Once again Thoughts, NO Baby MADNESS!!!

I have one question..... When the hell did we grow up and what happened to my youth??? Did I miss something along the way? When did I leave Never, Never land? It is going around, it is contagious, many people are catching it... YES... DA DA DUN.... It's the BABY BUG!!!!! AAAAWWWWWEEEE....... WHOOOO.... DO NOT GET THE WRONG idea, I am in no way ready to be a mom. However all my friends around me are all expecting..... When did this happen? Are we really growing up, getting married and having kids? What happened to being a kid... I think that time has passed..... I am sad, really I am. I am not ready to grow up, I am not ready to settle down, I am really not ready to be a mommy...
So I am not going to be, at least not for a long while. I do wish all my friends the best, and I love them dearly, but I think I will stick to being Aunt Katy for a while.
Need a baby sitter I am all about it, need to take the kiddies to the Zoo, call me up! Want to go baby shopping, I love to shop, but then at the end of the day I will go back to my single life and pursue my dream, my true love, my writing....
At this time I am too selfish to be in the land of soccer mom's and play dates, bottles and diapers. I DO NOT WANT AN SUV! I want a sporty car and a condo downtown, I do not want a yard or a white picket fence..... Not yet anyway... I want to travel (when I get over my fear of flying, which needs to be soon as my brother and I are talking about a trip to Europe next summer) I want to live on the East coast, at least for a year, Hell I still haven't been to Vegas..... and I AM 26!!!! I need to fix that...
So you see, I am just not ready.
I love my sexy red headed soccer mom to be, and my little dizzle and you girls know I am here for you ALWAYS!!!!
For right now, I think I will stick to my life of the unknown, I kinda like it that way. I like being able to plan things spur of the moment and not ask permission, I like to think that I can pick up and move at anytime, and hell if I feel like staying out all night I CAN!!!
This has been on my mind, as the baby bug is going around.... I have not caught the bug. Therefore I am no longer drinking the water at work, I really think it has something to do with all the new mommy's to be :) No really I do.
I hope my mommy's to be do not take offense to this blog, because I really do love you dearly and I am here for you.
Just wanted to post my personal thoughts on the matter concerning ME! Just so we are clear, I do not want to be sent home with a gift basket of KY Jelly and Pregnancy tests, I think a box of condoms and birth control is more my style, RIGHT MEL..... lol
I am not next, not for a while. In the mean time I will love watching you guys raise your precious one's and when the time comes (if ever) I will need your help and advice.... First I want my sports car and condo in Seattle or my Flat in New York....
Xoxo

I ROCK!!!

OK so for all of you dumb assholes who think that I can't do things on my own, you have another thing coming. I know that I depend on the men in my life for all the stuff that men typically do such as, checking my oil, fixing things that need to be fixed, or killing spiders, lol...
I will fully admit that I am not the greatest when it comes to putting things together or fixing things. Lets just say I generally mess it up somehow. That has all changed!

Yesterday, seeing as I had the day off, I thought that I would do something productive, makes some changes, get organized. One of the things I needed to organize the most is my books. I have so many books, no joke! They are stacking up along all my walls, by the piles... I am not kidding... I got my laptop out, went straight to IKEA and BINGO, found some shelves for 20 bucks... YAY! I got in my car and headed straight there.

Now I have never been to IKEA, but my brother swears by it, and hey $20 bookshelves, who can beat that? So why not check it out.
OMG! That is all I can say... I LOVE IKEA!!!! I spent about 2 hours in there, just looking, yes looking. Finally I get to the area that had the bookshelves and spent another half hour deciding what shelf to get. I finally decided on the one that I wanted, $50 over budget, but hey I LOVE IT!!!! Now.... how to get it home. HHHMMMM....

I have an Acura RSX2, a very small car, in case you didn't know. But I was determined to get it home. I was going to fit it into my car... Somehow.....
Now I am a little person, and the shelves were bigger than me. So I had two problems.... How was I going to carry it, and how was it going to fit in my car?

If you had been there that day in the parking lot by the loading zone watching me, I am sure you would have gotten your laugh of the day.
Here I was trying to pick it up, slide it a car that was to small, but DETERMINED to make it fit, Oh, yeah I forgot to mention, it was hailing...... BAD!!!! (I have the bruises on my leg, and a knot on my head to prove it).
Well, finally an older man helped me and we made it fit!!! Mission accomplished!

So I drive home with my shelves in my car, the box is literally right between the two front seats, and yes I drive a stick, so shifting was difficult. Non the less I made it home....

Now to get it to my room. I was determined to do this by myself, No help, just me and my book shelf.
Carefully I maneuver the box that is taller than me, and weighs over half of what I weigh out of my car, in the house and down two flights of stairs. SUPER! I did it!

