Why is it that life can be rolling around all la-te-da, then BAM…..The whole earth shatters at your feet? One minute you are walking along, thinking “wow everything is finally falling into place” Then you are hit incredibly hard with a rock straight to your head…. Yeah… I guess that is life….
I know, I know I seem to be complaining a lot, and really I have no need to. I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, and food on my table. For me it’s just a personal thing. I am sure it has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that my emotions are a freaking roller coaster, or the fact that I have hardly accomplished any of my personal goals in life….Ok, Ok I know whoa is me…… I guess it has just been one of those days, weeks, years maybe????
Well whatever it is I need to step out of this funk and get a hold of myself…. My god… What a little baby I am being… Ok not really, but maybe…..
Sometimes I feel that so much has happened in my life and it’s hard for me to let people in, then when I do, it’s even harder for me to trust. Along with trust comes revealing my dark side, not something I really want to do. I am not going to go into great detail here, but I guess I am trying to vent…. I can not shake this case of the blues that has been hanging over my head for way to long… Do something about it! I know, I know…..
I am trying….. But what do I do????
Life has thrown me way too many curve balls and they are getting a little harder to dodge now days… I have a great feeling of dissatisfaction with myself and I am having a hard time turning that around.
Build your self up…. Then break yourself down, the true story of my life… What doesn’t kill us only makes us stronger….. Fight…….
I write everyday to keep myself sane, I try even harder to please the one’s I love, yet nothing ever seems to pan out. Maybe this is just my thoughts.
Ok, Ok enough already…. My eyes are tired, my thoughts are blurred. This is the ther side of me.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Monday, July 23, 2007
Struggles and Such
Sometimes life takes us down a path that was not intended upon. It takes us down a road less traveled, rocky, jagged, and unknown. The thought of not knowing what is going to happen is something that digs deep inside of me and comes out like a scream not yet heard by others.
Looking back at my life I have come to realize that I am lucky, lucky to be here, alive. My life has not been easy, and I blame no one, it is a road that I chose to take, a road that lead me into places I wish upon no one. At times I think it made me stronger, other times I feel it has made me weaker. The choices I made have put me in a position that I wish not to be in. I am still here existing, living, I have a roof over my head, a family who loves and supports me and a handful of friends that I adore.
Then there is the other side of me, the side that is afraid of everything, trusting, loving and finding me. There is the side that has been hurt so many times I can’t bear to let my heart be exposed, the side that questions everything and everyone around me, wondering is there an ulterior motive behind your kindness. My poor friends never know what side of me to expect. Happy today, sad tomorrow. How can I make you understand it’s not you? I can’t, I am sorry for that. This is the part of my life where I feel weakest.
I guess I am writing this because I need to look back and read, understand, know why I am. Life sets off so many challenges, so many obstacles, which do you, choose? Which do you turn away from? Why is it so hard to exist, when all around goes about their merry little way? Why do some people live a charmed life, when others have to work so hard? Why do people judge and hate, when others love and give? I had a friend tell me the other day that he felt so lucky that he had his life; this was after meeting my friends. Now the comment angered me, one he has never made me feel small before, and now after meeting some people I work with, his life is so charmed? What makes him lucky and the others not? He has been given everything and worked harder for what he has, but some of us are not that lucky, some of us have not had a handful of money thrown at us growing up, we have not had the luxury of our college education paid for and not having to work. This is a very good friend that I have never felt threatened by his wealth, he has never made me feel inferior before and he has been there for me so much in the last few months that I honestly don’t know what I would have done had he not been there. The remark, it cut deep, almost too deep……
Maybe that is why I am writing this. As I said before I am not where I pictured myself at this age, I had hoped to accomplish many things, with the struggles in my past I still feel I have come a long way, but now I feel nothing. I feel hurt, hurt by a remark that I would have never expected from a friend who has been there through so much. I am trying, I am trying to clean up my mistakes and move forward. I am trying to recover from an abusive relationship, a past that was so painful, so why when I am starting to feel stronger did this little remark cut so deep? Maybe because he see’s my friends as inferior to him, that maybe he sees’s me that way as well? I don’t know.
Writing this makes me feel a little better, but I am still hurt. This is the part where I seclude myself in my room wrapped up with a book, or feeling sad, trying to think of the positive, but knowing I have to deal with my emotions right now. I will get over it, just needed to write it down I guess. Sort it out; maybe I am looking a little too deep, maybe not.
