Sometimes you go out of your way to please people, especially the ones you love you never think about yourself, you try to do everything to make it work, you do all you can to make yourself a better person, but it's never enough. Nothing is good enough if it's not meant to be. So why not think of yourself? Why not do the things you know you need to better yourself? You try, you make the effort. The person made a difference in your life, made you achieve the goals you were meant to achieve and sure you are bettering yourself but in the mean time you scarified the one thing that meant the most to you, even though that person pushed you to be the best you can be. It's a catch twenty two. You make the effort you try your hardest, but it's never good enough and it never will be. Why because it wasn't meant to be. People grow apart they move on to bigger and better things and those bigger and better things shape us as person, but you still sacrificed the one that meant the most. But what can you do, what's meant to be is meant to be, but it doesn't make it hurt any less, it doesn't make the pain go away. The pain that hurts and for so long it's takes time to go away. How long does it take? How long before we realize that what may be good for you is standing right in front of your eyes, but you miss the opportunity because you are blind to what once was, but will never be again. Sure you keep in touch, but soon days turn into weeks, weeks into months, then eventually it's gone. You don't forget, but you move on. And so do they. That's the way the world works. You meet that person that makes an impact in your life and that's all it is an impact. The memories you share the times that once were, they are the times of the past, and someday, maybe not today but someday those dreams will be a distant memory, a memory that will always be in your heart, but distant non the less. The experiences we learn in life make us stronger they shape us into who we are. As Dr. Suess would say " your mountain is waiting so get on your way" Move .. about, life is a game of Russian Roulette, you take your chances, sometimes they work out, sometimes they don't. But we get through it, we somehow make it to the next day, so I will wave you with that thought, Go get your mountain it's waiting for you you can climb it, it may take a few times, but eventually you will get there.
Much Love,
xoxo
Monday, September 29, 2008
Monday, September 22, 2008
Out of Life out of Mind
Do you ever just have those days when one little thing pushes you over the edge, and you feel like you can't breath? Everything in your life is going so well, jobs are opening up, your getting good grades in school, social and personal life are OK to good, them BAM you get hit by a curve ball upside the head and everything is thrown out of whack...... You try to get back on base but it's to far to reach. Yeah it's been one of those weeks. A week when there isn't enough hours in the day to get accomplished what you need to get accomplished, sleep becomes a luxury, and eating is out of the question. By eating or sleeping you might miss something...... Feeling overloaded and out of control. Out of life Out of Mind, that's exactly what it is. Your existing but everything is happening to fast for you to even absorb it in, everything is a blur, surreal, life changing. You can't even remember what day it is let alone the hour. Someone please give me a reality check. Bring me back to the world and let me absorb it all in, time to think to get straight in my head what is actually happening and not what I am watching. That is exactly what I need.... a reality check.
No Name for this Blog, A letter, an addiction, a lost loved one
Sometimes we feel that we need to take the easy road, it just somehow seems simpler. We hope and we pray that tomorrow will bring a new day turn over a new leaf, turn your life around. Then it gets too hard and one day turns into weeks, then into months, and we find ourselves addicted. We can't get out of it, the alcohol, and the drugs become an escape from reality. The foreclosure on the house, the death of a spouse, turning off your phone, having your family and friends turn away from you. The only reality is getting high, getting drunk and at least for a while all the pain goes away. Then you wake up and it all comes crashing down, and you start the cycle all over again.
Your selfish, thinking your the only one in pain, you forget about the one's that care, we all lost some one that we loved, someone close to our hearts. You are too high to even notice that the people around you exist. You forget that they love and care about you. The feeling of getting high takes away all the pain, it makes you forget, you wake up everyday doing the same thing, downing the liquor, taking the pills.... forgetting, forgetting.
Life just got too hard dammit, at least that is your excuse, life isn't worth living at least that is what you tell yourself. Did you forget about the ones that care? The ones that love you? Could you honestly be so god damn selfish that you can't even think about your kids, your brother, your grandchild, your friends?
What in life made you choose this path and why can't you see the pain we are all in because of you? You who used to be my Aunt, you who helped raise me, you who were there through every cut, every pain, heartache and thrill. Where did you go? What happened to you?
