Delusional

Have you ever been tired, so tired that sleep is considered a luxury? Being a full time student and working full time, sleep and food have become something of a non-necessity for me, well they should not be, but if I have to choose between doing my homework and sleeping, I choose homework, and at work, I get so busy I forget to eat. I know my body is being worn down, but hey, I have a little less than 2 years to finish school and so far, I have a 4.0 average.
I take the max most mornings to work and usually catch up on sleep, or homework. Last week I was so tired that I decided to sleep. I hear over the intercom that the next stop is the Convention Center, so I think to myself, a few more stops to go and catch a few more moments of sleep. SWEET! Next thing I know I wake up in a tunnel and in BEAVERTON!!!!!! I look back and everyone is gone, I am the only one left on the Max. I look at my phone to see what time it is and it is almost 8:15, I have to be to work at 7:30. Oh Shit!
I start freaking out, of course. First off, I have no idea where I am and second I am so late to work, and no one knows where I am. My phone starts ringing, it is one of my bosses, I explain what happened, and she starts laughing. Then I call my mom and she starts laughing. Looking back it was damn funny.
I get off the Max, wait for the next one to come, and then go back to downtown, so far so good. I get off at Pioneer Square, which I have walked to many times, Nordstrom’s, Macy’s and Victoria Secret are all up there, so I know I am not far. I see Qudoba, a restaurant that I have walked to many times; ok I know where I am. Therefore, I start walking, IN THE WRONG DIRECTION! I was so disoriented and tired that I ended up walking in the complete opposite direction. I call Didi, I tell her I am lost, she can tell I am getting upset. Breath she tells me “remember don’t sweat the small stuff and this is small stuff.” (a book everyone got me because I tend to sweat the small stuff). She asks me where I am and I give her the cross streets, she asks me, how the heck did you get there, I told I just started walking. I was so far away from work it was not even funny. I was looking frantically for the tall pink building in which I work. I could not even see it. Didi tells me to find Burnside and walk North, I had to ask people where Burnside was, and of course, they looked at me weird. I do not look like a tourist; it is obvious that I worked downtown. How is it possible that I could get that lost? I even got off at a stop that I recognized, and had been too many time. Well as one of my friends tells me, I get lost in a paper bag, which is true.
Finally, I made it to work, I walked about thirty blocks that day, and I definitely got my exercise. As I walked in the door, everyone asked how my nap was and they all laughed. At the time, it was not so funny, but it is so funny. This would only happen to me, only I could ride the max, fall asleep, wake up 40 minutes after my stop, and then get lost in a city in which I work.
After this fiasco, I decided that this was never going to happen again. I got phone with a GPS and a navigation system that talks to me, and not matter how tired I am, I WILL NEVER SLEEP ON THE MAX AGAIN!!
LESSON LEARNED!

The Rainbow

You know that saying when it rains it pours, but there is always a rainbow at the end of the storm.
Lately things have been good, then bad, then really bad, now they went to fantasitic.

First I found a condo to rent from one of my co-workers, so yes I am moving, and I am living by myself. I look at the condo on Monday, and hopefully everything will go through as planned!

Next, I finally got the phone I wanted, ok, I know not so exciting, but I had the worst phone before and was ready to throw it against the wall. Yes I hated it! So I went and got a Blackberry Pearl...... and oh I love it!!! I have everything I need right on my phone.

Third I have narrowed down a few pieces I am summiting to my colleges new paper, and I am still a little nervous about it, but am excited at the same time...

So yes, this week has been great, except for the fact that I had a root canal and it hurts like hell, it had a really bad infection so I have had to go to my dentist about 5 times in the last three weeks, but let me tell you the Nitrous is wonderful :)

So it has been a good week to say the least. I am so excited about moving and my writing.

See there is a rainbow after every storm :)
xoxo

Why we say the things we do

Why we say the things we do?

Over emotional stress, anger and selfness. Words come out of your mouth that you don't always mean and can end up hurting people that we don't mean to hurt.

