Crisis
refines life. In them you find out who you are.
~ Allen K. Chalmers
This piece I am sharing is
a little different, I am writing from a more personal side of myself, I
am writing from my perspective. Sharing the tribulations of my life for others
to see has never been on my writing agenda. That doesn't mean that when I write
it doesn't come from my heart (it does) and I take so much from my
emotions and personal experience when writing. I just don't write about
life events. Everything I write is very personal, and this piece is no
exception. This journey is far from over but it is the first step I need to
take in healing, as far as my writing goes.
I realize I have been
absent for quiet for some time; it’s not on purpose, if only I was too busy or
on vacation. I wish . . .
I just didn't realize that
one flash is all it takes for everything to turn around. Some people don't
realize that one second, minute, hour, or day can refine you, it can also
define you if you allow it. For me I had my moment on the night of December 18,
2012, that night changed my life dramatically, and for a while I did let it
define me along with all of my other problems.
As I drove home that
December night I was hit by a car who I later learned failed to stop at a stop
sign, the car was going approximately 50 mph. At first I had no idea what happened,
I was facing oncoming traffic looking at flashing lights – confused, as people
beside me kept asking me if I was alright.
I didn't say anything, I
couldn't. I couldn't move, talk, or blink. Somewhere or sometime I
apparently turned off my car, lights and took my keys out of the ignition. Or
maybe my car stopped on its own. I see police, fireman, and a
paramedic truck - why were they here? And a lady was screaming, "she
didn't have her lights on, she could have killed my daughter, what was she thinking".
Still I didn't move. I just sat there not talking, not blinking, and not
moving. I didn't understand what happened. Why was I facing oncoming traffic?
Why was she screaming? Why was everyone making a big deal about trying to get
me to move, asking me if I could stand? Asking if I could take
my seat belt off? The flashing red and blue lights were
almost mesmerizing to look at in the dark wet night. I close my
eyes, trying to tune out the lady screaming . . .
I cringe as I imagine
the sound of medal crunching; it's not my imagination as I start to grasp that
the crunching sound was something that had just happened, slowly images
start coming to me. It happened so fast, I don't think it was my fault -
I was driving on a busy street, 164th - no stop signs or red lights the
direction I was going. Where did it come from? I didn't even see it, where was
the car now? There was a nice man next to me (I am not sure why, but I knew he
was nice); he was talking to that other man next to me that kept asking me if I
could take my seat belt off. Is that an officer? I could hear them
talking, was he going to tell the other man what happened, they were talking
about me. I try to listen - that lady was still screaming . . . GOD
SHUT UP! They are talking about the accident now, (it was an officer),
earlier - he (the nice man) was outside taking out the trash, he notices
her immediately because she was speeding down the street, when she
didn't stop and ran right through the stop sign, he ran and looked . . . They
stop talking, again the lady . . . SHE WON'T SHUT UP!!!! I can hear a
woman telling her to shut up. A man is trying to take her away, I think it's an
officer too . . . Yes, that woman said officer something, and “she is yelling
at the woman she hit, who still is unable to get out of the car, please,
you need to take her away!" I realize the lady that hit me, was
yelling at me! I can hear people clapping as the officer takes her away, a lot
of people are clapping and I can still hear her yelling that "I could have
killed her daughter, it was my fault . . ." More people are yelling at her
to shut up. I feel nothing towards her.
Please don't be finished,
the nice man is holding onto my hand, I can feel that, this is good right?
After a few seconds the officer asks the nice man to continue, the nice man
picks up, he sounds angry - telling the officer that when the lady went to turn
left she didn't even look, running right through the stop sign as if
it wasn't there and hitting me hard. When he saw me coming he yelled
and tried to flag her down, but she didn't look. He estimated she was going
about 50 mph, the officer asked how he knew this and he explained that when she
turned her tires squealed and the impact was so loud the neighbors 6
houses down heard it, he had to watch as my car spun around once and then into
oncoming traffic. hoping no cars would come from the other direction and hit me
again. He told the officer I was wearing my seat belt, yeah . . . They
keep asking me if I could remove it. I can hear him telling the officer that I
was jerked hard and when I stopped I was not conscious. Interesting,
must be why I am so confused. My
head doesn't hurt. He watched and waited with what seemed
like forever but was actually less than 1 minute for me to stop so he could
help me. Wow it was all so fast, just like that – less than one minute,
the officer tells the nice man it took the police six minutes to get there, the
paramedics were there in four. Wow how long was I out? All I remember was
hearing the crunch . . .
