November 8, 2009 - Soul Shattered

November 8, 2009 will be a day in my life that took a part of my soul, even though I would not know about it until over a year later. In fact 1 year and 2 days to be exact. November 10, 2010 is the day I found out the news that shattered my soul and a part of me died along with the person who held apart of my soul. JRM my only love was taken from the earth from a heroin overdose, exactly one month shy of his 29th birthday and exactly 1 year after he moved back to Colorado from California.
The day I found out I was dreaming about him and I woke up and looked at my phone as I do when I always wake up and I had a friend request on FB from his sister. It was early in the morning and I thought I was still dreaming. It had been a while since I had heard from either one of them. I went back to sleep. I woke again, sat up straight and looked at my phone and no it wasn't a dream, she really did request my friendship.
In my heart, I knew something had happened a long time ago. We have never gone this long without talking, and we ALWAYS talked to each other on our birthdays. I did not hear from him on his birthday in 2009, nor did I hear from him on my birthday last April. I knew in my heart. Is that weird, I mean could I have had some type of premonition? We always had this connection. He knew me, I knew him. We had that connection that we didn’t have to say much we just knew what the other was thinking before the other said anything.
Now he is gone, I didn’t get to say goodbye. I will never get to hear him laugh. God that infectious laugh. I miss him so much it hurts. He was that person that when you hug you fit perfectly together, there was no adjustment to get comfortable. We just fit, like one person.
I have been talking to his sister and it is great, I miss her too. I have known her since she was twelve. She is 22 now. Wow. I need to go back to Denver; I need to see his Mom and his sister.
My heart is devastated; a piece of me is gone. I know we have not been together for a long time, but we were still close, he was my best friend, he always held apart of my soul and always will.
So many people said he was not the same person, that may be true, but when I talked to him, when he poured his heart out to me in his letters, he was still the same person to me. He never changed toward me. And so many people are surprised at everything that I know; I guess they really didn’t know how close we were. That’s ok, he will always be in my heart forever. I will never forget the person, he was, how much he loved, how big his heart was, how he protected me. I also can’t forget the bad, because there was bad, but I am not going to remember him for that. He was good, and I know he is in heaven with angels. I hope he knows how much I loved/love him and that I will never forget him and that he will always hold apart of my soul. November 8, will always be a day that took away one of the most precious things on this earth. You will be missed
Xoxo

For the Decisions we Make and the ones we Trust

Everyday we must make decisions, decisions that will impact our life. Who do we talk too? Who will listen? Who are the people telling us to make those decisions? Living in a world of oblivion, not understanding yourself and not having anyone who understands you enough to give you sound advise on decisions is a hardship. Who do we trust? Who do we trust enough to make the decisions that impact our life enough to make them too. We don't.... It's hard when you make a decision to live a life to yourself, when you choose you live a life where you let no one in, or did you choose that?
When you have no one there to help you make the decisions of your life, you must be doing something wrong. Instead of listening, you have some criticizing. I guess when you choose a life alone you can't expect anything less.
One day I hope to allow myself to let someone in the help me make the decisions that will help me in my life, so I am not the only one making them, sometimes I am not sure if I am making the right ones for me, and a little advice or a ear to listen would be nice.

Alone

I sit alone, night after night,convincing myself that I have to study and that I am absorbed in work. But the truth is I am alone. I have friends but I find reasons not to see them, or they turn out to be psycho. One or the other. The ones I care about hurt me and I have to cut them out of my life instead of letting them know that they hurt me. But isn't that the best way? Push everyone away so you don't get hurt? That's how I have been for the last 4 years. I had a few good friends in there at one time, but in one way or another they hurt me. One in particular. Just recently I wrote a paper on this person and how they have inspired me, but it was just a dream, more like how I wished they had inspired me. I live in a fantasy land, wanting what I can't have, wishing I had more. People tell me I have such potential that I am going places, that I am so smart,and pretty. So why can't I see that? Why can't I be that person that so many people see? What I have done to be hurt so many times that I am numb to the pain, that I can just cut someone off and not even think about it anymore? I have become someone that I never wanted to be. alone. Alone to the world and to myself. I don't know the meaning of true friendship anymore, I don't know what it's like to have someone to talk to about my feelings and I don't know who to go to when I am scared. Alone.... thats what I am