Why? Are we trying to get a reaction, are we trying to say something deep inside that we may or may not feel?

Does it ever make sense?
Most of the time not.

Can it change everything?
Absolutely.

Can you take it back?
Unfortunately not.

Pick your battles, pick them wisely, don't hurt the ones that care, and push away the ones you love.

The things you say can change the entire element of a friendship.

xoxo

When Will it End?

Why waste your tears? Why cry? Why let the pain tear at you inside? Life is what we make of it, and I wish to more extent I had control over my emotions.
Why did god give me this disorder that I have to struggle with everyday of my life? How many times in a day do I have to say "it's not fair?" How many relationships, friendships am I going to lose because I can't deal with the real world?
I struggle on a daily basis and try to keep up with my life, it is getting to hard. It is getting to the point that I feel it is not worth fighting for anymore.
When a person whom you care a great deal about tells you that you are incapable of friendship and treating others well I have to wonder is this how I really am? Am I such a horrible person that I am incapable of friendship and love?
I have others tell me I have so much going for me and to focus on the good not the bad, that I am a strong person, but how well do they really know me? How much do they really care? When you have people whom you love and trust tell you things that hurt you, they are the ones that know, isn't it the truth?
For the most part I try to stay positive, however it is so hard sometimes when I feel like my world is crashing for no reason. In reality there is nothing wrong, but in my mind something is not right.
It's a constant struggle and battle. When is enough, enough? When do you let go? When do you say life has not been good and it's time to move on?
Dark thoughts I know, A lot of tears.
I am in no way perfect, I need to control my words when I get emotional, I need to learn to live, but I also need help. When a person who was your support system gives up on you it can crush you.
My mind is fuzzy and my heart is crushed, there is not a damn thing I can do about it except cry. Yes I am crying, I am feeling bad, it's not fair. There I said it..... Yes, I am feeling sorry for myself. Writing is my biggest outlet and thats why I am writing this.
My only question is when? When does it all end?

Everything Happens for a Reason

Weeks come and go, you go to work, you go to school or do whatever it is you do on a daily basis. Good things happen, bad too. Things look great, sometimes not so great. I have to say that the year 2007 was the most exhausting year, so many changes took place in my life. I applied for my ideal job, which I didn't get, started back to school and then got a job that I wasn't to sure about but ended up loving.
My personal life has been just as exhausting. I have dealt with issues that I have never dealt with before and have to come to accept them as part of my past. I have discovered the two things that make me happy on a personal level (reading and writing) and am working on my first book.

I have a person in my life that has been behind me all the way, through the ups and downs (and believe me there have been some downs) but that person has been there, and still is. I have met some great friends that I wouldn't exchange for anyone else.
It has been one hell of a ride. Finally it is coming all together. My past is my past, my future is bright, and I have all the support and love that I could ever ask for.

2008 is going to be great, it is the beginning, the beginning to a new chapter that I am so grateful to start, the last I am ready to end.

Everything happens to us for some reason or another, you meet people who make a hugh impact on your life, they touch you in ways that are unforgettable, they leave a mark on your heart that will never go away.

This last week has been especially hard for me, my boss lost his job and for a minute I thought my job was in limbo too. It was such a shock to see him go and nothing has ever affected me like this before. I admired my boss and looked up to him a great deal. It was a hard time. I did benefit from the situation, in the sense that my responsibilities went up and my job became more essential, however at that price I am not sure how I feel about it.

One thing I have learned is that life goes on, business as usual, the world still turns, the clock still ticks and the days become nights. It is life, everything happens for a reason.

Life is funny like that, it happens, but people still go about there daily lives.
Make it count, your life that is.

Save your tears, share your smiles and lean on the ones that will be there.

Everything happens for a reason.

xoxo

Oh, the places you will go

I had a mission, some might say it is quite weird, but my mission was simple..... I needed a book, a very specific book if you will. The book..... Oh, the places you will go by Dr. Suess!