One thing I know for sure is that I am me, I have been through a lot, but that does not make me less of a person than anyone, it does not make me inferior to you or anyone. I still struggle day to day and I live day to day. I may not have accomplished as much as some people my age, but I am here still living and one day I will be the strong person I know I can be.
Peace
Looking back at my life I have come to realize that I am lucky, lucky to be here, alive. My life has not been easy, and I blame no one, it is a road that I chose to take, a road that lead me into places I wish upon no one. At times I think it made me stronger, other times I feel it has made me weaker. The choices I made have put me in a position that I wish not to be in. I am still here existing, living, I have a roof over my head, a family who loves and supports me and a handful of friends that I adore.
Then there is the other side of me, the side that is afraid of everything, trusting, loving and finding me. There is the side that has been hurt so many times I can’t bear to let my heart be exposed, the side that questions everything and everyone around me, wondering is there an ulterior motive behind your kindness. My poor friends never know what side of me to expect. Happy today, sad tomorrow. How can I make you understand it’s not you? I can’t, I am sorry for that. This is the part of my life where I feel weakest.
I guess I am writing this because I need to look back and read, understand, know why I am. Life sets off so many challenges, so many obstacles, which do you, choose? Which do you turn away from? Why is it so hard to exist, when all around goes about their merry little way? Why do some people live a charmed life, when others have to work so hard? Why do people judge and hate, when others love and give? I had a friend tell me the other day that he felt so lucky that he had his life; this was after meeting my friends. Now the comment angered me, one he has never made me feel small before, and now after meeting some people I work with, his life is so charmed? What makes him lucky and the others not? He has been given everything and worked harder for what he has, but some of us are not that lucky, some of us have not had a handful of money thrown at us growing up, we have not had the luxury of our college education paid for and not having to work. This is a very good friend that I have never felt threatened by his wealth, he has never made me feel inferior before and he has been there for me so much in the last few months that I honestly don’t know what I would have done had he not been there. The remark, it cut deep, almost too deep……
Maybe that is why I am writing this. As I said before I am not where I pictured myself at this age, I had hoped to accomplish many things, with the struggles in my past I still feel I have come a long way, but now I feel nothing. I feel hurt, hurt by a remark that I would have never expected from a friend who has been there through so much. I am trying, I am trying to clean up my mistakes and move forward. I am trying to recover from an abusive relationship, a past that was so painful, so why when I am starting to feel stronger did this little remark cut so deep? Maybe because he see’s my friends as inferior to him, that maybe he sees’s me that way as well? I don’t know.
Writing this makes me feel a little better, but I am still hurt. This is the part where I seclude myself in my room wrapped up with a book, or feeling sad, trying to think of the positive, but knowing I have to deal with my emotions right now. I will get over it, just needed to write it down I guess. Sort it out; maybe I am looking a little too deep, maybe not.
One thing I know for sure is that I am me, I have been through a lot, but that does not make me less of a person than anyone, it does not make me inferior to you or anyone. I still struggle day to day and I live day to day. I may not have accomplished as much as some people my age, but I am here still living and one day I will be the strong person I know I can be.
Peace
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Sometimes
Lately in life it seems like things are moving in the fast lane. Everything seems to be going great, Life as I know it is starting to come together.
Sometimes things change for the good, sometimes for the bad, but I am learning you just have to roll with the punches. Since I have left Denver I feel like I have become so much more, I have grown as a person and am completely different than when I left Denver. These last two years since I moved here has been a complete roller coaster. I almost lost my mind, no seriously. lol But I have learned so much about myself.
The things that happen in life no matter good or bad, shape us to be who we are, you can either take that and learn from it, or waste it away. One thing I have learned is that you can't plan your future. It is what is it, and the more you try to plan the more you are going to miss out on. I believe that everything happens for a reason, and if it's meant to be it will be.
Now don't get me wrong I have goals for myself but they are always changing. I thought at the age of sixteen that I would be married and have kids by this time. Well, that is not where I'm at now, and I am glad that I didn't settle for someone who might have been the one, because now I realize they were not the one. I also thought that I would become a doctor or nurse, but that was before I discovered my passion for writing.
So you see it's ok to have goals and dreams, but it's also ok to have different goals as you discover life. It doesn't make you a failure, things change it's inevitable and there is nothing you can do about it, except, accept it.