I know this seems like it is the easy way out, I know it's seems to solve all of your problems, at least for the time being. I know it's easier to take a drink or pop a pill to make it go away, trust me I know. I also know that there are people who care, just like people care about you.
But doing this, wasting away, taking your life before it's your time, living for the dead, not seeing the present, wasting your days drinking, slowing, slowing wasting away. Your body so frail and thin, your eyes so void of reality, your touch, the touch of a skeleton, you exist, but your are not living. I know it's hard I know your in pain, but this is not the way to solve it, this is not the way to happiness, if you shall ever see the day. The way you are going now, that day will never come.
I want the person I had some much love for back, I want the person who I grew up with. The memories, the good times. Yes it is true we lost someone we love and it will never be the same, but we all lost him, we are all hurting. Not just you. Sometimes I think about my uncle and remember him the way he was, always taking care of us, always watching out, that is the way I want to remember him, that is the way I still see him.
Don't you think he is watching down on you now? Do you really think he would want this of you? What about Grandma, do you think she would want her only daughter to go out like this? What about your children, your grandchild. What about them? WHAT ABOUT THEM?
We all go through hard times and each of us deal with it in different ways, but you choose to waste away, all for something, something you can never get back if your not sober enough to see the truth.
Drinking and drugs are not the answer, they will ruin you, they are ruining you. This is the easy way out, the easy way to cope, the easy way to forget about the truth, but the truth will be there when you sober up, it will be there when you finally realize that's it's not all about you. We have lost someone we loved very dearly, please don't let us loose someone else we love. You have so much to live for. you have so much in life that is still out there waiting, please don't give that up for a bottle of liquor and a bottle of pills.
Your selfish, thinking your the only one in pain, you forget about the one's that care, we all lost some one that we loved, someone close to our hearts. You are too high to even notice that the people around you exist. You forget that they love and care about you. The feeling of getting high takes away all the pain, it makes you forget, you wake up everyday doing the same thing, downing the liquor, taking the pills.... forgetting, forgetting.
Life just got too hard dammit, at least that is your excuse, life isn't worth living at least that is what you tell yourself. Did you forget about the ones that care? The ones that love you? Could you honestly be so god damn selfish that you can't even think about your kids, your brother, your grandchild, your friends?
What in life made you choose this path and why can't you see the pain we are all in because of you? You who used to be my Aunt, you who helped raise me, you who were there through every cut, every pain, heartache and thrill. Where did you go? What happened to you?
I know this seems like it is the easy way out, I know it's seems to solve all of your problems, at least for the time being. I know it's easier to take a drink or pop a pill to make it go away, trust me I know. I also know that there are people who care, just like people care about you.
But doing this, wasting away, taking your life before it's your time, living for the dead, not seeing the present, wasting your days drinking, slowing, slowing wasting away. Your body so frail and thin, your eyes so void of reality, your touch, the touch of a skeleton, you exist, but your are not living. I know it's hard I know your in pain, but this is not the way to solve it, this is not the way to happiness, if you shall ever see the day. The way you are going now, that day will never come.
I want the person I had some much love for back, I want the person who I grew up with. The memories, the good times. Yes it is true we lost someone we love and it will never be the same, but we all lost him, we are all hurting. Not just you. Sometimes I think about my uncle and remember him the way he was, always taking care of us, always watching out, that is the way I want to remember him, that is the way I still see him.
Don't you think he is watching down on you now? Do you really think he would want this of you? What about Grandma, do you think she would want her only daughter to go out like this? What about your children, your grandchild. What about them? WHAT ABOUT THEM?
We all go through hard times and each of us deal with it in different ways, but you choose to waste away, all for something, something you can never get back if your not sober enough to see the truth.
Drinking and drugs are not the answer, they will ruin you, they are ruining you. This is the easy way out, the easy way to cope, the easy way to forget about the truth, but the truth will be there when you sober up, it will be there when you finally realize that's it's not all about you. We have lost someone we loved very dearly, please don't let us loose someone else we love. You have so much to live for. you have so much in life that is still out there waiting, please don't give that up for a bottle of liquor and a bottle of pills.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
When Life Changes
Sometimes I sit and wonder where did all the time go? Before I could even take a breath I turned 27 and it seems like one change after another is taking place. Friends I once loved are no longer there, people are moving away, getting married, having babies, moving on. Yes I think that what that is........ Moving on. Where did the time go and where did I leave off?
