Searching

The true love of your life, does it come once in a life time? Do we know, and if we feel so inside do we try to fight for it at any cost? Your soul mate, some believe, some do not... You get one chance on this earth do you leave yourself open, or close? So many complications in love, to stay single, or live in love. Can anyone honestly answer me if they are happy in love? Is this just a fairy tail, like in the movies?
I chose once to believe in love, and he died. Everyone tells me I can't dwell on that, but how can anyone be who he was? A friend, lover, soul mate, best friend. That's hard to beat. How can you be so in love like that twice?
The weight of passion on your heart, our hearts, the heat, the feelings of never wanting to let go......... And knowing you will never hear or see that person again, my person. Do you take the chance of being alone, or do you open up to something new? The hurt deep down inside a feeling I can't express through my words knowing, only a dream in my mind of the passionate times, the fights, everything we experienced........together. All I have is my feelings, memories, letters, pictures, and thoughts.
The true love of your life, do you find it again? Right now that is only a question answered by a higher power.  Do I believe in a soul mate? I believe, he held a apart of my soul. Is there another out there that can hold another piece of my soul? Maybe. I have to admit, there is a lot to live up to. Friendship, Love, Trust, Unity. Open, close a mind set, damaged - controlled - loved - peace. Will we find the piece that we are looking for?

Friend/Enemies

Where do you draw the line? What is a good friend and a bad friend? Is there not some rule about not hooking up with the others hookup? Especially if they were dating? WOW! Small town - small people, gossip, and a lot of fucked up! You leave the big city to try to start over and it's all the same drama TIMES 10, because in a small town EVERYTHING is dramatized! I am over it! I have some job offers down south and I considering it. I just want out. I need to get out of here.  FRESH START-NEW............... We all feel that way. My friends are back in Denver, here they are all friend-enemies. I don't know if I will ever find the friends I have in Denver.   Maybe it's my fault. trust. damaged. so out of here. When the time is right I will put myself out there again. And I did twice. Well............ 3 times Once the guy fucked up, 2nd time he's moving (no fault) -3rd friend hooking up with fucked up guy after she told me how fucked up he was.............. OK my peace is said............. trust is done! It's complicated, and frankly my dear I don't have time for complicated!
xoxo

Crazy Days of the Single Life

When you go out with your girls, you get all dolled up, ready to hit the town, and you would think that some (most) guys would have respect. OK I am speaking from a point of view here of not being a slutty, so when I say getting all dolled up, I mean classy - not trashy :). There is a point of flirty and to far. But how far is to far? Guy meets girl - girl meets guy.... You know the rest. You sit down and a guy comes up to you, you are expecting a "Hi my name is.... What are you up to tonight?" No instead you get a "Do want to put your hand on my D*%*"... WTF??? Is that even appropriate? Out of the blue HELLO!!!! Again case in point - to far.
So on to the next, your on the dance floor dancing with your girl and a guy comes up to you and is ALL over you. PDA to the MAX... NOT OK! I mean come on are we in high school? I am in my 30's, as is my friend (well close), and I am not your girlfriend. So if your want to dance with me, cool, but don't put your hands on me like your petting a dog. Seriously, who taught you manners? Would you treat your mom like that? Next time  you see me and wonder why I gave you a wrong number you will know. I'm not your girlfriend, so if we dance once and your all over me, and then act like i'm yours for the rest of the night - um NO! Get over it!
Another hint, if you see me making up excuses to get away, let it go - NOT interested!
Then must I mention all the assholes out there, that think they are just to good for their own good. I mean really, do you honestly think that sitting in a corner looking out at the rest of the world with this look that says "Hey I'm the shit" - when ya, your really not. Try getting a different hair cut, oh yeah and a different shirt. And did I mention that the crowd you run with is not intimidating. I'm from Denver bitch, believe me my friends back home are more intimidating. Asshole will be assholes, no matter which way you swing it. In a small town it's funny how many I have met, but I guess with it being such a small town the chances are that much greater.
The games are played, the players are playing and I don't speak guy :). I just love it how they think they are the only ones that are in control. Yet do they speak girl?
There are so many situations that play out in the singles crowd, and it's better not to get emotions involved. Why hate a player, when you play the game yourself?
<3

On Cloud Nine :)

Feelings in life change like hot and cold. One minute you see yourself on the sidelines and the next minute someone walks into your life that changes everything. It's a scary thought to think that one moment can send a tingle down your spine, send you into thoughts that fog your mind. You can relish in the moment, because you have not felt this way in a long time. Or do you put your wall up? A little bit of both maybe? 

When you have butterflies in your stomach and you find yourself daydreaming, it’s hard to keep your mind in check and balance your heart at the same time.

You will never know what will happen in the future, and not taking a risk is the wrong thing to do. I mean two weeks ago I had a completely different outlook on dating, and putting myself out there, and I am still a little hesitant, but you cannot control the way you feel. You cannot control when someone just walks right in and sweeps you off your feet. Life tends to happen that way.

