People go on through life with a smile on their face, but do you ever know what is deep down inside? Can you feel past the exterior, and see the feelings of what is behind the eyes. Some people hurt more than others, while some go through life hurting others.
"Sometimes you put up walls not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down" - sound familiar?
Why should you have to put up walls? Why should you have to deal with the pain of sometimes being alone? You are not immune. You cannot turn your feeling off like a faucet. Sometimes it is not even easy to put on a smile when you know you have to. However, life is like that sometimes.
Why is it that people feel the need to be destructive to others? What is the satisfaction in hurting a person who is supposed to be your friend? The person on the receiving end, do they ever really recover?
Little by little, the hole in their heart grows a little deeper, and their self-esteem drops. Loneliness and seclusion seem to be a viable option for the person. Depression sets in and thoughts invade their mind of ending it all…..
Why? Because of the hurt a person can cause, the walls a friend who is supposed to be a friend made you put up.
So yes, many of us can walk around with smiles on our faces, a mask worn to hide the hurt deep down inside, but many of us have walls built high around our hearts, to protect the damage that has been done.
“You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you don not want to feel” – especially pain. This seems to overtake the happiness at times.
Final words – “In this world full of pain and sorrow, maybe once in a lifetime, you’ll find someone who will make you feel wonderful. Hang on to that someone no matter what!”
~
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Monday, December 6, 2010
Food for Thought - Mind Boggling Night
How much do we really know about what really goes on inside the minds of us? I have been thinking so much lately, and pondering happiness, and my future. Do I really want to walk in my graduation ceremony? The theories of Human nature can be extrinsic, yet necessary.
Take for example Rene Descartes, you may recognize him from his famous quote "I think therefore I am" Descartes argued that a human being is essentially a thing that thinks. The soul can exist without a body, not to far off if you believe that your soul goes to heaven after you die. Descartes went through a series of meditations, being awake, yet asleep and not known the realm between the two, to prove the existence of God. Some thought this was crazy at the time, and keep in mind it was at a time in history when God was in question with some philosophers. or rather an existence. of a higher power. Descartes relied on his senses and was certain that he was awake and not asleep when encountering God and concluded God was not a deceiver, completely free from error. However Descartes acknowledges the weakness of our nature. Food for thought...
Meditate at sunset. It will draw out the darker emotions and stresses, as you feel the warmth fall from your face and slide into the horizon.
Looking on the writings on Karl Marx, who in my opinion is greatly misunderstood. Communism, is greatly misunderstood. People talk today about how we are headed for a Marxis society - It would be a socialist society, but the truth of the matter is, if Mr. Marx saw what is happening today he would be rolling over in his grave. Communism is not about dictatorship, which many people associate it with, China, Cuba, Stalin, and Lennon. Yes they did have idea's of Karl Marx, However, communism is not a dictatorship. Karl Marx vision was for a workers utopia. True Communism is in which there is not a state and no vestige of property, in which human beings realize their genuine social nature. Marx was against capitalism, believing it created artificial human needs in order to sell products and profit from other human needs, going unfilled. Capitalism places value on what a human has rather that what he/she is. - Get it, not so bad. Although dictators used this to their advantage, taking the profit of the people, not allowing them their share but taking it for themselves, causing currency to be paid to them, instead of the trading and sharing that should have been going to the people. This is why communism has a bad reputation. I am not saying that communism would work, but Karl Marx's idea's were not the intentions of the evil that spawned. - Something to further research. Also Fredric Engels was a great friend and confident to Karl Marx, interesting guy, he wrote many of Marx's books as Marx was not a writer, if you ever pick up his books you will see what I mean :)
History calls those men the greatest who have ennobled themselves by working for the common good; experience acclaims as happiest the man who has made the greatest number of people happy. - Karl Marx (1837)
I leave you with some things I need to practice
Listening -
Effective listening is more than simply avoiding the bad habit of interrupting others while they are speaking or finishing their sentences. It's being content to listen to the entire thought of someone rather than waiting impatiently for your chance to respond. We often treat communication as if it were a race.
