictions on gun ownership, in 2007 following the mass shooting at Virginia Tech, In addition the federal screening database would be expanded for potential gun purchasers to include more than 2 million individuals who are barred from owning them (guns) due to felonies or mental illness. (The down side there is not enough money to perform background checks…) Before this several mass shootings occurred in the 1980’s and early 90’ prompting congress to pass a ban on assault rifles in 1994, unfortunately that ban expired in 2004. Of course congress has been trying to get it re-instated, without success. Sen. Dianne Feinstein, D-Calif is working on a new version of the ban on assault rifles, with some extra provisions, it is planned to be introduced in January 2013. Will it pass? Maybe. With the recent shootings there is more hope that tighter restrictions on assault weapons will be put into place, thus far all legislation has failed to pass any new laws despite the promises of the Presidents and congress who have vowed to do so after every tragic shooting. People strongly believe that guns are the major factor in the mass shootings that have occurred. This brings me to something I would like to address next. 

The one thing I have not heard people say is - I blame Adam Lanza, James Holmes, Jared Loughner, Seung-Hui Cho, Eric Harris, and Dylan Kelbold.  Why Not, after all they were the shooters; they were the ones that committed the crimes. Why are we not holding them accountable? Why is there not more conversation about their guilt and their clear center role in pulling the trigger? No one talks about the person behind the gun, just the gun itself. Also, why is it that we don’t know much about the shooters past? Sure, the media reports they had issues, or how they obtained the guns – feeding into the frenzy of people’s emotions. After that little is revealed unless you do some research, or listen to more detailed accounts. So I would you think about this - Eric Harris and Dylan Kelbold (Columbine), had their massacre planned for a year, not a spontaneous act. They knew exactly what they were doing and how. They had made and tested bombs to ensure they would work, went target practice shooting and had a map of the school.  Eric had a diary he kept detailing his plans, and both made a videos to the countdown of April 20, 1999, the massacre. They had no intention of coming out of that school alive.  James Holmes (Aurora Theater) also had his shooting planed, his apartment was set up with so many bombs, and trip wires it took the police and bomb squad days to dismantle and get in. He had music playing that was timed to shut off at a certain time. He too had bought guns in advance. Police found letters indicating Jared Loughner had planned on shooting Arizona Rep. Gabrielle Giffords, he had met her in 2007, 4 years earlier! Seung-Hui Cho (Virginia Tech) started purchasing guns in February and March from gun dealers, then purchasing special bullets on-line. When police searched his dorm they found a note in which he criticized "rich kids", "debauchery" and "deceitful charlatans" and you stated they him to do this”. He also sent a photo of the hollow point bullets to NBC News with the caption "All the [shit] you've given me, right back at you with hollow points." He also made a video. Police concluded that he had planned this for months, after the shooting had happened in April.

I am by no means saying that gun control and mental illness are not issues we need to ignore or have a serious discussion about; it is obvious that each of these individuals had problems. But each of them also gave off clear warning signs and no one did anything until it was too late. I am not going to go into a debate about gun control or mental illness or other factors in this blog, I will say this, it is time to start placing BLAME on the PERSONS who commit this acts, and to stop with Complete and all of the blame on guns, mental illness and other factors, these people clearly knew what they were doing. When I saw the threads the last few days there were more conversations and pictures about - guns killing more people, protecting our 2nd amendment rights, mental illness, blaming parents and so on, and here and there were picture’s about the victims and remembering them.  It’s the victims we need to remember.  If we must talk about the issues that are behind the persons that commit these crimes, let’s talk about the education of gun control and mental illness. I hate to say it but none of these issues are going away, and as much as we don’t want this, it is likely this will happen again. The best we can do is start educating people, on both gun control and mental illness. Yes some stricter laws are needed, but guns will be around regardless, people will still get guns.  We as a society need to educate those around us on gun control and safety and then we need start helping people understand mental illness so people can get over their ignorance and stigma’s and realize not everyone suffering from a mental health issues are a danger to society. It’s not about taking guns away or locking people up with mental illness, it’s about helping those with problems and learning to recognize the signs of danger, reporting it, and taking the reports seriously. Regardless of the report, it is better to be safe than sorry. This is what failed in almost every situation in all of the shooters talked about above. 