Now the hard part.... Assembly.... Now as I mentioned before this is not my strong suit. I am not good at this part, but again I was determined to do this by myself.
So I ripped open the box, got the instructions, pulled out my girlie tool kit my dad got me for Christmas, counted the parts according to the instructions and I was on my way.
So far so good.

After about an hour I was proudly looking at my new book shelf, completely assembled by yours truly! I was so excited, I don't think you can even imagine! Laugh all you want this is a big accomplishment for me. For once everything turned out right. I had no extra parts, and everything looked just right!

Now I can proudly look at my project and know I did it on my own. So you see I am not completely inefficient, I can do it, yes I can! I know most of you might be laughing, and hey that's ok, I am proud of myself, I am proud that I was able to do it on my own.

So yes in a nutshell I ROCK!!!!

Mentally Exhausted…..Or just checking out????

A little bit of both… I think… Time to prioritize my life, get back into gear, leave all the bullshit behind…. YUP, that is exactly what I need to do. So that is exactly what I am doing.
After a long and tedious summer, not one of the best might I add… I wrecked my car, didn’t get my dream job, procrastinated about going back to school, and had some not so great health problems. So I sulked for a while, felt sorry for myself, cried, and then realized I am being a baby…. Ok so everyone has their moments, this was defiantly one of mine. So I asked myself, what am I going to do about it?
I hate my current job, I hate it so much that I despise going to work everyday, and come home a complete bitch because of all the stupid shit I have to put up with all day. I have realized that my anxiety is solely related to my job…. HHHMMMM, change of pace I think so….
So what am I going to do about it? I am checking out, that is what I am going to do about it. I am so exhausted that I can’t even think. I should not be exhausted, I am young, I should be happy, content, experiencing life, or at least getting on with life.
I have some big changes ahead of me. I have been looking for a new job, so what if I didn’t get the job I really wanted, it just wasn’t meant to be. That perfect job is out there waiting, and if I don’t look I am never going to find it… I am however becoming an expert at interviewing 
Next thing I registered for school, I start next month. I am really excited about this because I can get my teaching certificate and move out of the financial industry, not for a few years, but hey I am working on it, that is the important thing. They are taking all of my previous college credits, so that means I have almost 2 years to go before I get my bachelors degree… YAY for me… I think that this will keep me busy for a while, and give me something to look forward to…
Another thing I have been concentrating on is my writing, after all, my dream is to have at least one book published. Writing keeps me sane; it gets me going and is my true love, corny I know… Hey it is the truth. I may not become a famous writer, and that’s ok. I love to write more than anything, so making this a priority everyday is important. So far so good.
So in the next few months these are my goals and my priorities, so I may check out from time to time. I need to concentrate on me for a while, and get my mind and life in gear. I know I am taking the right steps in doing so and I feel good about it. People that hold me back or don’t support me, well you are not my friends and you can peace out…. Really you can…
I am probably going to be more exhausted than I am now, but bring it on… I am so ready for a change in pace….

Thought for Today

So when life is not going the way you want it to, job, friends, social life whatever... It should never make you crazy.... You just need to get over it move on and figure out the parts that are driving you insane and eliminate it.... Ok so this is just my thought for today as I have been pondering a few things lately.... :)

The Other Side of Me

Why is it that life can be rolling around all la-te-da, then BAM…..The whole earth shatters at your feet? One minute you are walking along, thinking “wow everything is finally falling into place” Then you are hit incredibly hard with a rock straight to your head…. Yeah… I guess that is life….

I know, I know I seem to be complaining a lot, and really I have no need to. I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, and food on my table. For me it’s just a personal thing. I am sure it has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that my emotions are a freaking roller coaster, or the fact that I have hardly accomplished any of my personal goals in life….Ok, Ok I know whoa is me…… I guess it has just been one of those days, weeks, years maybe????

Well whatever it is I need to step out of this funk and get a hold of myself…. My god… What a little baby I am being… Ok not really, but maybe…..

Sometimes I feel that so much has happened in my life and it’s hard for me to let people in, then when I do, it’s even harder for me to trust. Along with trust comes revealing my dark side, not something I really want to do. I am not going to go into great detail here, but I guess I am trying to vent…. I can not shake this case of the blues that has been hanging over my head for way to long… Do something about it! I know, I know…..
I am trying….. But what do I do????

Life has thrown me way too many curve balls and they are getting a little harder to dodge now days… I have a great feeling of dissatisfaction with myself and I am having a hard time turning that around.

Build your self up…. Then break yourself down, the true story of my life… What doesn’t kill us only makes us stronger….. Fight…….

I write everyday to keep myself sane, I try even harder to please the one’s I love, yet nothing ever seems to pan out. Maybe this is just my thoughts.

