Tits for Tats

What If

2012-01-24T22:33:00.000-08:00

There is little lost in life except the dreams you had when you were little. Sometimes I find myself wondering what if. But I guess don't we all. I know at my age there is nothing I can really do about my dreams because I am to old to become professionally what it is I dreamed when I was little.

But I gave it up for something new, and I succeeded, and it made me happy for a while, then on to the next. But I have never really regretted anything like I regret this. Now I am in a new profession that is both challenging and rewarding but I would give anything to go back in time and do over the past. Not give up the passion that I felt when I was on stage dancing. I feel that way about writing too. Writing is also something I have done since I was little. But there is so much in life you want to experience when you are young, how do you know what you will regret until you are older? I guess that is the risks we take for the fun or experiences we choose to have. The places that we have been or the people we have become. When it all comes down to it can you say it was worth it?

I think all the time about what might have been, what if. But that is life, it can go in a million different paths. I might not have fallen in love here, or moved, or graduated college, I might still be in my home town. I have no idea. It is crazy to think of where life may have taken you if.....

xoxo

Friends With Benefits - Booty Call - One Night

2012-01-08T02:56:00.000-08:00

Are you ever to old to be making "booty calls"? Do guys/girls (I am going to add in girls here so not to be sexist) really think that the other person is not on to them? You would think that by the time a guy/girl reaches a certain age that they would understand that calling after a certain time is obliviously a calling for a little more than just "hanging out". I am way past my staying up until 3am and partying phase, so why would you call me when you are at work, knowing you do not get off until 2am and want to hang out afterward? NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. (Not personal here)

Although a person may not be looking for anything serious, that does not mean you have to be a doormat either. As Carrie stated in Sex in the City a text after 11pm is a booty call.
So what causes a guy/girl to drive towards this behavior? Is it the person is leading them on, or is it just because they thinks they can? Awe the long history between men and women.....

In my experience, the one night - booty call - friend with benefits thing does not work out well in the long run. It is only human nature that emotions eventually come into play. When that happens usually the booty call/friend with benefits becomes a nightmare. I am not saying it is always the woman who is the bonded one either, the male can be just as capable as "falling" as the woman. So I really write this from two perspectives.

1) - my best friend who is a female - the ultimate player (I actually have a second in mind as well, but she has since settled down). She picks them up and drops them like flies. A little remorse the next day but she moves on pretty quickly. The emotion does not come into play here, my theory - they are just one night stands.

2) My male best friend from high school - he was pretty much with every girl that he laid eyes on (I was NOT included in that). Same as my best friend, no emotional bond, again I think it may have been the one night stand here. However, he was known to have dated a few girls at once and really have no feelings towards any of them (really used to piss me off). Here I don't understand, maybe this is a guy thing, but to me I could see no bond. He would date these girls, as I said a few at a time (sometimes sleeping with 2 in one night) and not care about their feelings. When he was done with them, he was done. Just like that. Moving forward.

However, I also know some really incredible guys who would never do that, but have admitted to the behavior in the past. I myself have been in serious relationships since high school, (OK, there was a brief period where I did have a little fun, but it was brief and in that time I met my ex which lasted 2 years).

My experience with my ex, he moved and we tried or so I thought, anyway it got complicated. Like I said it does not work, to many emotions. I myself feel like I am always the one getting hurt, so I put my foot down, and now I am the bitch. i.e friends with benefits does not work. Especially long distance!

Now lets move on to the famous booty call, There is a specific difference between a booty call and friends with benefits situation. A definition I found for booty call - A 'Booty Call' is when someone specifically calls someone late in the evening for a date,and the whole point in this is for sexual intercourse to end the night.

Whereas with a benefits situation relates to someone you have some type of a relationship with.

Anywaysso I think that it is established thatthe Booty Call lives in a attractive grey area somewhere between theone-night-stand and the relationship and serves to stream consenting adultswith a high-energy sexual release without the baggage and time involved indating. Believe it or not here are the rules......

1. Brunch is the Enemy of the Booty Call

This may seem a little harsh, Once you're done, get up, get dressed and go home. If you're having a Booty Call because you don't want to sleep alone, you're in dangerous territory and emotional involvement is lurking somewhere around the corner. If you end up sleeping over, there's only one place for things to go and that's brunch. Brunch is the enemy of the Booty Call. You didn't make the call because you wanted to chat over a cup of coffee. Your friends can supply you with that.

2. No Timetables

Do not call your Booty Call and make solid plans. Bad move! The key to successful Booty Calling is to keep things uncomplicated, relaxed and elastic. If you make the call on a schedule, things are going to get very stale very fast. And if you wanted stale sex, you would just go ahead and get married . DO NOT THINK RELATIONSHIP!

3. No Meeting in Public

Again, this may seem a little harsh, but this rule is definitely a good one to follow. Remember this: meeting in public is called "a date." You should only live in an erotic fantasy world that doesn't exist outside of the bedroom.

4. Look Good
Just because it's not a date you're still going to have to make an effort to look and smell good. Make sure your Booty Calls get accepted by staying on top of your appearance. After all, letting things slide with the way you present yourself is for those people in long-term relationships.

5. Expect Nothing
If your Booty call stops calling you or stops accepting your calls, don't take it personally. Remember, it was never a personal relationship to begin with.

6. Be Open & Honest
I know this sounds dangerously like "relationship talk" but trust me, as long as you know where things stand right off the top, and then you won't have to deal with any real relationship talks later on. Just be tactful and make sure that you're both on the same page.

7. Be Safe
It's the 21^st century: should I really have to go into this? Just remember to protect yourself so you can enjoy Booty Calls well into your golden years. Seriously people be on top of this one!

8. Timing
No calls before 9:30 pm. No calls after 1:30 am. The Booty Call is definitely not for everyone. You have to be able to draw a distinction between the emotional and the sexual. But if you do it right, the good times are guaranteed. Just remember: don't call collect.

So who would have ever thought there would be rules to the whole subject matter, but there you go!

I will end on this note, for all - don't be a doormat, don't let anyone take advantage of you. People can be asses. Make sure you are on the same page with the person with whom you are involved with. The most important person is you and if you are going to go any of the one nighters - friends with benefits - or be a booty call or be the caller remember the rules.

xoxo

Guilty or Innocent

2012-01-03T19:51:00.000-08:00

I have to wonder why is it that people always say that the justice system will work for you. If you are innocent you will be proven so, and if not, well, off you go. I have had a little trouble recently with a little trouble I got into a long time ago. The thing is I didn't really get into trouble if this makes any sense at all. I was arrested and let go because I was innocent, end of story. At the time the police were trying to make an example out of kids caught doing ecstasy, and fortunately for me, I was not. I just happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time. However the arrest as I found out is on my record for life.

What I don't understand is, why put the arrest on your record but not the outcome? I mean I haven't been in trouble since, nor was I prosecuted then and all charges were dropped. But does my record show that? Not a chance. So what have I had to do? Go back to a state that I no longer live in and try to get a letter from the courts where there is no record of me because the case never went to court. A BIG HASSLE! Not to mention an embarrassment for me in having to explain all of this to my new boss.
So my question is this, why do they not put this information on your record? And why do they treat you so horribly when you try to get something stating you are in fact innocent when those people can clearly see that you are? I mean people are always saying how criminals are repeat offenders and "will they make it out in society". So why do you make it so hard for any of us, those who are innocent, and even those who are not.
I can absolutely see now why criminals repeat their offences, it is much easier for them to go back then to face the ridicule. I was treated like crap and I didn't even do anything, I can only imagine what it is like for those that actually did commit a crime.
If you want people to be productive in life shouldn't you be the ones helping them, and if you don't like your job, then get a new one, instead of acting like a complete ass to those of us that are trying to make something out of our lives. I have worked very hard to get where I am today, and for you to treat me like a complete idiot is wrong.
If you choose to work in the court systems or for the police and I understand that you may know the statistics better than me, but to stereo type all individuals is biased, especially in your line of work. You people of all people should know innocence until proven guilty, or be able to weed the bad from the good. If you have gotten to the point where you hate your job, and you see all people as bad, it is time to retire or find a new job (I will add this is the case in any profession).
I believe that our systems should be better, if you have the time to make an arrest record for someone, then you should have the time to complete that record to show the outcome, guilty or innocent. It would save a lot of time, money and maybe some peoples sanity.

Gone another Year

2011-12-31T18:11:00.000-08:00

2011 is coming to a close and this year unlike so many in the past has brought changes that I have never thought possible. As I sit here and wait for my best friend I can't help but remember a New Year's Eve long ago that was with someone special that is now gone. I would give anything to have him here now, but as life goes on so must I. It's funny how many New Year's Eve's I have spent and that is the only one I can really seem to remember clearly (not because I was out of it :) But because I was with so many people I cared about. All of whom are now far away, some in heaven. That one night was special, we were all together, happy, and having fun. Yet we were so young and had no idea of what lie ahead of any of us. If I only knew then what I know now I would have held on just a little tighter, for just a little longer.
But like then, it is in the past, and so is this last year and I have to learn to let the things that hurt go and move forward to what is waiting tomorrow. If there is one thing I have learned in these past two years, life is short, and unexpected. You truly do not know what is going to happen, or when it is going to end.
I have my resolutions, but I have them written down for me. I will not post them here, they are mine to accomplish or change.
Life is one big fishbowl, a looking glass, a trampoline. Whatever it is I am glad I get to live it. Though it has been hard, I have some pretty incredible people who have been there for me along the way. All they have taught me I have grown through them, and even though we are all spread out now, I love them still.
So here is to 2012, I have no idea what is in store for me, but I have learned to expect the unexpected. There is no such thing as stable.
Happy New Year!
xoxo

Reach or Settle

2011-12-30T18:28:00.000-08:00

Moving on in life from the past can be hard, and when do you know that you are ready to move on? I watch the show "How I Met Your Mother" and the other night there was an interesting point brought up. Robin and Ted told Marshall that there is always a reacher and a settler in a relationship. Do you think this is the case? That one person settles in the relationship, while the other reaches for that person? Point taken on a few of my past relationships. The reason, plain and simple-loneliness. However, now that I have been single for the better part of two years and have had no time for any type of relationship I am starting to wonder if I am heading in the direction of settling again.....I am in a position to start my life over and have the career of my dreams, do I want distract myself with a distraction? I have always been a high achiever and once I set my mind on something, everything else gets put on the back burner, which brings me back to my first point. Am I ready to move on, or is this just an excuse? Being alone is something that I have learned to live with, and having a full time relationship just seems like to much work. Not ready to "settle" or just not the right person? My parents are patiently waiting for grand-kids from me and my brother, they had no idea that both of us would turn out to be so involved in school and work. Always reaching for that next big thing. I feel bad, I am just not sure if I will ever have kids, as for my younger brother, that's a whole other ball game. I am not saying that I want to live the high life, but I get bored easy. I do not want the white picket fence, Subaru, 2.5 kids and split level house, with a dog, so to speak. I want to live my life the way I want to live it and find someone who shares my interests. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that having those things is bad, for some that is their dream, and that is OK, it's just not my dream. For the last five or six years I kinda of did things for other people, and did what was expected. I got stuck in a rut, a bad rut. Then I had a few eye opening experiences that brought me reeling back to reality, and I now have a second chance to actually do this for me and my life, after all I have to live it right? So I can't settle for what might be good now, just because. I am not a settler, I am a reacher. I do not need a distraction that has no real interest in my life, or I should say my interests. I am getting old enough now that I can't waste someone else's time, it's not fair to them, nor me. If I am going to give my self to someone it needs to be to someone who wants to experience life with me, because right now I don't know where I am going. I know one thing for sure, I have an opportunity of a lifetime with a career that I have always wanted, and that is something I can not give up. So decision is to reach.

Integrity at Stake, As a New Life Begins

2011-11-23T05:38:00.000-08:00

"Oh, my friend, it's not what they take away from you that counts. It's what you do with what you have left" ~Hubert Humphrey

There are times in life when your integrity is at stake, your dreams of tomorrow that may seem shattered, or a piece of you that was hurt to the point of tears and heartbreak. We are all human, we will cause heartbreak, as well as experience it.

My question is what is the cost of your integrity? A friendship, a climb up a shared hierarchy? Your religious ethics? How far would you go to end the path of a trusted comradeship, which was invested in for years?

Sycophant: A mean-spirited brown-nosing social climber who would not hesitate to step on those who helped brings them to the top.

Brown-Noser: One who is excessively eager to please another in order to win favor or personal gain.

"The hedonic-treadmill theory says every time you achieve a goal, you set your sights on the next one, if your main goal is high status, you won't enjoy it once you're there.” (Art Markman, a University of Texas psychologist) Ladder climbing, winning favor, by stepping on people to get status, can be a case of low self-esteem, or be motivated by increasing merit.

I hesitate to use the word backstabber here, instead use the words morally wrong – unethical, flexible morals, seeing what is wrong and right as they see fit, when it suits them.

Can a person hold their head up high, as they take credit for work they no longer do, or look a person in the face and lie, set them on a path that ruins their credibility? Personality type Machiavellian typically categorized as "High Mach".

Social climbers suck up because, it often works. Status in any group is based on two key things: what you can bring to the table and how much you are willing to self-sacrifice. Interesting thought and a scary practice if you are on the side of the target.

There is an upside, although a person’s integrity may be at stake, if that person knows in their heart they did the right thing, they can walk with their head held high. A heart may have been broken, a friendship may have been dissolved, and a character may have been tarnished, but what is right is right. There is no black and white, owning up to a mistake is hard, but admitting to lie you did not commit is going against values that are strongly believed in.

A door is opened; new opportunities arise, and a new life begins. Although it is scary, God has a plan for everyone. Moving forward to grow and prosper, and not hold back is the only option for the future.

There will always be that person who has the “flexible morals” and will sacrifice their integrity to gain their needs over others. Eventually that strong yearning to be liked and admired, will fade, people will see that person for who they are.

On a personal note, I believe the truth will set you free, my parents have always taught me that, it may be a challenging path along the way, but will lead to happiness, and my values will be with me always.

“Any change, any loss, does not make us victims. Others can shake you, surprise you, disappoint you, but they can't prevent you from acting, from taking the situation you're presented with and moving on. No matter where you are in life, no matter what your situation, you can always do something. You always have a choice and the choice can be power” ~ Blaine Lee

Where you Wear your Heart

2011-09-22T19:55:00.000-07:00

Emotions seem to run high in life, at times it seems that the people who are closest to you are not what they seem to be. What does it mean exactly to wear your heart on your sleeve? Why would that be a bad thing, and how would that hinder your attempts in life, career, education, etc. People are who they are shaped into based on their experiences, losses, loves, lessons, and life. You are supposed to remember the compliments and forget the insults, however, this is something I have not yet mastered. Trying to be happy, and living in a world to make myself happy, is hard enough. Having to show my heart is never easy, and at a point when someone tells you that you wear your heart on your sleeve and that is why you will get no where, well where do you go with that? Being alone is hard enough, and the damage has already been done. So you breath, you get up, you try to smile, cry in silence, and put your heart away, where it belongs. There are people in life who do not understand the art of friendship, trust, and proper communication. For those on the receiving end of a person such as that, well - put away your self and your heart.

Do we ever really get over it?

2011-02-24T09:50:00.000-08:00

People go on through life with a smile on their face, but do you ever know what is deep down inside? Can you feel past the exterior, and see the feelings of what is behind the eyes. Some people hurt more than others, while some go through life hurting others.

"Sometimes you put up walls not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down" - sound familiar?

Why should you have to put up walls? Why should you have to deal with the pain of sometimes being alone? You are not immune. You cannot turn your feeling off like a faucet. Sometimes it is not even easy to put on a smile when you know you have to. However, life is like that sometimes.

Why is it that people feel the need to be destructive to others? What is the satisfaction in hurting a person who is supposed to be your friend? The person on the receiving end, do they ever really recover?
Little by little, the hole in their heart grows a little deeper, and their self-esteem drops. Loneliness and seclusion seem to be a viable option for the person. Depression sets in and thoughts invade their mind of ending it all…..
Why? Because of the hurt a person can cause, the walls a friend who is supposed to be a friend made you put up.

So yes, many of us can walk around with smiles on our faces, a mask worn to hide the hurt deep down inside, but many of us have walls built high around our hearts, to protect the damage that has been done.

“You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you don not want to feel” – especially pain. This seems to overtake the happiness at times.

Final words – “In this world full of pain and sorrow, maybe once in a lifetime, you’ll find someone who will make you feel wonderful. Hang on to that someone no matter what!”

~

Food for Thought - Mind Boggling Night

2010-12-06T18:38:00.000-08:00

How much do we really know about what really goes on inside the minds of us? I have been thinking so much lately, and pondering happiness, and my future. Do I really want to walk in my graduation ceremony? The theories of Human nature can be extrinsic, yet necessary.

Take for example Rene Descartes, you may recognize him from his famous quote "I think therefore I am" Descartes argued that a human being is essentially a thing that thinks. The soul can exist without a body, not to far off if you believe that your soul goes to heaven after you die. Descartes went through a series of meditations, being awake, yet asleep and not known the realm between the two, to prove the existence of God. Some thought this was crazy at the time, and keep in mind it was at a time in history when God was in question with some philosophers. or rather an existence. of a higher power. Descartes relied on his senses and was certain that he was awake and not asleep when encountering God and concluded God was not a deceiver, completely free from error. However Descartes acknowledges the weakness of our nature. Food for thought...

Meditate at sunset. It will draw out the darker emotions and stresses, as you feel the warmth fall from your face and slide into the horizon.

