Sometimes life takes us down a path that was not intended upon. It takes us down a road less traveled, rocky, jagged, and unknown. The thought of not knowing what is going to happen is something that digs deep inside of me and comes out like a scream not yet heard by others.
Looking back at my life I have come to realize that I am lucky, lucky to be here, alive. My life has not been easy, and I blame no one, it is a road that I chose to take, a road that lead me into places I wish upon no one. At times I think it made me stronger, other times I feel it has made me weaker. The choices I made have put me in a position that I wish not to be in. I am still here existing, living, I have a roof over my head, a family who loves and supports me and a handful of friends that I adore.
Then there is the other side of me, the side that is afraid of everything, trusting, loving and finding me. There is the side that has been hurt so many times I can’t bear to let my heart be exposed, the side that questions everything and everyone around me, wondering is there an ulterior motive behind your kindness. My poor friends never know what side of me to expect. Happy today, sad tomorrow. How can I make you understand it’s not you? I can’t, I am sorry for that. This is the part of my life where I feel weakest.
I guess I am writing this because I need to look back and read, understand, know why I am. Life sets off so many challenges, so many obstacles, which do you, choose? Which do you turn away from? Why is it so hard to exist, when all around goes about their merry little way? Why do some people live a charmed life, when others have to work so hard? Why do people judge and hate, when others love and give? I had a friend tell me the other day that he felt so lucky that he had his life; this was after meeting my friends. Now the comment angered me, one he has never made me feel small before, and now after meeting some people I work with, his life is so charmed? What makes him lucky and the others not? He has been given everything and worked harder for what he has, but some of us are not that lucky, some of us have not had a handful of money thrown at us growing up, we have not had the luxury of our college education paid for and not having to work. This is a very good friend that I have never felt threatened by his wealth, he has never made me feel inferior before and he has been there for me so much in the last few months that I honestly don’t know what I would have done had he not been there. The remark, it cut deep, almost too deep……
Maybe that is why I am writing this. As I said before I am not where I pictured myself at this age, I had hoped to accomplish many things, with the struggles in my past I still feel I have come a long way, but now I feel nothing. I feel hurt, hurt by a remark that I would have never expected from a friend who has been there through so much. I am trying, I am trying to clean up my mistakes and move forward. I am trying to recover from an abusive relationship, a past that was so painful, so why when I am starting to feel stronger did this little remark cut so deep? Maybe because he see’s my friends as inferior to him, that maybe he sees’s me that way as well? I don’t know.
Writing this makes me feel a little better, but I am still hurt. This is the part where I seclude myself in my room wrapped up with a book, or feeling sad, trying to think of the positive, but knowing I have to deal with my emotions right now. I will get over it, just needed to write it down I guess. Sort it out; maybe I am looking a little too deep, maybe not.
One thing I know for sure is that I am me, I have been through a lot, but that does not make me less of a person than anyone, it does not make me inferior to you or anyone. I still struggle day to day and I live day to day. I may not have accomplished as much as some people my age, but I am here still living and one day I will be the strong person I know I can be.
Peace
This is a random journal of my life. The good, the bad, and the absolute craziness of ME!
Monday, July 23, 2007
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Sometimes
Lately in life it seems like things are moving in the fast lane. Everything seems to be going great, Life as I know it is starting to come together.
Sometimes things change for the good, sometimes for the bad, but I am learning you just have to roll with the punches. Since I have left Denver I feel like I have become so much more, I have grown as a person and am completely different than when I left Denver. These last two years since I moved here has been a complete roller coaster. I almost lost my mind, no seriously. lol But I have learned so much about myself.
The things that happen in life no matter good or bad, shape us to be who we are, you can either take that and learn from it, or waste it away. One thing I have learned is that you can't plan your future. It is what is it, and the more you try to plan the more you are going to miss out on. I believe that everything happens for a reason, and if it's meant to be it will be.
Now don't get me wrong I have goals for myself but they are always changing. I thought at the age of sixteen that I would be married and have kids by this time. Well, that is not where I'm at now, and I am glad that I didn't settle for someone who might have been the one, because now I realize they were not the one. I also thought that I would become a doctor or nurse, but that was before I discovered my passion for writing.
So you see it's ok to have goals and dreams, but it's also ok to have different goals as you discover life. It doesn't make you a failure, things change it's inevitable and there is nothing you can do about it, except, accept it.
I have no idea why I am writing this, just something I have been pondering lately. I guess since it's been 2 years since I have moved here I have been thinking a lot about what has changed in my life, and I can honestly say it is for the better. I could get really personal and go into my changes but I think I will save that for another day, another blog.
Ok well I will leave it at that. :)
Sometimes things change for the good, sometimes for the bad, but I am learning you just have to roll with the punches. Since I have left Denver I feel like I have become so much more, I have grown as a person and am completely different than when I left Denver. These last two years since I moved here has been a complete roller coaster. I almost lost my mind, no seriously. lol But I have learned so much about myself.
The things that happen in life no matter good or bad, shape us to be who we are, you can either take that and learn from it, or waste it away. One thing I have learned is that you can't plan your future. It is what is it, and the more you try to plan the more you are going to miss out on. I believe that everything happens for a reason, and if it's meant to be it will be.
Now don't get me wrong I have goals for myself but they are always changing. I thought at the age of sixteen that I would be married and have kids by this time. Well, that is not where I'm at now, and I am glad that I didn't settle for someone who might have been the one, because now I realize they were not the one. I also thought that I would become a doctor or nurse, but that was before I discovered my passion for writing.
So you see it's ok to have goals and dreams, but it's also ok to have different goals as you discover life. It doesn't make you a failure, things change it's inevitable and there is nothing you can do about it, except, accept it.
I have no idea why I am writing this, just something I have been pondering lately. I guess since it's been 2 years since I have moved here I have been thinking a lot about what has changed in my life, and I can honestly say it is for the better. I could get really personal and go into my changes but I think I will save that for another day, another blog.
Ok well I will leave it at that. :)
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