Ok, Ok enough already…. My eyes are tired, my thoughts are blurred. This is the ther side of me.

Struggles and Such

Sometimes life takes us down a path that was not intended upon. It takes us down a road less traveled, rocky, jagged, and unknown. The thought of not knowing what is going to happen is something that digs deep inside of me and comes out like a scream not yet heard by others.
Looking back at my life I have come to realize that I am lucky, lucky to be here, alive. My life has not been easy, and I blame no one, it is a road that I chose to take, a road that lead me into places I wish upon no one. At times I think it made me stronger, other times I feel it has made me weaker. The choices I made have put me in a position that I wish not to be in. I am still here existing, living, I have a roof over my head, a family who loves and supports me and a handful of friends that I adore.

Then there is the other side of me, the side that is afraid of everything, trusting, loving and finding me. There is the side that has been hurt so many times I can’t bear to let my heart be exposed, the side that questions everything and everyone around me, wondering is there an ulterior motive behind your kindness. My poor friends never know what side of me to expect. Happy today, sad tomorrow. How can I make you understand it’s not you? I can’t, I am sorry for that. This is the part of my life where I feel weakest.

I guess I am writing this because I need to look back and read, understand, know why I am. Life sets off so many challenges, so many obstacles, which do you, choose? Which do you turn away from? Why is it so hard to exist, when all around goes about their merry little way? Why do some people live a charmed life, when others have to work so hard? Why do people judge and hate, when others love and give? I had a friend tell me the other day that he felt so lucky that he had his life; this was after meeting my friends. Now the comment angered me, one he has never made me feel small before, and now after meeting some people I work with, his life is so charmed? What makes him lucky and the others not? He has been given everything and worked harder for what he has, but some of us are not that lucky, some of us have not had a handful of money thrown at us growing up, we have not had the luxury of our college education paid for and not having to work. This is a very good friend that I have never felt threatened by his wealth, he has never made me feel inferior before and he has been there for me so much in the last few months that I honestly don’t know what I would have done had he not been there. The remark, it cut deep, almost too deep……

Maybe that is why I am writing this. As I said before I am not where I pictured myself at this age, I had hoped to accomplish many things, with the struggles in my past I still feel I have come a long way, but now I feel nothing. I feel hurt, hurt by a remark that I would have never expected from a friend who has been there through so much. I am trying, I am trying to clean up my mistakes and move forward. I am trying to recover from an abusive relationship, a past that was so painful, so why when I am starting to feel stronger did this little remark cut so deep? Maybe because he see’s my friends as inferior to him, that maybe he sees’s me that way as well? I don’t know.

Writing this makes me feel a little better, but I am still hurt. This is the part where I seclude myself in my room wrapped up with a book, or feeling sad, trying to think of the positive, but knowing I have to deal with my emotions right now. I will get over it, just needed to write it down I guess. Sort it out; maybe I am looking a little too deep, maybe not.

One thing I know for sure is that I am me, I have been through a lot, but that does not make me less of a person than anyone, it does not make me inferior to you or anyone. I still struggle day to day and I live day to day. I may not have accomplished as much as some people my age, but I am here still living and one day I will be the strong person I know I can be.

Peace

Sometimes

Lately in life it seems like things are moving in the fast lane. Everything seems to be going great, Life as I know it is starting to come together.

Sometimes things change for the good, sometimes for the bad, but I am learning you just have to roll with the punches. Since I have left Denver I feel like I have become so much more, I have grown as a person and am completely different than when I left Denver. These last two years since I moved here has been a complete roller coaster. I almost lost my mind, no seriously. lol But I have learned so much about myself.

The things that happen in life no matter good or bad, shape us to be who we are, you can either take that and learn from it, or waste it away. One thing I have learned is that you can't plan your future. It is what is it, and the more you try to plan the more you are going to miss out on. I believe that everything happens for a reason, and if it's meant to be it will be.

Now don't get me wrong I have goals for myself but they are always changing. I thought at the age of sixteen that I would be married and have kids by this time. Well, that is not where I'm at now, and I am glad that I didn't settle for someone who might have been the one, because now I realize they were not the one. I also thought that I would become a doctor or nurse, but that was before I discovered my passion for writing.

So you see it's ok to have goals and dreams, but it's also ok to have different goals as you discover life. It doesn't make you a failure, things change it's inevitable and there is nothing you can do about it, except, accept it.

I have no idea why I am writing this, just something I have been pondering lately. I guess since it's been 2 years since I have moved here I have been thinking a lot about what has changed in my life, and I can honestly say it is for the better. I could get really personal and go into my changes but I think I will save that for another day, another blog.

Ok well I will leave it at that. :)