I have no idea why I am writing this, just something I have been pondering lately. I guess since it's been 2 years since I have moved here I have been thinking a lot about what has changed in my life, and I can honestly say it is for the better. I could get really personal and go into my changes but I think I will save that for another day, another blog.
Ok well I will leave it at that. :)
Sometimes things change for the good, sometimes for the bad, but I am learning you just have to roll with the punches. Since I have left Denver I feel like I have become so much more, I have grown as a person and am completely different than when I left Denver. These last two years since I moved here has been a complete roller coaster. I almost lost my mind, no seriously. lol But I have learned so much about myself.
The things that happen in life no matter good or bad, shape us to be who we are, you can either take that and learn from it, or waste it away. One thing I have learned is that you can't plan your future. It is what is it, and the more you try to plan the more you are going to miss out on. I believe that everything happens for a reason, and if it's meant to be it will be.
Now don't get me wrong I have goals for myself but they are always changing. I thought at the age of sixteen that I would be married and have kids by this time. Well, that is not where I'm at now, and I am glad that I didn't settle for someone who might have been the one, because now I realize they were not the one. I also thought that I would become a doctor or nurse, but that was before I discovered my passion for writing.
So you see it's ok to have goals and dreams, but it's also ok to have different goals as you discover life. It doesn't make you a failure, things change it's inevitable and there is nothing you can do about it, except, accept it.
I have no idea why I am writing this, just something I have been pondering lately. I guess since it's been 2 years since I have moved here I have been thinking a lot about what has changed in my life, and I can honestly say it is for the better. I could get really personal and go into my changes but I think I will save that for another day, another blog.
Ok well I will leave it at that. :)
Saturday, June 23, 2007
A Mighty Heart
The avid reader that I am, I have been reading a book called "A Mighty Heart". For those of you who have been following the events taking place over in the middle east, you may have heard of a journalist by the name of Daniel Pearl.
He was kidnapped in Pakistan shortly after 9/11. His wife Mariane Pearl wrote this book in his memory.
I remember when the news of his kidnapping first hit the news, it was devastating, and as I learn more about his life, it breaks my heart even more. The terrorists that kidnapped him accused him of being a spy of some sort, and demanded things that were impossible to deliver. He was a journalist, a man trying to bridge the gap between worlds so differently lived. Yet he was murdered for the senseless act of terrorism.
I guess the reason why I am writing about this is, I think you should read this book. I have learned so much of a culture that I would never, and still don't understand. A world in which you don't know who to trust, or where to turn. A world in which the people who are supposed to help, only pretend to help, only to later learn knew more about the whereabouts and the kidnapping then they would ever let on.
To me the pain his family endured, and the hardship that they went through is unimaginable. Just think about loosing a person whom you love so much, only to see his face on images that show the torture that he had to endure, imagine the pain you would feel as your husband is beheaded on TV, in front of the world and his body discovered in 10 different pieces buried in a shallow grave.
You can't. Simple as that. Why? Because we live in a country that doesn't understand the lives of the people we are fighting. We only see what is in front of us, not the picture at whole.
I have been following the tragic events that have unfolded since the beginning of the war, this person, Daniel Pearl and his wife Mariane have touched me deeply.
I still do not understand the faceless acts of hatred that are committed in this country and abroad, but this story has enlightened me on a world that is so very different form which I know.
If you have a chance please pick up the book, it is a sad read, but an honesty put forth that makes you see things that maybe you wouldn't normally see. It touches on the events leading up to and following his murder. It shows the love and compassion of his family and the people of Pakistan, but mostly his brave wife.
Remember that we have soldiers over there fighting for our country, but is this a war we can win? This question I can not answer, but pray that we can make peace. Peace between worlds that are so very different.
I support our troops 100%, and pray for their safe return. I hope for the best, yet expect the worst.
We are fighting a war that makes no sense, that involves a hatred on a level that is so deep.
All I ask is that you don't forget, the families, friends, brother and sisters. The people over there trying to make a difference.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Baby Talk
So just another day..... another day gone, another day to look forward too.
Yet so many things are going on. One of my dear friends found out she is pregnant. Which is absolutely fantastic! However, it makes for all this baby talk.
It seems to me that all my friends are having babies, getting married, ect, ect. And then the lovely questions come at me.
When are you going to settle down?
When are you going to having kids?
Well, the answer is....
I DON"T KNOW!!!!
I have so many things in my life that I want to do, and well getting married and having kids are just not in the picture right now.