As of this morning 12/23/2012, the NRA has re-affirmed their statement from Friday. Wayne LaPierre, CEO of the NRA spoke stating that arming schools and placing guards at schools was going to cut down on shootings. I am still not sure how I feel about arming teachers. LaPierre did also state that it is the criminals we need to look at, and we need to keep them off the street, also repeating getting the mentally unstable the help they need. The NRA will not support any new gun legislation, stating that the laws we have now are being enforced - Which I have to agree on that one. However, I would like to see the assaults weapons ban go back into force that expired back in 2004. Why there is an expiration on a law such as that is beyond me.... So in the New Year I am curious to see how congress and the NRA will work together. We all know that the NRA is in the politicians pockets.. If you didn't know that, it's time you woke up!

.  

You should NEVER have to defend who you are and your beliefs because of the acts of someone whose has crossed a threshold that most of us have never imagined (to commit these heinous crimes) and lose your friends in the process.

xoxo

~ Walking in the Rain, is Nothing Compared to Standing in the Eye of the Storm ~

December 14, 2012

It has been a bittersweet week for me, my 1st fantasy piece was chosen for my literary writing group. It was chosen not only for the group session review but also for publication. I put my heart and soul into writing this piece - working late, sacrificing sleep, editing and re-working to meet the deadline. It was one of the most challenging pieces of writing I have ever written. Not sure I was going to be able to do this, I confided this to a trusted adult on Monday, knowing writing was a big part of my life and I had not written anything in a while. She said to me “I heard the great writers go to their pencils, or computers and just start writing, even if they have nothing to write about. Are you giving up something you love and have a talent for? If so, what was it all for?” I responded that I still wrote in my journal. She laughed (I was a little taken aback). She looked at me again, and responded “everyone writes in a journal, those are your personal thoughts, not your talent, or are you settling for ordinary? I am disappointed in you Katy; I have never known you to give up, or settle. This is your passion, you were blessed with this, giving up would be giving in to someone you’re not.” I left angry. The more I thought about what she said, the angrier I became. Ordinary, disappointed, settle, is she serious? So I went home looking at my notebook seeing my character outline and I started writing. I didn’t stop. Soon I had over 1700 words and I wasn’t finished – guidelines clearly stated – Fantasy Story in 1000 words or less. So came the editing and re-working. But the amazing part, she was right, I just needed that push. I was not expecting anything from the group; considering I cut out so many things. As the session went up, and I received the email, it was what I needed to start writing again. At the advice and help of another friend I am working to take this to level where I can develop all of the characters and storyline. I am writing out of my element, and I am excited about it.

December 11, 2012

I went to see yet another Dr, one I had seen before (Thankfully!) One thing I like about specialists is that they take the time to listen to you, and are not pushing you out of the office in 20 minutes. After a long discussion of all the options we had exhausted to relieve one of my pain sources, I knew there was only one option left. I was not excited about the option, but we had discussed this over a year ago. I told my Dr. I had to think about it. After emailing my Dr. a dozen times, doing a ton of research and talking to a family member who had gone through the same thing. I made the decision to give the green light. Although I am not looking forward to this, it will help me in more than one way.

After getting out of the Dr. and getting in my car turning on the radio, I hear the news. As people were Christmas shopping at Clackamas Mall in Portland, OR, a man with an assault rifle opened fire, shooting over 60 rounds, killing 2 people and sending one girl to the hospital (thankfully she survived) before turning the gun on himself. All the while Christmas music was playing in the background and not far children were still telling Santa what they wanted for Christmas as the shots rang out, people were running, screaming. Employees were hiding shoppers in the back of their stores, as others ran past. There was no specific pattern; he just seemed to be shooting.

