A Bit of a Downer

Some days I feel as if I have the inspiration to do so much, but others, such as lately I feel so lost. Everything seemed to be going so well, and now I am starting to feel down again. I have not been keeping up with my blog much lately, and this is my outlet. My writing is what keeps me sane most of the time and lately I just don't know how to put anything in words.
I hate feeling like this, and I do apologize for my down mood, I just can't seem to get it together this week. I don't know maybe I am expecting to much to soon, taking on more than I can handle, being just a little disappointed in a newly rekindled relationship. I just don't know.
I can feel the start of the anxiety starting to come back, and this is a feeling I am not too comfortable with. Most of it I need to take my own blame for, I mean I was doing just fine, letting my heart heal, and the I got caught up in the emotion again.
Why is it that I can function so much better with just myself. I have been trying so very hard to be more open with people, let people in a little more than I normally do, but my heart just ends up hurting even more. I am so vulnerable to my emotions it scares me. Maybe this is why I feel safe to be myself, with myself. I am not sure if this is making any sense. Right now I feel just like rambling. I can feel myself starting to loose control again.
There is so much in my life that I am trying to conquer and move forward with and lately i feel that I have made in creditable progress , but then I feel like I may be taking two steps back. But as I have said before , life is a path we choose and one we grow and learn from. So why is it so hard to accept this?
Well just something to chew on for a bit.

A little less enthused.......

I realize it has been a little bit since my last post.... Very sorry, I have been crazy busy!
Well Spring is in the air, life is moving as usual..... Things are not going to good with the boy, but I guess I didn't expect anything less.
I going to say it, why must people be so confusing, why do we say one thing but act a completely different way? I know in my heart that what I am feeling is what it is.... I guess sometimes I get my hopes up, and expect something that isn't there, and it will never be there. I hope that I don't look back at this and eat my words.
I was having a conversation with one of my friends the other day, and we were talking about dating. How do you know when to call it quits? I mean we have been dating for a while, and I just don't feel it. I mean shouldn't I feel something by now? I do care for him, but I don't love him, and I don't think I ever will.
So much is happening in my life right now and I just don't have the time, or maybe I am just not willing to make the time for him. Which is a big RED LIGHT! I think it's time to throw in the towel, move on.....
We are two very different people, our emotions are different, and I don't think that I can ever feel or be with someone who is the way he is.
I am really not asking for anything here, I really just need to vent, and read this so I can think more clearly. I really need to think about this, but it sounds like I have already made up my mind........
Sometimes I wonder if I am cut out to settle down. It's not so much that I want to experience the dating world, It's more like I can't make up my mind. At any moment I can pick up and leave. Now how am I going to fit a relationship in my life? I have so many plans and goals in my life, and lately I feel as if I am just beginning. Maybe not a positive outlook on my love life, but I am excited about my future.
Life can be so complicated at times, it makes my head spin, but I guess that is what living is about. Growing, finding yourself, and not having regrets. So With that being said, I guess I will have to see what these next fews days have in store for me!
Happy Monday! :)

The L Word.....

Well I'm back from my fabulous weekend in Seattle.. I have to say, I am completely amazed. I went up there with someone I have been dating on and off for the last couple months. Recently we have started dating again.. Well he threw that word out, Yes the L word.... L O V E.....
I have no idea how I feel about this, I mean, yes I like you, but love... Now I have to admit that when threw this word, my mouth dropped and I said "WHAT"? Maybe not the reaction he was hoping for, and well he quickly changed his tune. "Well I love you as a friend, but I am not in love with you...." OK WHATEVER!
First of all you don't throw that word out, not if you don't mean it. Now really, this was the last thing I expected.
Then he tells me, " well I was feeling emotional, I was caught up in the moment.." I don't care!!!! NEVER, EVER does that word need to be spoken unless you truley mean it.
I tell my friends I love them all the time, but i would never say it to someone I was dating, unless I meant it...... I am really not sure how to feel about this. Now I feel things to be a little weird. No matter how he tries to play it, it was said, and now I have to wonder in the back of my head, did he really mean, or was he just caught up in the moment...
Any advice you can give me on this would be most appreciated. I mean can you just throw that on the table and then take it back? I have no idea... But non the less this has been on my mind......

HHHMMM.....

Sometimes I have to wonder what is going on in my head. Recently I have decided to give a person I was previously dating a second chance, and I am starting to remember why I let him go.
When we first stated dating I was going through an emotional time and I thought that I was maybe not seeing things in a clear way, but now maybe I think I was right...... I have to trust my gut feeling, and I remember why I used to get so frustrated with him. You see I am all about emotions and I need someone who at least can be a little sensitive to me. Now I am not asking for attention, but a little understanding would be nice...
We are going away this weekend so I guess I will see how this goes, but I am not getting my hopes up. I know nothing is perfect, but if it's not there, it's not there right?
Well I am off to bed so hope everyone is having a good week so far!

The weekend is Over!

It would be Sunday night, and I have to admit that I am a little sad to see the weekend end. I had a four day weekend and IT WAS FABULOUS! Now tomorrow is boring Monday! Monday should not be apart of the week, Mondays are always bad, I don't think that is has anything to do with the fact that the weekend is 5, yes count them 5 days away! YUCK! But if we were to get rid of Mondays all together then I guess Tuesday would be just as bad.
However, I am excited about the week to come it's supposed to be gorgeous all week! I am so over the cold rainy days that we have up here in the Great North West, I am about to go crazy! I miss the sun and the long days! So the weather being nice all week is only going to add to my good mood!
The other thing I am so looking forward to is my weekend trip up to Seattle this coming weekend! I am going with a really good friend and we are going to see the Bodies exhibit! I am sure this is going to be pretty interesting. I love Seattle also, so I am guessing this weekend is going to be great!
Well Hope everyone has a great Monday, Friday is not so far away!