Looking on the writings on Karl Marx, who in my opinion is greatly misunderstood. Communism, is greatly misunderstood. People talk today about how we are headed for a Marxis society - It would be a socialist society, but the truth of the matter is, if Mr. Marx saw what is happening today he would be rolling over in his grave. Communism is not about dictatorship, which many people associate it with, China, Cuba, Stalin, and Lennon. Yes they did have idea's of Karl Marx, However, communism is not a dictatorship. Karl Marx vision was for a workers utopia. True Communism is in which there is not a state and no vestige of property, in which human beings realize their genuine social nature. Marx was against capitalism, believing it created artificial human needs in order to sell products and profit from other human needs, going unfilled. Capitalism places value on what a human has rather that what he/she is. - Get it, not so bad. Although dictators used this to their advantage, taking the profit of the people, not allowing them their share but taking it for themselves, causing currency to be paid to them, instead of the trading and sharing that should have been going to the people. This is why communism has a bad reputation. I am not saying that communism would work, but Karl Marx's idea's were not the intentions of the evil that spawned. - Something to further research. Also Fredric Engels was a great friend and confident to Karl Marx, interesting guy, he wrote many of Marx's books as Marx was not a writer, if you ever pick up his books you will see what I mean :)

History calls those men the greatest who have ennobled themselves by working for the common good; experience acclaims as happiest the man who has made the greatest number of people happy. - Karl Marx (1837)

I leave you with some things I need to practice

Listening -

Effective listening is more than simply avoiding the bad habit of interrupting others while they are speaking or finishing their sentences. It's being content to listen to the entire thought of someone rather than waiting impatiently for your chance to respond. We often treat communication as if it were a race.

Choose your Battle Wisely

It's suggested that life is filled with opportunities to choose between making a big deal out of something or simply letting it go, realizing it doesn't really matter. If you choose your battles wisely, you'll be far more effective in winning those that are truly important. There is so much frustration in living the type of life that you lose track of what is truly relevant. Life is rarely exactly what we want it to be - so let us make what we can in the time we have here, we don't know when that time is gone.

One more thing -

Within Stillness there is great beauty. Inner beauty comes from great stillness

Good night

Resources

Theories of Human Nature

Classic and Contemporary Readings

Donald C. Abel

November 8, 2009 - Soul Shattered

2010-11-18T05:37:00.000-08:00

November 8, 2009 will be a day in my life that took a part of my soul, even though I would not know about it until over a year later. In fact 1 year and 2 days to be exact. November 10, 2010 is the day I found out the news that shattered my soul and a part of me died along with the person who held apart of my soul. JRM my only love was taken from the earth from a heroin overdose, exactly one month shy of his 29th birthday and exactly 1 year after he moved back to Colorado from California.
The day I found out I was dreaming about him and I woke up and looked at my phone as I do when I always wake up and I had a friend request on FB from his sister. It was early in the morning and I thought I was still dreaming. It had been a while since I had heard from either one of them. I went back to sleep. I woke again, sat up straight and looked at my phone and no it wasn't a dream, she really did request my friendship.
In my heart, I knew something had happened a long time ago. We have never gone this long without talking, and we ALWAYS talked to each other on our birthdays. I did not hear from him on his birthday in 2009, nor did I hear from him on my birthday last April. I knew in my heart. Is that weird, I mean could I have had some type of premonition? We always had this connection. He knew me, I knew him. We had that connection that we didn’t have to say much we just knew what the other was thinking before the other said anything.
Now he is gone, I didn’t get to say goodbye. I will never get to hear him laugh. God that infectious laugh. I miss him so much it hurts. He was that person that when you hug you fit perfectly together, there was no adjustment to get comfortable. We just fit, like one person.
I have been talking to his sister and it is great, I miss her too. I have known her since she was twelve. She is 22 now. Wow. I need to go back to Denver; I need to see his Mom and his sister.
My heart is devastated; a piece of me is gone. I know we have not been together for a long time, but we were still close, he was my best friend, he always held apart of my soul and always will.
So many people said he was not the same person, that may be true, but when I talked to him, when he poured his heart out to me in his letters, he was still the same person to me. He never changed toward me. And so many people are surprised at everything that I know; I guess they really didn’t know how close we were. That’s ok, he will always be in my heart forever. I will never forget the person, he was, how much he loved, how big his heart was, how he protected me. I also can’t forget the bad, because there was bad, but I am not going to remember him for that. He was good, and I know he is in heaven with angels. I hope he knows how much I loved/love him and that I will never forget him and that he will always hold apart of my soul. November 8, will always be a day that took away one of the most precious things on this earth. You will be missed
Xoxo

For the Decisions we Make and the ones we Trust

2010-03-02T19:17:00.000-08:00

Everyday we must make decisions, decisions that will impact our life. Who do we talk too? Who will listen? Who are the people telling us to make those decisions? Living in a world of oblivion, not understanding yourself and not having anyone who understands you enough to give you sound advise on decisions is a hardship. Who do we trust? Who do we trust enough to make the decisions that impact our life enough to make them too. We don't.... It's hard when you make a decision to live a life to yourself, when you choose you live a life where you let no one in, or did you choose that?
When you have no one there to help you make the decisions of your life, you must be doing something wrong. Instead of listening, you have some criticizing. I guess when you choose a life alone you can't expect anything less.
One day I hope to allow myself to let someone in the help me make the decisions that will help me in my life, so I am not the only one making them, sometimes I am not sure if I am making the right ones for me, and a little advice or a ear to listen would be nice.

Alone

2009-11-02T17:27:00.001-08:00

I sit alone, night after night,convincing myself that I have to study and that I am absorbed in work. But the truth is I am alone. I have friends but I find reasons not to see them, or they turn out to be psycho. One or the other. The ones I care about hurt me and I have to cut them out of my life instead of letting them know that they hurt me. But isn't that the best way? Push everyone away so you don't get hurt? That's how I have been for the last 4 years. I had a few good friends in there at one time, but in one way or another they hurt me. One in particular. Just recently I wrote a paper on this person and how they have inspired me, but it was just a dream, more like how I wished they had inspired me. I live in a fantasy land, wanting what I can't have, wishing I had more. People tell me I have such potential that I am going places, that I am so smart,and pretty. So why can't I see that? Why can't I be that person that so many people see? What I have done to be hurt so many times that I am numb to the pain, that I can just cut someone off and not even think about it anymore? I have become someone that I never wanted to be. alone. Alone to the world and to myself. I don't know the meaning of true friendship anymore, I don't know what it's like to have someone to talk to about my feelings and I don't know who to go to when I am scared. Alone.... thats what I am

To Me

2009-06-09T17:10:00.001-07:00

You meet someone you date pretty seriously for about 2 years then they move, and you are crushed. They helped you through a few hard spots in your life and were your best friend for a long time. Then they get a great job offer somewhere south and off they go. You cry, you feel miserable, but day by day the pain eases and you move back into the real world. You even start dating again. Wow it seems as if you are finally moving on. Wait...... just kidding...... That person won't stop calling you and now all the sudden it's I love you and I miss you and I hate it here where I live. They keep coming back and back and BACK.... the cycle is never ending. They pull you along, enough to make you just not get over them and then they say stuff that makes you think..... One Day Maybe.....Then they tell you the weekend they are supposed to come out to visit (a visit that you two have had planned for a long time) that they are dating someone.... Again you are crushed..... But you get over it. You move on, you even meet someone yourself. Then once again, guess what...... THEY'RE BACK!!!!!! The same old shit. No longer dating someone, missing you, missing Portland, missing everything that they can no longer have. So what do you do? Isn't enough, enough.... How much longer can you take this bullshit, this leading by a leash, the maybe's the I don't knows, the I love u one day and the next I am out.... WHAT THE FUCK EVER. You should be over it, how much heartbreak can one person take? I'll tell you, enough that you'll still keep putting up with it. Until you put a stop to it, it's going to continue. ON and ON and ON. When one person cannot make up their mind the other person suffers for it, of course they are stupid for sticking around long enough to deal with it. But what ever. I guess you'll never get over it until your ready and that just may mean to push that person out of your life, maybe not forever but for a while. Give your heart some time to heal. Move on......
Food for thought.

Fast Lane

2009-04-21T14:27:00.001-07:00

At this very moment in time I don't think I have ever been this stressed out in my life. I am moving this weekend, I have a class that is incredibly hard I have a new class I was accepted into on Monday nights (kinda a psychology class) and I have been up every night until 12am just to get my homework done. Midnight might not seem late to you but I get up at 3:30am to be to work at 5, so midnight is very late for me. I try to sleep on my lunch breaks, and that's most of the sleep I get. I write because I feel like I can't talk to anyone about this, they just don't understand. But my life just might run over me right now. I do not think I can keep up. At the rate I am going I am going to go off the deep end. Then there is that small problem I am having wit my meds. They are making my body out of whack. So there is a possibility I may have to go off of them. That would not be good. I wouldn't be able to work or finish school....... SCARY THOUGHT! I still don't feel better after writing this, but I am sure a bottle of jack and a bunch of sleeping pills will clear it up for tonight. Good Thought!

Your Opinion Please

2009-04-06T18:44:00.000-07:00

So I have a friend who will go nameless, for privacy reasons, but my friend is confused. You see he met a girl about a year ago and they kinda had a thing going on, but this girl has so much drama and shit going on in her life he decided that he didn't need that in his life right now. Not to mention the girl was much younger, still into the whole party till 4am every night kinda thing, anyways you get my point. As my friend tells me the sex was great, but not enough to put up with all the bullshit, so he distanced himself from her. Let me say one other thing, she was famous for calling at all hours of the night, 12, 2, even 4 am, very annoying.
So a year goes by and they run into each other again, she tells him the drama is not as bad and she seems interested again. (she was very interested before until my friend cut her off) So he thinks why not? Maybe she has changed after all it's been a year, a lot can change in a year. Yeah not really in my opinion. They had the one fun night and now it's back to the same old shit. Calling at all hours of the night (booty call I suspect) luckily he doesn't answer.(who is up that late, I mean really?) Drama is still there, no ex drama but some other drama that is pretty serious. OK so can you handle that? Maybe if the person called when they said they were going to call and maybe if they made time for him other than at 1230 at night. Maybe just maybe...... My advice..... FORGET HER! It is quite obvious she has not changed and my friend is a really nice guy, good looking and has a lot going for himself. Why should he waste his time on her? It quite obvious in my mind that partying is all she cares about, of course she is young. I partied when I was young so did my friend, in fact we partied together, many times. But my thing is if you really like someone would you not make time for them other than 3 in the morning? Would you not want to hang out when your not working.... If you not to hungover that is. Maybe I am jumping the gun here, but I don't want to see my friend get hurt.
We all have things going on in our life some more serious than others, but wouldn't you want someone to lean on if that be the case? Maybe this person is a really good person and wants to help. But maybe to this other person it's not what they want in their life right now. Who knows. But I did tell my friend that if this shit keeps up MOVE ON! who cares how good the sex is, you can always find it with someone who actually cares. Now please what is your opinion?

You be the Judge

2009-04-06T18:43:00.000-07:00

Do you ever wake up and think this is the first day of your life..... or the last? Do you ever dream of the future and wonder what might be? Does one thing change your whole perspective on life. You thought about something you didn't want and all the sudden it turned into something different. Suddenly you have feelings about something, something so unreal. You are at the wrong place at the right time, or maybe the right place. In any event it's something that took you by surprise. Something that knocked you out of whack. What do you have to say about it? Nothing, why because it's there. It's already out there and there is no turning back, Life is so surreal sometimes, you never know the ball it's going to throw your way. You have decisions you have to make, you have a path you have to take. Who knows if it's right or wrong, you learn. You get hurt. You move on. But the curve balls they can be so intense and how do you know how to hit them. Life. you take it for what it is and live it for what it's worth. but in the mean time how do you cope? How do you know the unknown? you don't you just keep moving.
xoxo

Change

2009-03-24T15:36:00.000-07:00

We all hate change yet it is an inevitable part of life. As we grow we change, as we learn we change, we change through our relationships, friendships, sorrows, happiness and everything else. Yet why do we resist it so much? Most of the time the change is for the better. Yes we were in a relationship that was great that ended, so why can't that be the door to something even better? Yes maybe our job description changed a little bit, but isn't that an opportunity to learn new things? OK so my class schedule changed - Oh well it's just on a different night. Things change constantly and if we don't go with the flow we will fall behind. It is hard however to tell the ones we love we things are changing especially if it effects them. But in the long run you have to do what is right for you. Life is full of surprises and change, sometimes those changes are surprises in disguise. I am just going to leave it at that.

Entitlement

2009-02-26T15:50:00.000-08:00

I have posted a couple of very irate blogs in the last few weeks, there has been some hard core drama going on at work, which unfortunately I happen to be right smack in the middle of. I am not going to name names, those of you who really know what is going on know the truth. But my question is, if the drama that is happening is not work related why should it be brought into the workplace? It should not, period, end of story. Awe but that is not the case in this story. My boss and I had a one on one this morning and he brought up the fact that I was involved in some personal problems at work..... OK I KNOW WHO!!!!!!! Why this was escalated to my manager level is beyond me, but it was and I had to tell my boss everything. For those of you who don't know I am an executive asst. to the Chief Credit Officer of the SBLC. Trust me I did not want to involve him, but because of this persons actions I was forced to tell the tale (which had ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with work!) So here I am in a conference room trying to not let the tears start to flow and explaining to him a situation that did not need to come to this level. This person said things that could jepordize my job, how this person knew is beyond me. I sure as hell would never say anything about what goes on behind closed doors. I love my job way to much!
So my second question is this, what gives the right to someone to bring up information to slander the other, is this a sense of entitlement? Do they feel that they can just go around and ruin people's lives? For retaliation maybe? Even after I stuck up to her in regards to the information that I was involved in, and it did not really end on a good note, she proceeded to tell me what I said and that basically I was lying, hell she almost had me convinced I was lying. But I stood my ground, because I know what I said and I know what I did not say. Well she did not like that to much and eventually it came to this, going to my boss about a problem that did not need to be brought into the workplace. It has gotten way out of hand..... And I am scared. Am I going to loose my job because of some crazy bullshit that this person said? She literally put a question in all my managers mind about my trust. What gives people this right? What makes them decide... "oh by the way I am going to ruin your life today". I just don't get it. Can someone please explain this to me? What fucking sense of entitlement does that give you? YOU FUCKING BITCH! Are you really happy with yourself.... most likely you are because you think you are going to get your way this time.... Not this time honey I will fight this with all my heart and no matter what I have to do to get my managers trust back I will do it. I am not bowing down to you and your selfish, childish ways. You can literally GO TO HE:LL! If you ever have an inkling that our friendship might be one day, think again.I will NEVER be your friend again, I don't even want to act civil to you at work. I want to fucking punch you and ask what the hell gives you this right..... But I am not going to stoop to your level. I am going to be an adult about this and I am going to move on. This is going to get ugly in the next few weeks and I don't know the outcome, but I will say this again, I will fight for my job, my integrity and I will earn the trust back of my team. You can do whatever you want to make yourself feel better, go right ahead. You watch and see one day this is going to come back to you, one day you are going to tell one to many lies and IT WILL come back to you. You tell so many lies now you don't even know what the truth is. So good luck with everything in your life, good luck, because one day you will be alone and I won't.

And we Move On

2009-02-20T15:25:00.001-08:00

After the dramatic week I have had I am happy to say IT'S OVER! My gosh it most emotional and ridiculous! But non the less I have learned from it and feel that a large piece of whatever has been lifted off my chest. It's funny how you find out who your true friends are when things get really bad! You become closer to those you were played against and learn to keep your mouth shut.
Today was great, I actually got to sleep in (I had school last night), I had a short day and found out I am going to be doing several project with HR, the area I eventually want to go into. So for all the bad that happened this week it ended off on a really good note! So Happy Friday
XOXO

Right and Wrong

2009-02-19T14:50:00.000-08:00

Everyone should know the difference between right and wrong, left and right, up and down, you get my point. Some people have no concept of the matter, and do what is wrong when they think it's right, and much to our dismay it causes more pain, or hurt. Even when it is clear that person is wrong and they still insist they are right and it's clear one person is hurt, no one wins, except the person who is in control. What they see is not what the rest of us see, and what they think is not logical. Sure it may be logical in their mind, but in simple minds it's not. There is a fine line between doing what is right and when you do something that is right it's a good feeling. But there are others out there, that have no concept of right. They go through their motions of always having to be right, inflicting pain on others and never taking blame when clearly they are in the wrong. And when that person takes it a step further to tell others what the destruction is, that's not right either. But we live and we learn. Most of us learn the difference between right and wrong early on in life and we grasp the concept well, while others either choose to not believe or choose to take a path that leads them to wrong. It's very simple. Keep your business to yourself, keep others business to yourself. ALWAYS follow the golden rule. Do unto yourself as you would to others. Remember life is short and by taking the way that is not right is only going to get you no where eventually. It can't make you feel good about yourself, and it can't make you a good person. But by doing what is right by others will only win you points. Think about it.
xoxo

Un Fucking Believable!