Choose your Battle Wisely
It's suggested that life is filled with opportunities to choose between making a big deal out of something or simply letting it go, realizing it doesn't really matter. If you choose your battles wisely, you'll be far more effective in winning those that are truly important. There is so much frustration in living the type of life that you lose track of what is truly relevant. Life is rarely exactly what we want it to be - so let us make what we can in the time we have here, we don't know when that time is gone.
One more thing -
Within Stillness there is great beauty. Inner beauty comes from great stillness
Good night
Resources
Theories of Human Nature
Classic and Contemporary Readings
Donald C. Abel
Take for example Rene Descartes, you may recognize him from his famous quote "I think therefore I am" Descartes argued that a human being is essentially a thing that thinks. The soul can exist without a body, not to far off if you believe that your soul goes to heaven after you die. Descartes went through a series of meditations, being awake, yet asleep and not known the realm between the two, to prove the existence of God. Some thought this was crazy at the time, and keep in mind it was at a time in history when God was in question with some philosophers. or rather an existence. of a higher power. Descartes relied on his senses and was certain that he was awake and not asleep when encountering God and concluded God was not a deceiver, completely free from error. However Descartes acknowledges the weakness of our nature. Food for thought...
Meditate at sunset. It will draw out the darker emotions and stresses, as you feel the warmth fall from your face and slide into the horizon.
Looking on the writings on Karl Marx, who in my opinion is greatly misunderstood. Communism, is greatly misunderstood. People talk today about how we are headed for a Marxis society - It would be a socialist society, but the truth of the matter is, if Mr. Marx saw what is happening today he would be rolling over in his grave. Communism is not about dictatorship, which many people associate it with, China, Cuba, Stalin, and Lennon. Yes they did have idea's of Karl Marx, However, communism is not a dictatorship. Karl Marx vision was for a workers utopia. True Communism is in which there is not a state and no vestige of property, in which human beings realize their genuine social nature. Marx was against capitalism, believing it created artificial human needs in order to sell products and profit from other human needs, going unfilled. Capitalism places value on what a human has rather that what he/she is. - Get it, not so bad. Although dictators used this to their advantage, taking the profit of the people, not allowing them their share but taking it for themselves, causing currency to be paid to them, instead of the trading and sharing that should have been going to the people. This is why communism has a bad reputation. I am not saying that communism would work, but Karl Marx's idea's were not the intentions of the evil that spawned. - Something to further research. Also Fredric Engels was a great friend and confident to Karl Marx, interesting guy, he wrote many of Marx's books as Marx was not a writer, if you ever pick up his books you will see what I mean :)
History calls those men the greatest who have ennobled themselves by working for the common good; experience acclaims as happiest the man who has made the greatest number of people happy. - Karl Marx (1837)
I leave you with some things I need to practice
Listening -
Effective listening is more than simply avoiding the bad habit of interrupting others while they are speaking or finishing their sentences. It's being content to listen to the entire thought of someone rather than waiting impatiently for your chance to respond. We often treat communication as if it were a race.
Choose your Battle Wisely
It's suggested that life is filled with opportunities to choose between making a big deal out of something or simply letting it go, realizing it doesn't really matter. If you choose your battles wisely, you'll be far more effective in winning those that are truly important. There is so much frustration in living the type of life that you lose track of what is truly relevant. Life is rarely exactly what we want it to be - so let us make what we can in the time we have here, we don't know when that time is gone.
One more thing -
Within Stillness there is great beauty. Inner beauty comes from great stillness
Good night
Resources
Theories of Human Nature
Classic and Contemporary Readings
Donald C. Abel
Thursday, November 18, 2010
November 8, 2009 - Soul Shattered
November 8, 2009 will be a day in my life that took a part of my soul, even though I would not know about it until over a year later. In fact 1 year and 2 days to be exact. November 10, 2010 is the day I found out the news that shattered my soul and a part of me died along with the person who held apart of my soul. JRM my only love was taken from the earth from a heroin overdose, exactly one month shy of his 29th birthday and exactly 1 year after he moved back to Colorado from California.
The day I found out I was dreaming about him and I woke up and looked at my phone as I do when I always wake up and I had a friend request on FB from his sister. It was early in the morning and I thought I was still dreaming. It had been a while since I had heard from either one of them. I went back to sleep. I woke again, sat up straight and looked at my phone and no it wasn't a dream, she really did request my friendship.