Often times I dream about the past thinking of what might have been, if I had stayed in Denver or if I had done this or acted this way. Would it have changed anything? Would my life have been better?
I have pondered this question many times and I have to say no. I believe that there is a path set for you and people come and go in and out of our lives to help us grow, to help us learn and they impact us in a way that was set out to happen.
Many times I wonder why me? But I am just being unrealistic. I have it good and have made some incredible changes in my life in the last six months.
I still wonder where the time has gone and often forget that nothing will ever stay the same no matter how hard you pray or hope for it.
Life changes and so do we. I am a completely different person than I was six months ago, there has been some hard lessons learned and I know I will only grow from here. I lost some good friends along the way, but have also made some great new ones.
I know six months may not sound like a lot but in my world everything has changed, from my job, to my schooling, to my living situation, my personal relationships to my integrity. I feel like I have gained my independence back, I have not felt that way in a long time.
Everything I am doing right now is for me........ It's all about change. Positive change.
Sorry for being so insightful on this post, but I felt the need to write.
xoxo
Often times I dream about the past thinking of what might have been, if I had stayed in Denver or if I had done this or acted this way. Would it have changed anything? Would my life have been better?
I have pondered this question many times and I have to say no. I believe that there is a path set for you and people come and go in and out of our lives to help us grow, to help us learn and they impact us in a way that was set out to happen.
Many times I wonder why me? But I am just being unrealistic. I have it good and have made some incredible changes in my life in the last six months.
I still wonder where the time has gone and often forget that nothing will ever stay the same no matter how hard you pray or hope for it.
Life changes and so do we. I am a completely different person than I was six months ago, there has been some hard lessons learned and I know I will only grow from here. I lost some good friends along the way, but have also made some great new ones.
I know six months may not sound like a lot but in my world everything has changed, from my job, to my schooling, to my living situation, my personal relationships to my integrity. I feel like I have gained my independence back, I have not felt that way in a long time.
Everything I am doing right now is for me........ It's all about change. Positive change.
Sorry for being so insightful on this post, but I felt the need to write.
xoxo
Thursday, April 10, 2008
After Every Storm there is a Rainbow
So you have a bad day, you think when will it ever end, and then it does.
Tonight was the final night of my English class and I submitted a few pieces of writing for the literary Journal at school. I OFFICIALLY found out tonight I am going to be published. My teacher had hinted it a few weeks ago, but officially gave me my acceptance tonight.
I am so happy I cried. One of my pieces is getting published for sure the other is still under discussion, but I submitted four pieces and one was picked and the other is a strong maybe, I will find out for sure tomorrow, there were over 400 submissions.
My English teacher also told me what an incredible writer I am and that I am going to make it as a writer, I have the content down and I have the heart, experience, and deep emotions it takes to get there. I have never in my life had a compliment given to me that meant so much or that has so much impact on my writing.
I have a few things to work on as far as grammatical, but he said he will work with me on that to become a better writer. That is all stuff I can learn, I have what it takes inside.
So I had to share, I am bouncing off the walls. I AM GETTING PUBLISHED!!!!!! Yes I have to rub it in just a little :)
xoxo
Tonight was the final night of my English class and I submitted a few pieces of writing for the literary Journal at school. I OFFICIALLY found out tonight I am going to be published. My teacher had hinted it a few weeks ago, but officially gave me my acceptance tonight.
I am so happy I cried. One of my pieces is getting published for sure the other is still under discussion, but I submitted four pieces and one was picked and the other is a strong maybe, I will find out for sure tomorrow, there were over 400 submissions.
My English teacher also told me what an incredible writer I am and that I am going to make it as a writer, I have the content down and I have the heart, experience, and deep emotions it takes to get there. I have never in my life had a compliment given to me that meant so much or that has so much impact on my writing.
I have a few things to work on as far as grammatical, but he said he will work with me on that to become a better writer. That is all stuff I can learn, I have what it takes inside.