2009-02-19T14:48:00.000-08:00

Everyone has that someone in their life that is controlling, domineering and just out right gossipy. That person who tells everyone and I mean EVERYONE'S business including your own. That person who always has to control a conversation and be in control of the friendship regardless. When they loose control, they find a way to regain it through drastic measures. OK, maybe not everyone knows some one like this, but I have had the pleasure of knowing someone like this for the last year, and finally everything came to a head. It's OVER! the domineering attitude, the I ALWAYS AM RIGHT NO MATTER WHAT, the pointing out of all the flaws that I might have, the Control, OH GOD THE CONTROL!!!!!! friendship should NEVER be like this! Friendship is something you cherish, something that you hold close to your heart. When you tell a friend something that is personal, you expect that that person will keep it to themselves, and when you find out to late that is not the case, it's devastating... I finally had the courage to stick up for myself in this situation and let me tell you it has been no picnic, and I still don't know what the repercussions are going to be. But I know that what I did was right and I feel good about it. I don't deserve any of that, and neither does anyone else. You should never be in a situation like that. It's not fair, and when the person plays the victim you just feel sick to your stomach. Because you know how fake that person is. All I am saying is be careful you might be next. Watch what you say, your business may already be out there. Just think about it for a minute and you might realize what I am saying is true. I found out to late.
On that note. I feel much better, I am no longer in a controlling relationship that is dictating my life. I know this person will seek some type of revenge, but I have taken the right way out and as long as I know what I did was right that's all that matters.
xoxo

The Shack

2009-02-13T20:06:00.001-08:00

I am not sure how a lot of you feel about religion. I myself am a believer and have been for quite some time, but I won't go into my story. I will however tell you about the book I just read "The Shack". It was one of the most emotional, eye opening books I have ever read and it confirmed my faith even more. If you are going to read a book read this book, even if you are not a believer. It gives a perspective on religion that I myself have never experienced. The theme in the book is pretty complex, although you don't have to know the bible or God to relate to it, You just have to be human. The Shack dives into a lot of questions I have in life, and I am sure a lot of you have as well. It gives a spin on how things should be (this is not religiously speaking). I don't want to give away the book, I think you should read it right now, it took me only 5 hours! But to give you an understanding it's about a family who's daughter is abducted by a serial killer. The father deals with issues in relation to God and good vs evil and such. Then the book focuses on God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit, it goes into a whole new prescriptive of what God thinks and feels about human kind.
I know this may not appeal to some of you, but if you do decide to read the book I guarantee you will not be disappointed. It is about religion, but in a way that is not common knowledge. So that's why I say even if you are a non believer this is a good book. It defiantly changed the way I look at things. You can go to http://www.theshackbook.com to find out a little bit more and then decide if you want to read it. I highly recommend it. And for those of you that know me well know I am a total book worm, and would never tell you to read a book I didn't think was worthy, let alone blog about it. In fact this is the first book I have blogged about, so it must be worthy. READ IT!
Again find it at http://www.theshackbook.com
xoxo

Love Actually

2009-02-11T16:44:00.001-08:00

What is love? Is it really something you truly feel, an emotion that just passes the time with the person your with. When do you truly know you love someone. There is a difference between being in love and loving someone. Are you willing to give up everything for that person? Do you compromise yourself for that person? It is a one sided lane? To many things to think about, but I have thought about them a lot in the last few weeks. I don't know if I have ever been in love, true deep love. I have loved people and I have had deep intense feelings for people, but to love someone so whole heartily that I would give anything for them, I don't think I have experienced that yet.
I believe that there is one person out there for you, waiting somewhere in this big crazy world, and maybe I'll know it when I see it, but I have never experienced Love actually. This is kinda a sad thing at my age. I have thought I have been in love, true love, but then I realized that love doesn't make you hurt in certain ways. After the relationship ends I look at things objectively and know in my heart it was not true love. There is that song "Love Hurts" which can be true for some that are naive. How can you love someone who inflicts pain on your heart, plays with your emotions and screws with your mind. Some people do, and they put up with a lot of crap form their significant other. Is that Love? Maybe, I don't know I have never experienced it.
Sure I have put up with a lot of crap particularly from one ex of mine, but I was never in love with him, and I told him, he moved out soon after..... After being in so many relationships I have to put in my 2 cents. I have been out there, it's not like I have been single my whole life, in fact at this time this is the longest I have ever been single. But I have learned a lot about myself in that time. I know what I want and am not willing to settle for anything less as I did in the past. When I find love I want it to be forever and not just some convenience that is taking up both our times.
So speaking in love terms I don't know that much, I just hope that when it happens I will know it and appreciate it and not take it for granted as so many do.
xoxo

So It Goes

2009-02-10T15:59:00.000-08:00

Once you say something you can't just take it back, the words are always out there, no matter how you spin the come off you already put those words into play.When someone tells you something great and makes you feel like you are on top of the world it's a great feeling, but then they take it back. Like they didn't mean to say all those wonderful things to you and then act like a complete jerk. What to make of this? Words can go a long way, so can emotions and when people play with your emotions it's not a good thing.
The way I see it is they have to get their kicks somehow and then making you feel like shit is the only way they feel they have the power. I have written about power in people and how they can abuse that power, now I am talking about words.
Words can mean everything, one word can make your day, it can also break your day. One word can mean everything, and take away everything. Words are a powerful thing and some may not look to deeply into this.
I on the other hand have a great memory and remember many words spoken to me, lately it seems the words are more broken than promising. How can you just take back something that can mean so much and treat it like nothing, how can you live with yourself and your games? It must be shitty being you, because you have no feelings or remorse for what you say or do. It's never a straight talk with you, it's always yes, then no, maybe, I don't know. You are all gray and I mean that in the worst sense you could possibly take it.
I have absolutley no more patience for you or your games. So go play them on someone else. You don't realize how much pain you inflict with your condensing words, but than again it's really no concern for you, you have no heart. Plain and simple.
Words mean a lot to a lot of people, be careful of your choice of words for one day they may hurt someone more than you know, they may already have.
xoxo

Drunken Mess

2009-02-07T14:00:00.000-08:00

You always have that one person in the crowd that can not handle their alcohol, the one who gets to emotional, wants to fight, or just plain doesn't know when to stop.Yup there is one in every situation, not group, just situation.
I have been one of those drunks, shamed to say, but I think we have all been there at one time or another. But when you reach a certain age, you should be able to say enough is enough. If you are one of those people that likes to cause drama when drinking, seriously grow up. We are all adults here. Now I can attest to the fact that alcohol intensifies your feelings, I even had a guy tell me he loved me while drunk, but leave all the caddy bullshit at home.
For one you are not smarter when you are drunk, your certainly not stronger when your drunk and when your friends embarrassingly pull you out of the bar.....Honey go home. Drinking more and crying more are not going to make you feel better tomorrow. In fact I can pretty much guarantee your going to wake up and think "what the fuck did I do last night?" And then your going to feel pretty shitty. So learn a lesson, when your vision starts to blur and you start doing the bobbling thing, then your emotions suddenly come pouring out, it's a sign! STOP DRINKING AND GO HOME!!!!!!!! Do not let it fester into a clusterfuck of a night that your friends have to pick up behind you. Grow up, learn your limits and tame your drama, trust me it's better for everyone!
xoxo

Everything Happens for A Reason

2009-02-06T14:08:00.000-08:00

You work to pay the bills, you go to school to get ahead in life, and then it all comes crumbling down. I have a belief that everything and I do mean everything happens for a reason. You messed up that relationship because it was practice for the big one, the one that will count one day. You go to school to better yourself so one day, you'll have to job of your dreams. You work really hard and even though your company screws you, you work harder because one day you'll get ahead. You miss the bus one day and guess what it breaks down that afternoon (thank god you drove). You miss that car by an second and the one behind you crashes. Yes, everything happens for a reason. Whether it's good at the time or bad, we all have something we have done that we regret, but will we ever make that mistake again? We learn to become smarter, we learn to grow.
This is stemming from the bad week I have had at work, I got really bad news yesterday at work and had to keep it to myself and let it pick at me all night (which I did not sleep much) Now today everyone got the news I was so lucky to learn last night while sitting in a parking lot on a conference call. Some took it OK, but I left early today to avoid the percussion of it all. I am grateful to still have a job, but the outlook for some is not so good. My boss called me this morning and cushioned the fall for me, so I am very fortunate that this will not effect me as much. Thank god I work for such a great man! All last night I tossed and turned trying to figure out my next step and I just kept thinking why now? When everything is going so well, some very important advances in my career have been taken away from me at least temporarily. But it still SUCKS! There is no better word for it. I just keep telling myself that there are many people out there that have it way worse that me, but when it happens to you it's hard to think about the others. But I try. But in the end everything happens for a reason and I am glad to know my value with the company and one day I have to hope that more good will come out of this than bad. But we live in the now, and that's all we can do.
xoxo

Can things Get Any Worse?

2009-02-05T16:32:00.000-08:00

I have been pretty fortunate to have a job in the economy that we are struggling with today, but right now I am having a hard time writing this because I am shaking so bad. I can't indulge all the information today, because of certain readers, Sorry you'll find out tomorrow. This week started off with a mandatory meeting explaining a %5 cut within the company. No big deal %5 we can cut that alone in travel and entertainment, not really, so my job says. We need to cut personal losses as well. I still have a job, but it's not looking good. Things have gone from OK to REALLY bad. I feel sick to my stomach.I have no idea what to do. Things are really shaky now. My question is can things can any worse.... Of course they can, and they will before they get better. Damn economy.... Mr President please come up with something quick, because my integrity is at stake, as are many others that are suffering. I never thought I would live to see things so bad, but here I am suffering with everyone else. At a loss literally. OK I am not going to go any further until tomorrow, because that's when the news will break to everyone in the company. Hang in there, that's all I can do.

Control

2009-01-21T16:56:00.000-08:00

In my class we are learning about a form of communication that rolls along the same lines as control. There are several different types of control in a conversation and relationship, some is good and needs to be there others are not so good and can be taken out of context. Where am I going with this? Well it's funny how you learn something and then you can see it all over your life. You see people that always have to be in control, whether it's them always having to be right, or talking over you, not calling when they say they will, and even controlling the way the conversation goes. It's interesting to see this in your friends. Me, myself I have never been a controlling person, I am actually very shy, but I have several friends that always need to be right, need to control everything we are talking about. It really bothers me, especially since I know it's wrong. Why do people have to be like that? Why can't you let things just go, why do you always have to get the last word in? In some cases why do you say you are going to do something and then never come through and then give a dumb ass excuse? You are controlling my feelings in regards to the situation. I guess this blog stems from my last blog. I am sick of being the one who doesn't speak up and when I do I am reprimanded by you. Why is that? Doesn't everyone have a right to their own opinion? Doesn't everyone have the right to think other than what you think? :woah: My question I guess is why do people so willing give into people like this? I have for years and now that I am more aware of it, I try not to let it get to me. But it does. It bothers me when you talk over me, and it bothers me that YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO BE RIGHT, and it really bothers me that your opinion is the only one that matters. Obviously you have no concern for what others are feeling and thinking. You are so involved in your life that you really have no concern for your friends. What else bothers me is the fact that you are friends with whoever is your project at the time, and you so willing push others away, just at the moment when others think that a true friendship is forming. But maybe you don't push them away, maybe they push themselves away from you. Did you ever think of that, maybe that's why you go through friends like most people go through socks. But I guess that really isn't your concern is it? YOU have control over who you choose at that moment to be friends with, when you start to see that the other person is sicking up for themselves guess what, you move on to the next victim. So classy. But where would you be if you couldn't control the person you were friends with, because that's all you know how to do.
Food for thought.......

I have Contradicted Myself

2008-12-29T16:17:00.001-08:00

After thinking all night and today about my last blog entry I have to say I have contradicted myself. I said the only thing missing in my life was that someone special. Well I have a lot of special people in my life including ME! But the fact of the matter is, I am not ready to commit to someone as I one day hope to. My life is to complicated as it is. And where I plan on taking myself, well I just don't see a foreseeable relationship in the near future.
Many people have asked my recently where I see myself in 10 or 15 years, especially some of my teachers and my boss. The truth is, I see me, in my career, me only. And as selfish as that may be, I want to make the most of my life and that for me means a great career. So I apoligize for my contradiction. I have many special people that I care about and that is all I can really handle right now.
xoxo

As we come Upon a New Year

2008-12-28T21:03:00.001-08:00

I must start this off with how grateful I am for the things that have come into my life in the past year. I have never been this happy as far as I can remember. A lot of people ask me what has changed. Well so much has changed. I have finally come to the realization that I am who I am, and god gave me a purpose in life. I am learning from my mistakes and believe me there have been quite a few. I lost a great relationship over my selfishness and my immaturity. I can't take all the blame, it takes two, but a lot of regret lays on my shoulder. I have learned to move past that and accept me for who I am. I am not perfect but I am proud of my accomplishments in my life in the last year.
Nothing can change the past, but I can not let it dictate who I am today. That was the hardest lesson I have learned. I have to accept the fact that I have a disease that will be with me for the rest of my life, and with that being said I can not let that dictate my life either. I am proud to stand for my convictions and will live the life I was meant to live. Someday, I will find that special person who can share that part of my life. In essence that is the only thing I am missing from my life today, but I have to believe that one day I will find that someone who will accept me, no questions asked.
So with the start of the new year I promise myself that I will work hard on the things that matter to me, there is a lot to be said for the interpersonal self. You can not love another until you love yourself.
Happy New year!
xoxo

Is it Over Yet?

2008-12-26T15:42:00.001-08:00

So I finally made it home, after shoveling out my parents driveway. Thank goodness. All in all it was not so bad, we did have one day where it was just unbearable, but looking back I am glad I was with my family. We didn't end up going to my parents friends house for Christmas like we always do, we were snowed in.... :( But on the bright side of things my brother and I got my dad an XBox 360 (he has been asking for years) and we played that all day and night. I never knew it could be so much fun!
Now I am ready for the weather to warm up and to go on with life before this storm wreaked havoc. I hope the weather warms up, its supposed to but like the weather people out here know anything. I hope everyone else had a Merry Christmas and Santa brought them everything they wanted :) Now we have to new year, a whole new year...... :)
Happy Holidays!
xoxo

SNOWED IN!!!!!!!!!! (Originally posted12-24-2008)

2008-12-26T15:41:00.000-08:00

I have lost track of the days.... I know it's Christmas Eve, but I have been stuck at my parents house now for five, count em..... five whole days! I can't take it anymore...... Tensions are building. We are running out of movies (the cable went out) It's not my idea of a wonderful vacation or holiday. What to do, besides pull my hair out. All gloves were off last night as the tension built around the house. There was crying and fighting... Not good. Everyone is just so sick of being couped up here, it's unbearable. I am going crazy..... Good thing we have lots of alcohol...... MMMMMMM yeah alcohol....... OK it's not that bad, it could be worse, but why does the weather have to be like this for so long...... It plain sucks!!!!!! What day is it again? O well. Everyone have a Merry Christmas. I will try to entertain myself for a while longer. But it's getting bad. Hopefully I will get out of here by this weekend! Pray for me. just kidding :) Can you see how stir crazy I am going I am not even making sense.
xoxo

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

2008-12-20T09:10:00.000-08:00

The snow is falling and the Christmas songs are playing. All I can do to stop myself from smiling. I am so fortunate to have the life that I do. My brother got into town last night, right before the storm. I am waiting for my parents to pick me up and I am spending most of the week up there, mostly due to weather. But I am excited. We are decorating the tree today and with the snow falling it couldn't be more perfect. This year has brought on so many special surprises and there have been some downs, but I have to say it has to be one of the better years I have had in my life, and it can only get better from here. So for all of you who are in Portland right now, STAY SAFE! Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
xoxo

Damn Weather

2008-12-15T17:22:00.000-08:00

It is like 25 degrees outside, with snow and ice on the ground...... Yes they are predicting more. My brother is coming into town on Friday and I am scared the weather is going to delay that.... Did I mention we are supposed to have an Ice storm on Sunday....... Damn weather.... The one thing I absolutely hate about living out here is the ice. At least in Colorado you had dry snow and you could drive in it because there was traction.... Not out here, there has to be ice, Oh how I hate the ice. There is no way you can drive in it, so I maxed it this morning, yes I did.... Let me tell you it was not fun, not only was it like 25 degree's but the wind chill made it feel like 7 degrees. So I had to walk seven blocks in freezing cold weather because it was to icy to drive my warm car. O well I did get a awesome pair of feathery boots, so all is good. Anyways for all of you who are enjoying warm weather, I envy you right about now. I have lived here for almost 4 years and I don't think it has ever been this cold. I moved from Denver to get away from this weather, and here I am freezing my ass off. O well. Life goes on and at least I have a warm place to come home to. Did I mention my boots?
xoxo

Is that a Spring in your Step?

2008-12-09T16:13:00.000-08:00

The air is clear, The day is right, everything is going your way. Do you ever just have one of those days? When everything just feels right. You sing at the top of your lungs even though you can't carry a tune, you skip across the street even though you look completely stupid, you smile...... Yes you smile. What is there to smile about? Nothing, everything..... It's in the air... Maybe it's the holiday's, maybe it's just me, but for once nothing is getting me down. I have had many allergic reactions in the last two weeks (they are still going) but I don't care, I think it's funny.... not to funny, but funny. I have the stress of school and work, but I don't care.... There is absolutely a spring in my step. Nothing is getting in my way. It feels good to smile, I need to do it more often and lately in the last few months I can't seem to quit smiling. I have eliminated some negative energy in my life, and I feel so relieved, bad energy if you will, now surrounding myself with good energy. Nothing in particular happened, nothing comes to mind, but suddenly everything is just as is should be. Happy!
xoxo

Take 2 Apples and Call me in the Morning

2008-11-27T19:24:00.000-08:00

For many of you who don't know I have one allergy and that would be apples. Weird I know, not peanuts, not fish, nothing else..... Just apples. You would be surprised at how many foods and fruit drinks have apples in them. You wouldn't think that because there is no advertisement about it, but many concentrates and smoothies have apple juice in them. So needless to say I always have to ask. I found out that by not asking it could get me in trouble, I found out the other day and now I'm paying.
The other day I was so hungry I had just got out of training that went to lunch, so it's safe to say that I was starving.... I am eating healthy and wanted something fast, so I go to the restaurant downstairs that sells chicken, rice bowls and things like that. I eat it so fast that I feel sick to my stomach. Well I was hungry what can I say? Anyways, apparently they started cooking their sauces and chicken in assorted fruit juices. There is a sign that specifically states that, but do you think I saw that? NO! So I eat there, later that afternoon my face has little red bumps and I am having a hard time sallowing, I think nothing of it, then Wednesday it gets worse, I literally have to spit out my food because I physically can't sallow. So I think I am coming down with strep throat, the funny thing is I feel OK. Well today I look like I have chicken pocks, all over my cheeks and neck..... Not good, I still can't sallow, but I am feeling fine. So I call my friend Mrs. Google and she tells me I am having an allergic reaction.... OH fricking GREAT! Why didn't I think of that? DUH, Katy..... So yeah one of my favorite places to eat now cooks their food in fruit juices, which unfortunately contains apple juice.... See what I mean. So right now I look like I have chicken pocks and I can't eat and it's Thanksgiving!!!!!! Just my luck! Moral of the story ALWAYS read the signs and NEVER assume that just because it's a food that you would NEVER think apples are in, well guess again....