You tell me, how horrible that many of those people now associate Christmas shopping and the beautiful sounds of Christmas music with mayhem and fear? What about those children who were on Santa’s lap telling Santa their Christmas lists, and those anxiously awaiting, waiting all year, hoping they are on the nice list. Can you imagine the fear they felt when Santa jumped to the ground and their parents pulled them forcefully trying to get them to safety?  People came to the mall, trying to get their shopping done, go to work, see Santa, and meet friends. Now you have to wonder will Christmas ever be the same, because so many innocent people happened to be at the mall that day and witness an act of evil.

December 14, 2012

Yesterday morning we turned on our televisions and listened to our radios on our way to work, or maybe we got a phone telling us to turn on the TV. We watch in horror as information flooded our airwaves about the horrific, unimaginable massacre of 6 innocent adults (including the principal) and 20 children (grades k-4) at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Connecticut took place. I can't even imagine what parents all over must be feeling. Furthermore, I can't even begin to conceive what the families who live in this community are going through. As more information comes forward in the coming days, the families, community and world will grieve for their children, and loved ones. There is nothing worse than losing a loved one, especially a child. That’s what breaks my heart the most, innocent children. What did they do? Go to school; look forward to the weekend as children do, and Christmas. These poor families will spend this holiday and every milestone going forward without their precious children and loving wives, husbands, sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles, because why? What exactly was their crime?,What did these 6 adults and 20 children do to deserve this? My heart is absolutely devastated, and I cannot express the overwhelming emotions I am feeling, my heart breaks for the children and their families. I truly hope they are in a better place and I pray the families and community can find peace, as well as all the parents, grandparents and the entire world that is so affected by this tragedy who took so many innocent lives.

Here is a poem written for the victims that was posted on the FB page RIP Sandy Hook Elementary School Children, Written by M.H. 

"The world starts to fear and the tears begin to shed, the days are coming to a near, the love is dead.

 I know the pain you feel, the anger you once repelled. The hurt you wish to expel and the sorrow you adhere.

One man, two guns, and 27 lives.

 Today America weeps, Tomorrow we fear, Soon everything is for keeps And everyone seem to be a creep.

 The amount of tears that were shed today is nothing to the amount of fear that was installed in us today.

 One man, two guns, and 27 lives.

As the world starts to fear and the tears begin to shed, the days are coming to a near, the love is dead.

I feel the pain you feel. I know the love you lost. I feel the fear you gained, And the tears that we all share."

December 14, 2012 – Later

As I was working, trying to get my mind elsewhere,

My Dad came downstairs to deliver some more bad news; I lost someone very close to my Mom and me. A strong, loving woman who had a sense of humor until the end went to sleep and never woke up. She was a 3rd Grandma to my brother and I and a second Mom to my Mom. When my Mom decided to leave her parents in her small town in LeMars, Iowa and move to the big city of Denver, CO she took care of her, and was there for her and supported her unconditionally in all the decisions she made. When my Mom met my Dad, who was a bad boy from the city (my mom was a good girl from a small town), she accepted them.

She has been a tremendous influence in my life, and lead life herself that was not wasted. She has so many stories and was an independent woman. She didn’t follow society’s rules and marry young, she waited until her 30’s and believe me in her time that was unusual. Maybe I am little like her in that way. Growing up we spent a lot of time at her house and I experienced all of my first adventures and dramatic moments in life when staying with her. Being our 3rd Grandma I never knew how she would handle these “precious” moments in my life, but I was surprised, she was quite modern, maybe it was because of her independence. She even taught me a thing or two about makeup. I could talk to her about lot things I couldn’t talk to my other Grandma about who also lived in Denver (my other Grandma - her sister lived in Iowa). She alongside my Mom and Dad played a big role in helping raise my brother and me. Some of my best memories as a child were spent with her. My biggest regret is not spending more time with her before she left us to be with my Great Uncle Si.

God Bless her baked Chicken, brownies, egg salad sandwiches, scrambled eggs, and well just about anything she cooked. But that baked chicken – it died with her. I love you and will miss you always.