What is wrong with that? Well apparently I am weird or something, because I am not ready to settle down and have babies...... Yeah OK. :(
HHHHHMMMMMMM. What happened to living your life, having your dreams, your goals?
Just because mine are not about getting married and having children I don't think that makes me any less successful. Right?
I am just not sure if it's in the cards for me. My goals and dreams are different. I want to write, and travel, finish school. Not to mention maybe, a good man :) lol
Bringing me to another point. How am I going to have kids, if I can't even find the right guy to settle down with? Yeah well that's my thinking... I am not ready for that either, and even then, I am still not sure about kids.
Ok so this is my rant, just under a little pressure, from things I shouldn't even be getting pressured about. But well that's why I have my blog. I can write what I feel and what I know.
Yet so many things are going on. One of my dear friends found out she is pregnant. Which is absolutely fantastic! However, it makes for all this baby talk.
It seems to me that all my friends are having babies, getting married, ect, ect. And then the lovely questions come at me.
When are you going to settle down?
When are you going to having kids?
Well, the answer is....
I DON"T KNOW!!!!
I have so many things in my life that I want to do, and well getting married and having kids are just not in the picture right now.
What is wrong with that? Well apparently I am weird or something, because I am not ready to settle down and have babies...... Yeah OK. :(
HHHHHMMMMMMM. What happened to living your life, having your dreams, your goals?
Just because mine are not about getting married and having children I don't think that makes me any less successful. Right?
I am just not sure if it's in the cards for me. My goals and dreams are different. I want to write, and travel, finish school. Not to mention maybe, a good man :) lol
Bringing me to another point. How am I going to have kids, if I can't even find the right guy to settle down with? Yeah well that's my thinking... I am not ready for that either, and even then, I am still not sure about kids.
Ok so this is my rant, just under a little pressure, from things I shouldn't even be getting pressured about. But well that's why I have my blog. I can write what I feel and what I know.
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
Good day.
Hello World.
Well I am sorry I have not kept this blog as up to date I would have hoped. Not to say that I don't want to, I have been crazy busy. Life seems to get that way sometimes.
Life has been a little complicated lately. The boy and I decided friends is the best thing right now, considering what an emotional mess I am, I think it may be for the best. He feels he can't handle my ups and downs. Well ok, guess what. YOU ARE NOT WORTH IT and please don't feed me anymore of your bull crap. So yes that's that.
Now then Work has been stressful, I am applying for a new position and I truley hope I get it. It would be a wonderful opportunity for me and diminish some of my current stress, not to mention I would kick ass.
So yes in a nut shell that is what is going on.
More updates to come.
Peace and
Much love,
Kates
Well I am sorry I have not kept this blog as up to date I would have hoped. Not to say that I don't want to, I have been crazy busy. Life seems to get that way sometimes.
Life has been a little complicated lately. The boy and I decided friends is the best thing right now, considering what an emotional mess I am, I think it may be for the best. He feels he can't handle my ups and downs. Well ok, guess what. YOU ARE NOT WORTH IT and please don't feed me anymore of your bull crap. So yes that's that.
Now then Work has been stressful, I am applying for a new position and I truley hope I get it. It would be a wonderful opportunity for me and diminish some of my current stress, not to mention I would kick ass.
So yes in a nut shell that is what is going on.
More updates to come.
Peace and
Much love,
Kates
Sunday, May 27, 2007
Memorial Day
On this day let's all take the time out to say thank you! Thank you to those who are over seas, fighting for our freedom.
Now we may not all agree on why we are over there or if it's right or wrong. But we do have our troops over there fighting for us. So this weekend as we are having our bar-b-ques, playing golf, or enjoying the day.
Take a Minute, just one minute to say thank you, and maybe a little prayer. Remember over there fighting is someone's brother, son, daughter, wife, husband, Over there is someone that somebody loves.
Pray for their safe return, pray for their dedication, pray for their families.
I am saying thank you! THANK YOU! Happy Memorial Day!
Now we may not all agree on why we are over there or if it's right or wrong. But we do have our troops over there fighting for us. So this weekend as we are having our bar-b-ques, playing golf, or enjoying the day.
Take a Minute, just one minute to say thank you, and maybe a little prayer. Remember over there fighting is someone's brother, son, daughter, wife, husband, Over there is someone that somebody loves.
Pray for their safe return, pray for their dedication, pray for their families.
I am saying thank you! THANK YOU! Happy Memorial Day!
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