In my heart, I knew something had happened a long time ago. We have never gone this long without talking, and we ALWAYS talked to each other on our birthdays. I did not hear from him on his birthday in 2009, nor did I hear from him on my birthday last April. I knew in my heart. Is that weird, I mean could I have had some type of premonition? We always had this connection. He knew me, I knew him. We had that connection that we didn’t have to say much we just knew what the other was thinking before the other said anything.
Now he is gone, I didn’t get to say goodbye. I will never get to hear him laugh. God that infectious laugh. I miss him so much it hurts. He was that person that when you hug you fit perfectly together, there was no adjustment to get comfortable. We just fit, like one person.
I have been talking to his sister and it is great, I miss her too. I have known her since she was twelve. She is 22 now. Wow. I need to go back to Denver; I need to see his Mom and his sister.
My heart is devastated; a piece of me is gone. I know we have not been together for a long time, but we were still close, he was my best friend, he always held apart of my soul and always will.
So many people said he was not the same person, that may be true, but when I talked to him, when he poured his heart out to me in his letters, he was still the same person to me. He never changed toward me. And so many people are surprised at everything that I know; I guess they really didn’t know how close we were. That’s ok, he will always be in my heart forever. I will never forget the person, he was, how much he loved, how big his heart was, how he protected me. I also can’t forget the bad, because there was bad, but I am not going to remember him for that. He was good, and I know he is in heaven with angels. I hope he knows how much I loved/love him and that I will never forget him and that he will always hold apart of my soul. November 8, will always be a day that took away one of the most precious things on this earth. You will be missed
Xoxo
The day I found out I was dreaming about him and I woke up and looked at my phone as I do when I always wake up and I had a friend request on FB from his sister. It was early in the morning and I thought I was still dreaming. It had been a while since I had heard from either one of them. I went back to sleep. I woke again, sat up straight and looked at my phone and no it wasn't a dream, she really did request my friendship.
In my heart, I knew something had happened a long time ago. We have never gone this long without talking, and we ALWAYS talked to each other on our birthdays. I did not hear from him on his birthday in 2009, nor did I hear from him on my birthday last April. I knew in my heart. Is that weird, I mean could I have had some type of premonition? We always had this connection. He knew me, I knew him. We had that connection that we didn’t have to say much we just knew what the other was thinking before the other said anything.
Now he is gone, I didn’t get to say goodbye. I will never get to hear him laugh. God that infectious laugh. I miss him so much it hurts. He was that person that when you hug you fit perfectly together, there was no adjustment to get comfortable. We just fit, like one person.
I have been talking to his sister and it is great, I miss her too. I have known her since she was twelve. She is 22 now. Wow. I need to go back to Denver; I need to see his Mom and his sister.
My heart is devastated; a piece of me is gone. I know we have not been together for a long time, but we were still close, he was my best friend, he always held apart of my soul and always will.
So many people said he was not the same person, that may be true, but when I talked to him, when he poured his heart out to me in his letters, he was still the same person to me. He never changed toward me. And so many people are surprised at everything that I know; I guess they really didn’t know how close we were. That’s ok, he will always be in my heart forever. I will never forget the person, he was, how much he loved, how big his heart was, how he protected me. I also can’t forget the bad, because there was bad, but I am not going to remember him for that. He was good, and I know he is in heaven with angels. I hope he knows how much I loved/love him and that I will never forget him and that he will always hold apart of my soul. November 8, will always be a day that took away one of the most precious things on this earth. You will be missed
Xoxo
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
For the Decisions we Make and the ones we Trust
Everyday we must make decisions, decisions that will impact our life. Who do we talk too? Who will listen? Who are the people telling us to make those decisions? Living in a world of oblivion, not understanding yourself and not having anyone who understands you enough to give you sound advise on decisions is a hardship. Who do we trust? Who do we trust enough to make the decisions that impact our life enough to make them too. We don't.... It's hard when you make a decision to live a life to yourself, when you choose you live a life where you let no one in, or did you choose that?
When you have no one there to help you make the decisions of your life, you must be doing something wrong. Instead of listening, you have some criticizing. I guess when you choose a life alone you can't expect anything less.