Friend or Foe?

2008-11-19T16:01:00.000-08:00

You meet people in your life that you think are true, genuine people, then you find out differently...... And that just sucks, people who are there for you at their convenience, friends when it's on their time, not yours. They juggle you around, thank you only sometimes, smile to your face, then talk behind your back. Friend or Foe? Then there are those people who think they are looking out for your best interest, but really only care about themselves...... Boss you around, try to control your well being, but really it's all in their game, their thoughts, not in your best interest. There is a difference between being rude and blunt, there is a difference between right and wrong.
Friends should be there to listen, not judge, care, not boss. And if you make a mistake oh well that's how you learn. Friends take time out when you really need them, they check on you when your in trouble and they don't get pissy if for some reason you are having a bad day.
Friendship should be an equal partnership, not a one sided affair. The sad thing is you really don't find out who your true friends are until you need them the most. When you find out that they are just not who you thought they were then distance is the only answer. When you finally come to that realization that the person is not genuine you are most likely already hurt, so put the distance there to cushion your fall.

UUUMMMM YEAH

2008-11-17T19:13:00.000-08:00

So today was a great day, feeling good, a little stressed because I fucked around all weekend and didn't finish my video presentation that is due for my final on Tuesday. No problem I will do it tonight...... So I get off work, get to my car and shit I have a flat tire. Why of all days, does it have to be today, when I NEED to get home to finish my final. Well it did. So I had to call roadside assistance wait for like an hour 1/2 and hope that they could just fix my tire. My string of bad luck with things going out has been on a streak lately, first my TV went out and had to spend $500 for a new one, then my CD/DVD player won't open on my PC, now my frickin tire... What a joke :) So the guys FINALLY comes and he asks me for the key to my tires... I am like "what key?" He says "the key that unlocks your rims." I was like "I didn't even know I had a key"...... HHHHMMMM.... Yeah, so another 1/2 hour trying to find that, finally found it in my glove box. So he changes the tire. GREAT! So then I start driving and my alignment is all off. GREAT, just what I need to fuck up my alignment on my car. So I drag my ass to Les Schwab and tell them I need a new tire. So they look at it, and wouldn't you know my lovely dealership uses Les Schwab, soooooooo, not only did they fix it, they fixed it for FREE!!!!! Love it! So I get home and it takes my like 2 hours to do my video presentation because I am so critical of myself, I finally get it done..... What a day... Thank goodness it's over...

Friends

2008-11-09T17:03:00.000-08:00

What is considered a friend? Some one who is there when you need them..... Why yes, that is my definition. But what about when it's only convenient for them, is that a true friend? I have gone through many friends in my life and maybe it' me, but I have a hard time trusting, again and again I seemed to get burned..... DO you see a pattern here? I do. Maybe I need to come to the realization that it is me, being to picky, not trusting enough, jumping to conclusions. That's me.... But if your only, no one can hurt but yourself. Isn't that the truth? It has been so long since I have had a good group of friends that I trust.... One of them is in Denver, so it's not like I can exactly go out and talk to her anytime I want. I crave that companionship of a good close girl friend, who I can go out with, cry too and just hang out. Since moving to Portland I have no been able to find that. Sure I have friends but no one that I feel I can completely confide in. O well, like I said maybe it's me. So why don't i get out there and do something about it..... No courage..... sad but true.

XOXO

Vote, Vote, Vote.

2008-10-25T15:35:00.001-07:00

So I mailed in my ballot today and as a registered republican, the natural way would have to have voted for McCain, Well after giving it a lot of though, and I do mean deep thought I changed my vote and went for Obama. I mean it's time for a change for this country and I think Obama will be that positive change that we need. And I have to say I have absolutley no respect for Sarah Palin, I mean what was McCain thinking when he picked her? She is uneducated when it comes to big time politics. I am sick of her main campaign for the PTA and Hockey mom's. What oh what does that have to do with being a politician. There is a big chance that something may happen to either candidate when in office, McCain and his health and the possibility of Oboma being assassinated (because we still have some bigot assholes out there) So my choice was heavily weighed on the VP pick. Well when you think about it Biden is more qualified to handle being the big man rather than small time Palin being the BIG woman. This was a hard election for me and I had to really give it some deep thought and in the end I believe that I went for the one who will bring the most positive change. Now I have to say that I DO NOT agree with all of the democrats choices and votes, but on the other hand I also strongly agree with some very important issues that they stand for. When Obama came to town it was an all person event free of charge, great experience. Now when McCain came to town it was a sit down dinner at 2k a head. Now how is that working for the middle to lower class, how are YOU showing us that you will give us breaks and not just the rich. Set a very bad taste in my mouth that one did. In addition Mrs. Palin has to be coached on all her interviews and debates, why is that? Shouldn't she know what is going on in our country? Shouldn't she know enough to have her own opinion? No she doesn't because she has NO EXPERIENCE! I am glad she is a PTA mom and a family woman, and even a hockey mom, but I have news for you lady that will do nothing to solve our economy, our budget deficit, and our war on terror. So please go back to your ho dunk town and shut the F up. I am not interested in your coached views nor am I interested in your ignorant attitude. You have absolutley no business being a vice president of the United States of America! So people we need to see some change in our country, we are in a lot of trouble and no matter who you vote for, just get out there and do it. Let's hope the next four years are better than the last.

XOXO

My so Called Life

2008-10-23T18:35:00.000-07:00

My so called life is an adventure, I live day by day, hoping for the best expecting the worst. I try, I try, but sometimes things just don't work out the way I want them too. Life as I know it is a complicated controversy. One day it's great, then something else hits me with a big bang and everything changes. I learn everyday, and try to grow from my mistakes. How many mistake are we allowed to make a difference? How many times can we loose the things that mean the most? Why does it hurt so bad when the bad is the bad? What makes us stronger? What makes us tick. Food for thought. My so called life is not ordinary, my struggles are no less than than the next, but why do I feel so alone? Is anyone out there? I know the answer to my own question. Everyone is out there, even though I feel alone I am not the only one with struggles in my life, I am not the only one suffering. At this very moment I am succeeding at so many things, but I lost something that meant so much, so I have to learn not to depend on something that will eventually go away. You find a rock, a person who makes you solid, pushed you to be the best you can be, then they decide to take a detour and not make the effort anymore. Things as they are and we live to the day. We take it one step at a time, one day at a time. We will get through it, we will survive. That is what is life os all about, one struggle after another and then growing from the experience, making the most of what we have and being grateful of what is. All you can do is cherish the moments that were once there, but a distant memory of the past, but my friend in order to move on we need to accept the past for what it is. We need to take those experiences and live the life that god gave us to live. There is a reason for everything that happens, we grow, we learn, we give and we take. Some more than others, some less than others. But we get through it. We learn to move on and we wait for those experiences that are around the corner. Someday, we will see what is waiting for us and we will grab it for all that it is worth. That is my so called life at the moment.

Life's Little Road Bumps

2008-10-13T17:34:00.001-07:00

The truth of the matter is we don't alway get what we want, we don't always succeed at what we set out to do. We take a path that seems right and the time and ends up hurting us even more. We try to climb to new heights, then we fall. Sometimes we fall hard and it takes everything in us to pull ourselves up and try again. You give your heart to the task you set out to accomplish and all that happens is a broken soul. So what do you do? You get up and try again. Isn't that what life is all about, trying new things, climbing to new heights. Then why so many times do we seek what we are unable to seek? You set a goal you give it your all and then you fall. Sometimes we fall harder than other times, and sometimes we succeed. Then why oh why does it hurt so much when we fail? Why does it hurt to loose a battle you worked so hard for? When does the pain go away and when do you pick your self up.... One day, one week, maybe a year will go by when you finally decide to move on. But only you can decide to move on, only you can decide to pick up the pieces that broke your heart in the first place. Life is full of challenges, life is a rocky road, unfortunately it is a life we must live, a life we have to make the most out of. The hurt will come, as will the happiness. When you least expect it the mood will change and the stars will once again shine. The place you want to be will come into perspective and for once everything will make sense. But it may take sometime to get there, it may be a long road, but someday I have to believe that we will get there. I have to believe that my dreams will come true. Not just for me but also for you. One day at a time that is all I can handle right now, one day.....not two. I try to to look at what may or may not happen. I look to the future often, but I try not to envision what may or may not be. God has a plan for me and one day, maybe not today or next week or maybe not fr a year will I be where I want to be. There is someone out there waiting for me, waiting to see the accomplishments I am set out to accomplish. Maybe not today, nor tomrorrow, but some day, I will be as I was meant to be..... Me.

XOXO

Then Emotional Rollercoaster

2008-10-12T19:15:00.000-07:00

So I saw my ex, and it was not what I expected. The wrath cam out and feeling diminished. I saw him in a new light, a light that said NO!. We are not what we once were and things have changes. I no longer felt the the chemistry that was once there, but for a moment wanted to sleep with him once last time. It did not happen which is good. We are going in different directions we have our lives to live and unfortunately he is not willing to wait, even though he pushed me in the direction that needed the push. Is that fair? I don't know. We are two different people and I will never be good enough for him. The realization came last night, the realization of reality. A star to be wished upon but that wish will never come true. Once again my heart has been broken, my feelings left to shambles. I will over some, it may just take some time. I write what I feel because there is no other outlet. My feelings are left on the table and one day, someday soon, I will pick up the pieces and move on. My heart will heal, my soul will be one. I wish him the bet, but hope he feels the pain that I do. Somehow I doubt that. Life will go on and so will I. But in the realm of things my heart is at a loss.
Much Love,
xoxo

What to Do

2008-10-08T18:48:00.000-07:00

My ex is coming to town this weekend, and I am not entirely sure how I feel about that. Two things could potentially happen..... I am going to punch him in the face or I am going to give it to his charm. What to do..... I have the determination to let it be, but I am afraid that if I see him the feelings will coming flooding back at a unbelievable rate. We have plans to go to dinner and I want to keep it at that, no more. I have agreed to MEET him somewhere and then decide. What will I do. Only time will tell. I have come so far in getting over him and I am so mad that he has taken the trips to see everyone else, but me. If he really wanted to see me he could have... for goodness sakes it has been 3 months and he has made every effort to see his other friends, so I am a little pissed. What about me I want to scream, what about the promises he made to me? What about them???? out the window that what is going on. So only time will tell. Please give me the strength to say what I have to say, please give me the strength to walk away. Let me be strong for once in my life, let me go in the direction that I was meant to go. Time has started to heal my heart and I want to keep it that way. I want to continue to heal, I want to continue to be strong. So much in my life is going so well, and I do not need a distraction that will disturb that good vibe that is flowing through me. All is ask is for the courage to stand for my convictions to stand up to what is right, at least for me I leave you hanging. This is a test of what is to come, a test to see if I can stand up for myself. Please let me do the right thing for me. More to come and we shall see.

Much love,

XOXO

What the Fuck do you Stand For?

2008-10-05T18:59:00.000-07:00

So the debates tonight posed an interesting concept. As a register republican I have to ask myself what is going on. Where is Palin going with her PTA and hockey mom image. Now I have to say she did better tonight than I thought, and a pride rised up in me to say you go girl, but really does she have to talk about her personal life so much? Were is the part that is going to help our falling economy, where is the part that is going to help out troops? We have to ask ourselves, if the running presidential candidate runs into bad health do we really want her as president? Let's face it he is not in the best of health and chances are something is going to happen to him in office, can we really deal with a governor that has virtually no experience in running and making big decisions in the world today? As I said before she surprised me that she actually has her head out of her ass and could answer the questions that came her way, but was that the best choice for a VP candidate? I guess we will see. My prediction is Obama will win the race, but were will we been then? None of them have experience, and I am so tired of hearing about PTA moms, and Hockey moms, Pow's and what is what. What the hell are we going to do to bail ourselves out of this mess that we are in? Who the hell is going to make a difference. Any thoughts? I am disgusted at the nominees that we have a choice of no experience, no agreement.... Are we not supposed to work together? Well maybe but it seems that is not the way of the political world. We are in a financial crises people, we need to get out of it. Maybe to rich people there is no worry but I worry every month how I am going to pay my rent. What the hell are you going to do about it? I don't give a damn if you are a PTA member or a hockey mom. I care about what the hell you are going to do to bail us out of this mess.

Ok my two cents.....

Your Mountain is waiting so get on your way

2008-09-29T18:27:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you go out of your way to please people, especially the ones you love you never think about yourself, you try to do everything to make it work, you do all you can to make yourself a better person, but it's never enough. Nothing is good enough if it's not meant to be. So why not think of yourself? Why not do the things you know you need to better yourself? You try, you make the effort. The person made a difference in your life, made you achieve the goals you were meant to achieve and sure you are bettering yourself but in the mean time you scarified the one thing that meant the most to you, even though that person pushed you to be the best you can be. It's a catch twenty two. You make the effort you try your hardest, but it's never good enough and it never will be. Why because it wasn't meant to be. People grow apart they move on to bigger and better things and those bigger and better things shape us as person, but you still sacrificed the one that meant the most. But what can you do, what's meant to be is meant to be, but it doesn't make it hurt any less, it doesn't make the pain go away. The pain that hurts and for so long it's takes time to go away. How long does it take? How long before we realize that what may be good for you is standing right in front of your eyes, but you miss the opportunity because you are blind to what once was, but will never be again. Sure you keep in touch, but soon days turn into weeks, weeks into months, then eventually it's gone. You don't forget, but you move on. And so do they. That's the way the world works. You meet that person that makes an impact in your life and that's all it is an impact. The memories you share the times that once were, they are the times of the past, and someday, maybe not today but someday those dreams will be a distant memory, a memory that will always be in your heart, but distant non the less. The experiences we learn in life make us stronger they shape us into who we are. As Dr. Suess would say " your mountain is waiting so get on your way" Move .. about, life is a game of Russian Roulette, you take your chances, sometimes they work out, sometimes they don't. But we get through it, we somehow make it to the next day, so I will wave you with that thought, Go get your mountain it's waiting for you you can climb it, it may take a few times, but eventually you will get there.

Much Love,
xoxo

Out of Life out of Mind

2008-09-22T19:05:00.000-07:00

Do you ever just have those days when one little thing pushes you over the edge, and you feel like you can't breath? Everything in your life is going so well, jobs are opening up, your getting good grades in school, social and personal life are OK to good, them BAM you get hit by a curve ball upside the head and everything is thrown out of whack...... You try to get back on base but it's to far to reach. Yeah it's been one of those weeks. A week when there isn't enough hours in the day to get accomplished what you need to get accomplished, sleep becomes a luxury, and eating is out of the question. By eating or sleeping you might miss something...... Feeling overloaded and out of control. Out of life Out of Mind, that's exactly what it is. Your existing but everything is happening to fast for you to even absorb it in, everything is a blur, surreal, life changing. You can't even remember what day it is let alone the hour. Someone please give me a reality check. Bring me back to the world and let me absorb it all in, time to think to get straight in my head what is actually happening and not what I am watching. That is exactly what I need.... a reality check.

No Name for this Blog, A letter, an addiction, a lost loved one

2008-09-22T18:52:00.001-07:00

Sometimes we feel that we need to take the easy road, it just somehow seems simpler. We hope and we pray that tomorrow will bring a new day turn over a new leaf, turn your life around. Then it gets too hard and one day turns into weeks, then into months, and we find ourselves addicted. We can't get out of it, the alcohol, and the drugs become an escape from reality. The foreclosure on the house, the death of a spouse, turning off your phone, having your family and friends turn away from you. The only reality is getting high, getting drunk and at least for a while all the pain goes away. Then you wake up and it all comes crashing down, and you start the cycle all over again.
Your selfish, thinking your the only one in pain, you forget about the one's that care, we all lost some one that we loved, someone close to our hearts. You are too high to even notice that the people around you exist. You forget that they love and care about you. The feeling of getting high takes away all the pain, it makes you forget, you wake up everyday doing the same thing, downing the liquor, taking the pills.... forgetting, forgetting.
Life just got too hard dammit, at least that is your excuse, life isn't worth living at least that is what you tell yourself. Did you forget about the ones that care? The ones that love you? Could you honestly be so god damn selfish that you can't even think about your kids, your brother, your grandchild, your friends?
What in life made you choose this path and why can't you see the pain we are all in because of you? You who used to be my Aunt, you who helped raise me, you who were there through every cut, every pain, heartache and thrill. Where did you go? What happened to you?
I know this seems like it is the easy way out, I know it's seems to solve all of your problems, at least for the time being. I know it's easier to take a drink or pop a pill to make it go away, trust me I know. I also know that there are people who care, just like people care about you.
But doing this, wasting away, taking your life before it's your time, living for the dead, not seeing the present, wasting your days drinking, slowing, slowing wasting away. Your body so frail and thin, your eyes so void of reality, your touch, the touch of a skeleton, you exist, but your are not living. I know it's hard I know your in pain, but this is not the way to solve it, this is not the way to happiness, if you shall ever see the day. The way you are going now, that day will never come.
I want the person I had some much love for back, I want the person who I grew up with. The memories, the good times. Yes it is true we lost someone we love and it will never be the same, but we all lost him, we are all hurting. Not just you. Sometimes I think about my uncle and remember him the way he was, always taking care of us, always watching out, that is the way I want to remember him, that is the way I still see him.
Don't you think he is watching down on you now? Do you really think he would want this of you? What about Grandma, do you think she would want her only daughter to go out like this? What about your children, your grandchild. What about them? WHAT ABOUT THEM?
We all go through hard times and each of us deal with it in different ways, but you choose to waste away, all for something, something you can never get back if your not sober enough to see the truth.
Drinking and drugs are not the answer, they will ruin you, they are ruining you. This is the easy way out, the easy way to cope, the easy way to forget about the truth, but the truth will be there when you sober up, it will be there when you finally realize that's it's not all about you. We have lost someone we loved very dearly, please don't let us loose someone else we love. You have so much to live for. you have so much in life that is still out there waiting, please don't give that up for a bottle of liquor and a bottle of pills.