So I had to share, I am bouncing off the walls. I AM GETTING PUBLISHED!!!!!! Yes I have to rub it in just a little :)
xoxo
So you had a Bad Day
Everyone has bad days, and when I have a bad day it’s a bad day.
Spring is supposed to be here, I am moving and doing great in school and work, but I just can’t seem to shake this feeling off. So many good things are happening, yet i feel like absolute crap.
I am not trying to complain, just vent. I need a vacation, far far away. School is good but it has me so stressed, I have to wonder am I taking on to much? Maybe it’s just the weather, once the rain stops and the temperature warms up and the sun shows its face more I will feel better, as for now I just want to curl up and sleep until then.
Mondays are always hard for me, and maybe it’s because I have back to back classes this week or I am turning 27 on Thursday, maybe it’s because I am starting to realize who my real friends are. I have no idea but I want to get out of here, and say fuck responsibilities.......
Yeah it has been a bad day. Nothing is what it seems and it seems like I am walking through the motions of a day, if that makes any sense. I am here, but I am not. Today seems so surreal. Nothing extraordinary happened, nothing set me off at least not today.
But today, I am not myself, I am anxious, I am nervous and I am sad......
It’s a bad day...........
Spring is supposed to be here, I am moving and doing great in school and work, but I just can’t seem to shake this feeling off. So many good things are happening, yet i feel like absolute crap.
I am not trying to complain, just vent. I need a vacation, far far away. School is good but it has me so stressed, I have to wonder am I taking on to much? Maybe it’s just the weather, once the rain stops and the temperature warms up and the sun shows its face more I will feel better, as for now I just want to curl up and sleep until then.
Mondays are always hard for me, and maybe it’s because I have back to back classes this week or I am turning 27 on Thursday, maybe it’s because I am starting to realize who my real friends are. I have no idea but I want to get out of here, and say fuck responsibilities.......
Yeah it has been a bad day. Nothing is what it seems and it seems like I am walking through the motions of a day, if that makes any sense. I am here, but I am not. Today seems so surreal. Nothing extraordinary happened, nothing set me off at least not today.
But today, I am not myself, I am anxious, I am nervous and I am sad......
It’s a bad day...........
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
It's my business Saty the F Out
Awe friends who care are not a bad thing, but don’t tell me how to live my life, it is my life and I do what I want. If I make a mistake that is how I learn.
I understand that some people may not agree with some of my decisions in life, but when you don’t know the whole story or I keep it to myself, that means I don’t care what you or anyone else thinks.
I love my friends and I know they are looking out for me, but I am a big girl and I know right from wrong, I know how I feel and I know what is going on in my life, and I choose to go the route I want.
So please if I choose to keep the subject at hand quiet that means I am not looking for advice nor am I looking for your opinion on the matter.
If you choose not to see the entire picture but only what you want to see that is your choice. You can judge all you want and think what ever you want, I don’t care.
I am not trying to stir the pot here with anyone, but am frustrated at the situation at hand, and I feel that my business is my business and no one has the right to tell me what do do, or that they no longer want anything to do with it when I haven’t brought you into the current situation.
Thank you for being there in the past and than you for being there now. Like I said I love my friends dearly and I have no idea what I would do without them, but some things I want to keep to myself.
I understand that some people may not agree with some of my decisions in life, but when you don’t know the whole story or I keep it to myself, that means I don’t care what you or anyone else thinks.
I love my friends and I know they are looking out for me, but I am a big girl and I know right from wrong, I know how I feel and I know what is going on in my life, and I choose to go the route I want.
So please if I choose to keep the subject at hand quiet that means I am not looking for advice nor am I looking for your opinion on the matter.
If you choose not to see the entire picture but only what you want to see that is your choice. You can judge all you want and think what ever you want, I don’t care.
I am not trying to stir the pot here with anyone, but am frustrated at the situation at hand, and I feel that my business is my business and no one has the right to tell me what do do, or that they no longer want anything to do with it when I haven’t brought you into the current situation.
Thank you for being there in the past and than you for being there now. Like I said I love my friends dearly and I have no idea what I would do without them, but some things I want to keep to myself.
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