~Final Thoughts~

My senior year in high school, I learned about life and death, reality and petty things in life are just that, petty. I also learned that a day can start out beautiful and almost perfect and then you’re walking up the stairs laughing with your friends going to your sociology class and then everyone is in a sudden panic. You learn that there was a shooting at Columbine high school. Just like that in one instant everything changes. No one knows if their friends are dead or alive, we watched as everything unfolded that day. Waiting to hear news of people we knew. Some of did, some of us didn’t. It was one of the worst days of my life, a day I will never forget as long as I live.  

Then there are other days, realities or moments that shaped my life -

The day I found out my dad had a heart attack, and had to have to a Quadruple bypass heart surgery. I had no idea if he would make it out of surgery. Before he went in, he told me “take care of Mom and Michael”, and repeated it. Even he didn’t believe he was going to make it out. I have never been that scared, the surgery took longer than expected and then this became the worst day of my life.  

A close friend Robert committed suicide over a girl, who he was dating. She treated him like shit and got him hooked on meth. Jose and I tried to get him away from her, but meth is funny like that. I don’t it was her, I think it was Meth. One night they got in a fight and he went out to his car and shot himself. His family knew what she was and tried to get him away from her too. What really pissed me off - she had the audacity to show up at Robert’s funeral, high on meth.

Then there is Jose, my first and only love, my best friend, “my person”, the only person who knew everything about me, and never judged me. He killed himself with heroin and eventually over dosed.

No one can replace him and his death has been harder on me than anything I have ever dealt with. It’s hard to find someone who accepts you for you. Who can be both a best friend and be in love with. I am not saying everything was perfect, we had some pretty intense fights, and we had a rule to always tell each other the truth no matter how hard it was to hear. And believe me during “breaks” there was a lot of stuff that was hard to hear, but that’s what made us closer, stronger and best friends. Losing him was like losing a part of me.

My point in all of this is that any day can start out beautiful, normal, or be just a day. Every single day above that I talk about in this post started out a good day, in fact most of them were pretty damn good days. And just like that everything came crashing down.

I have been learning and practicing about living in the present, and not concentrating as much on the past or the future. Sure there are many things I will never forget, but I have to learn to accept them, a big thing called "radical acceptance". But we don’t know about tomorrow, or the next day or beyond that. 

In going through all of this I have also learned a great deal about friendship, and it is amazing to find out who will walk with you in the rain, and ride out the storm by your side. Who calls to make sure you are OK, and calls again just to be sure. It truly is people like that, who you want by your side. 

Horrible things happen in life, and most of the time we never get an answer why. And many times it’s the innocent or people that are truly good that get hurt. We can sit here and blame everyone and everything, but does that really make you feel better? Blame should be placed where blame is due, and nowhere else. As for the loved ones we lose, we can hope they are in a better place.

As for the people who are still here hurting we can be there and comfort them, be a friend. Some storms take longer to pass than others.    

xoxo

Searching

The true love of your life, does it come once in a life time? Do we know, and if we feel so inside do we try to fight for it at any cost? Your soul mate, some believe, some do not... You get one chance on this earth do you leave yourself open, or close? So many complications in love, to stay single, or live in love. Can anyone honestly answer me if they are happy in love? Is this just a fairy tail, like in the movies?
I chose once to believe in love, and he died. Everyone tells me I can't dwell on that, but how can anyone be who he was? A friend, lover, soul mate, best friend. That's hard to beat. How can you be so in love like that twice?
The weight of passion on your heart, our hearts, the heat, the feelings of never wanting to let go......... And knowing you will never hear or see that person again, my person. Do you take the chance of being alone, or do you open up to something new? The hurt deep down inside a feeling I can't express through my words knowing, only a dream in my mind of the passionate times, the fights, everything we experienced........together. All I have is my feelings, memories, letters, pictures, and thoughts.
The true love of your life, do you find it again? Right now that is only a question answered by a higher power.  Do I believe in a soul mate? I believe, he held a apart of my soul. Is there another out there that can hold another piece of my soul? Maybe. I have to admit, there is a lot to live up to. Friendship, Love, Trust, Unity. Open, close a mind set, damaged - controlled - loved - peace. Will we find the piece that we are looking for?