When Life Changes

2008-05-07T22:03:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I sit and wonder where did all the time go? Before I could even take a breath I turned 27 and it seems like one change after another is taking place. Friends I once loved are no longer there, people are moving away, getting married, having babies, moving on. Yes I think that what that is........ Moving on. Where did the time go and where did I leave off?
Often times I dream about the past thinking of what might have been, if I had stayed in Denver or if I had done this or acted this way. Would it have changed anything? Would my life have been better?
I have pondered this question many times and I have to say no. I believe that there is a path set for you and people come and go in and out of our lives to help us grow, to help us learn and they impact us in a way that was set out to happen.
Many times I wonder why me? But I am just being unrealistic. I have it good and have made some incredible changes in my life in the last six months.
I still wonder where the time has gone and often forget that nothing will ever stay the same no matter how hard you pray or hope for it.
Life changes and so do we. I am a completely different person than I was six months ago, there has been some hard lessons learned and I know I will only grow from here. I lost some good friends along the way, but have also made some great new ones.
I know six months may not sound like a lot but in my world everything has changed, from my job, to my schooling, to my living situation, my personal relationships to my integrity. I feel like I have gained my independence back, I have not felt that way in a long time.
Everything I am doing right now is for me........ It's all about change. Positive change.

Sorry for being so insightful on this post, but I felt the need to write.

xoxo

After Every Storm there is a Rainbow

2008-04-10T13:52:00.001-07:00

So you have a bad day, you think when will it ever end, and then it does.

Tonight was the final night of my English class and I submitted a few pieces of writing for the literary Journal at school. I OFFICIALLY found out tonight I am going to be published. My teacher had hinted it a few weeks ago, but officially gave me my acceptance tonight.

I am so happy I cried. One of my pieces is getting published for sure the other is still under discussion, but I submitted four pieces and one was picked and the other is a strong maybe, I will find out for sure tomorrow, there were over 400 submissions.

My English teacher also told me what an incredible writer I am and that I am going to make it as a writer, I have the content down and I have the heart, experience, and deep emotions it takes to get there. I have never in my life had a compliment given to me that meant so much or that has so much impact on my writing.

I have a few things to work on as far as grammatical, but he said he will work with me on that to become a better writer. That is all stuff I can learn, I have what it takes inside.

So I had to share, I am bouncing off the walls. I AM GETTING PUBLISHED!!!!!! Yes I have to rub it in just a little :)

xoxo

So you had a Bad Day

2008-04-10T13:50:00.000-07:00

Everyone has bad days, and when I have a bad day it’s a bad day.
Spring is supposed to be here, I am moving and doing great in school and work, but I just can’t seem to shake this feeling off. So many good things are happening, yet i feel like absolute crap.

I am not trying to complain, just vent. I need a vacation, far far away. School is good but it has me so stressed, I have to wonder am I taking on to much? Maybe it’s just the weather, once the rain stops and the temperature warms up and the sun shows its face more I will feel better, as for now I just want to curl up and sleep until then.

Mondays are always hard for me, and maybe it’s because I have back to back classes this week or I am turning 27 on Thursday, maybe it’s because I am starting to realize who my real friends are. I have no idea but I want to get out of here, and say fuck responsibilities.......

Yeah it has been a bad day. Nothing is what it seems and it seems like I am walking through the motions of a day, if that makes any sense. I am here, but I am not. Today seems so surreal. Nothing extraordinary happened, nothing set me off at least not today.

But today, I am not myself, I am anxious, I am nervous and I am sad......
It’s a bad day...........

It's my business Saty the F Out

2008-04-08T03:35:00.001-07:00

Awe friends who care are not a bad thing, but don’t tell me how to live my life, it is my life and I do what I want. If I make a mistake that is how I learn.

I understand that some people may not agree with some of my decisions in life, but when you don’t know the whole story or I keep it to myself, that means I don’t care what you or anyone else thinks.

I love my friends and I know they are looking out for me, but I am a big girl and I know right from wrong, I know how I feel and I know what is going on in my life, and I choose to go the route I want.

So please if I choose to keep the subject at hand quiet that means I am not looking for advice nor am I looking for your opinion on the matter.

If you choose not to see the entire picture but only what you want to see that is your choice. You can judge all you want and think what ever you want, I don’t care.

I am not trying to stir the pot here with anyone, but am frustrated at the situation at hand, and I feel that my business is my business and no one has the right to tell me what do do, or that they no longer want anything to do with it when I haven’t brought you into the current situation.

Thank you for being there in the past and than you for being there now. Like I said I love my friends dearly and I have no idea what I would do without them, but some things I want to keep to myself.

Never Forget

2008-04-08T03:34:00.001-07:00

Life is full of changes, and sometimes we have to go with the flow. Change can always be hard and it can be harder when the change is about someone you care about.
My advice, Never forget.

Never forget the good times that were shared, the memories that have been created and the times that are priceless that only you and that other person will never forget.

Never forget the bad, the times you said or did something you wish you hadn’t, the mistakes that you can never take back and will always be in the memories of both of you.

Never forget what a true friend is, someone who is there when no one else is, never forget that person because one day that person could be gone.

Never forget.........
One day it might be to late to say the things you wish you could have said.

Overload

2008-03-02T09:25:00.001-08:00

Do you ever why things happen? They always happen for a reason, weather it be good or bad. Things do happen to make you wake up, and sometimes those things are not good.

Life for me took a turn for the worst this weekend and it was a wake up call. I am not saying that that the bad will continue, but it makes you into a different person.

There are certain people who bring you down no matter how much they care for you or how much you care for them, they are circumstances that change you forever.

I guess what I am trying to say is that life is precious and no matter what is happening in your life it will never be perfect, and you can't make it perfect. Things will come and they will go.

YOU HAVE TO LIVE YOUR LIFE AS IF EVERYDAY IS YOUR LAST.
You never know when it will end. Life is never a guarantee and there is nothing you can do about it.

To say you are happy, things will change, to say you are sad, things will change. You have to ask yourself one question, will this matter a year from now?
Probably not.

Sometimes life can overload you and only you can take control, only you can realax.

I will leave this blog on this note.

xoxo

Delusional

2008-02-24T11:19:00.001-08:00

Have you ever been tired, so tired that sleep is considered a luxury? Being a full time student and working full time, sleep and food have become something of a non-necessity for me, well they should not be, but if I have to choose between doing my homework and sleeping, I choose homework, and at work, I get so busy I forget to eat. I know my body is being worn down, but hey, I have a little less than 2 years to finish school and so far, I have a 4.0 average.
I take the max most mornings to work and usually catch up on sleep, or homework. Last week I was so tired that I decided to sleep. I hear over the intercom that the next stop is the Convention Center, so I think to myself, a few more stops to go and catch a few more moments of sleep. SWEET! Next thing I know I wake up in a tunnel and in BEAVERTON!!!!!! I look back and everyone is gone, I am the only one left on the Max. I look at my phone to see what time it is and it is almost 8:15, I have to be to work at 7:30. Oh Shit!
I start freaking out, of course. First off, I have no idea where I am and second I am so late to work, and no one knows where I am. My phone starts ringing, it is one of my bosses, I explain what happened, and she starts laughing. Then I call my mom and she starts laughing. Looking back it was damn funny.
I get off the Max, wait for the next one to come, and then go back to downtown, so far so good. I get off at Pioneer Square, which I have walked to many times, Nordstrom’s, Macy’s and Victoria Secret are all up there, so I know I am not far. I see Qudoba, a restaurant that I have walked to many times; ok I know where I am. Therefore, I start walking, IN THE WRONG DIRECTION! I was so disoriented and tired that I ended up walking in the complete opposite direction. I call Didi, I tell her I am lost, she can tell I am getting upset. Breath she tells me “remember don’t sweat the small stuff and this is small stuff.” (a book everyone got me because I tend to sweat the small stuff). She asks me where I am and I give her the cross streets, she asks me, how the heck did you get there, I told I just started walking. I was so far away from work it was not even funny. I was looking frantically for the tall pink building in which I work. I could not even see it. Didi tells me to find Burnside and walk North, I had to ask people where Burnside was, and of course, they looked at me weird. I do not look like a tourist; it is obvious that I worked downtown. How is it possible that I could get that lost? I even got off at a stop that I recognized, and had been too many time. Well as one of my friends tells me, I get lost in a paper bag, which is true.
Finally, I made it to work, I walked about thirty blocks that day, and I definitely got my exercise. As I walked in the door, everyone asked how my nap was and they all laughed. At the time, it was not so funny, but it is so funny. This would only happen to me, only I could ride the max, fall asleep, wake up 40 minutes after my stop, and then get lost in a city in which I work.
After this fiasco, I decided that this was never going to happen again. I got phone with a GPS and a navigation system that talks to me, and not matter how tired I am, I WILL NEVER SLEEP ON THE MAX AGAIN!!
LESSON LEARNED!

The Rainbow

2008-02-23T10:54:00.001-08:00

You know that saying when it rains it pours, but there is always a rainbow at the end of the storm.
Lately things have been good, then bad, then really bad, now they went to fantasitic.

First I found a condo to rent from one of my co-workers, so yes I am moving, and I am living by myself. I look at the condo on Monday, and hopefully everything will go through as planned!

Next, I finally got the phone I wanted, ok, I know not so exciting, but I had the worst phone before and was ready to throw it against the wall. Yes I hated it! So I went and got a Blackberry Pearl...... and oh I love it!!! I have everything I need right on my phone.

Third I have narrowed down a few pieces I am summiting to my colleges new paper, and I am still a little nervous about it, but am excited at the same time...

So yes, this week has been great, except for the fact that I had a root canal and it hurts like hell, it had a really bad infection so I have had to go to my dentist about 5 times in the last three weeks, but let me tell you the Nitrous is wonderful :)

So it has been a good week to say the least. I am so excited about moving and my writing.

See there is a rainbow after every storm :)
xoxo

Why we say the things we do

2008-02-14T20:54:00.001-08:00

Why we say the things we do?

Over emotional stress, anger and selfness. Words come out of your mouth that you don't always mean and can end up hurting people that we don't mean to hurt.

Why? Are we trying to get a reaction, are we trying to say something deep inside that we may or may not feel?

Does it ever make sense?
Most of the time not.

Can it change everything?
Absolutely.

Can you take it back?
Unfortunately not.

Pick your battles, pick them wisely, don't hurt the ones that care, and push away the ones you love.

The things you say can change the entire element of a friendship.

xoxo

When Will it End?

2008-02-14T20:52:00.000-08:00

Why waste your tears? Why cry? Why let the pain tear at you inside? Life is what we make of it, and I wish to more extent I had control over my emotions.
Why did god give me this disorder that I have to struggle with everyday of my life? How many times in a day do I have to say "it's not fair?" How many relationships, friendships am I going to lose because I can't deal with the real world?
I struggle on a daily basis and try to keep up with my life, it is getting to hard. It is getting to the point that I feel it is not worth fighting for anymore.
When a person whom you care a great deal about tells you that you are incapable of friendship and treating others well I have to wonder is this how I really am? Am I such a horrible person that I am incapable of friendship and love?
I have others tell me I have so much going for me and to focus on the good not the bad, that I am a strong person, but how well do they really know me? How much do they really care? When you have people whom you love and trust tell you things that hurt you, they are the ones that know, isn't it the truth?
For the most part I try to stay positive, however it is so hard sometimes when I feel like my world is crashing for no reason. In reality there is nothing wrong, but in my mind something is not right.
It's a constant struggle and battle. When is enough, enough? When do you let go? When do you say life has not been good and it's time to move on?
Dark thoughts I know, A lot of tears.
I am in no way perfect, I need to control my words when I get emotional, I need to learn to live, but I also need help. When a person who was your support system gives up on you it can crush you.
My mind is fuzzy and my heart is crushed, there is not a damn thing I can do about it except cry. Yes I am crying, I am feeling bad, it's not fair. There I said it..... Yes, I am feeling sorry for myself. Writing is my biggest outlet and thats why I am writing this.
My only question is when? When does it all end?

Everything Happens for a Reason

2008-01-27T19:30:00.000-08:00

Weeks come and go, you go to work, you go to school or do whatever it is you do on a daily basis. Good things happen, bad too. Things look great, sometimes not so great. I have to say that the year 2007 was the most exhausting year, so many changes took place in my life. I applied for my ideal job, which I didn't get, started back to school and then got a job that I wasn't to sure about but ended up loving.
My personal life has been just as exhausting. I have dealt with issues that I have never dealt with before and have to come to accept them as part of my past. I have discovered the two things that make me happy on a personal level (reading and writing) and am working on my first book.

I have a person in my life that has been behind me all the way, through the ups and downs (and believe me there have been some downs) but that person has been there, and still is. I have met some great friends that I wouldn't exchange for anyone else.
It has been one hell of a ride. Finally it is coming all together. My past is my past, my future is bright, and I have all the support and love that I could ever ask for.

2008 is going to be great, it is the beginning, the beginning to a new chapter that I am so grateful to start, the last I am ready to end.

Everything happens to us for some reason or another, you meet people who make a hugh impact on your life, they touch you in ways that are unforgettable, they leave a mark on your heart that will never go away.

This last week has been especially hard for me, my boss lost his job and for a minute I thought my job was in limbo too. It was such a shock to see him go and nothing has ever affected me like this before. I admired my boss and looked up to him a great deal. It was a hard time. I did benefit from the situation, in the sense that my responsibilities went up and my job became more essential, however at that price I am not sure how I feel about it.

One thing I have learned is that life goes on, business as usual, the world still turns, the clock still ticks and the days become nights. It is life, everything happens for a reason.

Life is funny like that, it happens, but people still go about there daily lives.
Make it count, your life that is.

Save your tears, share your smiles and lean on the ones that will be there.

Everything happens for a reason.

xoxo

Oh, the places you will go

2007-12-06T19:37:00.000-08:00

I had a mission, some might say it is quite weird, but my mission was simple..... I needed a book, a very specific book if you will. The book..... Oh, the places you will go by Dr. Suess!

Laugh all you want! For a 26 year old to be obsessing over such a book is quite abnormal, and my friend asked me if I was buying it for a child. When I told him it was for me, he gave me a look that basically said you are wierd.... hhhmmm. He obliviously did not understand the importance.

This book was read to me a long time ago and even though I was just graduating high school I did not fully understand the meaning that was behind the book, lately I have been thinking about it quite often, so often I decided I needed it RIGHT NOW!!!!!

So off to Powell's I went (for those of you who don't know what Powell's is, well it's only the BEST BOOKSTORE EVER!) As most of you know I am a avid reader so I had to be quick I only have an hour for lunch, and well I could spend a lifetime in that store..... So my mission was simple, find the book and get out as soon as possible!

Alas find the book I did, I read it again and I cried.... For those of you who haven't read it, READ IT! The message is simple, the message is life.

Oh, the places you'll go! My boss at work, was a little amused by my purchase so I encouraged him to read it, and he too found it to be very profound. My friends this book is a must read, read it from time to time, and think of all the places you have been and the places you will go.

Yes it's simple, yes it is a child's book, but the lesson it gives, you can take with you for a lifetime!

Laugh all you want, I know I am a nerd, but hey these things have a affect on me, and I am very big on learning life lessons right now!

So if you have one book you are going to read, read this one! I promise you will get it, unless you have no desire or no curiosity for life.

xoxo

Bittersweet Emotion

2007-11-21T20:02:00.001-08:00

As I am driving home from class tonight I turn on my CD player because nothing good was on the radio, as I am sitting there thinking about the lecture or rather the movie we watched tonight, a song comes on, a song I have listened to so many time before a song I never really put much thought into. For the first time in a few days I smiled. I smiled so big and I felt so incredibly happy, I was beyond myself. The song was Bittersweet Symphony by The Verve.
WOW I thought to myself, I have this immense wave of emotion hit me like a ton of bricks. Listening to the words, I mean really listening to the words tonight had an effect on me I didn't think possible at this time. My stress level has been high recently, new job, and school, personal issues all rolled into one. Smiling is not something that is in my facial structure right now, or so I thought. This had to have been one of the most bittersweet moments in my life. Funny how emotions can change and reality can set in, in just one flick of an instant.
I start driving 90MPH on the road by my house (it is all country so no worries), Blasting the music and smiling from ear to ear… I finished 2 major papers this week, and managed to get top grades, I have a new job that I love, I am working on my first book. I am happy. I can be happy. For the first time in a long time I felt free, exhilarated, accomplished. I feel like everything is going to be ok. I can do it, I know I can.
Life changes from one moment to the next; your path is where it takes you, your journey, and your life. Bad times come and they go, when they are bad them seem so bad, but when you wake up and look at life in a new angle it can be good, so very good.
Why I had this sudden realization I have no idea, why this particular song put me in this grove, I don't know. I don't need to know, I just need to keep moving forward.