Laugh all you want! For a 26 year old to be obsessing over such a book is quite abnormal, and my friend asked me if I was buying it for a child. When I told him it was for me, he gave me a look that basically said you are wierd.... hhhmmm. He obliviously did not understand the importance.

This book was read to me a long time ago and even though I was just graduating high school I did not fully understand the meaning that was behind the book, lately I have been thinking about it quite often, so often I decided I needed it RIGHT NOW!!!!!

So off to Powell's I went (for those of you who don't know what Powell's is, well it's only the BEST BOOKSTORE EVER!) As most of you know I am a avid reader so I had to be quick I only have an hour for lunch, and well I could spend a lifetime in that store..... So my mission was simple, find the book and get out as soon as possible!

Alas find the book I did, I read it again and I cried.... For those of you who haven't read it, READ IT! The message is simple, the message is life.

Oh, the places you'll go! My boss at work, was a little amused by my purchase so I encouraged him to read it, and he too found it to be very profound. My friends this book is a must read, read it from time to time, and think of all the places you have been and the places you will go.

Yes it's simple, yes it is a child's book, but the lesson it gives, you can take with you for a lifetime!

Laugh all you want, I know I am a nerd, but hey these things have a affect on me, and I am very big on learning life lessons right now!

So if you have one book you are going to read, read this one! I promise you will get it, unless you have no desire or no curiosity for life.

xoxo

Bittersweet Emotion

As I am driving home from class tonight I turn on my CD player because nothing good was on the radio, as I am sitting there thinking about the lecture or rather the movie we watched tonight, a song comes on, a song I have listened to so many time before a song I never really put much thought into. For the first time in a few days I smiled. I smiled so big and I felt so incredibly happy, I was beyond myself. The song was Bittersweet Symphony by The Verve.
WOW I thought to myself, I have this immense wave of emotion hit me like a ton of bricks. Listening to the words, I mean really listening to the words tonight had an effect on me I didn't think possible at this time. My stress level has been high recently, new job, and school, personal issues all rolled into one. Smiling is not something that is in my facial structure right now, or so I thought. This had to have been one of the most bittersweet moments in my life. Funny how emotions can change and reality can set in, in just one flick of an instant.
I start driving 90MPH on the road by my house (it is all country so no worries), Blasting the music and smiling from ear to ear… I finished 2 major papers this week, and managed to get top grades, I have a new job that I love, I am working on my first book. I am happy. I can be happy. For the first time in a long time I felt free, exhilarated, accomplished. I feel like everything is going to be ok. I can do it, I know I can.
Life changes from one moment to the next; your path is where it takes you, your journey, and your life. Bad times come and they go, when they are bad them seem so bad, but when you wake up and look at life in a new angle it can be good, so very good.
Why I had this sudden realization I have no idea, why this particular song put me in this grove, I don't know. I don't need to know, I just need to keep moving forward.

With all of the positive changes that I have done in my life, there had to be some sacrifices, hence bittersweet emotion……

xoxo




Here are the lyrics....

Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Trying to make ends meet
You're a slave to money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places
where all the veins meet yeah

No change, I can't change
I can't change, I can't change
But I'm here in my mind
I am here in my mind
But I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mind
No, no, no, no, no, no, no,no,no,no,no,no(fading away)

Well I never pray
But tonight I'm on my knees yeah
I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah
I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now
But the airways are clean and there's nobody singing to me now

No change, I can't change
I can't change, I can't change
But I'm here in my mind
I am here in my mind
And I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mind
No, no, no, no, no, no, no
I can't change
I can't change it

'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Trying to make ends meet
Trying to find some money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places
where all the veins meet yeah

You know I can't change, I can't change
I can't change, I can't change
But I'm here in my mind
I am here in my mind
And I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mind
No, no, no, no, no

I can't change my mind
no, no, no, no, no,
I can't change
Can't change my body,
no, no, no

I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
Been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
That you've ever been down
That you've ever been down