Since that night it has
been an uphill battle with both my physical and mental health. I was diagnosed
with trauma to my brain, a fracture in my neck, scoliosis is my back and
chronic pain. I suffer from constant tingling and numbness, pin and needles on
my right side and in my left hand and foot. In addition to surgery and have
been hospitalized numerous times, one being for depression. Currently I am
unable to work. The hardest obstacle I have had to face is not being able to
read and write at the levels I was able to before the accident. Mainly due to
my concentration, focus and ability to retain information all in relation to
my brain injury. Everything comes across as scrambled making it harder for
me to make sense of my writing, others writing and simple items. This is
frustrating as I was reading and writing at academic levels and now I am at
elementary levels. This in addition to my chronic pain and injuries make
it nearly impossible to work, and make it even more difficult to do many of the
things I did before. There is a point where enough was enough and it was
time to get creative, after all I had a lot to be grateful for, it could have
been a lot worse. I will not lie, I will always wonder if I will be able to
achieve the same satisfaction as I did from two things I loved the most. For me
reading was a way to relieve stress, but my writing was a gateway to release my
emotions. I have other obstacles that I deal with; my injuries led my
doctors to many restrictions – which of course is in my best interest, and not
a good idea for me to engage in at this time now anyway. It is still difficult
to know that what you were capable of something one day and the next day it was
gone. Change, I have been a advocate for, but you truly don't know change
unless you are forced to change. This was my first lesson.
When I was 18 I was
diagnosed with bi-polar. I have lived with bi-polar most of my adulthood, and
have lived a very productive life. However since my accident my mental health
has taken a hit, for the first time since I was diagnosed with my mental
illness I was hospitalized. During my “extended stay” at the hospital I had to
first learn acceptance, which is to accept what was and what is. I wasn't ready
to forgive and that was ok, but I had to accept that it happened. Then I had to
learn how to deal with my pain, or a better way of looking at it would be
getting it under control. Which was a little more challenging and is still
challenging, but just getting out of bed each day is the first step. I had to
map out a plan, and my goal – simple to be able to write again. I had and have
to want it, not just say it. Acceptance and Change are big factors in the
healing process. And some days with my pain I did not want to get out of bed.
But I do, and each day I write a little more and read and it is ok that I am
reading children’s books, it’s even fun. I cannot change what happened to me,
it happened but I change what my future holds. And this piece one stone on my
path.
That is why this piece is
so very personal to me, it has taken me a few days and with a little help I am
able to share a little bit of my journey with you. I still have a long way to
go, the difference between then and now, I am no longer allowing my challenges
to define me, but to refine me and in the process I am rediscovering a new me.
Going from a crisis that changed my life to searching within my soul has taught
me that life is about the small things, yet they are not so small, they are the
moments in our lives that express our greatest fears, hopes and dreams. If we
do not take advantage of what we have before us, we may not have it tomorrow.
I still had to deal
negativity and the impact it had on my life. I had a few friends that dominated
our friendships by their attitude if their needs were not met it was an
automatic drama. It was a very one sided and controlling friendship. My goal
was to distance and eventually remove myself from these two friendships. I
found more than once I ended up getting hurt. Although there was some drama in
the beginning I no longer speak to either person and I can say I am much
happier without the drama and constant negative atmosphere that surrounded it.
Regardless, maybe the universe was trying to tell me something . . .
After my accident my social
life stopped, (well my social life outside of the dr’s office) but I didn't
expect my close friendships to stop as well. In the months directly after my
accident and my surgery I really found out who my true friends where and who
was not. There is that saying that a true friend may not like to get wet but
will accompany you through the storm. I was honestly surprised to see who cared
and who didn't. It was a big wake up call, and maybe I thought Karma for me
shunning the negative people in my life. However, I was not going to allow
people like that back into my life. I would be lying if I say it didn't hurt,
and it took some time to digest. It was one more item I had to place under my
acceptance belt in order to heal.
My doctors don’t know what
the future holds; they tell me I will most likely be in pain for the rest of my
life. As for my brain injury, I will have to work every day at improving my
memory and function. I am lucky and I am grateful. It’s the little things, the
moments that we should never take for granted. Though I lost friends I have
made some new ones as well. Crossing paths with people that I would have never
come across had this not happened, and for this I am grateful. I am a different
person than I was last year at this time, and the people I surrounded myself
with no longer share the same interests. Which is ok, another part of
acceptance of what was, and what is. Now I live for those moments, those
memories, and wait for those life lessons and I know what we should allow to define
us, not the bad. The bad we learn and grow from. It’s the good that defines us.
~ My Journey
Kates
I will leave you with
the Serenity Prayer it has helped me and
given me peace.
Grant me
the
Serenity
To accept
the things I cannot
Change
The
Courage
To change
the things I can
And the
Wisdom
To know
the Difference
