Question from the Heart

We ask ourselves questions everyday. What could I have done to make things better? How could I have altered the situation? Why didn’t I spend more time with that person, why didn’t I try harder? If we ask ourselves these questions they tend to make us crazy, make us feel worse than we already do.

I ask myself all the time, what is wrong with me? Why can’t I be the person that everyone wants me to be? Why can’t I make it work? You know it is driving me crazy. I can’t help who I am, and I can’t help what my past has done to me. Unfortunately it has made me a harder person, yes I say harder. I close people off, don’t let them in, and shy away from closeness and love, even though it’s one of things that I want more than anything.

Why you might ask. It’s because I am scared, plain and simple. There is no way to simply understand this and there is no simple way for me to explain it. Experiences tend to take on a toll on a person, and how we choose to unitize them is our choice. Some of us take them and learn, others take them and run. Some of us hide behind the pain and close ourselves off from the one’s that care. I have to admit I am this way. So I write. I let people read, sometimes. My therapy is my writing. For me it is the only to look at my issues with an open mind, to heal my heart and to understand why I may be feeling this way.

I am scared everyday, I feel pain everyday, and I feel my life is not fair everyday. Then I look deep inside and know that I am a good person and I deserve only the best. That many people out there have it much worse than I do, and there is someone out there going through something that is going to completely alter their life.

My life is not so bad, my choices have not been the best, but I am trying to change that. I try to surround myself with people who genuinely care and don’t use me as a convenience. It is hard for me to trust and it is even harder for me to keep that trust in a person. I am trying and that is all I can do for now. As for the questions that I continue to ask myself everyday, the questions that make me feel bad, I just have to remember the good that is inside of me, the good that comes out everyday, even if I don’t always show it. There is a person, buried deep in my heart that is yearning to be born again. I am just not sure when I will be ready to let that person come to life. My heart is still healing and my confidence is still trying… For now all I can do is hope and pray. One day, I will be whole again.

© 2007 The Random Writings Of Me... Kates

Once again Thoughts, NO Baby MADNESS!!!

I have one question..... When the hell did we grow up and what happened to my youth??? Did I miss something along the way? When did I leave Never, Never land? It is going around, it is contagious, many people are catching it... YES... DA DA DUN.... It's the BABY BUG!!!!! AAAAWWWWWEEEE....... WHOOOO.... DO NOT GET THE WRONG idea, I am in no way ready to be a mom. However all my friends around me are all expecting..... When did this happen? Are we really growing up, getting married and having kids? What happened to being a kid... I think that time has passed..... I am sad, really I am. I am not ready to grow up, I am not ready to settle down, I am really not ready to be a mommy...
So I am not going to be, at least not for a long while. I do wish all my friends the best, and I love them dearly, but I think I will stick to being Aunt Katy for a while.
Need a baby sitter I am all about it, need to take the kiddies to the Zoo, call me up! Want to go baby shopping, I love to shop, but then at the end of the day I will go back to my single life and pursue my dream, my true love, my writing....
At this time I am too selfish to be in the land of soccer mom's and play dates, bottles and diapers. I DO NOT WANT AN SUV! I want a sporty car and a condo downtown, I do not want a yard or a white picket fence..... Not yet anyway... I want to travel (when I get over my fear of flying, which needs to be soon as my brother and I are talking about a trip to Europe next summer) I want to live on the East coast, at least for a year, Hell I still haven't been to Vegas..... and I AM 26!!!! I need to fix that...
So you see, I am just not ready.
I love my sexy red headed soccer mom to be, and my little dizzle and you girls know I am here for you ALWAYS!!!!
For right now, I think I will stick to my life of the unknown, I kinda like it that way. I like being able to plan things spur of the moment and not ask permission, I like to think that I can pick up and move at anytime, and hell if I feel like staying out all night I CAN!!!
This has been on my mind, as the baby bug is going around.... I have not caught the bug. Therefore I am no longer drinking the water at work, I really think it has something to do with all the new mommy's to be :) No really I do.
I hope my mommy's to be do not take offense to this blog, because I really do love you dearly and I am here for you.
Just wanted to post my personal thoughts on the matter concerning ME! Just so we are clear, I do not want to be sent home with a gift basket of KY Jelly and Pregnancy tests, I think a box of condoms and birth control is more my style, RIGHT MEL..... lol
I am not next, not for a while. In the mean time I will love watching you guys raise your precious one's and when the time comes (if ever) I will need your help and advice.... First I want my sports car and condo in Seattle or my Flat in New York....
Xoxo