With all of the positive changes that I have done in my life, there had to be some sacrifices, hence bittersweet emotion……

xoxo

Here are the lyrics....

Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Trying to make ends meet
You're a slave to money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places
where all the veins meet yeah

No change, I can't change
I can't change, I can't change
But I'm here in my mind
I am here in my mind
But I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mind
No, no, no, no, no, no, no,no,no,no,no,no(fading away)

Well I never pray
But tonight I'm on my knees yeah
I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah
I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now
But the airways are clean and there's nobody singing to me now

No change, I can't change
I can't change, I can't change
But I'm here in my mind
I am here in my mind
And I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mind
No, no, no, no, no, no, no
I can't change
I can't change it

'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Trying to make ends meet
Trying to find some money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places
where all the veins meet yeah

You know I can't change, I can't change
I can't change, I can't change
But I'm here in my mind
I am here in my mind
And I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mind
No, no, no, no, no

I can't change my mind
no, no, no, no, no,
I can't change
Can't change my body,
no, no, no

I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
Been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
That you've ever been down
That you've ever been down

Question from the Heart

2007-10-04T01:06:00.001-07:00

We ask ourselves questions everyday. What could I have done to make things better? How could I have altered the situation? Why didn’t I spend more time with that person, why didn’t I try harder? If we ask ourselves these questions they tend to make us crazy, make us feel worse than we already do.

I ask myself all the time, what is wrong with me? Why can’t I be the person that everyone wants me to be? Why can’t I make it work? You know it is driving me crazy. I can’t help who I am, and I can’t help what my past has done to me. Unfortunately it has made me a harder person, yes I say harder. I close people off, don’t let them in, and shy away from closeness and love, even though it’s one of things that I want more than anything.

Why you might ask. It’s because I am scared, plain and simple. There is no way to simply understand this and there is no simple way for me to explain it. Experiences tend to take on a toll on a person, and how we choose to unitize them is our choice. Some of us take them and learn, others take them and run. Some of us hide behind the pain and close ourselves off from the one’s that care. I have to admit I am this way. So I write. I let people read, sometimes. My therapy is my writing. For me it is the only to look at my issues with an open mind, to heal my heart and to understand why I may be feeling this way.

I am scared everyday, I feel pain everyday, and I feel my life is not fair everyday. Then I look deep inside and know that I am a good person and I deserve only the best. That many people out there have it much worse than I do, and there is someone out there going through something that is going to completely alter their life.

My life is not so bad, my choices have not been the best, but I am trying to change that. I try to surround myself with people who genuinely care and don’t use me as a convenience. It is hard for me to trust and it is even harder for me to keep that trust in a person. I am trying and that is all I can do for now. As for the questions that I continue to ask myself everyday, the questions that make me feel bad, I just have to remember the good that is inside of me, the good that comes out everyday, even if I don’t always show it. There is a person, buried deep in my heart that is yearning to be born again. I am just not sure when I will be ready to let that person come to life. My heart is still healing and my confidence is still trying… For now all I can do is hope and pray. One day, I will be whole again.

© 2007 The Random Writings Of Me... Kates

Once again Thoughts, NO Baby MADNESS!!!

2007-10-01T22:36:00.001-07:00

I have one question..... When the hell did we grow up and what happened to my youth??? Did I miss something along the way? When did I leave Never, Never land? It is going around, it is contagious, many people are catching it... YES... DA DA DUN.... It's the BABY BUG!!!!! AAAAWWWWWEEEE....... WHOOOO.... DO NOT GET THE WRONG idea, I am in no way ready to be a mom. However all my friends around me are all expecting..... When did this happen? Are we really growing up, getting married and having kids? What happened to being a kid... I think that time has passed..... I am sad, really I am. I am not ready to grow up, I am not ready to settle down, I am really not ready to be a mommy...
So I am not going to be, at least not for a long while. I do wish all my friends the best, and I love them dearly, but I think I will stick to being Aunt Katy for a while.
Need a baby sitter I am all about it, need to take the kiddies to the Zoo, call me up! Want to go baby shopping, I love to shop, but then at the end of the day I will go back to my single life and pursue my dream, my true love, my writing....
At this time I am too selfish to be in the land of soccer mom's and play dates, bottles and diapers. I DO NOT WANT AN SUV! I want a sporty car and a condo downtown, I do not want a yard or a white picket fence..... Not yet anyway... I want to travel (when I get over my fear of flying, which needs to be soon as my brother and I are talking about a trip to Europe next summer) I want to live on the East coast, at least for a year, Hell I still haven't been to Vegas..... and I AM 26!!!! I need to fix that...
So you see, I am just not ready.
I love my sexy red headed soccer mom to be, and my little dizzle and you girls know I am here for you ALWAYS!!!!
For right now, I think I will stick to my life of the unknown, I kinda like it that way. I like being able to plan things spur of the moment and not ask permission, I like to think that I can pick up and move at anytime, and hell if I feel like staying out all night I CAN!!!
This has been on my mind, as the baby bug is going around.... I have not caught the bug. Therefore I am no longer drinking the water at work, I really think it has something to do with all the new mommy's to be :) No really I do.
I hope my mommy's to be do not take offense to this blog, because I really do love you dearly and I am here for you.
Just wanted to post my personal thoughts on the matter concerning ME! Just so we are clear, I do not want to be sent home with a gift basket of KY Jelly and Pregnancy tests, I think a box of condoms and birth control is more my style, RIGHT MEL..... lol
I am not next, not for a while. In the mean time I will love watching you guys raise your precious one's and when the time comes (if ever) I will need your help and advice.... First I want my sports car and condo in Seattle or my Flat in New York....
Xoxo

I ROCK!!!

2007-09-29T22:46:00.001-07:00

OK so for all of you dumb assholes who think that I can't do things on my own, you have another thing coming. I know that I depend on the men in my life for all the stuff that men typically do such as, checking my oil, fixing things that need to be fixed, or killing spiders, lol...
I will fully admit that I am not the greatest when it comes to putting things together or fixing things. Lets just say I generally mess it up somehow. That has all changed!

Yesterday, seeing as I had the day off, I thought that I would do something productive, makes some changes, get organized. One of the things I needed to organize the most is my books. I have so many books, no joke! They are stacking up along all my walls, by the piles... I am not kidding... I got my laptop out, went straight to IKEA and BINGO, found some shelves for 20 bucks... YAY! I got in my car and headed straight there.

Now I have never been to IKEA, but my brother swears by it, and hey $20 bookshelves, who can beat that? So why not check it out.
OMG! That is all I can say... I LOVE IKEA!!!! I spent about 2 hours in there, just looking, yes looking. Finally I get to the area that had the bookshelves and spent another half hour deciding what shelf to get. I finally decided on the one that I wanted, $50 over budget, but hey I LOVE IT!!!! Now.... how to get it home. HHHMMMM....

I have an Acura RSX2, a very small car, in case you didn't know. But I was determined to get it home. I was going to fit it into my car... Somehow.....
Now I am a little person, and the shelves were bigger than me. So I had two problems.... How was I going to carry it, and how was it going to fit in my car?

If you had been there that day in the parking lot by the loading zone watching me, I am sure you would have gotten your laugh of the day.
Here I was trying to pick it up, slide it a car that was to small, but DETERMINED to make it fit, Oh, yeah I forgot to mention, it was hailing...... BAD!!!! (I have the bruises on my leg, and a knot on my head to prove it).
Well, finally an older man helped me and we made it fit!!! Mission accomplished!

So I drive home with my shelves in my car, the box is literally right between the two front seats, and yes I drive a stick, so shifting was difficult. Non the less I made it home....

Now to get it to my room. I was determined to do this by myself, No help, just me and my book shelf.
Carefully I maneuver the box that is taller than me, and weighs over half of what I weigh out of my car, in the house and down two flights of stairs. SUPER! I did it!

Now the hard part.... Assembly.... Now as I mentioned before this is not my strong suit. I am not good at this part, but again I was determined to do this by myself.
So I ripped open the box, got the instructions, pulled out my girlie tool kit my dad got me for Christmas, counted the parts according to the instructions and I was on my way.
So far so good.

After about an hour I was proudly looking at my new book shelf, completely assembled by yours truly! I was so excited, I don't think you can even imagine! Laugh all you want this is a big accomplishment for me. For once everything turned out right. I had no extra parts, and everything looked just right!

Now I can proudly look at my project and know I did it on my own. So you see I am not completely inefficient, I can do it, yes I can! I know most of you might be laughing, and hey that's ok, I am proud of myself, I am proud that I was able to do it on my own.

So yes in a nutshell I ROCK!!!!

Mentally Exhausted…..Or just checking out????

2007-09-21T00:06:00.001-07:00

A little bit of both… I think… Time to prioritize my life, get back into gear, leave all the bullshit behind…. YUP, that is exactly what I need to do. So that is exactly what I am doing.
After a long and tedious summer, not one of the best might I add… I wrecked my car, didn’t get my dream job, procrastinated about going back to school, and had some not so great health problems. So I sulked for a while, felt sorry for myself, cried, and then realized I am being a baby…. Ok so everyone has their moments, this was defiantly one of mine. So I asked myself, what am I going to do about it?
I hate my current job, I hate it so much that I despise going to work everyday, and come home a complete bitch because of all the stupid shit I have to put up with all day. I have realized that my anxiety is solely related to my job…. HHHMMMM, change of pace I think so….
So what am I going to do about it? I am checking out, that is what I am going to do about it. I am so exhausted that I can’t even think. I should not be exhausted, I am young, I should be happy, content, experiencing life, or at least getting on with life.
I have some big changes ahead of me. I have been looking for a new job, so what if I didn’t get the job I really wanted, it just wasn’t meant to be. That perfect job is out there waiting, and if I don’t look I am never going to find it… I am however becoming an expert at interviewing 
Next thing I registered for school, I start next month. I am really excited about this because I can get my teaching certificate and move out of the financial industry, not for a few years, but hey I am working on it, that is the important thing. They are taking all of my previous college credits, so that means I have almost 2 years to go before I get my bachelors degree… YAY for me… I think that this will keep me busy for a while, and give me something to look forward to…
Another thing I have been concentrating on is my writing, after all, my dream is to have at least one book published. Writing keeps me sane; it gets me going and is my true love, corny I know… Hey it is the truth. I may not become a famous writer, and that’s ok. I love to write more than anything, so making this a priority everyday is important. So far so good.
So in the next few months these are my goals and my priorities, so I may check out from time to time. I need to concentrate on me for a while, and get my mind and life in gear. I know I am taking the right steps in doing so and I feel good about it. People that hold me back or don’t support me, well you are not my friends and you can peace out…. Really you can…
I am probably going to be more exhausted than I am now, but bring it on… I am so ready for a change in pace….

Thought for Today

2007-09-10T18:24:00.000-07:00

So when life is not going the way you want it to, job, friends, social life whatever... It should never make you crazy.... You just need to get over it move on and figure out the parts that are driving you insane and eliminate it.... Ok so this is just my thought for today as I have been pondering a few things lately.... :)

The Other Side of Me

2007-08-29T22:04:00.000-07:00

Why is it that life can be rolling around all la-te-da, then BAM…..The whole earth shatters at your feet? One minute you are walking along, thinking “wow everything is finally falling into place” Then you are hit incredibly hard with a rock straight to your head…. Yeah… I guess that is life….

I know, I know I seem to be complaining a lot, and really I have no need to. I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, and food on my table. For me it’s just a personal thing. I am sure it has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that my emotions are a freaking roller coaster, or the fact that I have hardly accomplished any of my personal goals in life….Ok, Ok I know whoa is me…… I guess it has just been one of those days, weeks, years maybe????

Well whatever it is I need to step out of this funk and get a hold of myself…. My god… What a little baby I am being… Ok not really, but maybe…..

Sometimes I feel that so much has happened in my life and it’s hard for me to let people in, then when I do, it’s even harder for me to trust. Along with trust comes revealing my dark side, not something I really want to do. I am not going to go into great detail here, but I guess I am trying to vent…. I can not shake this case of the blues that has been hanging over my head for way to long… Do something about it! I know, I know…..
I am trying….. But what do I do????

Life has thrown me way too many curve balls and they are getting a little harder to dodge now days… I have a great feeling of dissatisfaction with myself and I am having a hard time turning that around.

Build your self up…. Then break yourself down, the true story of my life… What doesn’t kill us only makes us stronger….. Fight…….

I write everyday to keep myself sane, I try even harder to please the one’s I love, yet nothing ever seems to pan out. Maybe this is just my thoughts.

Ok, Ok enough already…. My eyes are tired, my thoughts are blurred. This is the ther side of me.

Struggles and Such

2007-07-23T14:49:00.000-07:00

Sometimes life takes us down a path that was not intended upon. It takes us down a road less traveled, rocky, jagged, and unknown. The thought of not knowing what is going to happen is something that digs deep inside of me and comes out like a scream not yet heard by others.
Looking back at my life I have come to realize that I am lucky, lucky to be here, alive. My life has not been easy, and I blame no one, it is a road that I chose to take, a road that lead me into places I wish upon no one. At times I think it made me stronger, other times I feel it has made me weaker. The choices I made have put me in a position that I wish not to be in. I am still here existing, living, I have a roof over my head, a family who loves and supports me and a handful of friends that I adore.

Then there is the other side of me, the side that is afraid of everything, trusting, loving and finding me. There is the side that has been hurt so many times I can’t bear to let my heart be exposed, the side that questions everything and everyone around me, wondering is there an ulterior motive behind your kindness. My poor friends never know what side of me to expect. Happy today, sad tomorrow. How can I make you understand it’s not you? I can’t, I am sorry for that. This is the part of my life where I feel weakest.

I guess I am writing this because I need to look back and read, understand, know why I am. Life sets off so many challenges, so many obstacles, which do you, choose? Which do you turn away from? Why is it so hard to exist, when all around goes about their merry little way? Why do some people live a charmed life, when others have to work so hard? Why do people judge and hate, when others love and give? I had a friend tell me the other day that he felt so lucky that he had his life; this was after meeting my friends. Now the comment angered me, one he has never made me feel small before, and now after meeting some people I work with, his life is so charmed? What makes him lucky and the others not? He has been given everything and worked harder for what he has, but some of us are not that lucky, some of us have not had a handful of money thrown at us growing up, we have not had the luxury of our college education paid for and not having to work. This is a very good friend that I have never felt threatened by his wealth, he has never made me feel inferior before and he has been there for me so much in the last few months that I honestly don’t know what I would have done had he not been there. The remark, it cut deep, almost too deep……

Maybe that is why I am writing this. As I said before I am not where I pictured myself at this age, I had hoped to accomplish many things, with the struggles in my past I still feel I have come a long way, but now I feel nothing. I feel hurt, hurt by a remark that I would have never expected from a friend who has been there through so much. I am trying, I am trying to clean up my mistakes and move forward. I am trying to recover from an abusive relationship, a past that was so painful, so why when I am starting to feel stronger did this little remark cut so deep? Maybe because he see’s my friends as inferior to him, that maybe he sees’s me that way as well? I don’t know.

Writing this makes me feel a little better, but I am still hurt. This is the part where I seclude myself in my room wrapped up with a book, or feeling sad, trying to think of the positive, but knowing I have to deal with my emotions right now. I will get over it, just needed to write it down I guess. Sort it out; maybe I am looking a little too deep, maybe not.

One thing I know for sure is that I am me, I have been through a lot, but that does not make me less of a person than anyone, it does not make me inferior to you or anyone. I still struggle day to day and I live day to day. I may not have accomplished as much as some people my age, but I am here still living and one day I will be the strong person I know I can be.

Peace

Sometimes

2007-07-12T00:45:00.000-07:00

Lately in life it seems like things are moving in the fast lane. Everything seems to be going great, Life as I know it is starting to come together.

Sometimes things change for the good, sometimes for the bad, but I am learning you just have to roll with the punches. Since I have left Denver I feel like I have become so much more, I have grown as a person and am completely different than when I left Denver. These last two years since I moved here has been a complete roller coaster. I almost lost my mind, no seriously. lol But I have learned so much about myself.

The things that happen in life no matter good or bad, shape us to be who we are, you can either take that and learn from it, or waste it away. One thing I have learned is that you can't plan your future. It is what is it, and the more you try to plan the more you are going to miss out on. I believe that everything happens for a reason, and if it's meant to be it will be.

Now don't get me wrong I have goals for myself but they are always changing. I thought at the age of sixteen that I would be married and have kids by this time. Well, that is not where I'm at now, and I am glad that I didn't settle for someone who might have been the one, because now I realize they were not the one. I also thought that I would become a doctor or nurse, but that was before I discovered my passion for writing.

So you see it's ok to have goals and dreams, but it's also ok to have different goals as you discover life. It doesn't make you a failure, things change it's inevitable and there is nothing you can do about it, except, accept it.

I have no idea why I am writing this, just something I have been pondering lately. I guess since it's been 2 years since I have moved here I have been thinking a lot about what has changed in my life, and I can honestly say it is for the better. I could get really personal and go into my changes but I think I will save that for another day, another blog.