One day I hope to allow myself to let someone in the help me make the decisions that will help me in my life, so I am not the only one making them, sometimes I am not sure if I am making the right ones for me, and a little advice or a ear to listen would be nice.
When you have no one there to help you make the decisions of your life, you must be doing something wrong. Instead of listening, you have some criticizing. I guess when you choose a life alone you can't expect anything less.
One day I hope to allow myself to let someone in the help me make the decisions that will help me in my life, so I am not the only one making them, sometimes I am not sure if I am making the right ones for me, and a little advice or a ear to listen would be nice.
Monday, November 2, 2009
Alone
I sit alone, night after night,convincing myself that I have to study and that I am absorbed in work. But the truth is I am alone. I have friends but I find reasons not to see them, or they turn out to be psycho. One or the other. The ones I care about hurt me and I have to cut them out of my life instead of letting them know that they hurt me. But isn't that the best way? Push everyone away so you don't get hurt? That's how I have been for the last 4 years. I had a few good friends in there at one time, but in one way or another they hurt me. One in particular. Just recently I wrote a paper on this person and how they have inspired me, but it was just a dream, more like how I wished they had inspired me. I live in a fantasy land, wanting what I can't have, wishing I had more. People tell me I have such potential that I am going places, that I am so smart,and pretty. So why can't I see that? Why can't I be that person that so many people see? What I have done to be hurt so many times that I am numb to the pain, that I can just cut someone off and not even think about it anymore? I have become someone that I never wanted to be. alone. Alone to the world and to myself. I don't know the meaning of true friendship anymore, I don't know what it's like to have someone to talk to about my feelings and I don't know who to go to when I am scared. Alone.... thats what I am
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
To Me
You meet someone you date pretty seriously for about 2 years then they move, and you are crushed. They helped you through a few hard spots in your life and were your best friend for a long time. Then they get a great job offer somewhere south and off they go. You cry, you feel miserable, but day by day the pain eases and you move back into the real world. You even start dating again. Wow it seems as if you are finally moving on. Wait...... just kidding...... That person won't stop calling you and now all the sudden it's I love you and I miss you and I hate it here where I live. They keep coming back and back and BACK.... the cycle is never ending. They pull you along, enough to make you just not get over them and then they say stuff that makes you think..... One Day Maybe.....Then they tell you the weekend they are supposed to come out to visit (a visit that you two have had planned for a long time) that they are dating someone.... Again you are crushed..... But you get over it. You move on, you even meet someone yourself. Then once again, guess what...... THEY'RE BACK!!!!!! The same old shit. No longer dating someone, missing you, missing Portland, missing everything that they can no longer have. So what do you do? Isn't enough, enough.... How much longer can you take this bullshit, this leading by a leash, the maybe's the I don't knows, the I love u one day and the next I am out.... WHAT THE FUCK EVER. You should be over it, how much heartbreak can one person take? I'll tell you, enough that you'll still keep putting up with it. Until you put a stop to it, it's going to continue. ON and ON and ON. When one person cannot make up their mind the other person suffers for it, of course they are stupid for sticking around long enough to deal with it. But what ever. I guess you'll never get over it until your ready and that just may mean to push that person out of your life, maybe not forever but for a while. Give your heart some time to heal. Move on......
Food for thought.
Food for thought.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Fast Lane
At this very moment in time I don't think I have ever been this stressed out in my life. I am moving this weekend, I have a class that is incredibly hard I have a new class I was accepted into on Monday nights (kinda a psychology class) and I have been up every night until 12am just to get my homework done. Midnight might not seem late to you but I get up at 3:30am to be to work at 5, so midnight is very late for me. I try to sleep on my lunch breaks, and that's most of the sleep I get. I write because I feel like I can't talk to anyone about this, they just don't understand. But my life just might run over me right now. I do not think I can keep up. At the rate I am going I am going to go off the deep end. Then there is that small problem I am having wit my meds. They are making my body out of whack. So there is a possibility I may have to go off of them. That would not be good. I wouldn't be able to work or finish school....... SCARY THOUGHT! I still don't feel better after writing this, but I am sure a bottle of jack and a bunch of sleeping pills will clear it up for tonight. Good Thought!
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