Right now I think I am going to go with the flow, I am in a great place in my life and I think that this may be a turning point. Complete turnaround in two weeks. <3 

Toxic Craziness

There comes a point in a relationship when it becomes toxic. A point where you just need to shut it down. At this point I can't say I am surprised, I mean you open up to someone after a long period of shutting people out, and at the end of the day it is you who ends up getting hurt. I take full responsibility for this happening. I allowed myself to trust, when there was a part of my mind that was giving red flags. But as time passes you by in life you allow yourself to hope. To want, to long for that someone who cares back.
I often think back to the only person I have ever loved and wonder if I will ever find that kind of passion and compatibility again. The kind of relationship where there was more than just love, but also a strong friendship, and bond. I am starting to wonder if that is something you only find once.
When things become toxic, a craziness comes out and this is not something I am proud of. I know that it is an indication that I care, but why should that have to come out if that person was good, if that person cared back. Things that were said by this person about me, were just to much and I lost it. I know it's time to shut it down, cut this person out of my life. I don't want to be that person who is crazy, but I also know that I don't deserve to be treated that way either. Again I take responsibility for my behavior, and it takes a lot to get me to that point. Now once again my walls are going up and I think that maybe I prefer it that way. At least for right now.
For three years I did not allow myself to care about anyone in a romantic way, I avoided dating, of even having to deal with the fact that I might get hurt. But in those three years, I also learned some things about myself and understood that the right thing to do is take care of yourself first. I have let my last two relationships become toxic, to the point where it was emotionally draining, I allowed both of those people to walk all over me, treat me with disrespect, and I didn't do a damn thing about it, but sit there and take it. I felt that being with that person was more important than my self respect. But that is not me anymore, and I started to see that person coming back and it scared me. The toxic craziness, I will never allow myself to be put in that situation again.
I can not allow a person dictate my feelings or allow myself to get so upset that it throws me off. If that other person is not good for me, there is no point in wasting my time in developing feelings for that person.
Tonight I am sitting here writing this, and I have this tiny ache in my heart. I let my emotions get crazy for a person who hurt me, and had no qualms about doing it. He tossed my feelings aside and said hurtful things that I would not even say to my enemy.
Love for me is going to be a challenge, even after the three years I spent alone, learning to love myself, building my self esteem up and preparing to allow myself to trust. I still have a lot to learn and after what happened my heart is hurt. I am not sure where to put myself out there. As for now, I just want to sit on the sidelines and allow myself to heal.
Craziness and Love should they go together? Yes, if your crazy in love.

Going from One to the Other

So I wrote about this subject back in January, and have a few more thoughts on the subject. As I was re-reading the "rules" I have to think to myself about feelings not getting involved. Hypothetical situation here, if two people have been "hooking up" for some time now and words are being said here and there that indicate feelings for one another, when does this no longer become "hooking up", "booty call", or whatever it is? One person tries to bring the conversation up, the other avoids, yet it is the other who is showing signs of jealousy and signs that they care more that what it is. The other person cares as well. But this is a situation where things become "hazy".
Do you end things, before emotions become more than what they are now, if one person won't have the conversation, even though it's apparent that they care. I think I may have answered the question myself. Of course you do. Why stay in a situation (although both have feelings for one another) where one cannot talk about the relationship. It's almost heartbreaking to put a person in a situation like that, it's a set up for destruction for both persons, and their hearts. But what do you do, stay there, and wait to see what happens? I think you have to move forward. Wow, life sure is full of complications, getting though them keeps you up, gives you a headache, and makes you wonder what you would do if you didn't have your friends :)
xoxo

Scrabble

My mind as of late seems to be going in a million different directions. I have butterflies that keep me up at night and I am not sure where to go. At the same time, I have so many dreams and it seems like they just keep changing. I know this is OK, because that's what we do right? But when do you throw in the towel and just say, this is what I am going to do with the rest of my life? And what about happiness? This is what has been keeping me up at night. I just want to be happy. I do not want to end up like my cousin, or some of my friends who have all settled down, have kids and they tell me they wished they had done more with their life. Alright so here is my chance right? I have the time, and although 12 years ago I started something and I quit and now I am realizing it may be what I wanted, is it to late to go back?
I am currently in a committed program and am realizing that although I love the aspect of helping people, it may not be the direction I want to go. It's better I find that out now right? I know that there may be some disappointment from others, but it's my life, and right now I am living with this dread in my stomach, like I don't know if I want this. I hate making decisions, and I hate people looking at me like "really again?"  I mean it took me 10 years to get through college because I couldn't decide on my major, and now I am seriously considering going back and starting at the beginning. I don't even know. Everything is just really foggy right now, and I need it to be clear, but when has it ever been clear. I don't want to settle, I want to be happy, and I want to do what's best for me. I love taking care of others, and I believe I know the path I need to go, it's just a matter of getting the courage to realign myself again and do it. I can't stand the thought of not being happy, and not living a life that is fulfilling to me. But I just need to pick up my courage and do it.
xoxo