Ok well I will leave it at that. :)

A Mighty Heart

2007-06-23T12:50:00.000-07:00

The avid reader that I am, I have been reading a book called "A Mighty Heart". For those of you who have been following the events taking place over in the middle east, you may have heard of a journalist by the name of Daniel Pearl.
He was kidnapped in Pakistan shortly after 9/11. His wife Mariane Pearl wrote this book in his memory.

I remember when the news of his kidnapping first hit the news, it was devastating, and as I learn more about his life, it breaks my heart even more. The terrorists that kidnapped him accused him of being a spy of some sort, and demanded things that were impossible to deliver. He was a journalist, a man trying to bridge the gap between worlds so differently lived. Yet he was murdered for the senseless act of terrorism.
I guess the reason why I am writing about this is, I think you should read this book. I have learned so much of a culture that I would never, and still don't understand. A world in which you don't know who to trust, or where to turn. A world in which the people who are supposed to help, only pretend to help, only to later learn knew more about the whereabouts and the kidnapping then they would ever let on.
To me the pain his family endured, and the hardship that they went through is unimaginable. Just think about loosing a person whom you love so much, only to see his face on images that show the torture that he had to endure, imagine the pain you would feel as your husband is beheaded on TV, in front of the world and his body discovered in 10 different pieces buried in a shallow grave.

You can't. Simple as that. Why? Because we live in a country that doesn't understand the lives of the people we are fighting. We only see what is in front of us, not the picture at whole.
I have been following the tragic events that have unfolded since the beginning of the war, this person, Daniel Pearl and his wife Mariane have touched me deeply.
I still do not understand the faceless acts of hatred that are committed in this country and abroad, but this story has enlightened me on a world that is so very different form which I know.
If you have a chance please pick up the book, it is a sad read, but an honesty put forth that makes you see things that maybe you wouldn't normally see. It touches on the events leading up to and following his murder. It shows the love and compassion of his family and the people of Pakistan, but mostly his brave wife.
Remember that we have soldiers over there fighting for our country, but is this a war we can win? This question I can not answer, but pray that we can make peace. Peace between worlds that are so very different.
I support our troops 100%, and pray for their safe return. I hope for the best, yet expect the worst.
We are fighting a war that makes no sense, that involves a hatred on a level that is so deep.
All I ask is that you don't forget, the families, friends, brother and sisters. The people over there trying to make a difference.

Baby Talk

2007-06-12T22:00:00.000-07:00

So just another day..... another day gone, another day to look forward too.
Yet so many things are going on. One of my dear friends found out she is pregnant. Which is absolutely fantastic! However, it makes for all this baby talk.
It seems to me that all my friends are having babies, getting married, ect, ect. And then the lovely questions come at me.
When are you going to settle down?
When are you going to having kids?
Well, the answer is....
I DON"T KNOW!!!!
I have so many things in my life that I want to do, and well getting married and having kids are just not in the picture right now.
What is wrong with that? Well apparently I am weird or something, because I am not ready to settle down and have babies...... Yeah OK. :(

HHHHHMMMMMMM. What happened to living your life, having your dreams, your goals?
Just because mine are not about getting married and having children I don't think that makes me any less successful. Right?
I am just not sure if it's in the cards for me. My goals and dreams are different. I want to write, and travel, finish school. Not to mention maybe, a good man :) lol

Bringing me to another point. How am I going to have kids, if I can't even find the right guy to settle down with? Yeah well that's my thinking... I am not ready for that either, and even then, I am still not sure about kids.

Ok so this is my rant, just under a little pressure, from things I shouldn't even be getting pressured about. But well that's why I have my blog. I can write what I feel and what I know.

Good day.

2007-06-05T21:53:00.000-07:00

Hello World.
Well I am sorry I have not kept this blog as up to date I would have hoped. Not to say that I don't want to, I have been crazy busy. Life seems to get that way sometimes.
Life has been a little complicated lately. The boy and I decided friends is the best thing right now, considering what an emotional mess I am, I think it may be for the best. He feels he can't handle my ups and downs. Well ok, guess what. YOU ARE NOT WORTH IT and please don't feed me anymore of your bull crap. So yes that's that.

Now then Work has been stressful, I am applying for a new position and I truley hope I get it. It would be a wonderful opportunity for me and diminish some of my current stress, not to mention I would kick ass.

So yes in a nut shell that is what is going on.
More updates to come.
Peace and
Much love,
Kates

Memorial Day

2007-05-27T21:24:00.000-07:00

On this day let's all take the time out to say thank you! Thank you to those who are over seas, fighting for our freedom.
Now we may not all agree on why we are over there or if it's right or wrong. But we do have our troops over there fighting for us. So this weekend as we are having our bar-b-ques, playing golf, or enjoying the day.
Take a Minute, just one minute to say thank you, and maybe a little prayer. Remember over there fighting is someone's brother, son, daughter, wife, husband, Over there is someone that somebody loves.
Pray for their safe return, pray for their dedication, pray for their families.
I am saying thank you! THANK YOU! Happy Memorial Day!

2007-05-21T22:04:00.000-07:00

Well my last post seemed a but depressing. Sorry, sometimes I am just not in the zone. However I am picking myself up again, and feeling much better. I have updated my other blog http://outoflifeoutofmind.blogspot.com/ quite a bit lately.
I have been in what you may call MY ZONE.. Sometimes all I want to do is write, write, write.
Not only that but I have had a lot of other things going on. I did the heart walk this last weekend with my dad who suffered a heart attack a little over two years ago, and I have been on a major hiking frenzy. Since the weather has become warmer I have been out enjoying the beautiful days.
So yes, things have been a little tangled, but things are also positive. I just have to remember the sadness will pass, and there is always that next beautiful adventure out there just waiting to be conquered!
I am just checking in, even if no one is reading, I feel better just getting it out!
Everyone have a FAB week!

Just checking in

2007-05-17T22:57:00.001-07:00

Hi,
I know it been a little touch and go here on this blog.
Things have been a little tangled to say the least. If you have read my previous posts, you know I suffer from bi-polar disorder, and lately I have been in a not so good place.
I hate it when life gets complicated and people have a hard time understanding me for me. I try so very hard to let things go and not get so emotional.
Some day's I am on top of the world, while others, I can't even bring myself to get out of bed.
My therapist is wonderful, and I am on all the meds, but it's still hard to overcome me. I wonder everyday, why I have to suffer this, and some days I pray to let it all end.
However, I know that is not the answer. I am a special person, one of a kind. Yes it takes me longer to let people in, to trust, but that is just me.
Someday I will get control over my life. I know I am taking steps in the right direction, it's just gonna take me a minute to get there.
When I get there I will blow the world away.
There is a part of me just waiting to be discovered.

My Sunday

2007-05-06T22:34:00.000-07:00

Awe the weekend has once again come to a close, and as much as I like to sit around and do nothing (mostly trying to recover from the past week, or to psych myself up for the week to come)It is getting warmer, and I absolutely can not sit and do nothing!

The rain let up and I loaded up my hiking gear and I was off. The day was to nice to pass up. I have been itching to go hiking for a while now, and every time I have planned on going, yes it started to rain. So when I looked outside and saw the beautiful sun, I did not hesitate to get out there.

All I can say is, I am so glad that I did. We have some of the most beautiful trails up here in the northwest, and I am always taken with the beauty that stands in front of me everyday. Today my mission was simple. I was going to conquer the waterfalls!

The beauty was breathtaking. As I hiked and explored I felt a peace that I only feel when I am hiking.

So today I would like to share a few of the beautiful things I was fortunate enough to see I hope you enjoy.

Do I really have to go back to work?

And your Priorities are Where?

2007-05-01T22:51:00.001-07:00

When do you say enough is enough? Move on, Throw in the towel, Get you priorities in order NOW! With that in mind, I have had a friend going through a pretty tough time recently. The news he received this week, is pretty major and completely unexpected. You might say, well, this will change his life.

First a little back round.....

We dated a long time ago, and since have become very good friends. He is a doll, his looks could kill and he has a kick-ass personality to go along with that beautiful face. After we had stopped dating, he met someone he fell hard for, and I mean hard. They only dated for three months, and still he can not get over her. (keep in mind the breakup happened almost 10 months ago) Now I understand that getting your heart broken can be hard, trust me when my five year relationship ended, I never thought I would get over it. However hard it was I knew that there is life after a failed relationship. So anyways, I have been trying to help him see that there are other girls out there for him, I advised him he doesn't have to get serious, but having a little fun can be good for the bruised heart.
This went on for a while, and I was beginning to worry, he continuously mentioned her. "Should I call her?", "Do you think I should stop by her work?" Well my advise was no. Let me explain, he sent her roses, and she became very upset, changed her number & blocked him off of her myspace. So I think that was a pretty good indicator that he was achieving stocker status in her eyes. I hate to see him hurt, but at the same time he is hurting more by holding on to someone who has no love back.
The hardest thing for me to understand about this is, he is so good looking, and such a sweet person. But I also understand it can take time to heal a broken heart.

Moving forward to a few weeks ago, we were working out and he tells me he has a date! I was so excited, finally he was taking that step to moving forward. He was also thinking about moving back to Arizona, which is also awesome, because I know he loves it there. So the conversation was good upbeat, happy even. He told me that he was moving on, he didn't need her anymore..... What a relief!

So this week, I get several texts and missed calls from him.... I call back thinking, O my gosh I hope he is OK. So he tells me he has news that will effect his relationship with the girl, (ok I am thinking HHHMMM I thought we had moved on) So he is beating around the bush, and I had to practically beat it out of him... Finally, he tells me, the girl I had a date with is pregnant.... WHAT? WHAT? I said..... Did you not use protection? "Well he tells me, She said she couldn't get pregnant". I was in shock, 3 times, yes 3 times they went out, and now he is tied to her forever...

Well he is pretty calm about the situation, and I am panicking more than him. I mean this is a big deal, and I can not understand how he can be so poised. He is more worried about how the girl will feel about this, Yes the girl he has not spoken to in almost 10 months! WHAT, I mean WHAT????? This is something that will forever change your life, and not to mention, you hardly know the girl who is going to be your baby's momma!

So this week, we talk again, I am concerned about how he is doing. Once again he is a mess. Instantly I am thinking that it has to do with the baby, and the girl.... Wrong, wrong again. He saw on someone's myspace, that the girl called him a stalker... Well are you really surprised? I mean really where the hell are your priorities? He is one of my good friends, but I just don't understand his way of thinking. It makes no sense! He was just given news that will change his life forever, and he is more worried about a girl he doesn't even talk to anymore.

Well I have no idea how to be there for him anymore. I have tried to help him move on, and tried to be as gentle as possible, but how much is enough? I am dumbfounded, there is no other way to describe it.

Well this is me venting, hit me up with any advice. PLEASE!

Happy May Day!

2007-05-01T08:27:00.000-07:00

The first day of May always brings so much promise of the summer that is just around the corner. Finally the flowers are blooming, the tree's are budding, and the days are getting longer and warmer. AWE..

Last night as I was browsing blogs I came across a challenge for May, it called the Every Day in May. My everyday in May will be to write, and do some photography that I have been putting off. I will update my blog either on this site or My other site Outoflifeoutofmind. The challenge here is to do something you love, even if it's not your best work, give it a go. What will your Everyday in May be?

I encourage you to join me :)

Happy May Day!

Wine and Crab Galore...

2007-04-29T18:12:00.000-07:00

I decided to take off this weekend and check out an event that I have heard so much about, but did not get around to seeing yet.
So I packed my bags, filled my car up, and hit the road. I was on my way to the Annual Crab Festival in Astoria, OR. What an adventure it was! Not only did I get to eat some of the best crab I have ever tasted, I also got the privilege of tasting some of the best wine right here in the Northwest. Now I have heard that there are many winery's up here, (I must admit I have been a little slacking on exploring that avenue), but I never imaged there were this many. Now by no means am I a wino, as a matter of fact, I know next to nothing about wine tasting. I do however know that I prefer white, to red. Sad it is, that is where my knowledge stops.

This weekend I got a introductory education on wine tasting. Not only were the wine's incredible, but I was in absolute shock at how many different white wines there are. Now I know I may sound a bit uneducated here, but like I said I know next to nothing about this subject.

With that in mind, I was able to experience many different kinds of my all time favorite, Pinot Gris, then there was the Pinot Noir, and I think I may have found a new favorite taste in Riesling wine. Being that it was pretty early, I was able to have another favorite, Mimosa.

Well By 11 am it was time to hit the crab lunch. Yes it was 11am and already I had a buzz. If I was to survive the rest of the day I needed some food in my stomach.
So I made my way to the area where we ate the famous crab dinner. I got the half crab, and halfway through that I was wishing I had the full crab, it was that good! As I was sitting there trying to figure out how I was going to break this crab open with just a plastic fork, the lady next to me took this block of wood and just starting beating the crab with it. I had to giggle. This was definitely a first time experience I would never forget. So I joined in, and I will have to admit..... IT WAS FUN!

After eating my wonderful crab lunch, I decided to go do some more tasting. My stomach was full, and I was ready. The festival started to get pretty crowded, and walking with a wine glass became a little harder. Many people had these little wine glass holders, that you wear like a necklace, and your wine glass fits in there. Not only did it free my hands, but I was able to keep my glass from spilling, and I looked like I was supposed to be there. haha. So more wine tasting I did. I have never experienced anything like this before. The people were amazing, and friendly ( I am sure it had nothing to do with the fact that everyone was feeling a little happy!) and the food was incredible.

It was so hard to choose which wines I wanted to buy. I didn't have a lot of money to spend, so I had to choose carefully, but in the end I was happy with the wine's I purchased. All in all I have to say it as a fantastic time, and I will be doing this again next year!
Cheers!

A Beautiful Kind Of Silent.

2007-04-22T20:37:00.000-07:00

So despite the events of the past week and feeling so emotional all week, the end of my week ended beautifully.
The boy, knowing how bad I was feeling this week decided what I needed was a night away, so we went up to Seattle. Now I understand it may be hard to understand me, I can be very emotional and shut off sometimes especially when I am dealing with emotional stress. For so long it was so much easier to deal by myself then to say I need help. The school shootings this week brought back many bad memories, feelings and a sadness I haven't felt in a long time. There were a few moments this last week when I just broke down.
I have been working very hard at communicating my feelings, especially with the boy. You can not build a relationship without communication right? So knowing how sad I was feeling, he was completely understanding. We didn't talk much about the sadness, but that's not what I needed. I needed him to be there. And he was. He understands that I will talk about things when I am ready, and he knew why I was feeling like this. The best thing about this weekend was, he was there. When I didn't feel like talking he just held me and let me be silent.
I am starting to feel comfort with him, it's ok to be silent, and there is no awkwardnesses. When I fall asleep next to him, his breathing puts me at ease.
Getting away this weekend, was just what I needed, a weekend to not think about all that is wrong in this world. There is no-one that I would have wanted to spend it with, and there are no words that I can say to him to let him know how much i appreciate him. For letting me be sad, and making me happy all at once.

So yes Seattle was great. There is something about that city that brings so much out. For me that is he where he first said the words that made me think of our future, where he brought me again, so I would forget about all that is wrong.
So yes, Seattle has a magic.

Feeling Emotional

2007-04-16T23:04:00.000-07:00

So I don't even know how to start this post. I am so emotional today, I am sure everyone has heard about the school massacre today at the Virginia Tech Campus. So very sad, my heart truley goes out to all of those poor innocent people that lost their lives today, and the many more who were injured in the shooting. Also to the families who are grieving for their loss.
I find myself glued to the t.v. tonight, and I can't help but remember two similar times, when again I was unable to pull myself away form the t.v. The Columbine massacre and 9-11.
The Columbine massacre happened my senior year in high school, and at the time I was living in Colorado, and had many friends at Columbine. I will never forget that day in my life.
Today I am feeling the same emotions, anger, hurt, and a sadness that I can not explain. Again there are just two times before this that I have felt like this.
I do not understand how people can be so heartless. Why? Why is this happening? Can life be so bad that you have to take the lives of innocent people? Can there truley be a meaning to all this madness?
People go to school to learn, never in my wildest dreams, would I think that my life could end there. People went to work on 9-11, never imaging that today would be their last day on earth.
It is so tragic, that we can not do the things in life that we have worked so hard for, or are working hard to become.
Today I am overcome with a sadness and I ask that you please take a moment of your time to say a prayer for the people who so innocently lost their lives today, and the families who are grieving.
We will never get an answer as to why this happened, we will never have closure to many of the massacres that have happened in the recent years.
Please don't ever forget.

New Lessons.

2007-04-11T21:07:00.000-07:00

So the birthday has come and gone, and I have to say I am not disappointed. I was able to spend it with the people I care most about, My family, my best friend, and yes the boy. Again I am thinking I am eating my words here with him. We are so different, but maybe that's what makes us good. I truly know he cares about me, and there is a big part of me that tends to distance myself from love, due to my past experiences.
However, when it comes down to it, he is there, and it's the little things he remembers. the little things that make me happy that he tries to do for me. You see he comes from money, I don't. I think sometimes I use that as an excuse as to why it won't work. But I may be ignorant here. Yes we are very different, but he does so much for me, he makes me feel good about myself, he tries so hard to make me understand that. My concern, as stupid as this may sound, I feel sometimes I am not good enough for him....... In my heart I know that's not true, I think we teach each other so many things about life that the other person was never exposed to.
The truth I miss him when he's not there. His emotional level is different than mine, but he is getting better, why? because I told him I needed this. So yes, this is me being a little selfish.
So why? Why am I pushing this person away, when everything he does, he does for me, and when we are together, I feel nothing but him.
Again I am eating my words from my previous posts. I have been through so much in my life and I can not blame, or compare him to past experiences. He has done everything to make me happy.
Now when I say he comes from money and he does everything for me, I feel I have to clarify. I feel bad because I don't want him to take care of me financially, I am very independent, but I don't have the money he does, and was not given the opportunities he has been given. Yes he takes me out a lot, but it's the little things I appreciate from him, not the money. However growing up with money and growing up in middle class is very different. Again sometimes I feel will I ever be good enough for him? The answer is in my heart somewhere.
The truth of the matter is, he cares, and I care. No matter how different we may be, and no matter what backgrounds we come from, we met each other for a reason. It may be a short lesson, or a life time love. What ever the reason, right now I need him, and I can not let my past dictate my feelings for him.
This year has been a hard year, but I am ready for a new year, a new beginning.... I still have so much more to learn, and so much more to experience.
So yes as emotional as it may be my 26 years on this earth has made me who I am, but its also who I am going to become.

