In my last blog I mentioned meeting someone, someone who finally broke down my barrier. I dated this person for a little while and then broke things off to get my-self together. Hey what can I say I was going through an emotional time and he was not making things easy for me. To be fair here my judgment may have been a little clouded by my emotional mind-frame at the time.
As great as he may be sometimes, his immaturity got to me, and some of his comments were just mean. I guess I can't understand why, if you care about someone so much do you have to be disrespectful at times? So I will have to put him at 90% great, 10% asshole. Even as I read this I am thinking, was it really the right thing to push him away? I mean, everyone has their faults right? I know I am in no way perfect. So then why do I insist on dating the perfect person?
Well , cutting him out of my life at that time was the right thing to do, how was I going to deal with problems I had with him if I couldn't even deal with my own problems. As much as it hurt to not have him there I had to get my thoughts and priority's straight.
Well he has been pretty persistent in not being cut out of my life, which makes me think, that hey he does care. We have recently been talking and trying things out again. I am scared, scared of my feelings and getting hurt, but i suppose that I will never know unless I try. We had a long talk and I was honest with him about my concerns and feelings, and I have to admit I was a little surprised buy his as well. He was honest in telling me that I hurt him buy shutting him out the way I did, however he does understand why I had to do what I did.
Seeing him again brought back so many feelings and emotions, and I realized how much I missed him. At the same time I remember why I got so angry at him. Many of my friends are not so happy about me talking to him again, but what can I say, I have to follow my heart. He is not a bad guy, just a little emotionally turned off at times. Again everyone has their faults. My decision here has to be, Do I want to deal with them and except them? More importantly can he do the same for me.
I think to myself that enough time has passed, we both have had some time to think about things and possibly try to work this out. I am having a hard time deciding what to do here, and maybe I am over analyzing the situation. I truley know he cares, but is this what I want? I guess this is something I am going to have to figure out for myself here.
This is a random journal of my life. The good, the bad, and the absolute craziness of ME!
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Emotional Outburst
Lately everything seems to be going good for me, I have decided to go back to school, I am volunteering and writing a lot. All things I love to do! For quite a long time I felt like I had lost my direction in life. I moved here to Washington from Denver about 2 years ago, it was time to start anew. I needed to re-group and get myself together. I was born and raised in Denver, but there were too many painful and bad memories there.
I have told myself a million times, you can not run from your problems, you have to face them head on. Well I thought that by moving I could clear my head and force myself to look at my life in a different light. I would have time to heal and focus on what was important to me. I felt that getting away would solve everything.
When I first moved here, I did a whole lot of nothing. I became a different person. I was suddenly not comfortable in my skin anymore, I was no longer the confident person that I once saw myself as. I closed myself off to people and became comfortable in doing so, I put up a barrier that was almost impossible to break down. It took me a very long time to make 1 friend and then trusting them, well that was out of the question. I came to the conclusion that it was easier this way. Why let someone in if they will just hurt you.
I know, I know, this was not a healthy was of thinking, and I will admit I did demonstrate some destructive behaviors during this time. Now looking back I realize I was in no way dealing with my problems, I was pushing them down. pretending they didn't exist, denial..... My whole thought process was, no one here knows me, they have no idea, so I can be anyone I want to be. Yeah not so much.....
Well as I was going through this phase I happened to meet someone, someone who did finally break down my barrier. Someone who cared enough about me to stay around and get to know me. Well let me be the first to admit, I was not sure how I felt about this. It had been so long since I have let someone in, i wasn't exactly sure how to do it. As I said before, I was a different person. Opening up to someone suddenly was so difficult for me. I had become a very to myself person, and communicating was not something I was great at. So once again I had to re-evaluate my self.
This was the hardest thing for me. Not only am I a different person, but I suddenly realized I am not the person I want to be. So yes, I had a nervous breakdown (almost) haha. I was so emotional, crying, not sleeping, i have never been that uncomfortable in my life. I decided it was time to deal with what was going on in my head. I had to deal with it myself.
It has been 6 months since I have started down my new path, slowly I am becoming the person that I know I am capable of being. I have learned that denying your problems will only make things worse, and that is no way to go through life. I still have a lot to work on, but then again dealing with issues that have affected your life for almost 15 years is not something you are going to get over in 6 months. Lately I do feel as if I have cleared my head, and am looking at life in a different light. I see a future and am excited about this!
I have told myself a million times, you can not run from your problems, you have to face them head on. Well I thought that by moving I could clear my head and force myself to look at my life in a different light. I would have time to heal and focus on what was important to me. I felt that getting away would solve everything.
When I first moved here, I did a whole lot of nothing. I became a different person. I was suddenly not comfortable in my skin anymore, I was no longer the confident person that I once saw myself as. I closed myself off to people and became comfortable in doing so, I put up a barrier that was almost impossible to break down. It took me a very long time to make 1 friend and then trusting them, well that was out of the question. I came to the conclusion that it was easier this way. Why let someone in if they will just hurt you.