To Me

You meet someone you date pretty seriously for about 2 years then they move, and you are crushed. They helped you through a few hard spots in your life and were your best friend for a long time. Then they get a great job offer somewhere south and off they go. You cry, you feel miserable, but day by day the pain eases and you move back into the real world. You even start dating again. Wow it seems as if you are finally moving on. Wait...... just kidding...... That person won't stop calling you and now all the sudden it's I love you and I miss you and I hate it here where I live. They keep coming back and back and BACK.... the cycle is never ending. They pull you along, enough to make you just not get over them and then they say stuff that makes you think..... One Day Maybe.....Then they tell you the weekend they are supposed to come out to visit (a visit that you two have had planned for a long time) that they are dating someone.... Again you are crushed..... But you get over it. You move on, you even meet someone yourself. Then once again, guess what...... THEY'RE BACK!!!!!! The same old shit. No longer dating someone, missing you, missing Portland, missing everything that they can no longer have. So what do you do? Isn't enough, enough.... How much longer can you take this bullshit, this leading by a leash, the maybe's the I don't knows, the I love u one day and the next I am out.... WHAT THE FUCK EVER. You should be over it, how much heartbreak can one person take? I'll tell you, enough that you'll still keep putting up with it. Until you put a stop to it, it's going to continue. ON and ON and ON. When one person cannot make up their mind the other person suffers for it, of course they are stupid for sticking around long enough to deal with it. But what ever. I guess you'll never get over it until your ready and that just may mean to push that person out of your life, maybe not forever but for a while. Give your heart some time to heal. Move on......
Food for thought.

Fast Lane

At this very moment in time I don't think I have ever been this stressed out in my life. I am moving this weekend, I have a class that is incredibly hard I have a new class I was accepted into on Monday nights (kinda a psychology class) and I have been up every night until 12am just to get my homework done. Midnight might not seem late to you but I get up at 3:30am to be to work at 5, so midnight is very late for me. I try to sleep on my lunch breaks, and that's most of the sleep I get. I write because I feel like I can't talk to anyone about this, they just don't understand. But my life just might run over me right now. I do not think I can keep up. At the rate I am going I am going to go off the deep end. Then there is that small problem I am having wit my meds. They are making my body out of whack. So there is a possibility I may have to go off of them. That would not be good. I wouldn't be able to work or finish school....... SCARY THOUGHT! I still don't feel better after writing this, but I am sure a bottle of jack and a bunch of sleeping pills will clear it up for tonight. Good Thought!

Your Opinion Please

So I have a friend who will go nameless, for privacy reasons, but my friend is confused. You see he met a girl about a year ago and they kinda had a thing going on, but this girl has so much drama and shit going on in her life he decided that he didn't need that in his life right now. Not to mention the girl was much younger, still into the whole party till 4am every night kinda thing, anyways you get my point. As my friend tells me the sex was great, but not enough to put up with all the bullshit, so he distanced himself from her. Let me say one other thing, she was famous for calling at all hours of the night, 12, 2, even 4 am, very annoying.
So a year goes by and they run into each other again, she tells him the drama is not as bad and she seems interested again. (she was very interested before until my friend cut her off) So he thinks why not? Maybe she has changed after all it's been a year, a lot can change in a year. Yeah not really in my opinion. They had the one fun night and now it's back to the same old shit. Calling at all hours of the night (booty call I suspect) luckily he doesn't answer.(who is up that late, I mean really?) Drama is still there, no ex drama but some other drama that is pretty serious. OK so can you handle that? Maybe if the person called when they said they were going to call and maybe if they made time for him other than at 1230 at night. Maybe just maybe...... My advice..... FORGET HER! It is quite obvious she has not changed and my friend is a really nice guy, good looking and has a lot going for himself. Why should he waste his time on her? It quite obvious in my mind that partying is all she cares about, of course she is young. I partied when I was young so did my friend, in fact we partied together, many times. But my thing is if you really like someone would you not make time for them other than 3 in the morning? Would you not want to hang out when your not working.... If you not to hungover that is. Maybe I am jumping the gun here, but I don't want to see my friend get hurt.
We all have things going on in our life some more serious than others, but wouldn't you want someone to lean on if that be the case? Maybe this person is a really good person and wants to help. But maybe to this other person it's not what they want in their life right now. Who knows. But I did tell my friend that if this shit keeps up MOVE ON! who cares how good the sex is, you can always find it with someone who actually cares. Now please what is your opinion?

You be the Judge

Do you ever wake up and think this is the first day of your life..... or the last? Do you ever dream of the future and wonder what might be? Does one thing change your whole perspective on life. You thought about something you didn't want and all the sudden it turned into something different. Suddenly you have feelings about something, something so unreal. You are at the wrong place at the right time, or maybe the right place. In any event it's something that took you by surprise. Something that knocked you out of whack. What do you have to say about it? Nothing, why because it's there. It's already out there and there is no turning back, Life is so surreal sometimes, you never know the ball it's going to throw your way. You have decisions you have to make, you have a path you have to take. Who knows if it's right or wrong, you learn. You get hurt. You move on. But the curve balls they can be so intense and how do you know how to hit them. Life. you take it for what it is and live it for what it's worth. but in the mean time how do you cope? How do you know the unknown? you don't you just keep moving.
xoxo