Another Year....

2007-04-09T20:20:00.000-07:00

Yet another year has passed and on the eve of my 26th birthday I am feeling a little emotional. So many memories, so much pain, so much laughter and yet another person emerges. I have to reflect a little bit on so many changes that have overcome me in the last year. This year, more than ever has had a major impact on my life as a whole.
I have dealt with things that I have never dealt with before. So many painful memories that for so long were so very much a part of me, but now I am putting behind me. For the first time in a long time I am looking at these things as being in my past. I understand that they are a part of me, and this is what shaped me in some way or another, but I also realize that they are in my past, and I can not base my future on my past, or let my past dictate my life as a whole.
Now I am moving forward in a direction that is right, a direction that will better me as a whole. Today I went and finished what I need to do to go back to school. This is very important to me, I want to fulfill my dream of becoming a writer. For so long I had someone in my shadow, holding me back, telling me I was not smart enough or good enough, and why did I want to finish school when that was not my place in this world. For so long I had someone belittling me and making me feel as if I was not a whole person, someone who at the drop of a hat, made no hesitation to make me feel like the worst person in the world.
Yes now I can look back at that and say "you know what? It did happen to me, but thanks to you I am now better and stronger, and I will fulfill my dreams". No one, no one will ever hold me back again.
So you see this may seem like a little thing to so many people, but to me this is everything. One of the things I am learning this year is that no matter how things have played out for you in the past, you can always make them better for your future. I still have a very long road ahead of me, and some days are harder than others, but each day brings a new challenge, and a new promise. At least I have my dignity and my freedom back, knowing that some days are hard but I have the support I need to get through each day. This blog is one of my biggest support systems, if not only through my writings, but also through others.
So yet another year has gone, but a much more promising lays just ahead. So yes Happy Birthday to me! So much to be thankful, and grateful for.

Spring Fever

2007-04-04T22:51:00.000-07:00

This week is almost over! Thank goodness! Why is it that the beginning of the month is always so hectic? Or maybe its just at my job.
So this week besides being busy is going pretty well, I have some vacation next week and let me just say I am so looking forward to it. I have been hitting the gym pretty hard, summer is just around the corner. Not to mention its a great way to clear my head.
Last week seemed to be a bit of a downer for me, and maybe thats in part to the rain. I am so over the gloomy weather and rain, I am waiting for Mr. Sunshine to show his beautiful face. This week he has! There is something about this time of year that is so promising, spring is like a new beginning. All the beautiful flowers start to pop up, not to mention the aroma they put in the air. There is just something in the air that makes me want to jump up and scream. Ok maybe not that dramatic, but you get my point. The days start getting longer and you know bar-b-que season is just around the corner. Sitting out on the porch watching the sunset, listening the crickets chirruping, feeling that breeze that is just right, just enough to cool you off from the hot day that lies behind you. Ah yes, summer is almost here, and it sounds as if I have a bit of spring fever.
I am sure that many will agree we just can't wait for that warm weather that is just around the corner. Well I do hope everyone is having a fantastic week! I need to get some shut eye, tomorrow is another busy day.

Now Then

2007-04-01T11:24:00.000-07:00

Well last night I decided to go out with the boy, and we had a great time, as we always do.... So yes if you read my blog, I think I am eating my words here. Anyhow we went to this place that has everything, blowing, pool, an arcade, food, you name it they have it. Its a little like an adult playground.
So we are getting some more tokens, because we are totally kicking some ass on this game, and there are all these little kids standing around us. I am thinking they are also waiting to get more tokens, but no.... They are wanting ours! No please, just " can I have your tokens". I mean WHAT? Who taught you manners???? If I ever would have done that my mom would have kicked my butt into tomorrow. Now me, I am a little soft, so I was kinda standing there dumbfounded, still in disbelief that these sweet little kids could be such brats, and my boy laughs and tells them no, go ask your mom. Then the little brat calls us a name and walks off.
WTF???? You know if the kid would have been half way decent I would have considered giving him a few tokens, I have a soft spot, but you can at least say please, and the name calling. I was in shock!
So we go play the game we were winning at, and I mean really winning, we had tickets galore. Once again all these little kids were standing around us. Ok fine, I like to watch when people are winning too, but again every 5 seconds, "you should give me your tickets, I want your tickets" No please or WOW that's really cool that you are winning.... Just "give me your tickets".
I am in complete shock that kids act this way, not just one kid but several. Again you taught you manners???
Eventually I did give some of our tickets to two little boys, they were the only ones not begging. And yes, they even said thank you! I have no problem giving my tickets away, I mean the things you can get for them looked way better as a kid anyway. And really we were just having fun. But I do have a problem with the way that some people can act.
All in all it was a fun night, we won and had a great time!

A Bit of a Downer

2007-03-29T22:22:00.000-07:00

Some days I feel as if I have the inspiration to do so much, but others, such as lately I feel so lost. Everything seemed to be going so well, and now I am starting to feel down again. I have not been keeping up with my blog much lately, and this is my outlet. My writing is what keeps me sane most of the time and lately I just don't know how to put anything in words.
I hate feeling like this, and I do apologize for my down mood, I just can't seem to get it together this week. I don't know maybe I am expecting to much to soon, taking on more than I can handle, being just a little disappointed in a newly rekindled relationship. I just don't know.
I can feel the start of the anxiety starting to come back, and this is a feeling I am not too comfortable with. Most of it I need to take my own blame for, I mean I was doing just fine, letting my heart heal, and the I got caught up in the emotion again.
Why is it that I can function so much better with just myself. I have been trying so very hard to be more open with people, let people in a little more than I normally do, but my heart just ends up hurting even more. I am so vulnerable to my emotions it scares me. Maybe this is why I feel safe to be myself, with myself. I am not sure if this is making any sense. Right now I feel just like rambling. I can feel myself starting to loose control again.
There is so much in my life that I am trying to conquer and move forward with and lately i feel that I have made in creditable progress , but then I feel like I may be taking two steps back. But as I have said before , life is a path we choose and one we grow and learn from. So why is it so hard to accept this?
Well just something to chew on for a bit.

A little less enthused.......

2007-03-26T23:35:00.000-07:00

I realize it has been a little bit since my last post.... Very sorry, I have been crazy busy!
Well Spring is in the air, life is moving as usual..... Things are not going to good with the boy, but I guess I didn't expect anything less.
I going to say it, why must people be so confusing, why do we say one thing but act a completely different way? I know in my heart that what I am feeling is what it is.... I guess sometimes I get my hopes up, and expect something that isn't there, and it will never be there. I hope that I don't look back at this and eat my words.
I was having a conversation with one of my friends the other day, and we were talking about dating. How do you know when to call it quits? I mean we have been dating for a while, and I just don't feel it. I mean shouldn't I feel something by now? I do care for him, but I don't love him, and I don't think I ever will.
So much is happening in my life right now and I just don't have the time, or maybe I am just not willing to make the time for him. Which is a big RED LIGHT! I think it's time to throw in the towel, move on.....
We are two very different people, our emotions are different, and I don't think that I can ever feel or be with someone who is the way he is.
I am really not asking for anything here, I really just need to vent, and read this so I can think more clearly. I really need to think about this, but it sounds like I have already made up my mind........
Sometimes I wonder if I am cut out to settle down. It's not so much that I want to experience the dating world, It's more like I can't make up my mind. At any moment I can pick up and leave. Now how am I going to fit a relationship in my life? I have so many plans and goals in my life, and lately I feel as if I am just beginning. Maybe not a positive outlook on my love life, but I am excited about my future.
Life can be so complicated at times, it makes my head spin, but I guess that is what living is about. Growing, finding yourself, and not having regrets. So With that being said, I guess I will have to see what these next fews days have in store for me!
Happy Monday! :)

The L Word.....

2007-03-12T23:24:00.000-07:00

Well I'm back from my fabulous weekend in Seattle.. I have to say, I am completely amazed. I went up there with someone I have been dating on and off for the last couple months. Recently we have started dating again.. Well he threw that word out, Yes the L word.... L O V E.....
I have no idea how I feel about this, I mean, yes I like you, but love... Now I have to admit that when threw this word, my mouth dropped and I said "WHAT"? Maybe not the reaction he was hoping for, and well he quickly changed his tune. "Well I love you as a friend, but I am not in love with you...." OK WHATEVER!
First of all you don't throw that word out, not if you don't mean it. Now really, this was the last thing I expected.
Then he tells me, " well I was feeling emotional, I was caught up in the moment.." I don't care!!!! NEVER, EVER does that word need to be spoken unless you truley mean it.
I tell my friends I love them all the time, but i would never say it to someone I was dating, unless I meant it...... I am really not sure how to feel about this. Now I feel things to be a little weird. No matter how he tries to play it, it was said, and now I have to wonder in the back of my head, did he really mean, or was he just caught up in the moment...
Any advice you can give me on this would be most appreciated. I mean can you just throw that on the table and then take it back? I have no idea... But non the less this has been on my mind......

HHHMMM.....

2007-03-06T22:53:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I have to wonder what is going on in my head. Recently I have decided to give a person I was previously dating a second chance, and I am starting to remember why I let him go.
When we first stated dating I was going through an emotional time and I thought that I was maybe not seeing things in a clear way, but now maybe I think I was right...... I have to trust my gut feeling, and I remember why I used to get so frustrated with him. You see I am all about emotions and I need someone who at least can be a little sensitive to me. Now I am not asking for attention, but a little understanding would be nice...
We are going away this weekend so I guess I will see how this goes, but I am not getting my hopes up. I know nothing is perfect, but if it's not there, it's not there right?
Well I am off to bed so hope everyone is having a good week so far!

The weekend is Over!

2007-03-04T17:49:00.000-08:00

It would be Sunday night, and I have to admit that I am a little sad to see the weekend end. I had a four day weekend and IT WAS FABULOUS! Now tomorrow is boring Monday! Monday should not be apart of the week, Mondays are always bad, I don't think that is has anything to do with the fact that the weekend is 5, yes count them 5 days away! YUCK! But if we were to get rid of Mondays all together then I guess Tuesday would be just as bad.
However, I am excited about the week to come it's supposed to be gorgeous all week! I am so over the cold rainy days that we have up here in the Great North West, I am about to go crazy! I miss the sun and the long days! So the weather being nice all week is only going to add to my good mood!
The other thing I am so looking forward to is my weekend trip up to Seattle this coming weekend! I am going with a really good friend and we are going to see the Bodies exhibit! I am sure this is going to be pretty interesting. I love Seattle also, so I am guessing this weekend is going to be great!
Well Hope everyone has a great Monday, Friday is not so far away!

Advice Anyone????

2007-02-27T22:56:00.000-08:00

In my last blog I mentioned meeting someone, someone who finally broke down my barrier. I dated this person for a little while and then broke things off to get my-self together. Hey what can I say I was going through an emotional time and he was not making things easy for me. To be fair here my judgment may have been a little clouded by my emotional mind-frame at the time.
As great as he may be sometimes, his immaturity got to me, and some of his comments were just mean. I guess I can't understand why, if you care about someone so much do you have to be disrespectful at times? So I will have to put him at 90% great, 10% asshole. Even as I read this I am thinking, was it really the right thing to push him away? I mean, everyone has their faults right? I know I am in no way perfect. So then why do I insist on dating the perfect person?
Well , cutting him out of my life at that time was the right thing to do, how was I going to deal with problems I had with him if I couldn't even deal with my own problems. As much as it hurt to not have him there I had to get my thoughts and priority's straight.
Well he has been pretty persistent in not being cut out of my life, which makes me think, that hey he does care. We have recently been talking and trying things out again. I am scared, scared of my feelings and getting hurt, but i suppose that I will never know unless I try. We had a long talk and I was honest with him about my concerns and feelings, and I have to admit I was a little surprised buy his as well. He was honest in telling me that I hurt him buy shutting him out the way I did, however he does understand why I had to do what I did.
Seeing him again brought back so many feelings and emotions, and I realized how much I missed him. At the same time I remember why I got so angry at him. Many of my friends are not so happy about me talking to him again, but what can I say, I have to follow my heart. He is not a bad guy, just a little emotionally turned off at times. Again everyone has their faults. My decision here has to be, Do I want to deal with them and except them? More importantly can he do the same for me.
I think to myself that enough time has passed, we both have had some time to think about things and possibly try to work this out. I am having a hard time deciding what to do here, and maybe I am over analyzing the situation. I truley know he cares, but is this what I want? I guess this is something I am going to have to figure out for myself here.

Emotional Outburst

2007-02-27T21:49:00.000-08:00

Lately everything seems to be going good for me, I have decided to go back to school, I am volunteering and writing a lot. All things I love to do! For quite a long time I felt like I had lost my direction in life. I moved here to Washington from Denver about 2 years ago, it was time to start anew. I needed to re-group and get myself together. I was born and raised in Denver, but there were too many painful and bad memories there.
I have told myself a million times, you can not run from your problems, you have to face them head on. Well I thought that by moving I could clear my head and force myself to look at my life in a different light. I would have time to heal and focus on what was important to me. I felt that getting away would solve everything.
When I first moved here, I did a whole lot of nothing. I became a different person. I was suddenly not comfortable in my skin anymore, I was no longer the confident person that I once saw myself as. I closed myself off to people and became comfortable in doing so, I put up a barrier that was almost impossible to break down. It took me a very long time to make 1 friend and then trusting them, well that was out of the question. I came to the conclusion that it was easier this way. Why let someone in if they will just hurt you.
I know, I know, this was not a healthy was of thinking, and I will admit I did demonstrate some destructive behaviors during this time. Now looking back I realize I was in no way dealing with my problems, I was pushing them down. pretending they didn't exist, denial..... My whole thought process was, no one here knows me, they have no idea, so I can be anyone I want to be. Yeah not so much.....
Well as I was going through this phase I happened to meet someone, someone who did finally break down my barrier. Someone who cared enough about me to stay around and get to know me. Well let me be the first to admit, I was not sure how I felt about this. It had been so long since I have let someone in, i wasn't exactly sure how to do it. As I said before, I was a different person. Opening up to someone suddenly was so difficult for me. I had become a very to myself person, and communicating was not something I was great at. So once again I had to re-evaluate my self.
This was the hardest thing for me. Not only am I a different person, but I suddenly realized I am not the person I want to be. So yes, I had a nervous breakdown (almost) haha. I was so emotional, crying, not sleeping, i have never been that uncomfortable in my life. I decided it was time to deal with what was going on in my head. I had to deal with it myself.
It has been 6 months since I have started down my new path, slowly I am becoming the person that I know I am capable of being. I have learned that denying your problems will only make things worse, and that is no way to go through life. I still have a lot to work on, but then again dealing with issues that have affected your life for almost 15 years is not something you are going to get over in 6 months. Lately I do feel as if I have cleared my head, and am looking at life in a different light. I see a future and am excited about this!

Where The Side Walk Ends

2007-02-27T00:38:00.000-08:00

There is a place where the sidewalk ends
And before the street begins,
And there the grass grows soft and white,
And there the sun burns crimson bright,
And there the moon-bird rests from his flight
To cool in the peppermint wind.

Let us leave this place where the smoke blows black
And the dark street winds and bends.
Past the pits where the asphalt flowers grow
We shall walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And watch where the chalk white arrows go
To the place where the sidewalk ends.

Yes we'll walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And we'll go where the chalk white arrows go,
For the children, they mark, and the children, they know
The place where the sidewalk ends.

- Shel Silverstein

This one of my favorite poems, just wanted to share!

Welcome to My World!

2007-02-27T00:20:00.000-08:00

Hello! I recently engaged myself in this whole new world of blogging and have found it quite theraputic, so yes, I decided to add a second blog! There are so many things I enjoy writing about that I am starting to realize that I have to seperate what I am writing about! Crazy as this may sound I am going to use this second blog as kind of a journal for myself. However don't be surprised if I throw in something totally off the wall..... Sometimes this is what I do best!
So a little about me, I am almost 26, female and about to embark on a new beginning in my life! I am a late bloomer as they might say. I just recently figured out, or at least narrowed it down to what I am going to make of my life. Yes I know I hear it all the time, I am so young, I have time. Well lately I feel that I am running out of time. But then again I don't regret any thing in my life so far. It has been one hell of a ride, a ride that I believe has made me grow up a lot faster than I would have liked. But as they say "what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger"
So on to my discovery about my future, i have decided to finish school, and do what I want to do! Yes I am going to try my hand at writing. Now I don't really have an interest in writing for a newspaper or be a reporter. I would like to do research writing, like for National Geographic or Time Magazine. I know that it may not make me a lot of money, but I know it will make me happy! To me that is more important than anything else!
So this is my beginning to my second blog. I am planning random writings here!