I know, I know, this was not a healthy was of thinking, and I will admit I did demonstrate some destructive behaviors during this time. Now looking back I realize I was in no way dealing with my problems, I was pushing them down. pretending they didn't exist, denial..... My whole thought process was, no one here knows me, they have no idea, so I can be anyone I want to be. Yeah not so much.....
Well as I was going through this phase I happened to meet someone, someone who did finally break down my barrier. Someone who cared enough about me to stay around and get to know me. Well let me be the first to admit, I was not sure how I felt about this. It had been so long since I have let someone in, i wasn't exactly sure how to do it. As I said before, I was a different person. Opening up to someone suddenly was so difficult for me. I had become a very to myself person, and communicating was not something I was great at. So once again I had to re-evaluate my self.
This was the hardest thing for me. Not only am I a different person, but I suddenly realized I am not the person I want to be. So yes, I had a nervous breakdown (almost) haha. I was so emotional, crying, not sleeping, i have never been that uncomfortable in my life. I decided it was time to deal with what was going on in my head. I had to deal with it myself.
It has been 6 months since I have started down my new path, slowly I am becoming the person that I know I am capable of being. I have learned that denying your problems will only make things worse, and that is no way to go through life. I still have a lot to work on, but then again dealing with issues that have affected your life for almost 15 years is not something you are going to get over in 6 months. Lately I do feel as if I have cleared my head, and am looking at life in a different light. I see a future and am excited about this!
Where The Side Walk Ends
There is a place where the sidewalk ends
And before the street begins,
And there the grass grows soft and white,
And there the sun burns crimson bright,
And there the moon-bird rests from his flight
To cool in the peppermint wind.
Let us leave this place where the smoke blows black
And the dark street winds and bends.
Past the pits where the asphalt flowers grow
We shall walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And watch where the chalk white arrows go
To the place where the sidewalk ends.
Yes we'll walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And we'll go where the chalk white arrows go,
For the children, they mark, and the children, they know
The place where the sidewalk ends.
- Shel Silverstein
This one of my favorite poems, just wanted to share!
And before the street begins,
And there the grass grows soft and white,
And there the sun burns crimson bright,
And there the moon-bird rests from his flight
To cool in the peppermint wind.
Let us leave this place where the smoke blows black
And the dark street winds and bends.
Past the pits where the asphalt flowers grow
We shall walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And watch where the chalk white arrows go
To the place where the sidewalk ends.
Yes we'll walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And we'll go where the chalk white arrows go,
For the children, they mark, and the children, they know
The place where the sidewalk ends.
- Shel Silverstein
This one of my favorite poems, just wanted to share!
Welcome to My World!
Hello! I recently engaged myself in this whole new world of blogging and have found it quite theraputic, so yes, I decided to add a second blog! There are so many things I enjoy writing about that I am starting to realize that I have to seperate what I am writing about! Crazy as this may sound I am going to use this second blog as kind of a journal for myself. However don't be surprised if I throw in something totally off the wall..... Sometimes this is what I do best!
So a little about me, I am almost 26, female and about to embark on a new beginning in my life! I am a late bloomer as they might say. I just recently figured out, or at least narrowed it down to what I am going to make of my life. Yes I know I hear it all the time, I am so young, I have time. Well lately I feel that I am running out of time. But then again I don't regret any thing in my life so far. It has been one hell of a ride, a ride that I believe has made me grow up a lot faster than I would have liked. But as they say "what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger"
So on to my discovery about my future, i have decided to finish school, and do what I want to do! Yes I am going to try my hand at writing. Now I don't really have an interest in writing for a newspaper or be a reporter. I would like to do research writing, like for National Geographic or Time Magazine. I know that it may not make me a lot of money, but I know it will make me happy! To me that is more important than anything else!
So this is my beginning to my second blog. I am planning random writings here!
So a little about me, I am almost 26, female and about to embark on a new beginning in my life! I am a late bloomer as they might say. I just recently figured out, or at least narrowed it down to what I am going to make of my life. Yes I know I hear it all the time, I am so young, I have time. Well lately I feel that I am running out of time. But then again I don't regret any thing in my life so far. It has been one hell of a ride, a ride that I believe has made me grow up a lot faster than I would have liked. But as they say "what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger"
So on to my discovery about my future, i have decided to finish school, and do what I want to do! Yes I am going to try my hand at writing. Now I don't really have an interest in writing for a newspaper or be a reporter. I would like to do research writing, like for National Geographic or Time Magazine. I know that it may not make me a lot of money, but I know it will make me happy! To me that is more important than anything else!
So this is my beginning to my second blog. I am planning random writings here!
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